We've always known that my husband had ADHD, however neither of us knew much about what that meant beyond trouble concentrating. During a period of depression I started seeing a therapist, and she quickly realized that his ADHD was a significant factor in our lives, causing many of the issues we had with each other. I started reading books on ADHD and marriage, I listened to the podcasts on this website, I read your stories and comments. I saw and heard so much of our relationship and it became clear. I wish we had known years ago what I know now. My husband was driving me crazy, and in my response to his symptoms, I was making him miserable. It was helpful to know that there was a reason we were each like this, though it was too far into years of dysfunction for an easy fix.

We've struggled over our many years together, and while there have been wonderful times, resentments on both sides grew. He resented me for what he saw as selfishness and a need to always get my way, to nag him and make him feel bad about himself. I grew bitter at having to be the stable force, to take care of everything because he would procrastinate and forget.  Family dinners would be spent with our child and me looking out the window the whole time, waiting for him to come home. There was no predictability, which made me anxious and so lonely. His hyper focus on work left no room for attention to me. No effort to make plans, give gifts, spend time unless it was forced upon him. We grew disconnected, and he turned to another woman for emotional support and closeness. It wasn't until I confronted him about the affair (which he still doesn't take full responsibility for), that he agreed to come to counseling.

It's been difficult, but there has been progress. For every two steps forward, a step back. The other woman is still not completely gone from the picture. He's struggling to let go of the resentments that built over the years. I feel that if I can forgive and move on from the significant mistakes and hurts on his part, he should be able to forgive and move on from all of his many petty grievances that built up into a monster against me (to be clear, I'm not dismissing them.). We are both committed to the marriage and keeping our family in tact, but we are having a tough time. I am jealous of other couples with a more 'normal' relationship. I can't help but compare our lives to theirs. I feel self-pity and mourn the loss of a life I wish I could have had, with a husband who adores me and shows me with actions and words, who can just remember to do what he says and follow through on promises made. I know his resentment must be related to that as well, why can't he have a wife who just understands him and accepts him exactly the way he is. Why can't things be easier for him.

We are only a couple months in, and still at the beginning stages of confronting our issues and working to move past them. I know it will take many more months and probably years, but I am committed. I hope he will remain committed as well and not give up.

I guess I'm just looking for a little bit of encouragement. Please tell me if you have overcome similar circumstance and come through stronger on the other side. I need some hope.

DH is the ADHD spouse..

It was never that big of an issue-the forgetfulness, the funny quirks...

Truly, it is the disconnect. The dropped communications, lack of follow through on commitments, never seeing the trees, maybe just the forest... never fully manifesting feelings and thoughts of love and consideration.

Then he piled several affairs on top of it all. Only found out about the latest in July and a week later the rest were confessed, I suspected the most recent and confronted him often towards the end. He was diagnosed with ADHD in September. I don't know how much of the ADHD explains the affairs. He says he was just wanting to feel better about how awful he felt about himself. I just don't know why he had to choose THAT activity. He says he never felt good enough to be with me, like he was an imposter, didn't deserve me.

DH recently diagnosed after I discovered his 10 month emotional and physical affair.  Probable RSD as well...

About a week later he confessed to 6 other physical affairs some that lasted a week, others over months, only physical except for this last one. He wanted to feel good about himself because he has felt so bad. I had no idea his self-esteem was so low. I had always thought so highly of him.He never feels he does anything right even if I knock myself out giving positive feedback. I had no idea.  He hid his hurt so well. Never shared it with me so I could help ease the burden. Instead he looked for those dopamine hits somewhere else, but as he says, they never lasted. The constant lying to save face or deflect... so much lying.

Keeping it together for the kids, and he is in therapy as I wait for him to stabilize a little more so I can join in for couples therapy. Keeping busy with holidays upon us and just trying to take more than 1 step up and 3 steps back. I see his struggle daily. I am hurt and angry but trying to be loving and supportive while maintaining more autonomy. Keeping things even keeled for the kids.

If he was not in therapy and trying medication I would not be here.

Is this a thing? Multiple affairs and ADHD/RSD... trying to get dopamine highs? I keep researching for answers and I am not finding anything linking the two. I wonder if there is some other comorbidity...

The result of the meeting was the psychologist/psychiatric nurse saying that many of my wifes behaviors could be ADHD, but she did not think trying medication was warrented--at least until we tried non-medical treatments.  She also said she would read the list of behaviors I made.  My wife took this as "She says I don't have ADHD."

Another weird way she sees herself vindicated:  I mentioned the symptom of blurting out hurtful or embarrassing things, and her explanations that she is not inconsiderate, she doesn't think about my feelings.  The specialist replied that this "could be ADHD or it could be passive aggressive."  My wife sees being passive aggressive as better than having ADHD?  She sees being purposefully mean as better than not being able to control negative behavior?

She did the questionnaire (which unfortunately had a lot questions that were about children, such as behavior in school) which scored things on a 0 to 3 scale, with 3 being the highest level of something happening often.  My wife even gave herself a "2 or 3" on many of the questions.

My wife often complains that I talk about things that happened years ago and don't acknowledge the things that have gotten better.  During the evaluation, I prefaced some statements by noting that things are not as bad as they used to be.  So she complained about that!  

Do any of you other non-ADHD spouses have tips for feeling cherished/appreciated/loved by your spouse? 

WAY before my husband's diagnosis (which was only a couple months ago) we saw a therapist who told me I deserve to be cherished - that really struck a chord with me because before my husband became so hyperfocused on work I felt cherished the most I had in my life before we met. I know he'll never hyperfocus on me again, but on the monthly occasion that he's able to stop hyperfocusing on his job I automatically feel cherished, so I know it's possible for me to feel that way. I would like for it to happen more often, though!