Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Living your best life - Time for a Trial Separation by: Heart's Desire 6 years 5 months ago

    The last post I had a couple of months ago was how we were on the course for improvement. Husband had finally started meds and was taking them daily - moving over to Vyvanse that seemed to do the trick and we were able to navigate a tricky sale of our condo, pack up, move, I started a new job, he crashed the car/we bought a new one, and ALL of that without a major disagreement or me ending up in tears due to him getting angry/frustrated/irritable with me. 

    I can tell pretty immediately if he doesn't take his meds. He is more prone to ignore me, stonewall, get frustrated, twist my words around and be unreasonable with me or our children. It has left me a bit of a mental head case and I would equate it to living with an alcoholic that is perfectly fine sober (i.e. taking meds) and then gets drunk and blows up at me (i.e. not on meds). I have my own therapist and he has his own.

    His adhd manifests itself pretty much as criticism, irritability, defensiveness, stonewalling - basically the four horsemen of the apocalypse from the Gottman Institute which is a 90% predictor of divorce. I'm so. . . tired of it all and I'm all out of love for him. 

    I've tried to explain that I've noticed a significant improvement with him taking meds, and I try to demonstrate how appreciative I am of the efforts, etc. I also have tried to have conversations with him about noticing the difference in a med day/versus not a med day. He claims he takes them everyday and when he gets angry with me it isn't all about his adhd. It's just me. 

    Having him on consistent meds and me not changing much of my behaviour really has me realizing that I'm not at fault here (like he always says I'm at fault and I make him irritable/angry/etc). I do love him, particularly when he is the man I know he is deep down, but I feel like a dog that loves his master and when he's kind to me it's great, and then one day - bam- the dog just gets kicked in the face. I feel like if I had any self-respect, I'd leave. 

    I'm going to request a trial separation. I know he's going to blame it all on me. But, I don't see another way out. I need to live my own life, not one dependent on him decided to take his meds.

    I'm also getting pretty sick of his therapist (our old joint therapist) that thinks we can just solve this by having better communication techniques.  

    Anyone have any tips on navigating a trial separation with an adhd spouse so in denial and that blames everything on you? 

     

     

     

     

     

  • He hears what I don't say by: gracieinnh 6 years 5 months ago

    We had a huge fight:

    he said It was " all about him" meaning I should support him 24/7

    that all I did was "hurt" him

    That I should leave his stuff alone, he had mixed food and groceries with tools. 

    He needed someone to listen to him.

    I was so angry I wanted to move out. 

    My hubby , often hears what isn't said or doesn't remember what is said.

     

    We get into fights that sound like this:

     

    If you had told me that, I would have done this .............................   I did tell you that AND it's in Writing but you lost it

     

     

    He gets up like the clown car the other day . while I'm listening to a guru.  When I ask that he stop just "taking over"  He looks at the TV and says are you listening to that ASSHOLE Again,

    Then he goes off in a sulk because I am not delighted he's happy this morning. 

    two days down the line... I watch Sienfleld and David Letteman.. He joins me,  I say... Do you want to call him an asshole ( Sienfield ) . He hears Do you want me to call YOU an asshole.. He gets up to leave

    I apologize but try to say why I did.it. 

  • I Love Gerry Spence by: kellyj 6 years 5 months ago

    https://youtu.be/FkSGxNrg4SA

  • Rock the boat by: jennalemone 6 years 5 months ago

    Here is a new perspective.  I have been trying so hard to "make things OK" that I have lost my self.  Believing that to get along meant that I must compromise and not fight and not nag and try to soothe H's (and other people's) anger/discomfort and to help his overwhelm.

    Well, that has not worked.  AND I lost my self, my joy, my strength, my identity. I read this today and it points me in another, happier, more robust future:

    "It's impossible to be in a highly inter-dependent relationship without ever being judgmental or being judged. If you strive to always feel emotionally safe in your relationship and get it, you will pay the price by becoming dull. If neither of you ever rocks the boat, you will end up with a dull relationship." The Couples Institute

    That is what happened to me.  It's time for me to rock the boat and try to see if I still have the ability to know myself and feel my own feelings instead of trying to understand and help and change my self for H. And not make it my business to care so much for other people's thoughts and feelings. I don't know how to fight with my own passion and still keep a relationship going. I feel like an over disciplined dog...one that looks out with sad, pathetic eyes and no longer able to bring joy into the room with exuberance and entitlement.   I don't know how to get that back.  I once definitely had that ability but I lost it. I am going to try to get back into being OK with the difficult conversations and holding my own without second guessing myself and letting myself be heard and taking the chances of disapproval, rejection and being wrong.

  • Spouse failing in his career...hope after treatment? by: Truly4741 6 years 5 months ago

    For most of our marriage, my husband and I have had the same issues; parent-child dynamic and me shouldering the burden of financial responsibility. His lack of keeping a decent job has plagued us. He has had over 15 jobs in our 14 years of marriage. His career has done the opposite of advance as he seems to make less money with each new job. He’s now making less than he did 15 years ago.

    It’s embarrassing when I look back now. The signs were there. I kept having hopes that he would advance his career, to no avail. I feel like it took me way too long to see that this was a pattern that was not going to improve if he could just get a better job, better manager, better location, etc.

    This puts an overwhelming amount of pressure on me to be the stable breadwinner. I make 4 times as much as my husband and fear that if I lose my job, we’ll be destroyed financially. Especially since I don’t always feel completely secure in my job. You never can. I felt a huge amount of resentment over the amount of responsibility on me to not only provide for us, but to run our household and make sure our kids were taken care of.

    As frustrated and resentful as I was, I didn’t see a good solution. Because we have two young children, divorcing wouldn’t solve the problem. We’d still have to deal with each other, I’d likely get even less help, and maybe even have to pay alimony! I also still really love him. I would think to myself that it could be a lot worse. He’s not a bad guy. He could be a cheater, cruel, a bad father. I also felt major guilt for my children. Was it fair for me to turn their lives upside down because I wasn’t 100% happy. No one is 100% happy, right? Some peope have other issues with their spouses, mine just happens to be failing in the career area and completely lacking drive and initiative.

    Nevertheless, I was extremely bitter and feeling so much despair. I just didn’t know how much more I could take. I didn’t want to divorce, but I also didn’t want to live the rest of my life not having the type of partnership that I needed. We started counseling for the 2nd or 3rd time 8 months ago. I thought the therapist was good but he completely missed the ADHD diagnoses. I stumbled upon it looking for yet another book or resource for help.

    My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD by a psychiatrist. I actually lost a lot of my resentment and felt a great sense of compassion for him and hope. The fact that there is a reason for this and that there may be effective therapy was a huge relief to me. I’m thankful that he’s assertive about treatment. He’s currently taking Concerta, but we haven’t noticed any changes (started at 18 mg, now doubling it). I’ve been trying to assure him that this is just the experimental phase and that we have to be patient to find the right therapy. To be honest though, I can’t help but have some thoughts of what would happen if nothing helps. My question is, can anyone relate to my situation and have any experience with significant changes in the career area after effective treatment?

    Many thanks

  • Picking your battles = picking fights by: bowlofpetunias 6 years 5 months ago

    Last night, I heard my wife and our son fighting.  I went upstairs and asked what was happening.  My wife starts explaining about how our daughter snuck her kindle when she was not supposed to have it.  OK, but what does that have to do with why she was fighting with our son?  Oh, because she decided that it was the perfect time to pick a fight with him because our daughter must be copying his behavior!  I tried several times to explain to her that it was not a good idea to start widening the fight.  She just kept repeating that our daughter was influenced by his bad behavior and acted like I was denying that that was a factor.  I responded by saying that whether or not that was a factor was not the point.  The point was that if she is having a fight with one of them she should not bring the other one into the fight.  It only gets everyone, including her, more angry and makes it harder for her to make any progress with either one of them.

    Finally, hours later, she apologized.

    My wife has confused "picking your battles" (not fighting over everything) with picking fights (finding things to fight over.)

  • Dating with ADHD help by: matfus11 6 years 5 months ago

    January 2017 I broke up with my boyfriend of 4+ years, this was hard and complicated. But in March I started to put myself back out there, always believe what Robyn lyric said, “the only way a heart can mend is when you learn to love again” (I changed it slightly). Rather quickly I met a guy online and we hit it off electronically, we had a lot in common and good communication back and forth. We finally decided to meet in person and that went well. He was super engaged, always texting, calling, hanging out. He would plan fun activities and as time progressed I really started to like him. As I got to know him, he mentioned he had ADHD, but it didn’t seem to affect him, he learned how to be successful in school and now work. There were times when we were talking and something would distract him, but it wasn’t an issue. He was mostly organized, but him room was always a bit messy, but the rest of the house wasn’t. 

    Things started to turn at the end of July. He started pulling back. At first I didn’t understand, his work life was getting stressful with a new boss and a reorg.  But my mid August he said that he needed to take a break, that there were things he needed to work on and he wanted to give me space to move on from my last relationship and be ready to date again. He said he would be open to trying again in the future. 

    We didn’t talk much during the break. He essentially said he wanted a break and then communication stopped. I sent him a package and letter saying how I felt and that I missed him. He responded in October saying that things at work were bad, that he was losing his job and was depressed. More time passed and we decided to grab drinks in middle November, he had a new job and was ready to meet and talk again. That went well and as we said bye, he asked if I was free over the weekend. The weekend came and I didn’t hear from him, not until 8pm when he texted saying he didn’t know how to process the feelings and what to make of it. It was his birthday that Wednesday and I proceeded to say, let’s just be friends and Tuesday I dropped off a birthday gift. Two weeks later we went to dinner, then drinks and it ended with him kissing me. 

    It was also at this time he started a new job and that became his top focus, putting me on the side. We hung out a few times in December and January, but it wasn’t until beginning of February he said he was ready to try again.  This time around we didn’t clearly talk about where our feelings were at, that’s what I think was our first mistake. We both started in different places, I was at where I left off in August and he was more towards the beginning. We also didn’t do much, we would do dinners and hang out. But it wasn’t like the first time when we would do different activities or try new stuff. But things were going well until the second weekend of April. This was my friends wedding and he agreed to be my date. Prior to the wedding we had agreed to be exclusive, but I think we both had different bought about what that meant. For me it was just not dating anyone else. But maybe it meant more for him, but again we didn’t clearly communicate. At the wedding friends of mine kept introducing us at boyfriends, which we hadn’t talked about that title yet. Also, the night before the wedding I was out with him and his two roommates. We all had a few drinks and his one roommate, also best friends, asked me when he was away how I felt. With out a filter on, I told her that I really liked him and maybe even loved him. I wasn’t thinking and didn’t realize this would get back to him, naive on my part.  

    After the wedding is when he started to pull back a bit. And one night I asked him what was going on. We had a good chat, he talked about how we were in different places with out feelings, that I knew how I felt and that he was certain yet. I said that I’m okay with that, that it hasn’t been too much time and feeling develop. The next two weeks we wouldn’t see each other much, he had a trip with friends then I left for my brothers wedding. We still texted every day and talked a few times on the phone. 

    When I got back from my trip, he texted he wanted to talk. He came over and said he didn’t feel this was working and needed a break. That he feels frustrated and overwhelmed, that he hasn’t developed the same feelings for me that I did. That he felt pressured to be there and was starting to feel suffocated. We had a long chat, lasting about four hours and talked a lot about what happened.  He said he felt complacent this time around and just along for the ride. I did take control, always tried to plan when we hung out, texted him every morning. We talked about how we didn’t communicate, that I didn’t know he was feeling this way and didn’t get a chance to change. 

    We decided to take a few days break and not talk, give us some space. We talked the following Monday and he said again he doesn’t think it’s working for him, that he still feels pressured, overwhelmed and frustrated. We talked for a bit and decided to take a month break. I’m traveling a lot for work over the next three weeks and when I’m back we would try to grab dinner, go for a walk, etc. That we could maybe restart and take a different approach.  He seemed engaged in this talk, he picked the time frame and we set rules on communication (which was zero communication). 

    It’s been a week now and I do truly miss him, I felt he was more special that other guys that I met and that he could be the one I spend my life with. 

     

    I do believe he has feelings for me, but that they could be clouded by frustration and pressure. But I’m not an expert and don’t have ADHD, but I’m trying to understand and wonder if this is cause of those feelings. 

    I think this second time around I didn’t give him a chance to develop feelings, I pulled him along and pushed us too fast, but I was so excited and happy to be dating him again.  He had a spark for me the first time and wanted to try again.  We get along great, time flies when we are together and can chat on the phone for hours. 

    I’m not sure if taking this break was the right thing to do, he was at a point where he didn’t want to continue and he liked the idea of taking a break and trying a restart.  He wasn’t open to the idea of slowing down, it was too overwhelming for him. 

    I guess I’m looking for advice and guidance and if anyone has experienced this before. I really like this guy and think he’s worth it to chase after.

  • Still Confused and Sad - seeking support by: Lost But Moving Om 6 years 5 months ago

    My marriage is over and still mid-divorce (very nasty and over a year later).  Admittedly, I’ve self-diagnosed my ex as ADHD based on research after we separated. I recently found this website and see many identical themes and similarities in my defunct marriage.  I only wish I had known these facts before the “D” as perhaps we could have resolved some major issues in the relationship:  distrust built from habitual lies, anger and resentment mounted from the overburden of responsibilities and always feeling like a “caged animal”.  I am sad, very sad, as I love my h but can’t help him any more.  Looking for non-ADHD spouses to provide guidance on rebuilding life without an ADHD spouse since it’s all I’ve ever known . . . 

     

  • The End of a Marriage by: PoisonIvy 6 years 5 months ago

    Today is the two-year anniversary of my divorce.  Thank you to everyone who posts here for your insight and support during my marriage and since its end.

  • The end of a marriage?? by: Rmunet 6 years 5 months ago

    So lets see. Where do I begin? At the beginning I suppose. I met my wife ten years ago. Things were great at first. We had an amazing sex life. She was beautiful and had a good heart. As things went along though, it started to get very ugly very fast. She procrastinated about everything and she was extremely dirty. I told her how i felt about these things and she showed no interest in changing anything. So i did what came natural and I broke up with her and found someone else.

    So we spent some time apart and she showed back up in my life and she showed me that she had changed. She seemed put together and told me that the thought of losing me caused the change in her. So we sarted back up and things were good again. Eventually she became pregnant. By this time we were living together.

    Fast forward 10 - 11 years down the line. What ive learned since then is that she purposefully lied to me and decieved me into thinking she was someone that she wasnt. When I asked why she would do such a horrible thing, her answer has been because I had to do what I had to do to get you back. To say i feel decieved and manipulated would be a major understatement. We have a relationship built on lies.

    So what are the real problems though? I will try to tackle them one at a time without allowing myself to become overly emotional. 

    1: Cleaniliness

    I come from a home where cleanliness was a big thing. You bathe every day. You brush your teeth every day. Every day you make your bed.  Dishes are done every day. These things are definitly not happening in my home. We have 3 young boys ages 1, 3 and 6. If Christine takes a bathe twice a week that may be alot. Shes also not an advocate of soap. Ive learned from this relationship that soap causes cancer. So water is good enough. My children are also not bathed properly and smell awfull. Teeth brushing is reserved for special occasions. The bed has been made about twice this year. Dishes are left long enough for the house to be full of flies. Dirty clothes are hung up and are used over and over. We are known amongst our circles as "The Smelly's". My car looks like homeless men live in it. So why dont you clean yourself you ask? I've been asked that before. Guess its a natural question. Rewind a few years. I was once " Super Husband". I cooked, I cleaned, I maintained all aspects of a home plus I maintained a full time job. I was a mother, a father, a husband, a wife, a maid, a lover, a friend and much much more rolled into one. At the end of that road was mental breakdown waiting for me to embrace with open arms. I lost my job and ended up locked alone in a bedroom for two months. Only coming out to eat and use the bathroom for anything but bathing. No phone calls from any friends and no support whatsoever from my wife. You'll forgive me if I dont walk that path again.

    2: Sex Life

    Non existent. Ive seriously considered prostitution as an option.

    3: Procrastination

    We have gotten some great advice from many areas over the years. Unfortunately Christine has applied none of it. She sincerely loves to hear great advice. She says it makes her feel better. But applies none of it. She talks about seeking professional help but either hasnt at all or hasnt followed thru with somewhere in the range of none of it - most of it. Shes taken meds but quits after a month - 2 months. Reasons why? " Its not working", "I dont like how it makes me feel", I dont really have anything wrong with me. You just expect too much". She procrastinates around the home with everything. She hasnt worked a secular job in about 8 years. 

    3: Oops I did it again.

    Christine is a catastrophe waiting to happen. She has broken enough things that if i could get it all back and sell it all, I could probably buy a new 3 story home. Nothing is sacred and nothing is off limits. We have been thrown out of home after home after home because of her antics. We have been homeless 2 times and I fear that it will happen again. Its always just an "oops" away. It makes me frustrated and resentful to no end to work my butt off for my family and yet feel like its all for naught. Shes broken the pS4 multiple times. Shes broken flat screen TVs and much much more. I've thought of Dispraxia as a possible reason.b

    4: The reason is.....

    Christine has some reason for everything. This broke because... I didnt do this/that because.... 

    5. Wait, what time is it?

    Before Christine I was late to nothing. Now? (Chris get in the car pleaaaseeee ! Chris we dont need that lets go ....Chris what do you mean you forgot to do/grab this/that?)

    6: The insults / The lack of demonstrations of love and/or appreciation. 

    "I dont want you. I just want your money (Yes she really said that)

    7: Welcome to Christines version of "Normal" 

    In the past she saved dirty diapers incase they needed to be reused. Shes worn her own dirty underwear time and again. Shes peed and pooped on herself. She does things that make you go "huh?" Like storing garbage in the back seat of my car. 

    8: Shes alienated just about every friend we've ever had. As a result, we have little to no friends. 

    9: Low or no self esteem

    Theres lot and lots and lots more but heres the most important part. All of this has made me want to walk out on her. Ive become angry, resentfull and even violent at times. Its affected my children and im at the point where I just want it to end. I sleep in the car in front of my home. Ive even thought about ending my own life just for some peace. I dont know where to go for help. No one has helped. Therapy sucks. Life sucks. It would be nice to do some of the seminars on here but i cant afford them. Kinda wanna ask those around me will you remember me when im gone? Right now im just sitting in my car on my day off of work hoping it goes by quick so I can go back to work... the only place i find peace. 

    UPDATE: I went to wdw because theres no reason to punish myself on my day off by spending it in a car. So here i am alone. As I walked out my son says "Look daddy im playing Batman". It broke my heart that I cant be there for him because we both are so caught up in our own problems. As I walked out I said to her Im going you know where alone. Unthinking Christine says "You're going to Disney?" I reply " why dont you say it a little louder? Lets torture the kids ..  Why not? " 

     

     

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