Hi.  This is presented in terms of divorce but I think it is helpful for many kinds of unhappy or uncomfortable situations and life circumstances.  I've been thinking a lot about resilience lately, too, both because of things that affect only me (e.g., expensive car repairs) and because of things affecting our country (e.g., political leaders).  I wish my ex could rewrite his story.  He spends so much time in his head but has little to show for it in terms of improving his mood or his life.

https://karencovy.com/6-tips-for-rewriting-your-divorce-story/

Hey all... first time poster, long time wife of ADHDer.

I am already at the end of my rope as non-adhd spouse. My husband is in denial. We have not been intimate in 8 years. He can't/won't hold traditional employment. My house is in chaos. I am responsible for 90% of the load. Etc., etc. You all know the story too well. 

My concern has turned from myself to my husband's relationship with our daughter. She is a tween and very emotional/sensitive. I see her walking the same path I have over the past 20 years and my heart is breaking:

She approaches my husband for love and understanding - she is hurt and confused when none/little is there

She hopes he will have interest in her and what she cares about - he is able to show little interest

She hopes he will spend time with her and asks him often - he is too distracted/disinterested/lives on his laptop

She does nothing wrong or the slightest thing (spills a drink) - she gets yelled at only to be apologized to later (apology is nice, but the hurt from these impulsive, sometimes cruel, blurts is accumulating all the time for her)

She will go into his room (yes, we've had separate bedrooms for 10 years) and try to clean his mess because his belongings are in permanent disarray (read: there is not a fiber of carpet showing in that room) - She can't clean or fix her way into his heart; she is often yelled at for trying

He says the words, "I love you" and he does love her but is unable/unwilling to show it in meaningful ways so that she will feel loved.

She has confided in me she thinks her dad doesn't love her. Boy do I know how it feels to seek his love, sometimes work waaay too hard for it and not get it. She has clearly and emotionally told him how she feels several times. It sometimes resonates in the moment, but his awareness of her feelings and needs disappears by the next day. Sadly he is unwilling to address his ADHD symptoms and truly does not see them clearly or how they impact his relationships. He sees us as adversaries who do not accept him for "who he is."

It was one thing for me to walk this path and stay because a divorce would mean I have to trust my DD to his inept custody part of the time, likely pay him support, and be separated from my beautiful daughter on the days I don't have her. At the same time, staying and watching her hurt like I know I hurt and become as heartbroken as I have become is killing me.

Can anyone relate? Can anyone with children (grown or growing) offer advice that has worked for you or eased this pain? I am open not only to advice about helping my daughter through in the current reality, but hearing from those who faced similar issues and decided to leave vs. stay. Sometimes I wonder if they would have a better relationship if he only saw her two days a week. However, that is a big risk for me to take and a lot of time to give up with my kind, sweet girl (not to mention he could easily get 50/50 custody, which would just destroy me and I believe, her). I find there is little information out there on ADHDers as parents. Please help and thank you all for investing your time in my story. Much love to all those struggling. ❤

Lack of boundaries, avoiding communication, seeking novelty and taboo stimulation -- I don't know if my husband's behavior stems from his ADHD or if it's some other issue, but I'm in a private little hell right now.

When dating, my husband hid behind a conservative religious upbringing to put the brakes on any sexual activity. A few make-out sessions were it. He instructed me not to masturbate, and since I was also from a conservative background (and, I realized later, I instinctively obey men when they tell me what to do), I obeyed him. He says he started watching porn, in the family room, with the sound off, when he was barely pubescent. He was wracked with guilt. He said he didn't know what masturbation was until he was in high school and he was horrified to find out. He said that, after he hit puberty, he forced his little sister to kiss him several times, shortly before she was hospitalized for a mental health breakdown.

Once, I fell asleep while fooling around with him, and when I woke up, he was having vaginal sex with me. I rolled away from him, cried, and he told me that I'd been awake and I'd wanted it. "What made you think I was awake?" I asked. "You were talking," he said. "What was I saying?" I asked. "You were saying, 'What's going on?'" The next day I kept breaking down in tears and he kept yelling at me. So I jammed it into the back of my head, along with the knowledge of what he'd done to his sister.

When we married, he refused to have sex with me. I'd wanted to buy a corset or some other lingerie for the honeymoon; when I pulled up the Frederick's of Hollywood website, he covered his eyes and said it was pornographic and it would be wrong if he looked at it. We didn't have sex on our wedding night, and when, on the honeymoon, I brought out some hilariously trashy cheap juniors' lingerie I'd bought as a gag -- he got angry and made me throw it away.

For months, he'd tease and flirt in the daytime, then roll over and ignore me as soon as we got into bed. I cried myself to sleep next to him. Finally, he told me it was because we were using a barrier method of birth control, and that if he had sex with me while using birth control, he'd go to Hell. I insisted we see a counselor, but he wouldn't discuss sex with her, either.

Things got a little better for a little while. We still averaged sex between twice a month and once every two months. I felt like I was going insane. Then we had a child -- which he'd insisted on, because Catholic -- and suddenly he was fine with birth control. But the frequency of sex didn't increase. On the rare occasions that he didn't whine and roll over when I tried to instigate sex, he tried to anally penetrate me, immediately denying it and saying he was just "missing." Eventually I caved and had anal sex with him several times, but he hates lubricant and is rough in bed, which left me bleeding the next day, so I told him I wasn't willing to do it any more. After six years with maybe two orgasms, I told him I wanted to buy a vibrator to use together. He wouldn't discuss it. I pulled up a bunch of product listings and asked him to pick one, since we'd be using it together, and I left him alone so he'd feel more comfortable. When I came back he said he know I was going to do whatever I wanted to do anyway so it didn't matter what he thought. I went to clear the Amazon history and found he'd spent the time on a gaming forum.

A few weeks ago, I woke up and my husband was digitally penetrating my anus. I was horrified, and I foolishly tried to go along with it -- because if I wanted it, it wasn't sexual assault, right? But in the morning, I told him never to make sexual contact with me while I was sleeping, ever, and never to penetrate my anus unless I gave him permission. He apologized but insisted I had been awake and enjoying it.

A few weeks later, he did it again. This time he insisted that HE had been asleep. He went online and diagnosed himself with a sleep disorder. He said he'd see a counselor. (He never made an appointment.) I moved into my kid's room. I just sobbed through my friends' wedding; I've been crying through weddings for years now, thinking, "How could I be so foolish?" and "What are they getting into?"

I was molested by my father on two occasions when I was eight years old. He crawled into my bed and forced me to touch him. After my husband molested me, I thought I was more annoyed than traumatized, but I've been getting more and more upset as the days go by. Yesterday, I realized that I'd mentally called my husband by my father's name when I was sorting everybody's laundry out. I can't stand to be near him. Financially, I'm not in a place to tell him to leave, but I'm working my way there. Our child is exhibiting oppositional behavior and I feel physically attacked by the people I'm living with. I'm exhausted, since I run a business from home, have to keep it clean for my clients, and my husband and child trash the place.

He's out gaming again tonight. Left clothing and dishes everywhere. I'm just so tired. I'm in my mid-thirties, and I feel old and without hope; I look at other couples and I wonder if they actually like living with each other and whether my husband is right when he says I'm a miserable person and will never be pleased with anything.

Have any of you suffered sexual abuse in your ADHD marriages? I know risky or too-frequent sex is common in ADHD, but are other disordered sexual behaviors also linked to ADHD?

I truly do not understand what goes on in a person's mind, who refuses to be responsible, and do the work of a Wife or Husband....How can a person be raised by two working parents, finish high school and college, get a job and support themselves...Then take marriage vows, enter a marriage, and start living like life is just one big party...And they are the guest of honor, with no responsibilities??....It's not that these people weren't taught to work, and how to share....I guess it's possible to just justify using another person up for your own selfish agenda, without a thought??

What really baffles me about this type of a mind is, they seem to show genuine effort to be responsible (do the work) when it comes to the majority of people outside the home, and even children inside....It's just their spouse in most cases they refuse to come along side of in a responsible manner...It's not like they don't have friends, and family who are in healthy marital relationships, who daily do the work, and are being good examples for them to see....They see it acted out in life every day....They just refuse to discipline themselves to the role of a responsible husband or wife...And then justify it....They have to justify it, in order to live with themselves....This dynamic (mindset/ life style) is what causes so much pain, and broken homes...They just don't care about anything or anybody, (enough to own it, and work to change) as long as they put themselves in the easiest role possible in daily life....I hope I never really understand this (learn to think this way) type mind....

I may never know why a educated intelligent adult would live so intrusive and abusive to their spouse....But, I know why?...Because it's allowed!

c