This will be hard to explain but it is a pattern I have noticed over the years.   Here is an example from today.   We were looking at an area of the lawn we want to turn into a garden.   It faces south and on the right side there is a tree.  I have been watching this spot over months to see where the sun is.   It turns out the right 1/4 of it gets much less sun.   Today I explained this to him and he would not acknowledge my observation.   Instead, he started explaining the science of how that could not be.   Then he asked me to explain to him how my observation could be true given the science.   This same pattern has gone on for years.   A couple of years ago, in my apartment I had at the time, he explained why I could not have sun in a certain spot of my apt.   Ever.   Well as summer came on, that area got really bright.   He was wrong.   LOL.    Anyway, it's been so frustrating I ended up telling him to F*** off today.   I mean, if he can't acknowledge my observations there is no point in having a conversation.   

My wife and I have been together for 5 years (Married 1.5). I was diagnosed with ADHD just after we were married.  The diagnosis explained a lot of the problems we were having and some of my feelings for many years. Fast forward to now and we are still having problems. While I am working on myself (albeit slow progress), I don't feel like she wants to take any ownership about her role in our dynamics.  (I do plenty of this to the point where I am always feeling like the "identified patient.")

One recurrent theme in our relationship is that my wife (non-ADHD) refuses to acknowledge how she also contributes to our parent-child dynamics, fighting, arguments, etc. I feel like am expressing how I feel intense criticism and overexplaining (e.g., "let me say it a different way so you get it this time"), but she refuses to acknowledge that she bears any responsibility for this dynamic in our partnership. 

Most importantly, I am left so frustrated and hurt because she won't acknowledge the struggles and the associated feelings that I have (struggling to stay on top of things, feeling shame and guilt about my symptoms and the impact on her, hurt by her criticism, etc.).  I just get more criticism or blame.  I don't need her to fix my feelings, I just want her to hear and understand how challenging it is for me without it turning to criticism and blame (e.g., empathy).

This is getting to a boiling point for me where I am now intentionally stonewalling her until she acknowledges my feelings and what I am going through myself. I am not proud of this, but other attempts just don't seem to be working.  

Does anyone else struggle with this in their relationship?  Advice, thoughts, support?

Thanks!

So I am at the end of my rope this weekend with DH's inability to recall pretty much ANY conversation we have, either just the two of us or with the kids.  My oldest son turns 18 tomorrow.  He had prom last night, graduates from high school next Sunday.  He is VERY full of himself.  About two months ago, this child started teeing up the "when I turn 18 I can do whatever I want" conversation.  I mostly blew it off with humor--like "yep-good luck with that" type of thing but the more he brought it up, I had enough.  This same child leaves for a gap year in Costa Rica in September.  He is a beach life guard, manages a beach all summer.  He has also had issues with drugs and alcohol.  To say he does not have the best judgement in the world is an understatement.  He has a 1:30am curfew.  And every freakin' time he goes out we have to have the curfew conversation again.  So DH and I agree that this child will have a 1:30 curfew from NOW until he leaves for Costa Rica.  And both me and hubby have this conversation with the child.  In fact, it is DH who delivers this information.  And would you believe...as of yesterday, DH has no recollection of this conversation at all.  Convenient, huh.  So I told DH yesterday that we will have this conversation with the child AGAIN and this time I will record it so that when either of them "forget" this information, I have a record of it.  Second thing DH "forgot", also related to this child.  Child wanted to go with his friends to a "prom house" in Lake Geneva for a few days.  Um...no.  And BTW, a "prom house" is not a thing.  So no.  And again, DH and I had this conversation, DH agreed that he had never heard of such a thing, etc.  And then today the child is mooning all over the house because "all of his friends are at the prom house" and lo and behold--DH DOES know all about prom houses, they had them when he was in school, he has heard about them all over the place.  Um...what?  DH did not go to prom, he currently has no friends, and spends every moment he is not working parked on the couch watching either youtube videos or Storage Wars, so where he would hear about what's hot in high school is a mystery to me.  

I know that others have similar problems with selective memory with their ADHD person.  Couple that with the "I know everything about everything" even with a LOT of evidence to the contrary and it is crazy making.  I start to feel like I am the one who can't keep stuff straight.  DH and the 18 year old have such an odd relationship-I am very anxious for the child to get away from the lousy influence that is his father.  Most things that DH and I discuss TOGETHER, and then present to the child, DH words it with some version of "your mother wants you to..." or "mom thinks and I agree".  Really not helpful.  The child tells me all the time that I am too hard on DH and that I am so bossy that DH just goes along with whatever I say.  I suspect DH's "selective" memory and desire to appear in a positive light EVEN if it means hurting OUR relationship is part of the ADHD impulsive, whatever is easiest in the moment, avoid conflict at all costs thing but boy--not mature at all.  And really hard to parent that way.

I am ready to record conversations that we have with DS so that NEITHER of them can claim that a) the convo never happened or b) the content of the discussion.  Thoughts?  I have to get some sanity here.  And what usually ends up happening is that DS pushes back when DH is out of town or working late or has gone to bed already and then once again, it's ME that is the enforcer.  SO tired of that dynamic.  

Any help or advice on dealing with the ever-so-convenient selective memory would be much appreciated-

dvance

For me, traveling with my ADHD husband is truly a panic inducing experience. He has the overfocused type of ADHD. When we travel and he's in an unfamiliar environment, his brain isn't able to take everything in. He only comprehends about 50% of what is going on around him, maybe less.  This causes his judgement and decision making skills to b very impaired. I would say he makes some decisions at a 10 or 12 year old level. To further complicate matters, he insists on being in complete control of our activities and we are at his mercy. As a result, our physical needs have been neglected and we've been put in dangerous situations many times. 

I had a full blown panic attack 10 years ago in the days leading up to a trip to Mexico. That was my first panic attack and  I ended up in the emergency room with that one. 

We're preparing for a week long trip right now. Yesterday I was in a state of semi panic all day long. I called my husband at work and unloaded on him in a very loud and unpleasant way. He handled it pretty well. He's making an itinerary and trying to plan and prepare, which he's never done before. He's trying to reassure me, but deep down I know he has no control. We are at the mercy of ADHD. 

Do any of you have any advice or stories that will help me deal with traveling this summer? Thank you!