Recent forum posts (all topics)

Worried for future of relationship with ADHD partner by: DSM_to 8 years 2 months ago
I am currently in a 7 month old relationship with an ADHD man, and I am a non-ADHD women who has very well controlled Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Depression. He is in his early 30s and I am in my mid-to-late 30s.
 
I am reading The ADHD-Affected Marriage, and so far while I can see some of the typical patterns, we thankfully haven't gotten far enough into things for things to have turned bad. He is very aware of his ADHD - he disclosed this diagnosis in our first conversation, and his symptoms are well controlled with a moderate dose of adderal. He also has concurrent Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, so when he's not on his medication he can easily sleep 20 hours a day, and focusing and motivation is extra difficult and frustrating for him.
 
He was diagnosed in his early teens, but did not go on medication until he was in the military - though he was raised in a very disciplined home, which he is appreciative of. He had a very intensive job there, which he excelled at. He has since retired from the military for unrelated medical reasons, and is working full time and again excelling - getting raises and promotions frequently. He lives on his own, keeps his house as neat as I keep mine (which is to say not crazy tidy, but not filthy - I call it "reasonably lived in"), and is financially stable. He has had a bad spat where he was given HORRIBLE advice to come off his long-term high dose (at the time) meds cold turkey, which related in a a predictably complicated time for him. But he has bounced back from that, and is doing very well for himself.
 
He's very self-aware of his symptoms, and said that he realizes that sometimes in long-term relationships he can get "tunnel vision" when he becomes consumed in a project. He said that while he doesn't really realize that he's going into, if you call his attention to it, he will recognize it, and be able to adjust his schedule to meet his partner's needs. So far our communication has been excellent, and whenever there has been something that is negatively impacting things - such as too intensive focus on the relationship, or not enough - I simply bring it to his attention, and we work together to find a solution that gives us both what we need.
 
I consider myself a very skilled communicator, and am also very self-aware about my own GAD symptoms, and how they affect me, my behavior, and my relationships. I have never been a type who reacts out of anger, and have always striven to wait until I've been able to process my emotions, and come up with a diplomatic way to speak about any issues I'm having, so that my partners and I can work together on a mutually beneficial solution. I am also very able to hear critiques of my own behaviors, acknowledge it without getting defensive, and am very willing to do whatever is needed to take responsibility for the role I may have played in any issues, and get things back on track. (Granted, most of my partners have not been able to meet me on the same level. But this time it feels different, thankfully.) It has been very successful thus far.
 
We are currently in a long-distance relationship, and visit monthly. The plan is for him to transfer here next year, and we will move in together. Neither of us want children, and I have been sterilized to ensure that NEVER happens!

 
I like to be fully informed of how to be the best partner for whomever I am with, so I decided to do a bit of reading on ADHD. I have had many friends with ADD/ADHD in my lifetime, but I've never been in a relationship with anyone with it, so I wanted to make sure I had all the info I would need. I had already identified many of the differences in which he approached things as being ADHD related. For example, it's hard to get him to make appointments for doctors and such - he just forgets, or puts it off. Bureaucratic stuff, such as getting forms filled out and turned back in is a similar situation. However, he seems to function well when given a list of tasks and a deadline - it allows him to have a concrete goal post, rather than leaving it open-ended. I've learned this through feeling frustrated when things weren't getting done, but then speaking with him about it in a more concrete fashion: "X must be done by Y in order for Z to happen" works, whereas "you'll need X for Z" does not". Figuring that out has been very helpful. When I have expressed my feelings, and then presented a concrete path to get past it, he is able to respond.
 
In any case, I felt that overall, we were/are building a very strong foundation for a lasting relationship moving forward. We've discussed the possibility of marriage at some point in the future, though neither of us are in a rush. I am divorced, and he does not feel any pressure from his family to get there - what's more important to both of us is a healthy, happy, stable relationship. I felt that we were/are doing really well.
 
In finding the info on the book and forums, it's the Hyper-Focused Courtship part that really has me terrified. Because of trauma in my own background, I know that I need a partner that provides a good deal of emotional validation, and plenty of physical affection (cuddling, holding hands, etc). Right now, I get that in spades, and it's wonderful. Sometimes he even wants more than I do, which is a first for me to experience. He loves me intensely! Now I'm worried that it's all part of the Hyper-Focused Courtship, and that one day - perhaps after we move in together - it will simply all stop. And that will be extremely unhealthy and triggering for me and my issues.

 
I realize that all relationships start off hot and cool off into more of a romantically-colored friendship. I'm perfectly fine with that. I've been in a 6, 9, and 3 year relationships in the past. His longest relationships have each been 2 years - though they sounded kind of dysfunctional from the get-go, as many relationships in the late teens and early 20s are. He said he was always willing to work on things more, but the women were not. Some of it could have been chalked up to ADHD, but I'm not going to try and retroactively do post-mortem's on his past relationships when it's impossible to know all the details.

 
What I will give him credit for is taking several years off of dating in order to get focus on himself, and wait for the right relationship to come along. He did date during that time, but as soon as he knew it wasn't a good match, he would bow out, not wanting to waste anyone's time. I feel that I can deal with the way he works differently - and it seems through reading these forums that having children often triggers the overwhelm that makes things extremely difficult and toxic, and that's not something that will ever be an issue with us - but I don't think I would be able to deal with suddenly "losing" him completely once his neurochemistry no longer finds me a source of reward. I would like to think that since he is aware that he can get "tunnel vision" which can affect his relationships, and says that he just needs to have his attention called to it, and a plan put into place to remedy it, that would be all anyone could ask of anyone in a relationship - ADHD or not. We all have our eccentricities and neurosis, after all.

 
Am I just setting myself up for disappointment by thinking that maybe we'll be different from all the other extremely unhappy people that seem to be posting here? I was hoping to find lots of positive stories, to try and counter-balance the negatives...but that's proving difficult. I do try to keep perspective. After all, you can find a lot of really intimidating and scary stuff written about relationships with people with anxiety and depression as well. I'm sure there are forums full of miserable people who think that anyone in relationship with someone with GAD/depression should run for the hills. And while I certainly have bad flaps, I work extremely hard to manage everything so that it has as little impact on my relationships as possible. Of course there are many people who do not, or who are not able to manage their symptoms.
 
I love him very much, and he's the first person that's ever accepted me just as I am - he says I'm the first person to accept him just as he is, as well. I would never want to assume he was going to behave in a certain way due to a diagnosis, just as it has been EXTREMELY damaging to me when past partners have assumed false things about me based on their own idea of what my diagnosis meant.

 
I want to speak with him about my fears, since he's been very open about everything, and I think he knows I don't judge him for anything - but I would also hate for it to come across as hurtful in any way. Maybe if we're both aware of a common pattern among people with ADHD, it will help us avoid the pitfall? I don't want him to feel that he's having to "prove" anything to me. My last relationship was much more damaging to me than my divorce was, as I was not only gas lighted for 3 years, but was constantly made to "prove" that I was "ok enough" to be worthy of him staying with me. And I don't EVER want to do that to someone else, or put them in that position.
 
Any advice is welcome. I love him very much, and can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him. But I'm not sure I could handle "dropping out of favor" and suddenly not having the companionship and physical affection that I need to feel secure in a relationship, and more anchored in my own life. Would/could a discussion about this be helpful with him? Or will I just do damage over an issue that doesn't exist yet? Thanks for reading.
Angst and talking by: jennalemone 8 years 2 months ago
For years, my sister, to me, has been so chatty that I hardly get a word in. By the time she takes a breath, we are off topic of what I might have responded to earlier in her monologue. It sometimes makes me edgy. Yet, the other day she said something to me that has me thinking, she said, our older sister is not supporting her in her new widowhood the same way she supported our oldest sister through "entertaining her with talking".
It never occurred to me that she thought of that as entertaining to the person she was chatting on. I had thought she talked on and on because she was nervous and uncomfortable with silence between sentences - filling a need in herself.
Now, this idea of talking to entertain is intriguing to me. I can be quiet and comfortable with stillness...I need it sometimes. I talk to learn and share ideas and events and plans. But, I also am aware that I have low energy when it comes to relating to people and I tire of small talk after an hour or two.
I am now weighing the value of chatter. I will call it "keeping up a stream of loving thoughts that transcend" us from our worries and doubts and emotional fatigue. And here is why I am entering this on ADD page. I believe that one of the attractions to my H long ago was his ability and practice of chatting a racy distraction when I needed it. I tend to fume and fuss and feel and over think. He would DISTRACT me pulling me out of my obsessive negative thoughts. He teased. I hate that now but at the time it was a technique that pulled me away from that existential angst I sometimes swam in.
When my granddaughters get on a "poor me", "life is scary" tangent, I talk about it briefly and then change to some lighter topics. It is an effective way to get them back from their demons. But it is a short term solution for the moment.
"Louis C.K speaks about is that thing, the big empty, the awful feeling of being alone and powerless" This is a whole other topic. One that curself could address quite well I believe. He is the voice on this forum who I appreciate does speak of a loving creator who fills the yearning for fulfillment in us.
But what do we do when we feel we "need" other people and there seems to be no one around for us to fill the big empty? When I was a child, I did not have existential angst. NEVER! I spent Sundays in church and there was prayer everywhere and I dwelt in the spiritual arms of a loving God. Now as an adult I struggle to know what Faith and Spirit mean to me as many of us do these days. H's humor was helpful when I was young. But I and my granddaughters need more than short term chatter to fill us in the moment.
A short term chatter and a long term belief in faith. So, those "streams of loving thoughts and assurances that transcend" are soothing as a mother's tones and hugs. We want them and most of us do not get them. And for most of us, this does not come easy to provide. Spending time in a church where there is LOVE talk, rather than rules and fear talk is, for me, one of the answers. Spending time in yoga, meditation, art, work, volunteering....these are things that keep us sane. I will add talking as another one.
OK - so we are not married (bit of a long story but I need help) by: oldgoose 8 years 2 months ago
I joined this forum because it was by far the best I have found, with help and support for spouses of adults with ADHD. and as myself and OH have lived together for over 16 years as man and wife, we are married except for that piece of paper - therein lies the problem. I hope you will still accept me on this forum - it helps so much to know that others feel as I do and go through similar experiences.
OH is adamant that he does not want to marry me ,which breaks my heart. When we met he was separated from his wife as she had gone to live with another man, taking his children. But the split was very amicable and he saw a lot of his children - he still does . I was widowed with 2 teenagers and he was lovely at first, telling my kids he didn't intend to replace their Dad, taking them out for the day, suppprting me in decisions I made etc and we had a lovely year or so. However he then got a job driving abroad, which really upset me and I suppose I was still feeling vulnerable and felt that we were missing out on vital time together as we could never plan anything and when he came home from his trips he was always exhausted and then it was time to go again. I did over react, yelling and screaming and behaving in a way that I never ever would today. I just felt that when he was home we should try to make up for it by having a good time together, but he wasn't bothered about making the effort.
Eventually he got a job nearer home, but then he started to upset me in other ways. He got very friendly with a female teacher at my son's school and started giving her a lift to football matches. She tried to be all masculine and so on, but I knew she had lots of boyfriends. OH used to visit his brother on the way homes from matches and the teacher tagged along too. Luckily it did end when she adopted two children and had to stay home more. I always got on well with OH's daughter and when she visited at weekends, he would drive her to the station to catch her train home. I used to go along too, to say goodbye to her but he seemed to hate that, saying I was being too clingy. Things were going wrong even then.
We split up for week once, but he wouldn't tell me why. He just emailed me and said that he thought it best that we finish. I was very upset and we did communicate by email for a day or two and then I decided to leave him to think about things and stopped contact. A few days later I got a lovely email saying that he loved me and he asked me to marry him. I felt that it was a bit soon after our break up so I said we should wait to see how things worked out. We had a wonderful few months and then he moved in.
Over the years since then, I have tried my best to understand his ADHD (which I didn't know about until we had been together for quite a long time) we have a real roller coaster ride. He became friends with a girl on-line, and I could imagine he was very charming and complimentary, as he used to be toward me. When that stopped he took to watching porn (or maybe he always had, I don't know) all the time denying it, even when I stood behind him and saw it for myself ! He would say it was an ad he had clicked on. I decided that it wouldn't hurt me if he continued but sex for me was becoming difficult. I had been through the change and had problems but not once did he say he understood or ask what the problem was. His behaviour was, I now know, fairly ADHD typical, he would lose his temper and rant and rave but never say sorry, he would never compliment on how I looked or something I had done, he took a dislike to a lot of people and they felt uncomfortable in his presence, he would not help around the house or decorate saying that it was 'not his thing'. He could not keep a job for long, always upsetting people or taking too much time off, I kept us afloat financially, supported him through the times he was out of work and tried hard to be the person he wanted me to be. But of course you can only do that for so long . He loves going abroad so I went abroad with him for the first time ever, but I didn't like it very much and prefer to holiday in England. He said he would not come to my favourite places with me any more. I suppose I have issues of my own, I dislike travelling - especially flying. I am never happier and more relaxed than when I am in my own home and if we do go away (to somewhere he chooses) then I don't like going for more than a week.
His divorce came through and his ex got married. I asked when we would marry and he said "never". I was so upset by this especially as he had asked me in the email after we split up, He would never tell me why. Many people we knew and family members got married and I would go along and feel so upset because it was what I thought would be happening to me. Over the years I have brought it up many times, but the answer is the same "I will never, every marry you".
He has stopped supporting me in everything I do. I am an amateur singer and he used to come along and support me but he was always very critical of me and now he won't come along at all. I decorated the house by myself but all he did was show the little things I had done incorrectly. Two years ago he went to visit his brother in Canada. He met a young lady in the local pub and has continued to be in contact with her on facebook. I noticed a few little comments he had sent in a private message, saying how he likes the way she looks and how he feels they connect in their ideas on things. I tackled him about it and he went mad and called me a jealous bitch. He is off to Canada again in October, as his brother is having a 60th birthday party. He has bought a new suit. No prizes for guessing who he will be impressing. I am not going with him because I simply cannot afford it. My son lives in Australia now and I miss him like mad and am saving for a trip there next year and I would rather do that really than go to Canada.
We had a big arguement this last weekend about us getting married. He finally told me why he won't - that he do not get on. I yelled at him that he was content for me to be like his wife, cook, clean, and put up with a lot of his ADHD problems. But he is adamant that we will never get married. I am a firm believer in marriage and just don;t know what to do. He said that he feels we are like brother and sister and we may as well split up. But what he won't acknowledge is the fact that his behaviour in the past 16 years has left it's mark on me. I feel so resentful that he asked me to marry him and then took it away. He said that if he had to marry me he would resent me, well I resent him for NOT marrying me.
As outsiders - can any of you offer any opinions ? Thankyou for reading.
How does your partner react when you disagree with him or her? by: PoisonIvy 8 years 2 months ago
Does your partner 1) acknowledge the disagreement and that you might be correct; 2) tell you you're wrong; 3) attack you; or 4) some combination? If your partner does or might have ADHD, do you think the reaction has something to do with ADHD or do you think it's a separate aspect of his or her personality? I'm assertive and I like to be right but I'm also willing to acknowledge when I'm wrong. Former partner is not very assertive, likes to be right, and has become more willing to acknowledge when he is wrong.
Being constantly let down by your ADHD spouse. by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 2 months ago
There are so many things I want to do. So much I would like to explore, but H would rather just sit and play his video game for 8-10 hours a day and drink. Some days he'll come up with all these ideas, like "We need to take a long weekend and go camping". I say "Yes. When and where do you want to go?" He'll say "I don't know, we'll just find some place and go." Well of course that never is spoken of again and if I brought it up he'd be all "why don't we wait a few weeks when there'll be less people" or whatever to not go. Not like we can just up and go anyways since places are booked months in advance. And it we did book in advance you can be sure when the time came that he wouldn't want to go.He works at a powersports shop and told me SEVERAL times before summer arrived that they can take out any motorcycle, boat, jet ski, etc for free for a weekend. He told me how we'd take one of the swanky motorcycles and go camping and how he was going to take a boating class so he could get his license to take a boat out. As you can imagine, none of that came to be.

Back in April he called me at work and said "How would you like tickets to a baseball game?" Well he hates sports and I like sports, but I'm not a fan of baseball which he knows, but he said it would just be a fun day out. I tell him "ok" assuming that these were tickets that he was getting for free. Well then he tells me that there's a guy standing right in front of him who came into the shop and is offering 8 baseball tickets and $75 worth of food vouchers for $100. Um, now you've just put me on the spot. Why didn't you tell me that first? So I don't renege and then he tells me that I'll have to pay for them because he doesn't have the funds at the moment. Great, so I'm paying $100 to go to something I would never pay to go to! Yup, those tickets have been sitting next to our front door now since April and he's never made any mention of going to a game and seeing how there's only a couple weeks left in the season and the tickets are only good for games Mon-Thurs when we have to work (another thing he failed to tell me!), we won't be going.

He was so amped that one of his buddies had a ticket to go to this video game thing yesterday. The thing had been sold out for months but he offered H a ticket. H comes out into the living room on Thursday night saying he's going to go to this thing with his buddy yesterday. How he really likes hanging out with the guy and never sees him. I think to myself "I bet you $100 you WON'T be going". Sure enough yesterday I say to him "So aren't you going to that show?" and he goes "Nah." He never told the guy and the guy texted him twice yesterday morning wondering what was going on but H didn't even look at his phone yesterday. I just saw the messages come in, but never told H because he was so into his video game. I just can't believe he didn't even let the guy know he wasn't coming.

It's just the constant me getting excited that we're going to go do something and then when the time comes, he changes his mind because he just wants to chill out at home and play his stupid video game, which he plays for hours every single night and played for 8-10 hours every day this Labor Day weekend. Or he's tired, or cranky or doesn't want to deal with people. Then when we don't do something and I say I'm bored he goes "Well it didn't seem like you were excited to go out." It's hard for me to get excited about anything he says anymore because it never actually happens!
How soon is "soon" to an ADHDer?? by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 2 months ago
When I hear "soon" I'm thinking 15-20 minutes, but sometimes it could be up to hours! I'm so tired of waiting on my husband. If we have plans to run errands together or go out for the evening, he'll say to me (as he's sitting in front of his computer) "Are you ready to go soon?". To which I reply "I just need to get dressed". I should keep in mind that he is either still in his pajamas playing his video game that he's already been playing for hours or he's still in his work clothes playing his video game. So, silly me, I jump up and get dressed, do my hair and am ready to go in 15 minutes. Well he still hasn't moved from his video game. THen he'll come out and get another drink and go back to the computer. After another 45 minutes of me pacing about the house ready to go, he'll finally get off his computer but then announce that he needs to take a shower first. Arrgh! I could have been gone and been back by now. So I wait another 15 minutes for him to shower. But wait! He gets out of the shower with a towel around his waist and goes BACK to the computer!! He has to check the forum boards from his video game to see if anything has happened while he was in the shower. Then he'll have to check Facebook, email, etc. So about 30 minutes later he is finally ready to go.I don't start doing anything while waiting for him because I don't know how long he's going to be. I could have done a load of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, but no I just sit there twiddling my thumbs waiting on him. Then of course when he's finally ready to go, he gets annoyed if he has to wait on me for anything. I hear "Cmon, lets go!".

Just like when he announces to me that we are going to go out and then an hour later it's like he never said it. A couple of Saturday's ago he comes home from work at 6PM and announces that one of the guys is having a get together that night with sandwiches and beers, etc. and that he's thinks it would be fun to go but he needs an hour to chill out first. I am excited because we never go out much. He also announces that he wants to take a bath rather than a shower. Well he immediately goes to his computer and plays his video game. An hour goes by and he still hasn't taken a bath. He comes out at nearly 8PM (still hasn't bathed) and starts making some stuff to eat. I say "So I take it we aren't going out?" He goes "Oh did you want to? I'm hungry and just wanted something to eat first". It's 8PM and you aren't just making a snack, you're grilling meat. Plus you said the guy was going to have food there. I just say to him "No that's okay we'll just stay home" because at that rate, we weren't going to get out of there until at least 9PM.
He's the polar opposite of non functioning - can this be ADHD? by: SunBear 8 years 2 months ago
I am a non ADHD spouse. My husband says he has probably had ADHD since childhood, but has never been diagnosed. He is trying to self-manage any less than desirable traits that he is aware of. Brief background – he was married, divorced, remarried then widowed. I was widowed. We met and married in our mid 50’s. During courtship he was so very fun and treated me like a queen! After about a year he started losing the ability to filter some unnecessary hurtful commentary and there were some angry outbursts. We were already engaged to marry at that point, and by the time we were wed the honeymoon was already over. Now I am focused on avoiding criticism, and I wish I could stop taking the diminished attention personally. Intimacy is all but gone. There are now many topics that I consider to be off limits and I have become disconnected as a defense mechanism. I’ve tried talking to him about our communication difficulties but I always manage to put him on the defensive. These conversations have not gone well for me and I end up very upset. I know I am not a naggy person and I give a lot of thought to how to be considerate and tactful, but now I’ve learned here that my words have surely had undertones – very good to know! Regardless I've never had anyone be so hurtful to me. He has talked some about this but is not very receptive to seeking help so I want to be very careful in my approach. Now after reading on this site I don’t know what to think because he does not exhibit what seems to be the most common ADHD trait – an inability to follow through or contribute. He is the polar opposite of those experiencing issues getting things done around the house. Many things have to be done as soon as they present themselves like laundry, reading and deleting emails (even going to the trash folder to delete permanently), and tossing things (that others want) into the trash. He is like the energizer bunny around the house and works harder than most who are decades his junior. But he does know how to relax too. He is usually early – I don’t think he’s ever been late for anything. So there is no issue with him pulling his weight around the house and then some. I on the other hand now do many things I never had just to avoid any negative comments. When I read about the hyper focused courtship I cried a little. That is us for sure. I know he loves me very very much and it would matter to him to know that I am no longer especially happy, but at the same time I don’t think he can fathom anything he might do to change this. We were lucky to find each other late in life and I don't want to waste precious time before we begin to figure this out. So should we be looking into something other than ADHD with the hyperactivity and over achieving? I’d appreciate any thoughts as I may only have one chance to inspire him to seek help and want to have the best chance of getting to the right professional.
New and needing a sympathetic ear by: IXeve 8 years 2 months ago
I don't know if I can do this anymore. There, I said it. How nice it is to be able to say it to people who not only understand my life but are living it too, where you wake up one morning to see boxes that haven't been unpacked from when you moved... 5 years ago. See empty toilet rolls on the floor when the bin is a meter away. See overflowing rubbish, and recycling, stacks of computers and monitors in the hallway, see a new box of 100 assorted and tangled wires appear in the man room (that tip is not an office anymore). See various broken gadgets that are 'going to get fixed, don't throw it out'! Feel him pinch my bum every time he walks past like it's a belonging of his and god forbid I'm ever bent over! See this life as from another point of view and think "who in their right mind would put up with this?" I'm there folks, and finding it harder and harder to stay....
I'd like to share a portion of my story, stitch another patch on the quilt, so to speak. I am 33, F, divorced and living with my ADHD boyfriend of 6 years and my daughter 13yr (from a previous relationship).I knew from the start he had ADHD and he was on medication but he never talked about it much, it was a bit taboo and I stopped asking as he always seemed a bit uncomfortable.He has a high IQ and is high functioning; he must have multiple tasks on the go and he goes big - works full time as a Training Analyst 45+ hours, co-owns and operates the largest independently owned radio station in NZ, volunteers on the board of directors for a Theater company and regularly produces shows, snow boards and in his spare time re formats computers to use for his various projects.Oh and Facebooks his life away, can't forget that one.
He's not on medication anymore. He let his script run out soon after we moved in and never went back to get more, said he 'had it under control now'. I think that translates to 'Sweet, live in Maid!' I was working 2 part time jobs - actually got made redundant from 1 part time job the week we moved in together - talk about timing! He earned more than enough to carry us so I set up house, quite happy as I felt I was contributing well to the relationship. I got a second part time job and became efficient at both and was still able to take care of all of the household jobs, appointments, making sure my daughter had everything she needed, liaise with her father, I was like wonder woman haha!
Fast forward to 6 months ago, when I got offered a full time job working days in a popular cafe - Monday to Friday with weekends off, what luxury when you work in Hospitality! We had a talk that his contribution around the house would have to increase and he agreed, asked for suggestions of how to help and how we can get M13 on board as well. During the work changeover where over two weeks I worked at 3 different places and some days I did split shifts, he was producing a show - Sweeney Todd, which was exceptionally demanding of his time and I understood that. It was hard tho, he'd come home with his phone to his ear and answer emails all night and I did feel a bit forgotten about. He had anxiety while that show was on, he described it as his heart hurting and I said I thought he was having panic attacks. He didn't go to the doctor but with my encouragement he decided to leave theater for a while as it was affecting his health and he's only 37. He still wasn't doing much around the house and I was finding my new job difficult to fit into as well as organizing our lives that I cracked one weekend and said if he didn't buck his ideas up and become an equal partner in this relationship I was out - I couldn't take any more. He hadn't even noticed anything was wrong but vowed to make change - he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. That I don't doubt, he just couldn't see anything else. He did get better about taking initiative and took over doing dishes, did a few loads of washing, put some rubbish out, offered me hot drinks, cooked dinner a couple of times.
Things kind of slipped into old habits and then we hit a turning point - after telling him the dates of my Grandma's 90th (impressive!) birthday he filed it away in the wrong month and accepted to help out that weekend at a radio promo up the mountain. I got mighty angry as radio had interfered with my Grandad's 90th Birthday as well, and he wasn't able to go to one of his own family functions where his sister was over from Aus because of theater commitments earlier in the year. I hated turning up to these things feeling alone, I always have to explain what he's doing and I'm so proud and how bout our perfect life anyway? I just snapped and was angry at him for days, how could he chose that over me? Why was I not the priority when he loved me so much?
I asked him to to back out but he bluntly said he is the only one who can set up the equipment so he has to go. I don't have a lot of driving experience and the trip was a 2 hour drive, the longest I've ever had to drive open road before. I made it, had a lovely catch up with my family and got home again in one piece tired but pleased with my efforts - I have driving anxiety and it was a big deal! He came home 2 hours later and as soon as the door opened all he talked about was how great it was, went into detail about the things he did and how he fixed this and that - 'he's pretty good at his job, really'. He asked how the drive went and I talked him through my experience but part of him wasn't really listening, he interrupted a few times with something he remembered about his day and I'd steer the conversion back, feeling put out he didn't see it as a big deal.
Something in me broke a little that day, I shut down and did nothing. I slept on the couch that night and didn't move off it all the next day, no shower, no cooking, no food although I did make a few coffees, didn't talk to him. I put my earphones in my laptop and attempted to watch 2 seasons of Dragon Ball Z in one go, no interruptions. He just took it as a lazy day and literally put his feet up and did nothing. I realized in that moment, where I was not functioning not only because I couldn't but it was also a form of protest, he couldn't see it! He couldn't see his girlfriend having a meltdown, he could see an opportunity to sit on his ass all day without any repercussions!
Oh did I forget to mention, as we didn't talk about his ADHD I thought he was an inconsiderate pig who says he loves me one minute and forgets about me the next. Yup, I didn't know it was having a monstrosity of an affect on our relationship. For that long I hadn't factored in how his ADHD distracts him so badly. So that night I had the bright idea of searching relationships and ADHD and I came across this site.... my new haven. It boggles my mind sometimes that here I am, in a tiny country right down the bottom of the planet and these ladies, people, all around the world were living and sharing my life! Or, a parallel version of.
The enormity of these new facts, how it affects so much of day to day life and in some ways, how I must must become a mentor, a fairy godmother, an advisor.... I don't know if I can! I give so much, I feel like I will have to give even more and it feels like a crushing weight. I have depression and PTSD from my previous relationship and I need lots of care and attention, I need to feel looked after and cherished. I don't think he sees this, he now acknowledges his ADHD is something he hasn't been managing very well and is trying really hard to do his checks and put M13 and me first. We try to talk openly about it.
He's agreed to work for a different Theater company over the next 2 weeks, like it's a way around him giving it up if its a different company ha! so I feel in some ways it will never change. He doesn't refuse to see a Dr about medication but he has to get through this show, finish up the ski season, then there's more radio, always excuses rather than admitting its a first and foremost problem. So it's up to him to make the changes, with me cheer-leading behind him. I feel so resentful that no one is cheer-leading me, I don't really have anyone I can talk to who understands. I always thought of myself as being in a relationship where I am supported as well as supportive but now I am not so sure. I would like to get therapy as it has helped me out a lot in the past but I am worried, it's like a flip of the coin as to if it will help me stay or help me leave.
I'm also aware that my daughter is affected by it - she is distant with him, they argue one minute and are best friends the next. Also, in one of our recent talks he said if we broke up he couldn't see me ever again... or my daughter. It would hurt him too much to see her and be reminded of me so he would have to block us out. Hang on, how bout how M13 would be feeling? To be abandoned by a man you call your Step Dad? Couldn't you try and put it aside for her? It would have a long term affect on her that he's not willing to factor in! Try being a real Adult for a change! He's convinced he doesn't mean anything in our greater family relationship and wouldn't be missed, life would just carry on without him. I don't know how to make him see what he's got and what he is so close to losing.
It's a pickle I tell ya, long yes as it's the first time I have ever offloaded all of this. I want to shout how much better I feel for looking for a bit of understanding! Thank you all, I appreciate your time and feel a little less lonely.
As I always try to look at the positives, yesterday I was reminded of how sometimes it's not so bad, he really NEEDED me to see something on his iPad (some dumb fart joke no doubt), all of a sudden he puts it down and stares at the TV, so shiny, and I managed to slip away and make a hot chocolate FTW!
Looking forward to empathy and kindness by: SpaceyStacey197... 8 years 2 months ago
I really had a bad moment just a bit ago. A blender that my late husband bought me is giving me trouble. I have been trying to really clean it and I cant seem to get it clean. I think maybe its just so old its falling apart. Thing is - I use the thing religiously and am very attached to it (I know I should not be - its just a small kitchen appliance... but for some reason I really am). I have been trying for 2 weeks! And still no luck, so today I got really upset thinking I need to replace it - that I wont be able to get it clean enough to really use anymore. And it really just made me sad, sad and frustrated. And really REALLY angry.. though I suspect that anger is coming from deeper things and just found an outlet.

What does my soon to be ex do? Nothing. Doesnt ask me if I am ok, ask me whats wrong, ask me ANYTHING AT ALL. Just goes about his business.

And thats how its always been... god forbid he ever be even slightly uncomfortable showing some small kindness to me or some fucking empathy. I am not surprised, and didnt expect anything from him. Because he seems incapable of giving a damn about anyone but himself. I am sure he is sitting outside chainsmoking and watching more videos of world of warcraft. I cannot believe I ever have wasted my time on seeing what I could do to HELP him, trying to find ways to make him happy.. WHAT A WASTE OF MY TIME AND ENEGERY... He never returns it... EVER.

I am really looking forward to not feeling alone, but just being alone.
Whine-a-thon! by: overwhelmedwife 8 years 2 months ago
H has evolved into being a constant whiner. It started a few years ago and has become worse. In fact, he's lost his golf partner because of the whining.

Now, H whines about the simplest inconveniences....what I call, "life's hiccups". A couple of days ago, we were in a parking lot looking for a space. We saw one up the aisle on the left and began to approach it. Another car came down the aisle from the opposite direction. The other car had no intention of taking that space, they were just coming down the aisle. H got annoyed that he had to stop (not make his left turn into the space) so that the other car could pass. We're talking about a 2 second delay!!!
H then insisted that this was an example of another "weird thing" that makes his life so miserable! Lol. OMG. He then began lecturing me about how I'm not empathetic to the "fact" (lol) that his days are filled with "weird things happening" that upset him. He kept insisting that other people don't have all these odd things happen. Uh,, yes they do....it's called life.

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