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  • Love's Sweet Song (a poem I wrote about our relationship) by: dedelight4 8 years 1 month ago

    I have been a musician all my life, and have written many songs, lyrics and music to different things. I do love writing music. lyrics are harder. But, I wrote this poem about our relationship.

     

     

     

    LOVE’S SWEET SONG                                                             

     

    A melody sweet I sang anew,

    how deeply in love, I was, with you.

    Love first returned, then rarely came,

    you never said why, you played this game.

     

    You wrote me into your melody sweet

    composing a sonnet, my heart skipped it's beat

    A passionate music, your performance divine,

    A love song to me, was your song with mine.

     

    A melody sweet, and harmonies pure,

    I heard it's call and felt it's allure,

    I thought it was mine,  it was my turn

    to sing love's song, to feel it's yearn

     

    It seemed so real, it felt so divine

    when singing the song,  I thought was mine

    but just like a beautiful mockingbird's call

    the song wasn't real, a copied refrain, is all.

     

    I learned the truth,  of who sang this song

    someone else, someone new, was singing along,

    she sang it to you,  a long time ago

    your heart sang her tune, and never let go.

     

    Her words were sweet, she fanned your flame,

    of passion and desire, but it wasn't the same.

    In your mind, a fantasy:  an immature one,

    seductively quick, you cherished the fun.

     

    You gave to her, what was rightfully mine,

    kept going, kept saying, that all was fine.

    You wouldn't look,  at what you had done,

    nor look at me,  or what we'd become.

     

    So now at myself, I'm so angry now,

    hurt and betrayed, I wonder how....

    how can I love, or trust anew

    when deeply betrayed, I am, by you.

     

    Why, oh why, did you wait so long.           

     til, every part of our song, was gone.        

    Did you have a point to prove, or

     or in willing despair,  to watch me loose?

     

    Was it needing to be justifiably right,

    or in defeat, for me to give up all fight?

    So, now the strength in me is no more,

    Seems, nothing left to be fighting for, 

     

    Now hearing,  you’ve begun, to answer the call,

    coming out, from behind, your hardened heart’s wall.  

    There had to be a purpose; this stand you made,

    to see me crumble, loose heart, lose faith?

     

    Whatever the reason, doesn’t matter now,

    You’ve won your stance, to the victor, I bow,

    Concede my feelings, hand you my sword,

    To the man I loved; the man I adored.

     

    With a smallness of hope, I pray you see,

    The person, the woman, that was really me,

    Finally seeing my heart, tattered and torn

    Battered and broken, riddled with scorn.

     

    Lovingly given, but the years were long.

    No heart can live without Love's Sweet Song.

    It broke my heart, tore my soul in two,

    I'm not the same woman, in love with you.

     

    I loved the man I thought you could be,

    and didn't see the man, right in front of me.

    I gave you my all, and gave too much,

    held nothing back, too little? too much?

     

    I wanted you to be, in love with me 

    the way I was, with you...... you see. 

    You wouldn't LET yourself feel that way, 

    for me, for us, so you strayed away.

     

    So, why the vow and promises made, 

    in the first place? I ask: why did you stay?

    You had to have known what the end would be,

    in living that lie, so long, with me.

     

    My tears, my fears and hurt is gone,

    swallowed in whole by Love's Sweet Song

    A song never sung, to me, by you,

    your victory sure, achieved and askew.

     

    The song is fading, I can barely hear,

    it's call, it's hope, no longer clear,

    But, you sang it loud, performed in detail,

    designed in lies, and designed to fail.

     

    How can you love, singing that song?

    a song of lies, a song so long.....

    designed in first, to make me leave,

    a cowardly act, so true, to deceive.

     

    I'm torn in two, it's sad, it's true,

    Which way should I turn, should I run, from you?

    How can I stay, when you say openly,

    " Sorry...... but you're not "in love" with me".

     

    I'd be a fool to stay..... don't you see

    to keep on going on like this,  and destined to be,

    chained to a song, sung too long to me

     Love's Sweet Song is lovely, but it's not free. 

     

    The song stole my heart and then my soul,

    it's melody sweet, but it took it's toll.

    I'm no longer listening nor singing along,

    for my heart died,  from Love's Sweet Song.

     

     

     

     

                                                                

     

     

  • Am I Being Unreasonable? by: Shalott 8 years 1 month ago

    Ever since we had the argument a week ago, I've been stewing over what I see as a major difference in opinion between H and I. I'll try to be brief. It's fair to say that H is obsessed with his phone. He uses it constantly. The first thing he does in the morning is check social media, before he makes coffee or eats breakfast, and he looks at it all through breakfast even though one or more of us are usually at the table with him. If he decides to join me on the couch if I am watching TV, he won't actually watch anything or participate in anything with me; he will only sit next to me and look at his phone, as if he is alone. Then he goes downstairs to work and doesn't come back upstairs to do anything more than use the bathroom until dinnertime, and the phone joins us at the table.

     

    I calmly told him last week how this behavior bothers me. I said that it makes me feel invisible and unimportant because there is no way I or our girls can compete with social media or the internet. I reminded him that he said he would have more time for us when he started his own business and worked from home, and yet we hardly see him. Even at meals, he is distracted by his phone. He can't put it down for more than a few minutes. H responded with, "Well, at least I am home a lot more than I was when I worked for Company X." I replied that that isn't really true, because when he is using his phone or on his computer, which is all the time unless he is sleeping, he is only physically present, not mentally or emotionally, and for me, it's worse than him not being home at all. H got angry and said that it's not the same at all, that him being there is way better than him being in an office an hour away, and for me to say it was easier for me when he wasn't home much was unreasonable.

     

    I couldn't make him understand that when he ignored texts or phone calls when he was working out of the house, I understood because I assumed that he was working so hard and was so busy that he couldn't respond. Now that he is home all the time, I see that when he is upstairs away from his home office he is just too wrapped up in his phone to pay attention to anything I or the girls say or do. I can say that I am lonelier now than I was when he was gone all the time, because I know now the phone and his job comes first, not me or our girls, and I see that this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. This is it. And that makes me sad and furious, and I have to bury it down deep so my girls don't see it. I have been doing this for 4 months and I am so tired, but I can't seem to make H understand how I feel.

     

    So maybe he is right. Maybe I am being unreasonable about this. Am I?

  • My husband on adderall by: ambi 8 years 1 month ago

    I don't no where else to turn, I need advice from anyone who has taken adderall. My husband was normally social, talkative, caring before taking the medicine. Now on it I've noticed a downward spiral that worries me. He no longer communicates to anyone in the family (even me), what he wants is now put a head of all responsibilities, his lying has increased drastically, and living with him is like living with and angry ghost (I never hear from him and when I pester him for an important conversation, watch out!) We live with his mother and care for her and the aggression has resulted in him no longer welcome in the home. Now I rarely hear from making the situation worse. So I end up with aggression, silence, lying, seeking connections outside our relationship. I keep meaning to leave the relationship but I do love and care for his well being. Any similar histories? Please pass some advice to help him

  • ADHD therapists or lack thereof by: Adya 8 years 1 month ago

    As the non- ADHD partner I have finally set boundaries that I will not continue this three year relationship unless he finally seeks out a therapist. We are not even married  but I feel like some that have have been married 25 years already. The problem is- in central Missouri there seems to be lack of resources. We can find only one or two that specialize in ADHD and they are extremely expensive. I myself have started therapy via Talkspace but fear he will only lie and get bored with them as well if I'm not involved anyone have any luck in the Columbia, Missouri area?. 

  • H came home happy last night, then a minute later was fuming! by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 1 month ago

    So tired of being on edge EVERY SINGLE NIGHT when he gets home from work! He has been pretty good lately and I thought last night would be the same. He walks through the door, calls me hunny bunny, gives me a kiss. I tell him that he must have made good time getting home since he's usually home about 15 minutes later. He tells me he left work an hour early to drop off a customer at their house because his bike wasn't ready and that's why he's home early. He didn't seem upset that he had to do that and was in a good mood. Well then I told him that I hadn't seen one of our cats since I've been home whereas, if they aren't there when I get home, then they show up within 30 minutes or so. We get worried because we have had 2 cats go missing in 6 months and another one of ours was MIA a couple of weeks ago longer than we like, but came home within the hour. Well when I told him the cat hadn't been seen yet, then his whole attitude changed. He started getting upset and asked if I had called for her and I told him I walked down the street shaking treats to no avail. He goes and calls her to no avail. Then starts ranting once again about how someone is taking our cats or poisoning them and it's unf**king believeable that another one is gone. About 30 minutes later she comes walking into the house and I yell to him that she was home. He was sitting on his computer and he snidely says "Thank god". I pick her up and bring her into the computer room to show him and he turns and looks at her and flatly says "Where the hell were you?". He is acting like he could care less that she's there because he's still wound up about the fact that she wasn't there when he got home. I tell him that I'm tired of worrying about the cats and he practically interrupts me before I get that out and goes "Well I don't know what to tell you. We NEED to get them GPS collars". I tell him "I had thought about that before..." and before I can finish saying "but they are so bulky" he says "Then get some!" End of conversation. If I had asked what kind or anything he would have snapped. He just wants me to take care of it because he's had a crappy day. See, it's all MY fault that they don't have collars just like it was MY fault that she wasn't home when I got home. He doesn't give a crap about anything until it's too late and then blames me. I go out to the living room and he comes out shortly thereafter and starts ranting about how horrible his day was and that he had to do EVERYONE else's work and didn't get a damn thing done. Funny, because when he walked through the door there wasn't a hint that anything was wrong. Then goes back into the room and I follow him and try to calm him down by putting my arms around him to which he wriggles out of and goes “I get it okay??!"

     

    I just leave and go out in the living room and start warming up leftovers for us for dinner. He comes out and says snidely “I’m over it so you can stop tiptoeing around. I had a stressful day at work and when you told me the cat wasn’t here it just made it worse. It’s not your fault the cat wasn’t here but it was the last thing I needed to hear”. You are damn right it’s not my fault! Next time I won’t say a word if the cat is missing then, I’ll just let you figure it out for yourself. And whenever you have a bad day I’ll make sure not to say anything that’s on my mind because it will just upset you. I set up trays because we usually watch tv in the living room while we eat. I dish out everything and put it on the trays and tell him it’s ready. Well he says he’s just going to eat in the computer room and comes out and grabs his food. He’s never done that before so I am left feeling like crap.

     

    Another lovely night and this is all because I told him I hadn’t seen the cat. That one cat roams so it wasn’t out of the ordinary for her not to be there, but it was odd for that time of the day. I pondered just keeping quiet about it and hoping she would show up shortly after he got home, but then I feared she wouldn’t and he’d be mad I didn’t say anything to him when he got home and would have got mad at me for that. So once again I lose. Can’t tell him anything because in some way it’s always my fault for saying something or for not saying something.

  • my partner gets angry if I ask for his attention or support by: waldewin 8 years 1 month ago

    Hi all, 

     

    I am wondering if any of the people have the same experience as I do. Namely, my adhd partner can get extremely angry if I ask him to cheer me up. He tells me tht my moods are my responsibility and that comforting me when I am sad is not something he signed up for. Furthermore, he compares my sadness (not related to his behavior) with the situation where he gets angry, telling me that I am not comforting him when he is angry either. I am a little bit confused, since I think him being angry and telling that everybody around him is an asshole, is slightly different thing. However, it could be just a different reaction to the emotionally loaded situations- he gets angry and blames everyone else and I get sad and think that me and my life is so bad. 

    My real problem is that whenever I ask for his support, often times instead he gives me more criticism as to how I have put myself to the situations which consequences I am no suffering from. I can understand this, I sometimes do the same when he is angry. However, he goes on, by telling me how angry it makes him, that I am now trying to make him become responsible for something I have obviously created myself. Even when he actually does comfort me, I often times have to pay the price later, when he announces how he is so supportive and I am not (do nto comfort him when he is angry either to me or someone else). Furthermore, he goes on, saying that I never take responsibility for my feelings, I do not even leave him alone when he has a stressful period (I asked for 15 minutes of communication) and overall, I am constantly being critical of him (mostly pointing out when he is critical of me). 

    Something in this situation feels wrong. I am now scared to ask for his advice or emotional support. I feel that I have to handle everything on my own and in addition deal with his regular criticism. It does not really feel good. 

     

    Thank you for your responses!

    M.S. 

  • How to Ask Current Marriage counselor to get trained on ADHD Marriages by: kats-a 8 years 1 month ago

    Hello,

    My husband and I have seen our marriage therapist for over a year. We specifically selected her to help us through discernment therapy. Out of this we decided we wanted to stay married and work on ourselves and marriage. During this time I read a couple of Melissa's books and other ADHD and marriage books. My concern is that my husband nor the counselor know much about how ADHD affects our marriage. About a year ago I asked the therapist to do some reading herself and cited this website. As far as I know she didn't and I feel that I need to make the request again for her to gain some additional knowledge and skill about how to keep working with us while weaving in how the ADHD affects us. My question is, how should I phrase this request? We don't want to find a different therapist but the ADHD is like an elephant in the room and I'm the only one who can see it. Thanks.

  • Newly Married and Trying To Understand by: Astiman 8 years 1 month ago

    Please forgive my grammar and other writing shortcomings.  This is my first post and I'm typing from a place of stream consciousness.

    At 58.5 years old I married for the first time. My spouse has ADHD and OCD. She has three children two boys and a girl. The girl is the middle child. In addition she has a god-daughter who has a child. We've let a foreign exchange student move in with us and now an additional young adult is moving in, her niece. My wife's children are 22, 20, and 18. The god-daughter is 20. The niece is 20. The foreign exchange student is 21. Our home is filled with 2 dogs and a cat. I am 13 years older than my wife. I have depression and have experienced PTSD as a result of hearing my mother shoot herself. I'm trying to understand ADHD, my wife's values, the behavior of the kids and their lifestyles. But I must admit I'm frustrated. I don't understand what I'm seeing or the values of my family. I'm African American and my wife, her kids and her niece are white. The god-children are black and the foreign exchange student is black but from a country in the Caribbean. Admittedly some of my frustration may be due to cultural and age differences. My wife's mother is four years older than me. My mother-in-law's parents had a drinking problem. I'm sure that influenced how she raised my wife. She abused my wife and because she conceived my wife when she was 16 she blamed my wife for her being dismissed from Catholic all girls school because of the unplanned teen pregnancy. My wife is one of three kids. At 16 she left home and moved in with another family. In the new household she was one of 5 to 10 kids. The person that took her in has claimed her mother didn't want her and because of that experience that made her sympathetic and concerned for my wife when she was a teen. None of my stepchildren help with cleaning up and even my wife has a hard time cleaning up. For example, the stepchildren pull dishes out of the cabinets, eat food, and simply leave the dishes for someone to clean up. They don't make up their beds, pick their clothes off floor, constantly invite friends over to eat and leave a mess behind, can't seem to help with yard work until the yard has gotten out of control, always invite their friend who are in distress over to live with us, will bring home a new pet simply because its cute or they want one, and the oldest is dependent on natural and synthetic marijuana and alcohol. Regarding the oldest behavior, he's been in and out of rehab and fell off the band wagon because he won't give up his friends who are likewise addicted to marijuana and alcohol. When my wife kicked him out he chose marijuana over buying food. He's smart and should be in college but he's not motivated for college. My stepson's father has ADHD, an addictive personality and abused he abused my wife when they were dating. The other two children were fathered by a man with untreated bipolar disorder. The youngest child, a boy, has ADHD. The daughter made a profound announcement during a dinner a few years back. She talked about how they ran off one of their babysitters and at the end of her monologue she said, "The thing the babysitter didn't understand is that we (meaning she and her siblings) do what we want when we want to do it." That comment sums up how my family lives. My wife has been in one abusive relationship after another. I tend to attract fragile women. So we make for a dynamic duo with lots of codependency in our behavior but she doesn't see our behavior as codependent.  We are in debt.  My retirement pay isn't enough to help cover our living expenses.  We have more money going out in charity, helping other needy people that don't really appreciate the help and take us for granted, and credit card bills.  She doesn't want me to take a job because it might mean I have to move to another city.  Where we live is in the town where my mother died.  My late parents' home and the town itself is a constant reminder of my mother's suicide but wife isn't going to move until our kids and now the additional kids living with us finish college.  I fear and forecast that we will be broke and risk loosing our home or my parents' home because of the mounting outpouring of money to bills and other people.  A part of me regrets getting married, especially at such a late age.  I'm an introvert and while some in our household are introverted my wife and most of the inhabitants are extroverted. My extroverted wife knows I need my space but it appears that until the kids move out of the house, which won't happen until they decide to leave, living with a crowd and no privacy or quite space is the trajectory of my life for the next 5 to 10 years, possibly for the remainder of my life.

    If you are introverted and the non-ADHD spouse what are your coping skills for your marriage or dating relationship.

  • Intelligence, forgiveness by: inthedark 8 years 1 month ago

    I am attracted to his intelligence, quick mind and intuition. BUT he is not circumspect which I am.  He just blurts out whatever he's thinking and because he is always trying to help everyone else I am starting to feel like I am an afterthought, and he says things like "if someone wants me out of their life it doesn't bother me".  He tries to hurt me but I know its just because he doesn't think I will keep putting up with his behaviour, or is it?  Can see how this would all become too much.

  • The last thing we need is for nearly 19 y/o stepdaughter living with us! by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 1 month ago

    My stepdaughter is turning 19 in just a few weeks. She lives with her mother about 4 hours away from us. She was in a high school/college program to be on track to graduate high school and also have an AA through a community college which should have happened actually last year, but she kept telling us the counselors didn't know what they were doing and she wasn't taking the right classes, which I highly doubt. We were then told she'd be graduating this summer, which didn't happen because she was still missing a couple of high school graduation requirements. She told us she was going to take a summer class to catch up, but then didn't and told us she'd wait until the fall quarter. Well, turns out she isn't going back to school, at least not this quarter. So not only doesn't she have her AA, she doesn't have her high school diploma! She also got a job back in July, but was only there for a month before quitting, telling us that everyone had an agenda against her. It's pretty much the same excuse she told us when she had another job the previous year and then up and quit after a month. So now she's not going to school and not working. She says she has anxiety and thinks she will fail at school. Apparently the "anxiety" is keeping her from working too, but she has no problem buying a bunch of expensive makeup and dying her hair from blond to red to brown whenever she feels like it and going on road trips with friends and being on Facebook all day long.Don't ask me where the money is coming for all that. I'm sure her mother is giving her an allowance of some kind.

     

    My husband thinks he can "fix" her or "help" her if he got her away from her mother and she came to live with us. He doesn't ask about her classes, if she's seeing anyone, if she has a job. Conversations on Facebook are pretty much kept to "We should go see this movie" or you should check out this video game". She hasn't ever even visited for more than 3 weeks since I've known her but he thinks at 19 she should move in?? I mean he hasn’t seen her since late May. Keeps telling her he’ll come down and visit but then never goes. Has only talked to her on the phone once since that and that’s when she called him on Father’s Day. There’s a bit of back and forth on Facebook, but that’s it. There’s no fatherly effort on his part until things go badly on her end when she says she’s not working or going to school and then he thinks he has to intervene and get her away from her mother and say how wonderful it would be if she moved up here and worked and she could “find herself” and paints this great picture, but in the end, it will be the same old thing. He’ll sit and play video games all night while I go nuts sitting on the couch with her while she plays on her phone for hours on end. Just like every visit. He will have a 5 minute talk with her about how she needs to get her life together and she will promise she will, but will do nothing about it and he won’t push her. He will be just like her mother and want her to be his friend and not hae her angry at him. The only thing that will change is now we have another person in the house to provide for. He is so hell bent on getting her up here even though I have told him numerous times I don't want her living with us. She was never with us for more than a few weeks before (and that was at age 15/16) and now he wants a nearly 19 year old to live with us because it will let her "find herself". Changing her geography isn't going to help her. She doesn't have any friends here but he just feels he has to intervene. She can get a job up here, even work with him, and then go to school up here. She can do all that down there as well, but she chooses not to using anxiety as a reason as to why she can't do anything.

     

    Do you think he should try and help her by moving her up here? I mean he's a mess himself! No money (so lets spend even more money we don't have on her), skips out on work sometimes just because (but he says he can get her a job with him), but he thinks he can improve her and motivate her.

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