I found my ex has ADHD (he's 34) 5 months into our relationship. He never told me. He only mentioned sometimes that he's bad a organizing and scheduling. I found out when I saw Ritalin on his desk and asked him what it is. He told me it's to help him with organization skills. I went home later that night and googled Ritalin myself. So ADHD came up. But I didn't think it was a big deal. Now finding this site makes me realize ADHD stretches far beyond work ability. I'm now officially done with this guy after a year of physical and verbal abuse. It's sad thinking about how kind, attentive and trustworthy he seemed at the beginning. However things turned around a few months later and he started distancing himself from me. When pressed for a reason, he would blurt out things that hurt me so much. The things he said are so shocking that I would need another post to write them down so that readers can understand the extent of their hurtfulness. Sadly enough, even now I still think he's a guy with a wonderful heart. Maybe it's his ADHD? Maybe it's me that's not good enough for him and brought out his worst sides? I don't know.

Anyway, as I said I will write a separate post about his verbal outbursts with me. Here's just an example of "physical abuse" he has done to me throughout the year, even in the beginning of our relationship when he was optimistic and happy:

My ex boyfriend thought I was not skinny enough and don't look good enough, so he controlled my diet. In fact I have a very normal BMI and healthy and happy. He would allow me to only eat a salad at every meal, and at occasions where others are present, e.g. eating with friends and relatives, even in the presence of his own mother, he would stop me from eating when he thinks I've had enough, or take away food from my plate (in a smiling "loving" way). It went on for a year. Imagine feeling starved when climbing the Alps (he blamed me for looking grumpy all the time, of course I was starving and struggling with low blood pressure, thus I was grumpy!) Of course now I blame myself for allowing those things to happen to me, I humiliated myself. But at that time even though I knew it was wrong, I always assumed my ex was a bit nerdy and idiotic when interacting with people, so I kindly explained to him that he can't do that kind of actions to people (like explaining to a 5-year old) instead of smashing the food on his face.

Anyway, nothing worked because he would become defensive and put the blame on me. He would say things like he's only doing that coz I don't have enough determination to be on a diet on my own, and that he doesn't even enjoying controlling my food etc. Ironically, we're not together anymore, and the past few months post-breakup has been hell for me because of all the abusive shit. Food is just one example, there are many more. Hell has made me lose weight even faster than when he was controlling my diet, now I'm officially size small.

From hindsight, it's interesting that even when the food controlling began I didn't know he had ADHD at that time. But I still found excuse for him and assumed he had good intentions but bad actions. I guess I just have too much empathy that turned into my weakness and ended up hurting yourself. Dating this ADHD man has taught me so much about life, lesson of life that normal people would learn in years, I've learned them all with just one break-up.

I really hate these huge mood swings. For a good part of last week, H was not very happy. He was irritated with work, came home and didn't really say a whole lot to me and sat in front of the computer for hours. He'd snap at me for no reason. Now as of last Friday, his mood has totally shifted. He's really happy and upbeat. He tells me maybe he was in a bad mood because he hadn't gotten laid in a while! Well there's no reason why as I've been available every night! He got pretty drunk at home Saturday night and was loud. Then yesterday he was hungover for the morning and took a 3 hour nap in the afternoon and by 4PM was back to his happy place. He was just constantly talking about things and singing at the top of his lungs while I was trying to watch a movie we had rented. Then he'd sit and start playing his guitar while we were watching this movie. I asked him "Are you even interested in this movie?" because it had been on for about 30 minutes and I had no idea what was going on because I couldn't hear the dialogue over him talking and playing. He calmed down for a bit but was still being lovey on me. I mean that's great, but it was just constant "Oh hunney bunney, I just love our house and I love you and just kept being overly affectionate. Then goes "I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm just so giddy". Then we watch "The Walking Dead" and he proceeds to talk through a good part of that as well saying what we would do in a zombie apocalypse and how they are doing it all wrong! I make fun of him while he's talking about it and he goes "No I mean this is what we'd really have to do". Dude, it's not going to happen so please be quiet so I can watch the show!" Then he starts playing his guitar on the couch again and not really watching the show and goes "So did you see what I did there?" Arrgh! No! I'm trying to watch this show and you want to school me on what you are doing with your guitar! He can't just sit and watch tv, he has to be on the computer or doing something with his hands while we are sitting there. I like that he's in a good mood, but the hours of him just being manic just really turned me off. I'd rather have him that way than upset about everything, but still!

In the year since I've been on here, lots has happened. In April of last year, H decided (after many weeks of not going into work) that he needed to go into alcohol treatment. I knew something was up for weeks because he barely paid attention to me but would just joke about it. Then one Friday he calls me at work and tells me he's going into treatment. He gets called in to in about a week later. He's there for 2 weeks. Comes home and immediately feels better about everything. Needless to say, this did nothign to curb his drinking. It did for a few months, but he's right back to drinking as much as he did before. I think it was just another way to avoid work for a few weeks with an excuse. Says he's going into work that Monday but fails to go in for that whole week, even though he promised he'd go in. Finally starts going in. Goes in for about a month and then gets into a motorcycle accident at the racetrack in late May. Has several broken ribs and a broken scapula. Is in the hospital overnight. Well now he CAN'T work, which he's probably happy about. He stays away form work longer than he had to and finally goes back in early August. Gets told that there's a discrepency with his time off (well duh!) and this is his 3rd CAM in a year so he could be fired. Well his response to that? Not go into work again for weeks. Now he's deciding what to do as if he quits before he gets fired then he can get hired back in there if he can't find anything else. For some reason they don't do anything or fire him for weeks. Come late September, he has yet another accident on the racetrack. This one much worse and he is airlifted to the hospital with broken ribs and punctured lung, drainage tube. He decides to go racing when I am 2000 miles away visiting family and I get a call halfway through my trip that he's been hurt.I had to cancel my trip last time because of his previous accident because I was supposed to fly out 3 days later and then this happens. I still stay the entire trip because he says there's nothing I can do if I come home early. He is in the hospital for 6 days this time. You can imagine his attitude now. Everything I do is wrong because he is in pain and he makes me feel like a complete moron. Anybody shows up to visit he's nice and chipper, but as soon as they leave he starts barking at me. Finally decides to quit his job. Now he's jobless and hurt. Awesome.

He goes and interviews for another job and gets hired on there after nearly a month of playing phone tag. This is a job I found for him because all he wanted to do is sit and play video games because job hunting and sending in resumes is hard work! He's been at this job for 4 months now and seems to love it. There have still been a couple days when he didn't go in but he can't get away with weeks off here or he'll be fired. Says he likes everyone, but the guy he has to work with doesn't do his job so he gets irritated with him. Of course, you wouldn't be you if you didn't have someone to get irritated with. He still can't help much with bills. His money goes towards motorcycle stuff, video game stuff, HIS bills and money to his daughter for college. It's like if he has any left over he'll give me some for bills. I know he is about $9000 in credit card debt but he doesn't know I know. Then he goes out this past Monday and buys a $2000 guitar (even though he already has 3 and he can't play more than the first couple of lines from any song) but he just HAD to have it because the value will only go up. He gets all sweet on me because he got it and I didn't get mad. Even his buddy who went with him who plays really well said the guitar is too much for his skill level, but he didn't care. So I basically pay all the bills, do all the cleaning and the yardwork, run all the errands while he gets to play. He offered up my truck and our trailer to his buddy to help with his move. No word to me beforehand to see if it was okay. Figured it would be because I could drive his truck to work while he took his motorcycle. I would never offer YOUR vehicle up to someone without asking you first. Of course that goes along with him asking his coworker and his girlfriend over for Thanksgiving and telling me the night before they would be coming, or making plans for us to go see his buddy without asking me.

So anyways, he went from lovey dovey the past few nights because he was so enamored with his guitar and his daughter is talking to him again and everything is awesome, to last night coming home all irritated because his coworker doesn't do his job. He was emailing me all sweetly up until about 2PM yesterday but things must have gone south at work after that. Comes home and the first thing he says is "I hope you got beer because I need one" then starts going off about how shitty traffic was and nobody knows how to drive then about his coworker. Then the truck and trailer is back and he needs to back the trailer up into the driveway. This is always such a good time because I know he'll always get upset with me because I don't do it right. He needs me to stand by the driveway and guide it in. Well he's backing it in and it's fine but he's yelling at me that he can't see me and he needs me to tell him which way to turn it. I tell him it's coming back perfectly straight and he says "No it's not". Um, yes it is. He says again that it's not. Well if you seem to be able to tell me that it's crooked when I can see that it's not, why the hell do you need me here to help you? Guns the truck forward because he's pissed off. Starts yelling that he can't see a thing. I'm not sure what he wants me to tell him because it's coming back fine. Gets out and tells me "now it's all crooked and I'm not going to be able to get the truck in the driveway. Unhooks the trailer and then looks at the trailer and goes "it's in there perfect". A minute ago you were bitching about how it's all crooked and the truck won't fit and now it's perfect? When he's pissed off, nothing is right, even if it's perfect. Then when he calms down everything is fine. I know if a neighbor had been outside he would have been perfectly nice to me. It would have been "Sweetie, is it straight"? But since nobody was outside it was "I can't see a damn thing and you aren't helping at all!". I go in the house and avoid him. He comes up to me and says "I'm sorry I was frustrated." I say "I don't like being yelled at" and he immediately starts getting mad saying "I wasn't yelling at you. I was frustrated. I couldn't see anything and you weren't saying anything". Then he gets upset because I don't want to kiss him and says "Oh great now you're going to be mad all night." Like the whole damn thing is my fault!

Oh AND he went and bought a $12,000 new motorcycle back in November without talking to me about it! I take that back. He did say "I really want to get this one motorcycle" and then 2 days later came home with it. He goes "I know I didn't talk to you about it, but I  finally have  good credit and don't need any help in getting a loan." So you'd be okay if I came home with a new $30,000 car one night because "I have good credit and don't need any help in getting a loan"?

I do nothing but pay the bills, clean the house, keep the yard looking nice, buy the groceries, run all the errands, LET him make stupid purchases he can't afford and he treats me like crap when he's in a bad mood. If everything is going his way and he's in a good mood then everything is great, but if he had a bad day then it's perfectly fine to treat me like crap. Yet I can't have a bad day or he tells me to lighten up!