I have thought for years that my DH (45 y.) has ADD. Many symptoms seem to fit (always late, cannot start/finish projects, disorganized, distractible etc etc). Also, Ms. Orlov's book about ADHD and marriage seemed to fit perfectly with my own experience. I read this forum regularly and can identify with 99,99 % of the frustrations. DH's father suspected that he himself has it, and DH's cousin has the diagnosis.

However, a psychiatrist that DH finally agreed to see says that DH cannot possibly have AD(H)D because he has never "climbed the walls", doubled a year in school nor had trouble with the law and because he is able to concentrate (as demonstrated by one one-hour meeting with the doctor during which DH was of course on his best behavior).

The doctor's mind is now absolutely made up. It may very well be that DH does not have ADD but I feel quite baffled as in my view the doctor's reasoning is not very extensive. But after he came up with this conclusion, it was to no avail when I tried to say something to him about the subtypes of ADHD or the fact that DH has above average IQ and was therefore able cope better with his symptoms in his youth.

I realize that this is a very short description of our situation but would you say that the doctor made his up mind too quickly?

Hi All,

Question, my wife is ADHD and I'm not. We are married 2 years and just before Christmas we had a disagreement regarding my step son, which is sacred ground with my wife. Since then, we have not talked, she has been extremely defiant, defensive and we are seperate rooms of the house and at times I have stayed at my mother in laws just to get away. It's crazy, awkward and very difficult, not to mention confusing. This is the longest silent treatment so far and I don't know how to stop this. It seems she has gone into a sate of mind that I have never seen. I cant talk to her or do anything that wil provoke a discussion. She is upset and it seems I'm the enemy. She will not forgive me or lighten up, its the most difficult thing I have ever witnessed. It seems I have no leverage accept to maintain my distance for my own sanity. She works full time but leaves and comes home without a word. No thank you for Valentines flowers or nothing. I'm respecting her space (and mine) and I'm not pursuing. I would like to at least start a dialogue, but I have no clue how to get it stated without her screaming or criticizing at extreme and unecessary levels. I don't know if this will pass and get back to working on us, or if it continue until it forces a separation or a divorce. I do not want a divorce, I love her and we have amazing potential, but I have never been treated this way. I'm not perfect, I have some insecurities, slight possessiveness that at times if she is unable to control her emotions will take these the wrong way, explode with a flood of emotions and argue in ways I have never seen a woman go through, but these are qualities she was attracted to, but now, it seems they are the reason she hates me. Does anyone have advice or a history of a lengthy avoidance ?

Sad to say, I had a very bad day yesterday physically and emotionally, and was overwhelmed with what was happening between my husband and I. I tried to have a conversation with him, and he again said something very ADHD, which was angry in nature, (which he denies) and says "Don't take it personally". The conversation went  like this: I told him something I felt was important that I learned about, which was a political subject, and he states "I'd have to SEE that to believe it". (which he has said hundreds of times). To me, it sounds and feels dismissive of my opinions and observations, and that even an innocent statement can't be said without him "needing proof" that what I said was statistically correct and I wasn't saying something frivolous.

     He said he doesn't want to have to repeat what I say and then it turn out to be "wrong". "So, that I don't look like a fool if I tell someone else, and I'm WRONG".  He's MORE concerned with looking foolish when re-telling the story to someone ELSE, rather than having an inter ACTION with his own wife. Why does EVERYTHING I say have to be repeated to someone else? makes no sense. Why does he CARE if something I said was me just making conversation, putting me down in doing it, without me PROVING IT TO HIM? Like many things, ALL I WANTED was to be HEARD and be validated that I was caring to talk to him about some things that were important to ME. I tried to tell him this, but he got angry and said............"See I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING TO YOU". . He doesn't talk about me, or TO me. He talks AT me about himself. So, I don't understand what he's worried about.

     We also talked about his affair, and current "romance" with his old girlfriend, which is  DEAL BREAKER with me.  We went back and forth about things, and he came back later and said, "I"m sorry". We talked a little further, after we calmed down, which was better, but THIS is where it got weird. Instead of apologizing with a SINCERE apology, such as "I'm so sorry that my actions caused you pain or hurt". He said "I have to live the rest of MY LIFE KNOWING that I've caused someone else pain".........................THAT to me is a total selfish way of apologizing without REALLY apologizing. Because once again, he's making this whole thing about HIM. not ME. He didn't EMPATHIZE with my pain, but only saw that HE had to live the rest of his life feeling bad about hurting "someone else". He didn't even use my name, or say "I hurt YOU".  Does anyone else see this as a total way of NOT apologizing? I could be wrong, but it did NOT feel like an apology, and he disappeared back into his office and played computer games.

    I'm glad I'm getting out of this, because I know I can't continue living with this man, expecting to gain enough strength for my inner self to heal. There is SO MUCH work to do on my inner self.

I'd like to hear some of the other people on here if you've had this expression said to you by your ADHD partner. My ADHD husband has said this many times. He gets angry at our grown daughters and me (and others) because he continually says "(I don't feel like I'm included in the family). He means this when we get together and can talk for several hours about many different things. We laugh, and cry and generally have a great time. But, we CAN'T do this when he is present, due to the fact that he mainly doesn't listen to us. He really doesn't understand how MUCH he doesn't listen to the conversations, and how little he interjects into a conversation. I don't think he even KNOWS how to HAVE a conversation unless he's talking about himself.

      We can't sit and ONLY talk about him when we are in his presence, but that is what he does. He also will say very hurtful jabs or comments when he DOES try to comment, and then the conversation has to be changed or disarmed in some way. When I've tried to talk to him (at all different times) he almost immediately says, "Is this going to TAKE very long?" (in a hurried, frustrated tone of voice) It doesn't matter what the conversation is ABOUT. He wants me to say "whatever" in a 30 second soundbyte, and it's HARD to do that most of the time. So, I learned to stop talking to him altogether unless HE says something to me first, and then I respond with a very short comment, which usually has to be positive, because anything negative is taken as hostile. We talk very little now, even less than before due to our circumstances, but now only talk about him, ask HIM questions about himself, and he's okay with that, but he STILL can't see that this is NOT meaningful conversation. (but he can FEEL that this is meaningless conversation)  He has alienated almost EVERYONE in our family, his friends and everyone else due to this.

     At the same time, he HATES that he isn't "included" in our raucous laughing and talking sessions when we are laughing about things he would consider "dumb" or "not necessary" to talk about. Do you guys deal with this? and do ADHD people EVER learn to have back and forth conversations with others in a constructive way, WITHOUT making the conversation about THEM? I know some ADHD'ers must have to learn to do this, but it doesn't seem like there are many who can.

     Does anyone know what brings this on? Is this a learned behavior, or is this again, part of their brain wiring? I have not yet been able to get him to see any different than what he believes, and I gave up trying, but it doesn't keep him from being angry about it. If he doesn't want to see it, or know any different, it's not going to change..........ever. I feel bad for him about this. He's missing SO MUCH, and he FEELS that, but still won't investigate what is behind it all.