Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Where to go from here... by: wrinkles 8 years 8 months ago

    I've just recently started reading some of these posts of about being married to someone with ADHD and the struggles others are experiencing.  So many stories hit close to home for me and I feel better knowing that it's not just me and that I'm not crazy.  But, I'm worried about remaining strong for my kids, and my husband, when 40% of my household has ADHD.

    My husband and I have 3 children together under the age of 9.  Our son (age 5 1/2) was recently diagnosed with ADHD.  After his diagnosis a couple of months ago, I began doing substantial research on kids with ADHD, treatments, etc... I also read Driven to Distraction, which I initially picked up thinking it would help us with our son.  Within the first chapter or two. I immediately began to realize how so many of the symptoms and stories described my husband perfectly.  While I always secretly assumed my husband had ADD, he had never formally been diagnosed.  I never realized until doing research because of my son, how much of my marriage (almost 12 years) had been a roller coaster ride because of Adult ADD.  My husband was rather adamant he didn't need help and, while he has always felt and acknowledged himself as being different than most people, didn't think he needed to be tested for anything.  Finally, after convincing him it would benefit our son, he was tested and officially diagnosed with ADHD.  I have only recently started understanding why so many arguments, problems, his alcoholism, etc.. that we've had over the years are because of his ADHD.  Many times, over the years, I've been at the end of my rope in wanting to leave the marriage.  But with 3 kids, I've been sticking it out for their benefit.

    Now being faced with a young son who has ADHD and a husband who has it, I'm feeling overwhelmed.  While I love my husband very much and am proud of all of his accomplishments despite having undiagnosed ADHD and also a learning disability, the chaos, inattention, inability to start/complete chores at home, lack of consistency, help, broken promises, etc... has left the huge burden of raising 3 kids, running a house and also working full time to me.  I love, hate, resent and am upset with husband all at the same time. He's always told me that I should be grateful he's not abusive or the type of spouse to sleep around, gamble, leave, etc... so I should just accept and live with his faults and flaws.  But I can't anymore.  I'm 36 and am just so tired of being the glue to keep our family together, our house running and our lives in some kind of order.  I just want to be happy and feel like my spouse is an equal partner in our crazy lives together.  (I'll also note that my husband is estranged from his family (who actually have way more issues than he does but are in denial).)

    My husband has started visiting the Hallowell Center near us for help and is starting to come to terms with his diagnosis.  However, even if he fully commits to getting help to recognize and change how his ADHD has impacted our marriage and our whole household, I don't know that I can wait this out.  I'm not happy in our relationship and we've had many discussions about it.  Now that he has been diagnosed, a lot more makes sense but I'm at a crossroads.

    I don't want my son to have to go through all of the hurdles my husband has had, mostly because of having undiagnosed ADHD but I'm weary that my frustration with my husband, is going to transfer to my son.  While I vow to help my son through life cope and excel with his ADHD, I'm faced with having a spouse who has the same thing and cannot understand the effects on our family.  My husband believes because he has been successful in many ways, that our son automatically will too.  I've tried explaining that many of the problems my husband has faced are likely attributed to his ADHD but it doesn't resonate with him.  

    With all of this, I also have to somehow raise 2 daughters under the same roof who (at the ages of 3 and 8) do not appear to have ADHD. 

    While I do love my husband, the issues that have been plaguing us because of his ADHD run very deep.  I'm wondering if separating from him would make him realize that in order to improve things between us and our family, that he needs to take seriously getting treatment.  I also wonder if separating would afford me the time, energy and effort it's going to take to help our young son as well as try and create a somewhat "normal" household for our daughters.  I'm torn between the benefits and consequences of this long term decision.  I don't want to negatively impact our children, especially if we do separate, but, wonder of the long term harm just staying with my husband will do to them and likely to me.

  • They just don't take it seriously....any of it by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 8 months ago

    I hate that all I seem to do is bitch about these things — even though I don't actually bitch to anyone other than myself because I don't want to bad-mouth DW to anyone really! DW has just been on 'holiday' for the past 3 weeks, not really a proper holiday, but home to see family etc.

    We couldn't really afford it to be honest, but DW said her dad was paying for her flights so we compromised that she would just use that money as her spending money, and off she went! Turns out that this 'family-visiting' time has turned into what can only be described as a 21 day bender — DW has been drinking every, single day — her dad is an alcoholic and that's where she was staying, but this went way too far — with numerous nights out at clubs, 4 am type stuff!

    I've already expressed my concern about what I see, as a real alcohol problem — if it's in the house, she WILL drink it, regardless. I could be saving a nice bottle of whiskey/wine for special occasions but no, if it's in the house, she drinks it! Not socially either, she's just drinking it for the sake of it, or if she's 'bored' — which is a lot of the time! She's just told me that when she gets back she's giving up drinking for 90 days — although at 9am at the airport she is posting pictures to facebook of herself drinking cocktails!! At 9am!?! BY HERSELF!

    Also, the spending money thing — she assured me that she hardly spent any money whilst there, I have come to find out that she has maxed out one credit card (maybe $1000) and has requested a very large credit increase on another (she hasn't maxed this one, but has put a good whack onto it, again maybe another $800, and that's on top of the $600 she originally had from her father!). She hasn't mentioned this large increase to me as of yet — I'm not sure she's going to either.

     

    How the hell do I even approach this!? I'm so frustrated right now, I feel like I can't talk to anyone about any of this!! And I really don't want to upset her either — I do really love her, I just want us to be 'normal'! She has her first ever appt with a psych in 2 weeks — I'm really hoping she gets some meds!

  • When the non-ADHD partner is "done trying" by: JohnWilson 8 years 8 months ago

    Since my marriage took a turn for the worse last year, the one refrain that keeps coming up a lot from my wife is that she's "done trying" and it's up to me to show that I can put in the effort. I can understand why she'd be at the end of her rope, and I try to put across that I hear that and respect that. So it's on me to make my own goal list and start kicking some butt, right? But it puts me in knots to read about things the non-ADHD spouse could and should do to help save the relationship, like:

    • Separate the spouse from the symptoms
    • Learn to empathize (any remarks about my own feelings earns the reply, "It's all about you again!")
    • Try laughing at mistakes sometimes
    • Know what things your spouse is not good at and build around that
    • Forgiveness as a first step to trying differently
    • Accept that their partner will always have ADHD
    • Work out verbal cues and stick to them
    • Open up about their own deep feelings or their anger

    To hear my wife say that makes me afraid that none of these things will happen unless I can really wow her first with big, prolonged improvement. The last 18 months have shown that I just keep slipping. Does anyone have their own experiences or advice in this area.... how to ask my partner to shift a viewpoint a bit or take a tiny step for the benefit of both of us working out our issues?

  • Lost and hopelessly confused by: Ed3692 8 years 8 months ago

    I'm sure this is not going to be new ground here on this forum but it is certainly new to me and i'm so upset, confused and have no idea where to turn for help.

    I've been in a 4yr relationship with a wonderful woman and the first 3 1/2 years have been the best of my life and we are in our late 40s.   Besides being a beautiful, attractive woman she was so appreciative of me and all the little things no other woman has bothered to recognize.  She was always very attentive, highly attracted to me and we had a mutual fondness for each other very quickly which only grew stronger over time.  The communication was very open and forthcoming - she never left me wondering how she felt about me or anything else for that matter.  She did tell me early on that she had Adult ADD and at the time was taking some meds to help her focus at work.  The only signs i really noticed that seem familiar with ADD (from my reading) is her poor organization and follow through with some things.  She always intends to do something and is all excited about it, then it just slips through the cracks.  Occasionally it had something to do with our relationship, but mostly other areas of her life.   I've never felt closer to anybody in my life - we have the same interests, humor, lifestyle, family values etc..

    Early on it was clear she wanted to get married.  I'd been previously married (more than once) and it was not that important to me at the time.  The longer our relationship went on, I could tell how important it was for her to feel a commitment and to have a ring to signify it and honestly I think the pressure from everybody wondering when this seemingly perfect couple would tie the knot.. and when she'd have a ring etc...  She'd never been married and i knew she wanted the fairy tale romance.. and i wanted her to have it.  As time went on - i just knew she was it for me, and realized I was letting past mistakes influence my perspective. I knew she was who i want to spend my entire life with and it was silly not to jump on board.  I wanted us to live happily ever after and have her as my wife.    I created a fairly large proposal scheme and asked her ot marry me last Summer.  We don't live together but she was so happy and immediately started planning a wedding for later in the year or early next (2016) and we started talking about moving in together, which would be a relocation for her.  There is one other significant detail i'm leaving out, but it could be very relevant.  She had a third surgery over the holidays for a serious condition she has which left her with chronic pain and some other not-so-fun symptoms.  She lost her job and her prognosis is uncertain. The first two were the begriming of last year (so we had gone through one before our engagement).  During this time she's been on a  variety of medications - some narcotic including (Valium).  She's already weaned herself off everything besides a Valium occasionally - perhaps 3-5x week (that i'm aware). 

    Over the past few months i've noticed she has completely stopped talking about our marriage/engagement.  When i bring up moving in together she has a long line of excuses most of which can be attributed to her medical condition and the timing etc..  While some of this is valid - I've told her i just want to start planning, we dont actually need to do anything until she's ready.  Nevertheless it has provoked her in to being defensive, angry and still there is no discussion.  It seems almost taboo to mention we are engaged.. and she's all but stopped referring to it.   The million dollar question is "what has changed, have you had a change of heart, do you want to slow down - have I done something wrong, do you have cold feet"?   I've asked every which way but Sunday.  I get the same answer.  NOTHING has changed. My feelings are the same, i still want to get married etc..etc..  Since i never see any change in behavior or emotions.. ive asked quite a bit and now it just makes her angry that i don't believe her and she is defensive claiming that she still acts the same.. etc..etc..

    At first i thought it might be all the medications + pain, however, we'd been through this before last year and I didn't see the same type of behaviors.   This time though, since we are engaged I started wondering if ADD and the "chase" being over had anything to do with what im seeing.  

    I feel that I am no longer important. She isn't making any effort (certainly not like the past 3 yrs) to make me feel loved or special.  In other words, i feel like im in a relationship with somebody who looks like the love of my life, sounds like the love of my life.. but it is somebody I've never met before.  

    Can anybody provide some insight and thoughts about if/how ADD might explain any of this?  It seems that 3+ years is a long time for "hyper-focus" to have gone on.  From what little I know/read about it - it seems that ADD would have lasted a much shorter time before the excitement started to wane.  I know i can't be THAT exciting to have enjoyed over 3 years of it.  Does anybody think I would have seen a big change before now if the ADD was behind this drastic change?  Is a contributing factor perhaps?  Having a hard time (which is unusual with her) getting her to open up and discuss anything without it getting defensive.  We've always been able to resolve issues rather easily until now, so this is new and i'm at a loss.   

    I love this woman with all my heart and feel that my entire future, my hopes and dreams are crumbling right before my eyes and i can't do anything to stop it.  Worse you can imagine at my age I have one eye on the clock watching it tick down.  It doesn't feel like I have "forever" to figure this out and help her (if i can) - help me understand and move on from here.   I know somebody is going to ask me "what if this is just the way it is - what will you do"?   I don't know. I really don't know.   I can tell you that the uncertainty of her status, and this puzzle i feel she has given me to solve is not fun. And I don't think i can do that the rest of my life.  We have to be able to talk about whatever it is - or it's futile.

    Thank you in advance

     

     

     

     

  • When to stand your ground and when to cede by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 8 months ago

    My husband has ADHD and other issues. Well, we just found out that someone passed away in The Bronx, 2.5 hours away from us. We both knew her from our younger years but my H was closer to her. He hasn't really kept in touch with anyone from his past since he forgets and hyperfocuses on things rather than people. Well we were both going to go to the service and he found out he has to work. It's something he can't get out of. I get very anxious when he drives in the city since he has a temper and I get nervous driving myself in the city so I knew I wasn't going alone. Well, we have a mutual friend that knows the person that died also and she may be going. He mentioned that I could ride with her. That would be fine if she weren't accident prone. So I told him I would not be comfortable with that and he got upset. He said that he wanted me there to represent him. Again I said that I didn't feel comfortable driving myself or being driven by this person because I didn't want to put my life in jeopardy, especially since I wasn't really close to the deceased. He then said, "I am asking you as a favor". 

    Ok, I am not tit for tat but this man has on many occasions has flat out not done what I asked as a favor and it only required calling a family member to console them and he said he was not equipped for that. I was so angry when he said that and I told him how I felt and he still didn't do it for me. He has made MANY financial mistakes after not listening to me as well as illogical decisions that have hurt our marriage even after I tell him I can see it coming. So he does what he wants at our expense all the time. I have had my share of suffering at his hand. 

    So a second time he said he felt bad for not being able to go and he asked if I was going and I reminded him about how I felt. He said, "Nothing is going to happen! Never mind!" and then he stormed off and left me in bed for hours alone. 

    I understand what a favor is. I do them for him all the time and I inconvenience myself more than he ever will in a lifetime since he often forget things and calls me to deliver them to him and things like this. I am that girl that sees him in pain and give a massage without asking, brings bfast in bed, etc. He does NONE OF THAT unless I ask of course and then with a stank attitude. So here we are, I am put in a situation where I seem so horrible because I won't rep him at a funeral for someone he didn't even keep in touch with but brings back memories for him. Mind you, he said not too long ago that there was no one in NY left for him to see or make effort to see, one being his "best friend" who he emotionally disconnected himself from since his friend sorta sided with me when I left my H for a month due to issues we were having. He is so quick to shut people out but now he wants to make me a nervous wreck either driving myself or driving with someone that may kill me. He even told me last year he didn't want me driving with this person due to her accidents. 

    I am feeling like maybe I should give in but then I also want to stand my ground since a favor is not a demand. 

    This is the second time in our marriage that he has been upset that I don't drive in the city. The first time was about 15 years ago and I ended up not going to the city but paid for it. He called me unsubmissive and disrespectful even though I was scared to death of driving. 

    Any suggestiions? 

  • What price intimacy? by: jennalemone 8 years 8 months ago

    She: What do you think about _________?

    He: What do you mean?

    She:  What is your opinion about it?

    He: What is yours?

    She: I think it seems to me that _____________.  That is what I think about it.

    He: no words

    She: Well?

    He: What?

    She What do you think about ____________?

    He:  I doesn't matter, You just told me what you think. You don't care about what I think about it.

    She:  I asked you what you think about it because i DO care.  I am interested in how you feel about it.

    He: You just think you are right about everything. If I say what I think, you will just say I am wrong. so why bring it up?

    She:  I would like to know how you feel. And I tell you how I feel.

    He:  You don't care about my feelings.  Why should I care about yours?

    She:  What?

    Here is where I used to get side-tracked and take the issue about what he is saying to me about me in my defensive chaos.  My initial question was ignored as we locked horns amid my hurt feelings and his defiance about me not caring. Now I realize he does not want intimacy but would rather have his privacy and wants to isolate. Strong barriers to his soul and his will.  This is his decision and I cannot fight it any longer.  But I need intimacy and talk and sincerity and trust.  Part of me is dying because of the isolation and the darkness of our separateness and defiance. He can't talk about it.

    If I encourage him to talk and only agree with everything he says, supporting his views and not giving my own,  then our relationship is only built on NPR recitations, diversions, toilet humor and eventually, always, his diatribes about U.S. politics.  Not my cup of tea, especially between partners in life where decisions must be made and opinions matter. So many things go undisgussed and unsolved. So many things are in limbo and chaos.

     

     

    He: A sailor and a prostitute were sitting on the dock. The prostitute says, __________________hehe..............

    She: Hmmmmm.

    He: Don't you think that is funny?

    She:  Not really. Don't you know me by now? 

    He:  Have you NO sense of humor AT ALL?  Walking away in disgust. 

     

    I guess when 2 people are married for 40 years, there are some assumed screens we see each other through.  I don't believe what he says.  He thinks I judge him. 

    He lies. I judge. 

  • What do you do if they abuse their ADHD meds? by: AliceInBraids 8 years 8 months ago

    My husband has ADHD and an addictive personality. He used to self-medicate many years ago with pills and alcohol but cleaned his act up and tries VERY hard to keep his crap together. He makes all of his appointments, etc. with no nagging. When he was originally prescribed adderall it was awesome. It worked for him, I could see the difference clearly and he was practically crying tears of joy. But then be became addicted. I tried everything from hiding his pills, to keeping them in a locked box to keeping them at a friends house. Long story short, nothing worked and we went through absolute hell for a while. If you've never been there I pray you never go. Anyway I laid down an ultimatum a few weeks ago as a last result and in order to prevent me from moving out temporarily, he confessed to his doctor and was weaned off adderall, never to be refilled again. Hallelujah. But my question is, what now? Do any of your ADHD spouses have addiction issues as well? I would think it must be very common so how the heck do you guys manage meds?! He has now been prescribed klonopin instead for anxiety which is only a symptom of the problem and also klonopin is a benzodiazepam which are of COURSE easily abused so I am nervous. I am able to be "in charge" of the meds but its a laugh as he epitomizes the saying "where there's a will, there's a way".

    Has anyone else dealt with this? 

  • Anyone else feel like they are dating everyone their spouse knows?! by: AliceInBraids 8 years 8 months ago

    Hey all. I've been married to my husband who has ADHD for almost 11 yrs. Its been a rollercoaster to say the least, and from what I've read on this forum (I'm new here) you guys all know all about that particular ride. Which I am so sorry for, for you and your spouses both. I love my husband dearly and would not consider divorce unless he became violent, which he never has. Our main issues are 1: he ignores me. 2: He works incredibly hard, but is incredibly irresponsible with his money. And 3: I feel like I am dating every single person he knows. Like we are in a 50-way relationship. Every one of his friends, family members, and coworkers have a HUGE influence on our daily life in the way that if ANY of them dares to insult my husband in any way (lol, good luck not insulting him no matter what you say) he brings it right home and turns our home upside down. For example recently at work he was involved in a disagreement with a coworker. He is constantly causing drama for himself and I am embarrassed to imagine how he behaves at work. Anyway I kept my opinion to myself as always and pretended to take his side, agreeing that he was being treated "unfairly" (this is endless) etc etc. I have learned long ago not to say what I am thinking, which is "stop acting like a middle schooler". Well no approach works, I stayed supportive and cooked a really yummy dinner, played the sweet wife and still had to listen to HOURS of basically a tantrum. Every single day I am worried about how every person he knows will be feeling, or acting, or if they will be in the mood to coddle my husband that day. I feel resentful because the fact that we have a (mostly) peaceful, loving marriage NEVER matters. Its all, nobody loves me (I suppose *I* would be nobody here) or petulant, immature anger and misplaced attitude to where I am walking on eggshells. And I am f*ing sick of it! Not only to I have to navigate my own minefield trying not to set him off, but it doesn't even matter because if I manage to keep him happy there will surely be someone else who doesn't. I have grown to resent all of his coworkers and most of his friends, even though I know its not their fault. They are good people. But I am so TIRED of hearing my husband carry on about them that I feel like I can't stand them. Heaven forbid someone forget to openly favor my husband above ALL others - the sky WILL fall. Anyway idk. I feel alone, like I'm the only one invested in this marriage and present in it. He is so much more wrapped up in everything outside the home that he thinks nothing of making it his emotional toilet.

  • Anyone had NO medication work? by: Aquafairy 8 years 8 months ago

    I'm asking this for my husband, who has been diagnosed with inattentive ADD.  He's trialed strattera, ritalin, concerta, adderall, adderall xr, vyvanse, focalin, daytrana and wellbutrin.  None of them had ANY beneficial effect other than the vyvanse having a barely discernable positive effect.  He experienced most of the bad side effects of every med; increased BP and heart rate, anxiety, panic attacks, big crashes after it wears off, etc.  

    Any idea why meds seem to have no effect other than major side effects for him?  Anyone else experienced this, and were you finally able to find something that worked?  Thanks : )

  • finally decided to divorce by: labradorim 8 years 8 months ago

    After 16 years of craziness and chaos, I've decided to divorce my ADHD husband.  I didn't know until 2 years ago that he had ADHD; it was when our then-8 year old daughter was diagnosed with inattentive subtype ADHD that I realized how profoundly his life and our marriage has been impacted by his undiagnosed condition.  He is 62 now, and although I've made reference to his ADHD, he has never accepted it or really taken what I've said seriously.

    He has accumulated huge debt during our marriage.  He has been underemployed.  He calls himself an entrepreneur but he has only impulsively started businesses, done poorly with them, and closed them since I've known him.  Between his inattention/lack of focus/inability to listen/hyperactivity/immaturity and my daughter's struggles, I feel like I'm living in a circus.

    It took his being away from home unexpectedly for a month last summer for me to realize what life could be like without him.  It was a real shock.  To have peace and quiet.  To be able to establish routines in the home to help my daughter.  To only have one child to parent, rather than two.  I never wanted to be divorced; I still don't.  but the alternative of staying in the chaos of life with him is intolerable.  Even though I expect that co-parenting with him will be really really hard, at least I'll have a place to come home to that is a space I can fully occupy.  Somehow I feel like I've only ever had just a corner of our lives together.  I can show my daughter that there is a way to live without nonsensical rules, thoughtless comments, and resentment in the air.

    We have almost no assets because of home equity loans and his unemployment.  I don't know how things will look in a year.  But for the first time in so long, I feel some hope.

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