Do you think it's possible to have ways (techniques) to re-set your spouses hyperfocus back onto you if it has shifted away? Hyperfocus is what we non-ADHD spouses feel and fall in love with during the romancing early stages and find it wonderful. As we marry and time goes on, we non ADHD spouses begin to notice a drastic change in our marriage. Due to the ADHD symptoms, we begin to see our spouses turn away from us to more external stimulating criteria. Has anyone tried different approaches to get that focus back to you?
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Can you change your spouses HYPERFOCUS back onto you by: NonADHD 8 years 8 months ago
- Any dietary suggestions? by: meiohsetsuna 8 years 8 months ago
So my H is not medicated. He hasn't been for his whole life. We are newlyweds who live in Japan. I am aware that things like Ritalin are actually illegal here... not even sure what medicine IS available. (Japan is a culture that loves to hide their head in the sand, refusing to admit there is a problem, so he hasn't been to see a doctor about his ADHD since his initial diagnosis at about 7 or so. )
I'm trying not to be a nag about seeing the doctor, because I know I have already asked too much, and he is starting to withdraw and ignore me. The more I researched about ADHD the more I realized that some of the things he does really are out of his control. So I try my best to accommodate him and hope he'll get where he needs to on his own. (And I hope that means seeing a doctor eventually... but I'm just going to persist and trudge on until then) Unfortunately I don't have all the years of experience that his mother has. She didn't want him to live a life dependent on medications, so she researched and did all she could for her little boy. But he's not that little boy anymore, and I am quite frankly a deer in the headlights most of the time. I can't take him to the pool and let him swim until his energy levels are spent - he is a grown adult now and we're going to have to find different ways to help him out.
So I am wondering if anyone out there has any good recommendations on a healthy diet for an adhd person? I know that refined sugars are undesirable. He's a binge-eater and coffee is his legal drug. I make less rice meals for dinner but I know he's still eating bread and rice during the day at work. Can anyone point out some good websites, or relate some of their experiences? Thanks in advance.
- Understanding by: kellyj 8 years 8 months ago
I wanted to make a post around things that I have come to understand from the learning process I have gone through too date. This is more of just a summary and conclusions I have arrived to in my own thinking and applying them to my own experience. I thought about posting this in the section for couple seminar participants (as my wife and I am just coming to the end of) since I am applying a lot of the things that Melissa has provided there in the out line of the course itself.
These are not all new discoveries or things I've just learned......but rather the culmination of many things and putting them all together in a consolidated form. For that reason....I am doing this in the same format as Melissa has presented it in outline form without explaining all the reasons I have to support my claims. I'm laughing a little here in my thought process in how I am approaching this based on something that made me laugh (hard).... that Melissa made apparent to us (live during a session) when she told us that she was about to the do the most egregious thing a researcher could do .....which was to take another persons material....and rewriting it to fit her own agenda in the course she designed. Having said that......I totally get what she meant by that.......artistic license is the mother of invention! Nothing new under the sun anyway as they say....just a different way of presenting it all things considered. I said "artistic" license...not "autistic" license just to be sure! That's a joke by the way( as it is lol) ...as in ADHD symptoms being like autism in a lot of ways......that means me here not anyone else! (whew)
Anyway....for what it is worth...... I'm putting this in the hope and inspiration section from the success my wife and I have had in getting to this point together. As I am seeing it....we've successfully moved right in to the transition stage where before....... nothing was happening but just more of the same....to now actually communicating out needs and expectations of one another and learning how to negotiate and compromise.
Working back wards from compromise going back to no compromise ie: hopelessness, anger and frustration....it makes it easy to recap the process and retrace the steps we've taken to get to this point. What I've learned from going through this to this point....tells me I will need to revisit this page again and add more to it later when we reach that point and include what is missing later on.
That not only includes those who have ADHD...but those who are experiencing the problems that this creates for them and how they respond or react to these problems.
Definition of Terms and Outline (working backwards in time and movement from how to get what you want (compromise).... and what you want at the end of the day. (Intimacy)
Compromise = meeting the other person half way more often than not. If you are always giving too much in one direction (or giving past the half way point going in the other direction) on either side....no one wins and both people remain unhappy.
Expectations = Are created by Fear which leads us to believe things that are not necessarily true if we experience disappointment and the pain this produces in us because others have failed to meet the ones we have of them.
Fear of compromise = is the cause for not doing it.
This kind of fear is really the fear of giving up more than you have already given (past tense)..... and there is only so much left to give (now or in the future) This fear is really from believing you won't get your needs met and it comes from a selfish way of thinking. Taking rather than giving ......also comes from this way of thinking as well.
Fear = Comes from the experience of the past, but it is always applied to the future before you have experienced it.
Scarcity = Also comes as a result of this Fear.... which creates a self fulfilling prophecy which emerges as a side effect from this state and this happens to you every time you use this fear to guide you in making decisions that govern your actions. Taking more than you give ......also comes from this way of thinking as well.
Denial = A means of self protection from hurt and emotional pain. - Fear, shame and the inability to compromise, and inability to relate or understand others feelings all fall under the heading of denial.
Shame = The experience of emotional pain and hurt which says..... it's all me (a self imposed judgment). No one can shame you unless you believe it's all you and no one else.
- That...instead of seeing the things you do as just related to many things and variables that may have a legitimate reason or extenuating circumstance for most of them...as long as you have the ability to understand them and you are armed with enough information ahead of time to either communicate them accurately to another person and see them for what they are on the listening or receiving end of it. If that is really the case and your wrong...then guilt not shame would be the appropriate reaction.
- If what others say is not true....then the only thing you can offer them is your own understanding and leave it right there and accept this difference without having the resolution or closure to go along with an actual agreement.
That not only includes those who have ADHD...but those who are experiencing the problems that this creates for them and how they respond or react to these problems.
Judgment = Is the root cause of shame. - Without judgment....you can't have shame in the first place and all the expectations that are implied within the judgment within it. I is the source of most of our assumptions and misunderstandings we have and most of those come from....
Tacit understanding = Under the heading or umbrella of "tacit understanding".....comes a host of undesirable consequences from this fatal error in thinking which include "beliefs".... we have about ourselves and others. Tacit understanding in other words....is not understanding anything other than what you personally believe is true. It isn't based of facts of evidence but more on what you believe which get interpreted through your personally feelings and emotions about any given topic or another person. Under this umbrella comes.....
- assumptions
-presumptions
-self righteousness
- indignation
-entitlement (or implied warranty of coverage, owed what's due to you or feeling indebted to others, unrealistic expectations and unrealistic demands of others based solely on yourself.) Entitlement by definition.....is what is owed you and you deserve to have it. You don't owe anyone else anything when you are entitled something.
It is in every respect to this...what you deserve to have as "payment" by others to you instead of being thankful for the things you have and seeing it as the glass as being "half full"....instead of "half empty" in a pessimistic
way which only leads us too......
-miscommunication
-misinterpretation
-taking offense
-making other"s responsible for you out your own failure to be responsibility for yourself (or lack of it) ie; expecting others to mind read you instead of communicating what you want from others.
or
- Not knowing what you want in the first place comes due to always relying on others to do this for you and needing them to tell you want out of your own failure to either stand up...or from apathy
- either...doing this for you and/or (voluntarily going along with it)
or
- having this imposed on you against your will
This can only happen if you don't have options. If you have no options available to you ( or you don't believe you do?).....you can have no choice. This leads to being a victim in your own thinking or victim mentality.
Choice = implies you have options. Unless you are a child. You always have options.
Intimacy = The ability to become or make yourself vulnerable to others in a giving way by choice....... and not having it imposed or demanded from you as a creative process and not through: aggression, sense of duty or obligation, or by force and/or manipulation (coercion) against your will.
Three types of intimacy include> < Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
Affection Intimacy (AI) <<<<<<(Top of Pyramid)>>>>> Self actualization, Creativity
Conflict Intimacy (CI ) Esteem,Love and Belonging, Safety
Self Intimacy (SI) <<<<<<(Bottom of Pyramid)>>>>>>> Psychological Needs
As I stand back and look at where we are and how we got here....it shows me how much work and effort it takes to get to what you want....and the failure on our part in doing the "how to get there" part. As I see it....it's the only failure or mistake that my wife and I are guilty of in simply not knowing "how" to do this in the past. This leads us to the last step in the process....
Forgiveness = Allowing others to fail us and have mercy and compassion for them in the same way we want this for ourselves. In other words....the Golden Rule. And then finally.....
Trust and faith = in yourself and other people
J
- How do I address this issue? by: overwhelmedwife 8 years 8 months ago
For most of our marriage, H was the primary breadwinner. He had a very good job, and I stayed home raising our children (I worked full time during the first 5 years of marriage, until first child was born). Once the kids were raised, H began hinting that I should work. And, whenever he was mad at me for some minor or NOTHING reason, he'd yell at me to get a job. (This was when H was working and he refused to lift a finger around the house for ANY reason, even if I was seriously ill.) For awhile, I did get a job as a full timesales job, but it had no flexibility with hours (impossible to get a day off), and H still wasn't lifting a finger around the house, so we decided that I should leave that job. H had lots of flexibility with his job, and we BOTH resented the fact that I was literally a prisoner to my job's required hours. I then started my own business and have done quite well with it. It is a job where much of what I do can be done from home (taking orders, doing contracts, etc)
H has a very good retirement pension, but after years of living on H's high income, my business income allows us to continue living in the lifestyle we've become accustomed to. H has some expensive habits and insists on a certain brand-name Rx that our insurance doesn't cover, and is VERY expensive. This med is not necessary, but he "wants" it. It alone costs us about $600 a month. His other meds are mostly covered by insurance, but the co-payments run about $200 a month. So, his meds cost about $800 a month. His copayments for doctors and therapy run about $150 a month. We also must meet a $2500 per year family deductible before the insurance begins coverage. Every year, the $2500 deductible is quickly spent on H's doctors, RXs, and therapy appts. Overall, his "health needs" cost us about $15k per year (last year was higher because he had a major surgery).
I'm not complaining, just providing background for the following situation:
Now that H is retired, he NOW doesn't mind doing some chores around the house.. He is happy to help me with certain aspects of my business, and he does a very good job within those specific parameters (low stress/low anxiety efforts). He has NO INTEREST is doing anything that has to do with frequently updating 6 websites, customer contact, billing, invoices, record keeping, etc. I'm fine with that. In fact, H repeatedly says that he'd "freak out," if he had to do what I do. He hates the "interruptions" of calls, texts, emails, etc from customers. When he's calm, he just says that he's glad that I handle those things.
(In addition to H, I have an employee/assistant, but she can't do the parts that I do (the risk is too high, and she's also the nervous type).)
Since this business crosses time zones, I have to literally "be open" 24/7 in responses and customer care.
Well, when I'm doing the aspects that H hates, he's often annoyed that I'm largely unavailable to him. It's important that I not be interrupted at key times out of fear that I'll make a serious mistake. When I'm focused on doing a contract, or updating a website, I am very focused (maybe a bit ADHD...ha ha), because there would be a serious cost if I were to make a serious error.
H is like a small child who does NOT want to be told, "just a minute." When he's calm and we talk about it, he "understands," but at the moment he's talking, (the now, not now issue), he flips out if I tell him "just a minute". Sometimes, I'm so engrossed and focused, that I don't even hear his interruption.
H will then have a major temper tantrum (yes, that's what it looks like...a 3 year old) and start whining that I "care more about the job than I do" him. He'll demand that I stop what I'm doing and listen to his "tantrum du jour" as "proof" that he is more important than my business.
When H was working, I never placed such demands on him. I treated his job as a very important aspect because it was what supported our family. I never looked at it as, "you spend more time at work than with me, so you must think the job is more important than your wife and kids." I would never had thought anything like that!
So, H likes to say things like, "I don't care about the money, so I don't care if you give up the business." That is total BS because he'd never give up his pricey healthcare needs. His (false) claim is all part of the now, not now thing going on.
What to do?
- Blindsided and broken... by: AbbyNormal 8 years 8 months ago
- How do I avoid feeling hurt after an outburst? by: Goldilox73 8 years 8 months ago
My husband and I started counseling toward the end of 2015 and things were going ok. We discovered his issues with anger management likely come from ADHD, especially b/c our son was just diagnosed. I've endured years of his outbursts and walking on eggshells. My husband does have insight and understands his flare ups hurt my feelings. But, unfortunately, insight doesn't always prevent it from happening. The other night, he began yelling at me because I cleaned up his desk and he said I moved some papers around. I didn't remember doing it, but he insisted it was my fault and now he couldn't find anything. He just started yelling and it took all my strength, but I did not yell back this time. I'm trying to learn from these forums how NOT to react as the non-ADHD spouse. So, I quietly told him I didn't move his papers and walked away. So, I avoided a big double screaming match.....but it still didn't stop me from feeling hurt and I did what I usually do and gave him the silent treatment for 3 days. So typical in our marriage. He yells, I shut down. And it chips away, little by little by little..... SO, if I'm trying to be the bigger person and not yell back, all you non-ADHD spouses, how do I stop myself from still feeling hurt after being yelled at??
- Need to start healthy patterns by: Redhead5 8 years 8 months ago
Hi,
This is my first post. I've been reading the posts of others and have found them very helpful. My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD and naturally we are having some difficulties. I'm having a hard time with his need to call ADHD a gift and not work on the impairments. He was diagnosed in November because he set up an appointment with a clinic. I suppose I should have known it was going to be difficult because he keeps telling counsellors and doctors I wanted to get him diagnosed and on medication. I did present the idea that he had ADHD to him and we talked about how medication is one of the treatments but he seems to have rewritten our conversations. I hear that is a part of ADHD which is also hard for me to keep taking because I know he actually believes things I've never said.
Is there any way to help our conversations be truthful? Is this something an ADHD counsellor can address? He's a very convincing talker with others and most people, except for his family, believe him. Will an ADHD counsellor catch on?
- How long did you know/date your ADHD spouse before marrying?...and.... by: overwhelmedwife 8 years 8 months ago
How long did you know/date your ADHD spouse before marrying?
And what red flags were present during the dating years?
unemployment?
underemployment?
unable to keep a job?
anger?
instability?
losing things?
immaturity?
relationship issues with others?
bad with money?
disorganized? messy?
other red flags?
- Hope by: c ur self 8 years 8 months ago
I stumbled across a blog. today of a young lady who has in her words, "full blown" adhd. As I read what she had written I knew right away about her struggles...What she say's is real, and it's the hope I've held onto for 8 years. If My wife could have said these things to me in the beginning, I think our lives would have been so much better. If she could speak openly and peacefully now (without the chip, and anger) it would change our lives. Maybe some day she will, I still have hope! And if I could thank this Young lady for encouraging me in my hope, I would love to....
I'm posting the website in case some of you would like to read it....It's entitled...The adhd Christian, and The adhd Christian part 2.....She has another one entitled I'm getting married, but he's not "The One" There all good...But, she is a believer, so if Christians offend you, you may not want to read them.
C
- I was blindsided.. Didn't have all info before I married my ADD husband. Now I feel stuck in this marriage... by: MrsS. 8 years 8 months ago Hi it’s my first time posting on this very helpful group. And I have to tell you I command you all for your determination in fighting and or embracing your challenge that is ADD or ADHD. I’m coming to you without judgement but I need to talk to you about my situation and I wish someone could help me deal with this situation. I am not diagnosed with this condition. My husband is. I wasn’t told he had ADD until December 26th of last year. I only knew he was dyslexic and that is the only information I was aware of. I always thought something else was going on but I never could figure it out until my mother-in-law told me, well you knew he had Attention Deficit Disorder when you married him! I said WHAT!!! She never told me I swear, because honestly I would have sought help for him sooner than I did. My marriage wouldn’t have been as miserable as it has for the past 3 years. My husband can hardly remember his phone number, his address, forget about finances. He just goes to work and I manage finances. I pay all the bills, he cannot be trusted with money because on top of that he has a food addiction… There is a lock on my fridge (I’m not even kidding) I’m so tired of having this parent child relationship it drains the heck out of me and I feel like I’m stuck in this marriage where not all information were giving to me. Now I’m not going to sit here and play the victim, because nobody forced me to marry him, but things were different when he was pursuing me. He was kind, lovable, and attentive to my needs… I guess I had his full attention then…. Now he can go on all day in front of his Japanese cartoons or video games and it’s as if I don’t exist. I’m on the verge of separation because I don’t know how much longer I can go on in this relationship. It’s not even about love anymore because I don’t feel like this man can elevate my intellect, that he understands my inner thoughts. You know like most of the time I feel he doesn’t get it… I’m always the one yelling, arguing telling him what to do and looking like the bad crazy wife in front of our family and friends. I’m miserable, unhappy and out of love with this man… The happy pictures of my wedding are showing a whole different reality of my life now… He started his medication yesterday (Concerta) they started him on the smaller dose for a week and progressively they will increase it if I don’t see improvement… And I kid you not when I tell you the neighbor called me today to tell me my door was wide open today… He had forgotten to lock the door… This is just my reality… Forgetting to lock doors, forgetting keys, disorganization… I could go on and on. But I guess you know the symptoms better than I do. I needed to vent… Thanks for reading.. . I need help… P.S Sorry for my English, I’m French speaking.. Sorry for my mistakes.