How do you talk to a person about their ADHD without simultaneously tearing them down?
How do you say,
"You need medication."
"You need counseling."
"You need to receive treatments."
without also implying,
"You're not good enough."
"You need to change."
"You're defective."
He said this morning, "Do you want to start the day with a funny joke?" with a volume too loud for first thing in the morning.
I looked at him and said, "Sure!" in the same volume he came in with.
"What." he said same volume.
"What." I said same volume.
He looked at me like I had slapped him and walked away like a spanked puppy.
Response, response, assumptions, bad feelings.
https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/my-major-breakthrough-non-adhd-partner-part-one
In my first post (link above^) I spoke about how I realized the mistakes I had been making as the Non-ADHD partner in my relationship with my husband. I realized how awful I had been making him feel on a daily basis by treating him as if he were "broken" and needed me to fix him, help him, lecture him etc. etc. etc. All I really did was make him feel as if he wasn't good enough for me :c. After coming to those realizations, I was not happy with myself at all but at the same time, I realized that we didn't end up that way for no reason. His feelings and his side of the story finally got through to me and all but what about my side of the story? Did my side of the story matter anymore? I wanted for my hubby to feel good and happy but I wanted ME to feel happy in our relationship and in my life as well. So where do I go from here? How could I make an authentic and meaningful change in myself? What could I do differently? How could I find happiness within myself and within our relationship?
Here's where I elaborate on the backstory:
I thought about all the things I had "tried" in the past and why it didn't work. I tried talking to him, "we" had longgg, epic talks (where I did most of the talking and did pretty much none of the listening) about what he was doing wrong and how it affected me and then I'd "kindly" share my brilliant ideas about what he could do to improve and why I deserved it. (face palm) My God...if someone did that to me....it would be a total nightmare. I know I would feel like dirt and I'd probably get pissed off and feel totally ashamed and defensive. My guard would definitely go way up. Shame and embarrassment are such POWERFUL, painful feelings. That idea was so WRONG on so many levels and yet I felt that THAT was my best idea ever. I couldn't understand why it didn't work.....I was blinded by my good intentions. I couldn't see my mistakes since I was only seeing everything through my eyes without considering him and his side of the story.
Never mind all the times I yelled at him, got into HUGE, intense arguments, insulted him, disrespected him, called him every name in the book. I became cold and unaffectionate. It went from BAD sex to NO sex life whatsoever. All of the "I love you's" were empty emotionless words. My hands are literally shaking right now as I type this just thinking about what I had done. I put my husband through absolute hell and I actually blamed him for it all. I felt so right and so justified. I thought to myself, who WOULDN'T feel this way??? Who WOULDN'T react this way after "everything he put me through"? I thought to myself that anyone else would react in the same way or they would end up leaving him. And how noble was I for staying with him anyway??
I tried ignoring his "issues" and I tried to "play nice" while I took on all the responsibility with a fake smile plastered on my face, speaking to him in a fake "sweet" voice. I tried sending him "friendly reminders". I tried asking him what he thought I should or could be doing better. I tried guilt tripping him into doing what I wanted him to do by naming off all the "millions of amazing things" that I did for him ALL THE TIME and so why couldn't he do the same for me???.....Blah, blah,blah, all of those ideas were shit. It didn't matter what I did because the fact that I was doing it with the goal of trying to get him to change was wrong, plain and simple. It was wrong. I was trying to GET something from him. What I was doing is called manipulation. Manipulation is not love.
- And yes, he did put me through a lot okay. I'm not saying that he didn't and I'm not saying that he didn't treat me just as bad at times either. I'm not gonna name everything "he did or does" right now because that's beside the point. At the end of the day, I treated him this way because I was basically asking him for the world (without realizing it) and I punished him brutally for not giving it to me...even though he wanted to </3. There is absolutely no excuse for the way I treated him. I finally began to eat some of the SHAME that I fed him to every day for years, safe to say that it did not taste good. At this point, there was nothing he could say or do to make me feel as badly as I made myself feel once I finally woke up and smelled the cold, nasty, bitter coffee that I’ve been brewing up for him all these years. We had our good times every now and then...but it was mostly ugly
So what now?
Lesson #2) Lose the Entitlement.
After much thought, I realized that I had been walking around with a chip on my shoulder because I had a sense of entitlement.
en·ti·tle·ment
noun
Everything that I wanted from my husband was just that, a want, not a right. Why should I feel entitled to anything? Who in this world owes me anything, really? Nobody. I can't think of a single person who "owes me" just for my being me. So why should I feel entitled for my husband to be or to do anything for me? Who says my husband has to do anything? He can do whatever he wants and he can not do whatever he wants. And same goes for me. I don't have to do or be anything that I don't want to. I am free to make my own choices. I don't owe anyone anything and nobody owes me. Once I could see this and came to this understanding is when my life began to change for the better. The anger and resentment inside of me vanished and the funny part about it all was he didn't have to change at all. The only thing that had to change was my perception. Realizing that I had this sense of entitlement was the most FREEING discovery of my life.
It made me think back on why I was with my hubby in the first place. I didn't decide to spend the rest of my life with him because I wanted someone to help me clean house. I didn't choose to be with him because I wanted someone to help me out with the bills. I didn't choose to be with him so that I would suddenly have the "right" to make someone feel obligated into spending time with me etc. etc. etc. YUCK! I would never want to be made to feel that way. Imagine if someone wanted to marry me so that I am forced to have sex with them? Make them sandwiches? Use me as a baby-making-machine? To be their personal house maid and chef? Whatever. F-that. That is so gross to me.
Obligation is an ugly word.I want someone to be with me because they not only love me but they actually really like me as well. Because I am their favorite person. Because they feel strongly connected and attracted to me. Because being around me makes them feel good, happy, safe, at ease. I never want ANYONE to do anything with or for me out of obligation. That's not that kind of person I want to be. But I had been acting this way all along. How could anyone ever feel like they WANT to do anything with or for me if I've already made the choice for them? It's either, do what I want them to do or pay the price. Tisk-tisk! Tisk-tisk!
By thinking this way, I made myself feel absolutely MISERABLE!
Anything my husband DID do went unappreciated or under-appreciated (<-- it's the same thing) because I could name about a hundred and one other things that I wanted him to do that he wasn't doing, did wrong, too little too late etc. etc. etc. There is no sense of GRATITUDE or appreciation when one is feeling entitled. There would always be something MORE, I'd always want MORE, he could never satisfy my appetite for MORE. (facepalm!)
By losing my sense of entitlement, I learned that everything was a gift! He owes me nothing. I never want him to feel that he owes me anything. Anything that he does with or for me is a gift and is HOPEFULLY something that he WANTS to give me by his own free will. Not because I will otherwise be mad. Not because I cooked dinner last night so he should do something nice to repay me or whatever. He is free to give me or to not give me anything he wants. I wouldn't have it any other way.
When I freed him, I freed MYSELF. I realized that I had OBLIGATED myself into doing so many things that I actually didn't want to do and I blamed him for it (I blamed him for most EVERYTHING). I felt like HE was obligating ME when this really wasn't the case. He never asked me to do HALF the things that I volunteered myself into doing. I made it seem like "he's just making this mess so that I have to slave away." etc. etc. etc.- WRONG! He only ever asked me for my love, respect, and understanding. He really only wanted to see the sweet, happy, fun-loving, smiling girl that he lost long ago. THAT would be the greatest gift I could give him. He didn't want a servant, or a momager, or fricken guru, or a damn historian who just has to remind him of every mistake he's ever made. He wanted the girl he fell in love with to come back, that's it. And I wanted her back too. Finally, we agreed on something. c:
So what did I do from here? It's simple.
I backed off.
I didn't back off and leave him alone with the secret intention of changing him. I wasn't playing "nice" and "ignoring his mistakes" while hoping that he would change (like I had done in the past). No mind games. No manipulation. I simply let him be. My goal was not to change him anymore. My new goal was to regain his trust. I wanted more than anything for him to trust me with his heart. After all of the pain and embarrassment I had caused him, I didn't blame him for being so defensive around me. I didn't blame him for putting his guard up. If he treated me the way I treated him, I know that I would feel so low, and so hurt, and so ashamed that I would have built The Great Wall of China all around me to protect myself against another brutal attack. :'c
This might sound weird but one day I was remembering this song that we used to listen to together when we were younger and this one part of the song really hit's home for me.
It's called Pieces of Me by Ashlee Simpson and it goes like this:
I am moody, messy
I get restless, I get senseless
And you never seem to care.
When I'm angry,
You listen.
Make me happy,
It's a mission.
And you won't stop till I'm there.
Fall, sometimes I fall so fast.
When I hit that bottom crash,
You're all I have.
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real.
I like the way that feels.
It's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself.
I love how you can tell.
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me.
*EDIT* My interpretation of the song lyrics:
I am moody. I am messy. I get restless. I get senseless. And you never seem to care:
This, to me, sounds like a person who is describing some of the "flaws" in their personality traits and yet their partner never makes them feel judged or less than. Their partner doesn't look at them differently, their partner doesn't like them any LESS because of this. They feel comfortable, loved, and accepted by their partner.
When I'm angry, you listen:
This, to me, sounds like a person who has a partner who understands them well enough, to know that when this person is angry, all they are really looking for is someone to listen, someone to care, someone who understands their point of view. Their partner knows them well enough to understand that they are NOT looking for someone to fix their problems for them, they are NOT looking for someone who will try to tell them what to do/how to handle it, and they are NOT looking for someone to pacify them (all things that a parent may try to do to their child??? All things that I have Definitely done to my husband.)
Make me happy, it's a mission. And you won't stop till I'm there:
Again, this sounds like a person describing a "flaw" in their personality.
Fall, sometimes I fall so fast. When I hit that bottom crash, You're all I have. It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real. I like the way that feels:
It's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself. All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me:
^ THAT IS HOW I WANT HIM TO FEEL TOWARDS ME. That is my goal. That's level of trust and confidence that I wanted him to feel towards me. I wanted him to finally feel at ease with me again no matter what. That's it.
Backing off means: No more nagging. No more reminding. No more expecting. No more "time limits". No more epic talks about what he's doing wrong and how it affects me. No more telling him what he should and shouldn't be doing. No more helpful suggestions or advice (acting like I know better than him). No more assuming. No more "trying to predict the future". No more getting upset about something that hasn't even happened yet. I no longer wanted to give him a reason to feel NERVOUS around me. I didn't want him to feel like a PROBLEM or a BURDEN on me any more. I wanted his trust and I wanted him to feel LOVED just as he is, the good, the bad, the ugly. REAL ACTUAL LOVE! This should have been my goal from the start. How could I ask HIM for something that I MYSELF wasn't willing to give? How is that fair? It's not fair at all. Real love is FREE. It's not "my way or the highway."
In order to accomplish this goal, I realized that I needed to let my guard down too. I needed to learn how to trust him again as well. Most of all, I needed to find happiness within myself. Nobody is going to feel comfortable or at ease with someone who is in a bad mood, feeling miserable, and overwhelmed all the time. I really needed to take my focus off of him and put it onto myself instead, for BOTH of us. More on this in part 3.
(I hope this is making some sort of sense guys & gals. I'm sorry if I sound repetitive. I'm not really planning out what I'm going to say I'm just telling my story from the heart, trying to be as raw and as real as possible. And again, anything that I'm saying about myself, I speak only for myself and about myself. I'm not saying that my story is the same as anyone else's situation. If you can relate to my story in any way, though, I hope it helps!)
I fell in love with my husband nearly 10 years ago, in large part, due to his of his earnestness, sweetness, and frankly, his willingness to make a commitment to me long-term.
I researched ADD on my own and sought joint counseling early on. Later, I sought individual counseling as I tried very hard to understand our unique dynamics and gain skills to better aid both of us.
It's been nearly a decade, and I must admit, that this is not at all what I signed up for!!
I've come to a crossroads as I've had an unexpectedly serious health diagnosis, coupled with basic mid-life issues, calling this difficult relationship into question.
My sincere question is: At what point can it EVER be about the non-ADD partner?!
I find myself having absolutely no patience lately, becoming disgusted at every turn, crying every week, and basically dreaming about a life FREE of this delay stress.
As stated a few weeks ago, I feel that my partner, would suck the life out of me before realizing that he has done so.
He loves me, but is so hyper-focused on his own needs, no matter the therapy/intervention (and trust me, we've tried..) , is unable to rise to the ocassion.
I am beside myself...
Hi everyone, it is my first time posting here. I've been reading many of your posts and they have helped tremendously. Here is my story I'm the nonADHD partner.
I met this wonderful man in November, we met online and instantly fell into this intimacy as if we knew each other for years. We spent every free moment together, we talked on the phone for hours every day, we skyped whenever we didn’t see each other. Then I started noticing he would make some off color comments (for example about me having hairy arms), he would lose focus when I would tell him about my day, but at the same time he learned every detail about me and my life, my family, my work so I know he paid attention (he would watch my family home movies nonstop). He would act angrily sometimes or blow up during traffic, he would wake up around 4:30 am on a weekend night and turn on the light and walk around his room and eat a snack (while I looked at him confused from bed). He could never decide what he wanted to eat (Chinese, Italian, Cuban, maybe he could cook something?) he was never very affectionate, kissing wasn't something he enjoyed, even being intimate was at times a problem because he would lose his erection or not be able to finish. He was impulsive, in all aspects of his life. But I fell for him anyways and I would love to understand more about ADHD.
Anyways, I soon realized something was up and he himself admitted that besides being diagnosed with Tourettes (he only has tics no verbal outbursts) when he was young he was also diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety. Never took medication because he was afraid of what it would do to his personality and other side effects.
It has been 3 months that we’ve known each other and last week was the first time that he didn’t call me on the dot at 3:35 pm (I get off work at 3:30) and he didn’t text me or call me later either. I let it go for about 4 days and then texted him and he called me and came over the next day. Now it has been another 2 days and I haven’t heard from him. He replied dismissively to my text yesterday and then didn’t call me or text me. He did pull away from me twice before saying he needed his space, that he had a lot going on but the next day or at the most 3 days later he would call me back to "reconnect"
Today I texted him and haven’t heard back. We never agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, we were just taking it one day at a time but I really like this guy and I would like to know if he ever had similar feelings for me, if he ever could, is he ignoring me because he’s not into me anymore? Will he ever be? Once his attention is elsewhere will he ever think of me again? I don’t like sounding so needy. I have a lot to give and I bring a lot to the table in a relationship. I just really like him but have no idea if he likes me and is just distracted by his ADHD? Or if he never really liked me to begin with? Should I keep trying to contact him? Should I stop before I become more invested? So many questions
This is one of my favorite stories that my therapist told me quite some time ago, that I have recalled countless times to help me see my way through times when I didn't know what to do? It is a story of perspective, and I thought I would share it with everyone because it has been so useful for me to gain some perspective when I really needed it. Without further adieu.....
There once was a man who was lost in the desert and dying of thirst. He had been walking for days in the hot desert sun... and just when he thought that all hope was lost, he spotted an Oasis up ahead and rejoiced at his salvation. He made his way to the Oasis, and as he entered the lush area surrounded by palm trees....he met the inhabitant of this paradise who greeted him with open arms. This was a wealthy Sheik who welcomed him and invited him to dine and partake of anything he desired that was his to share and stay with him as long as he wanted. Seeing the condition of the lost man, he quickly summoned his 3 beautiful daughters who emerged from one of the many tents that spread throughout the area and ordered them to take care of any desire this man requested and to tend to his every need.
The women ushered the man into another tent which had a long banquet table filled with every manner of delicacies and culinary delights that one could imagine. It was a feast to behold and the women said that he could eat to his hearts content. Then after wards, they told him they would provide him with fresh clean clothes and lush downy pillows to lay on and they would tend to all his physical needs as he pleased.
The man was still reeling from his good fortune and the hospitality of his gracious hosts and stood there speechless and praised God for the gifts he was about to receive. However...as the man surveyed the sumptuous banquet before him...he noticed something missing? Amongst the many things that he had been offered and was being provided him by his hosts....the one thing missing was a single drop to drink.
I'm not saying that anyone else's life or situation is like mine but maybe other people can relate or maybe it will give a new perspective? I don't know. I hope this is helpful. I'm still FAR from perfect and have A LOT of work on but I'm so much happier in my life now so I just wanted to share a bit of my story with you all. I am 25-year-old (F) who has been with my ADHD partner (M) for 10 years.
LESSON #1) He is not broken and I don't need to fix him.
My hubby and I have been together since we were teens so his messiness, irresponsibility, laziness, etc. etc. pretty much went unnoticed by me or I noticed it but thought it was just funny/not a big deal at that age. But as we got older I, of course, expected more from him. I have to say, though, that as a teen boy my hubby DID make efforts to clean his room whenever I would come over to his house. To me, it wasn't my personal definition of clean but I knew it was clean for HIM and I thought it was really sweet and cute that we would do that for me on his own accord and I liked his room just fine.
Once we moved in together, though, living with a messy person was tough for me. He was a person who kept used dishes around all around his room and even under his bed (too lazy to put his dishes in the sink) while I was a person who is/was obsessed with keeping things clean and smelling nice. I need my environment to look pretty in order for me to be happy. This is a big deal for me!!! I tried everything I could think of to get him to change his messy ways. We talked, we split the chores, (and when that didn't work) we argued, I threatened to leave him a few times over it...
Safe to say that none of it worked.
He would usually clean up after we got into big arguments over the mess and he would tell me that he wants to be clean and he wants to have a clean home but it was difficult for him. Every once in a blue moon, he would clean up on his own once the mess got really big, (at this point I wasn't willing to do more than my fair share of the housework) but it wasn't enough for me. I was still unhappy even after he would take out the 4,5,6 bags of trash from the outside hallway and even after he washed the mountain of dishes in the kitchen sink because I knew that it wouldn't be long before there'd be brand new mountains of trash in the hallway, stacks of dishes in the sink, piles of clothes all over the house etc. etc. all over again. I was desperate for CONSISTENCY.
It hurt him a lot that his efforts were not fully appreciated by me. Even though oftentimes I would smile and thank him... there were still this underlying feeling of NOT GOOD ENOUGH and he could feel that even without my saying hurtful/discouraging words. And of course, many times I would still give him an attitude and/or tell him things like: keep it up, don't let it get so messy next time etc. etc. etc. (i.e lecture, complain, nag)
I had to go through a lot of embarrassment along the way as well....flies in the hallway because of the trash, not wanting anyone to come over to see the mess - at one point my mom and sister came knocking on my door and they could tell that we were home but I just tried to play it off and I tried to make it seem like nobody was home because I was too ashamed to answer the door. I knew they would just barge right in as soon as I turned the knob. If I knew they were coming ( I lived a little over an hour away from them) I CERTAINLY would have cleaned everything but it was a surprise visit. My mom actually got so scared that I didn't answer the door that she went to the police station in tears worried sick about me! OMG! That was a very very bad decision on my part I felt so bad about that.
Eventually, I decided that If I wanted to have a clean home I would have to do it myself. So, many times, I did everything and instead of building mountains of trash together...
We built mountains of RESENTMENT instead. </3
I didn't realize it at the time but I defiantly thought that (and I was acting like) Miss Clean Girl (me) was better than Mister Messy Boy (him), and he either needed help from my BRILLIANT-BEYOND-BRILLIANT AMAZING SELF or he just needed to figure it out and get his MESSY LAZY SELF together. (OMFG RUDE MUCH???)
It took me years to realize that I was thinking and acting this way. I had to realize that being a messy person is not a crime. Tidy people are not better than messier people. If I want to be with him and live with him, I cannot be with him thinking about "I'll be happy with him when he changes." I realized that if I could not be happy with him the way he is RIGHT NOW and if could not accept and appreciate him the way he is RIGHT NOW then we probably shouldn't be together. I always thought that if he loved me he would do something so "SIMPLE" as to clean up after himself (even if it was hard for him) and he wouldn't force me to do all the work either....I thought I was asking for something so simple and reasonable, but I didn't think so much about his perspective through all my efforts to "help" him. I was really thinking about me and what I wanted and how I felt - which is OKAY but it's not okay to ONLY think about myself or to MOSTLY think about myself or to pretty much dismiss his side of the story.
He deserves someone who will be happy with him regardless. He should not be with someone who would make him consistently feel NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Even if he wanted to be with me while I made him feel so bad about being messy/irresponsible -
I did not feel comfortable with MYSELF treating him this way even if I thought my requests were reasonable.
I wanted for us both to feel happy, loved, cherished, accepted, appreciated...I wanted us both to feel like a CATCH. I wanted us to feel MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH. I wanted for us both to feel as though anyone would be lucky to have one of us as their lover/partner/friend etc. And I wanted us both to feel that way about one another. We both said horrible things to one another, we both made huge mistakes, we both treated each other like dirt so many times.
(All of this drama might seem quite dramatic over someone being "messy" but as I'm sure many of you all can imagine, this "messiness" and my taking on more than my fair share of the work didn't only come with household chores. His work life was messy, his finances were messy, we had children at a young age as well and I felt that I did most of the work there too unless I wanted to argue and "force" him to do his part. Everything I am saying about the messy of the house applies across the board if that makes sense. The trouble between us just STARTED from the messy house and grew from there in my eyes.)
So I thought what should we do? I can only be responsible for myself and I cannot use him and his lifestyle choices as an excuse to be rude, mean, disrespectful etc. etc. etc. I can't expect him to change for me and I realized that I didn't even want him to change for me or for my happiness. I wanted for him to be happy with himself. And changes he did make, I wanted for him to change on his own time and at his own pace for himself as he saw fit. I realized that I didn't even want him to change at all. I just wanted him to be himself and give him room to GROW into the person that HE aims to be.
Aha! Finally starting to learn what love and respect actually is.
I had to realize that he was genuine when he told me his wants - "I want to be more responsible. I want to be clean. I want to be an amazing father. etc. etc. etc." <-- If this WASN'T the case, if he really didn't care about these sorts of things I couldn't be with him. If I honestly FELT like he didn't care about any of these things I had NO BUSINESS being with him. I made it seem like and I made him feel like HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT THOSE THINGS. Huge mistake on my part. I had to realize that his wants were REAL and TRUE and I had to treat him accordingly. I had to realize that his ADHD and the stress/pressure that I put him under in his life made it SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT FOR HIM to achieve his goals. I was actually harming and not helping.
I no longer wanted to be a person who made his life harder. I didn't want him to feel like a bad person or make him feel as if he and his efforts were not good enough for me. Those were never my intentions. I really thought that I was helping. I thought I was doing the right thing but I was just doing it in the wrong way. I honestly thought that if I repeated myself enough times, or found just the right words and explained it in just the right way, if I "helped him" enough, a magical change would happen (WRONG!). But even my "talking nicely to him", making "plans with him" and all my other brilliant ideas didn't work and it didn't help. Without meaning to, I made it seem as if I was the good one and he was the bad one. I made it seem as if I was the helper and he's was the unappreciative jerk who needed more help that I could give...I felt like my heart was in the right place but I was VERY WRONG. I'm not a religious person but as the saying goes:
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
DAMN! I felt like a hideous monster at this point. By basically painting him out to be a horrible monster I actually made a monster out of MYSELF. My goodness! At this point, I couldn't even understand why he stayed with me all this time. I felt that I had so MUCH more growing to do as a person than he did. I realized that he is the person who was actually teaching and INSPIRING ME to be a better person. He did this by being HIMSELF not by FORCING ME or by trying to get me to change or having "nice little talks with me". I mean, he did try to defend himself many times (in NOT NICE WAYS) and called me out on my bad behavior - but I wasn't hearing it because I justified my hurtful words and cruel behavior by blaming it on his "poor" choices and lack of action that caused me so much pain, frustration, and hardship.
I broke my own heart when I realized what I had done to him.
Then I thought well, WHAT SHOULD I DO THEN? I realize that he is his own person, he is an adult, he has a good heart, he has good intentions, he loves me, he loves his family, he has the right to make his own choices, he deserves to feel good about himself, he deserves to not feel judged by his partner, he deserves love, happiness and respect. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I wanted to feel SECURE in my life (financially and with our children), I wanted to have a clean home and to keep a certain standard of living, I wanted to be with someone who was there for me emotionally and physically, I wanted to share my life with someone and have FUN with them. I felt so much stress and pressure to do everything and to be everything to everyone that I couldn't have fun anymore...I lost myself. I wanted to be HAPPY and to feel good TOO. I am IMPORTANT TOO!!!
This is the story of the start of MY OWN personal breakthrough. The first steps were realizing MY OWN PERSONAL MISTAKES. Recognizing the love of my life as THE PERSON HE IS and not as the person that I painted him out to be just because he wasn't doing WHAT I PERSONALLY WANTED him to do or what I personally thought he SHOULD be doing. This is the beginning of me recognizing that we are BOTH good people with FLAWS who deserve LOVE, HAPPINESS, SECURITY, and RESPECT! And that's all we were both really looking for - not just me - both of us. Duh! c:
In a new post, I will write about the changes that I have made in myself that have helped to create a better relationship and better environment for my hubby and me to grow in our relationship!
I have been reading the book The ADHD effect on Marriage and it assumes one partner is not ADHD. What are the specific challenges of both partners being ADD? I can see my husband and I in both of the roles but in different areas. I am very unorganized and can't seem to be organized while he is extremely organized. I don't have a need to escape or have problems with time but he does. I have felt the sting of being seemingly ignored and wanting to be cherished and accepted. He has also felt that he isn't accepted. Clutter distracts him. Noise distracts me. I have no problem with some clutter and often have a hard time finding homes for things. Any advice for when you both have it? We have been picking at each others weaknesses for twenty years and are on the brink of divorce. I didn't see that we both struggle with the same thing just in different ways till reading this book. I didn't know I even had ADD until recently. He has only known about six years. Thank you for any advice.
Hey guys, I found an incredible article written by a man who ended up divorced, but it's SUCH an incredible article. It's written by a guy (writer) about why he believes he and his wife ended up divorced. But, it also applies to wives as well. I wish every guy/girl could read this before getting married. (ADHD or not)
I don't have the web address, but just type in the title of the article: "An Open Letter To Shitty Husbands"
It's written in 12 parts, and each one is very well written. (pardon the language of the article, it's what HE wrote)
