Apologies for the lengthy diatribe but this is 25 years worth... My husband and I have been together for a long time... 25 years (married for 11) but for almost all of that time I have felt frustrated and let down by him in so many ways. On the outside he's a nice guy... gentle, funny, easy going, never mean or argumentative with other people etc. but even when I first met him he was sort of in his own little world, obsessed with cars, a bit OCD - always cleaning certain things - wiping down kitchen cupboards or polishing the car to within an inch of its life - but oblivious to other things like clean sheets, clean bathroom, dishes in the sink, decent furniture etc etc. He was also always late and had a reputation for tardiness with his friends. He was the laughing stock and thought of as a bit of a hopeless case but we were young and he was cute and so I fell for him. He was also a talented graphic designer (loves details) and had a good job so I figured all would be well. Back then he was affectionate, even tempered (unless I pushed him out of his comfort zone or tried to get between him and his cars), kind and even generous in the beginning but he was also thoughtless, forgetful, disorganised, late, and would never call. He was dismissive of my feelings at times but very apologetic at others and constantly promised to try harder but rarely followed through. It was like he wanted to be the man I needed him to be but he didn’t know how. It caused a lot of fights when we were young, but we were young and I thought he just needed to “grow up” so I waited and nagged and sucked it up and surrounded ourselves with friends and activities and work, and life went on. Over the years, I have tried to accept his rituals, obsessions, lack of “class” or romance, forgetfulness, disconnection etc and sort of grew into becoming his pseudo mother but it has destroyed me. I slowly took on more and more responsibilities and have pretty much always been the driver in our life - prompting and organising everything from social outings to purchasing of property, furniture, equipment, holidays, marriage, children and most recently a new business, while he has been the passenger. His own mother was mentally ill and his father left when he was very young so I have always felt very sorry for him as he had a tough upbringing and I thought his self centredness and need to keep his world focussed was all due to this. Fast forward 25 years and I am BURNT OUT… We now have two children, a mortgage, two businesses ( I have my own and I help him with his as I always feel like it’s going to fall in a hole if I don’t) and I feel like I doing more than ever before. He is a good, fun dad to the kids and he works hard (although not very efficiently) but he’s completely disconnected from me – even though he doesn’t think so. Oh, he’s still affectionate (except that I don’t let him near me) and tries to crack jokes (which are not funny to me any more) and likes to get take away food and a movie at 9pm at night (after he comes home 3 hours late with no phone call), but he is mostly oblivious to my feelings and remains in his own little world where mummy here looks after everything. He is not a mean person and I honestly don’t think he does things maliciously but there have been so many incidences where he has let me down (not doing the one thing I asked him to do on our wedding day, spending the day after I gave birth looking for a new car instead of visiting me in hospital, watching the TV in hospital and eating my hospital dinner because I was so distraught about our new born’s health, poking fun at my anxiety about our daughter’s illness, secretly sending $2000 to buy a go-kart when we were struggling to stay afloat, buying a new motorbike without telling me, forgetting Mothers days, anniversaries, birthdays etc, rarely organising date night (despite repeated hints, promises, meltdowns), taking no interest in Christmas presents for the kids or his family, never organising family outings, taking no interest in kids’ education, sporting pursuits etc,, leaving renovation to me, leaving all bills, tax, cooking, social events, shopping, etc etc to me) that I feel like there is a black pit of anger and resentment that I just can’t get over it. We had another “talk” about it last week when he came home 3 hours late after telling me he'd be 20 minutes and I gave him an ultimatum (again) and then the benefit of the doubt (again) because he was upset, sorry, down trodden and confused but two days later he let me down again in a big way and that was the final straw. I suddenly realised that he will NEVER EVER change and I feel like leaving but I am trapped. So at the moment I am punishing him again by being mean and silent with him and that is just killing all of us. I thought he might have Asperger’s but perhaps it is ADHD. What should I do? Where do I begin?

My spouse seems to hae two different realities. The first is the one he lives in when everything is calm and he can genuinely see how other people are helping him, and he pitches in to help other people. He was recently diagnosed with very high cholesterol and type 2 diabetes, and he told me how happy and grateful he was for the whole family changing our diets (we dont need junk food anyway. Its good for all of us and ive already lost 9 lbs! Yay!) and for being supportive but not making a Huge Stinkin' Deal about his conditions. Hes pretty sensitive about them and while he does need certain accomodations, he doesnt want to be fussed over or pitied. I learned to cook some fantastic meals and have put a lot of effort into making this seem like great food rather than a boring old medical diet.  Friends, that felt awesome. A lot of things i do tend to go unnoticed so to be prasied without prompting felt great.

The second reality... hoo boy, its Opposite Land. This reality showed up not even half an hour after the first example. He stated that blood sugar spikes and dips can cause mood swings, and he hoped that he could be less irritable. I said that he had been irritable lately and i hopes that he could get that under control too. He instantly lashed out, told me that he probably wouldnt be irritable if i wasnt so awful to him and told me that since i do "f--- all" for him, i deserved it. Then he huffed off and went to bed.

I couldnt help but laugh. (Not out loud, not AT him but at the situation). So much for getting irritability and mood swings under control.

I dont see how he couldn't have managed without me, while im also awful and have never done anything for him. I think he needs a serious time out to cool his jets.  

How do the rest of you deal with this back and forth, hair triggered flip-flopping? One monute youre great, the next youre literally the devil himself, then youre great again.... and theres no way to tell what phase youre in. Gah. 

I've been married almost 10 years and when my husband and I were dating he made sure to inform me that he had ADD and the things he struggled with.  We researched things together and did a lot of reading.  My husband is very, very responsible, has been working the same job 26 years but struggles with OCD, dyslexia and has a lot of angry outbursts.  I was diagnosed with ADD only a few years ago (explains a lifetime of things....) I have suffered from mild depression ever since I can remember so I can easily fall into being lethargic.  I am very forgetful and mostly laid back (sometimes too much) and have a tendency to become prone to my depression unless I snap myself out of it.  My husband's OCD actually helps him with staying organized and on task but he gets very upset and angry when I don't do things the way he wants me to (thank goodness for good boundaries) or when I have difficulty understanding something that he is trying to explain.  He has a very hard time with empathy towards me (sometimes he just doesn't get it at all) but he has a huge tender heart for helping people in need or when someone is suffering.  He yells a lot and has angry out bursts, mostly minor things or when I forget something like not put something back or leave a door open, etc.....Any suggestions how to communicate/work with him better to resolve or tone down some of this stuff?  Thanks!

Hi everyone, (Sorry for any grammatical errors, English is not my native language) 

 So my girlfriend has ADHD and we've been together for around 9 months now. Altough I am happy with her, there are a few things which really bother me and I'm not sure if it's her ADHD, or the way she is. 

Something that happened today is a good example of a thing that's really annoying me:

She started to became a veganist a few weeks ago and it's all going fine, except that she didn't took meat replacements so she has a lack of a lot of vital vitamins which caused her to feel sick at the moment. So after days she found out her sickness came from the lack of vitamins, but that was it. She didn't do anything about it so again a few days later I told her she really had to take vitamin boosts. Her reply to that was that taking those will make the human body lazy so that she doesn't want to, after that I only told her she should take them because it's almost the only way for her to feel better. 

So today in the morning she said she feels so bad so I told her that it'll be just a few more days and then she'll feel fine again because then the vitamin boosts will start to work. Her reply was like "vitamin boosts?" so it seemed like she forgot about them, so I told her "Yes those pills your mom bought you, please take them they will help you and if you only take them for like 2 weeks, your body won't turn lazy" and then she randomly came with this stupid reply "seriously stop acting like a doctor and like I'm resisting I never resisted on taking those I already gave up on my opinion about them making the body lazy jesus" she's just so mad about.. nothing. I mean, sorry that I'm being worried? And the way she communicated it seemed like she didn't take them so I just wanted to be sure and tell her that they are important and that they can help, I don't think I was being pushy since it was the second time I told her about them. 

She always replies like this on... about everything so we have atleast 2-3 fights every week, well atleast we used to because I'm starting to really just ignore her when she says something like that and later on we just talk about something else and act like it never happened. I don't want to start those pointless fights anymore, I'm done with it. She could have just said something like oh I haven't told you but I am taking them so don't worry. But instead she responds so aggressive and attacks me for really.. nothing. And I'm not a secure person so it's making me feel so unsecure, it's like I always do everything wrong. 

Could this be something regarding her ADHD or is this something else? And if it's ADHD, how can I best deal with this? 

Thanks for reading!