I am the non-ADHD spouse.  My husband was diagnosed about 2 years ago.  We have been together for 13 years.  We are the classic couple where opposites attract - I'm more organized, a planner by nature, etc.  This meant it was easy to fall into the parent/child rolls and looking back I think it was that way from the time we were dating.  It seems to have gotten worse over time and I am at the point where I feel like I am being taken advantage of.  I feel like I'm the only adult, the only one who has any real responsibility.  There have been a few more serious incidents that have happened recently that have pushed our relationship into a very negative place.  Just as one example so this doesn't turn into an excessively long post - We have had bills go into collection that I was unaware even existed, even though we had the money to pay them when they were due, which has significantly damaged our credit scores.  Over the years, when things like this happen, I then decide to "take over" that particular responsibility.  It has now gotten to the point where he is only responsible for washing the dishes, feeding the dog, and going to work.  Being that he has started forgetting to feed the dog, so I have to remind him or if he has left without doing so then I have to feed the dog, and I gave up many years ago reminding him to do the dishes (but still refuse to do them myself, which I can't do when it comes to feeding the dog), I am at a total loss for what to do.  

It seems like so many of our problems keep going back to the whole parent/child dynamic.  Unfortunately I'm getting wildly different advice from therapists and doctors on how to handle problems in our relationship.  I'm also getting conflicting advice from the books and articles I have read.  So my question is, do any of you have advice for HOW you are able to deal with or break the cycle of the parent/child relationship?  Practical, real life advice is much appreciated.  

How many out there have made internal resolutions, that pertain to having a "Better Marriage relationship"? LOL, So I bet I'm not the only one:) Let me ask another question here...How many of you say to yourselves after some little mole hill turns into a full blown mountain of an issue; Why didn't I keep my mouth shut; I know the mind I'm dealing with can not calmly reason, can not keep from interrupting! Why! do keep on hoping! LOL...LOL...Am I the only one?

OK...So here is my simple personal resolution: It's a scripture...James 1: 19....Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger...I am going to pray for God's wisdom and his personal help to be better at not engaging; I want it to become my new nature...My wife's chaotic living of life dictates that I be super wise, super patient, and be able to not give a reply to every blurt out (trap) that there is not an answer for... LOL....Needless to say I'm not there yet, and probably will never be...but, all things are possible w/ God who loves us:)

You know; most every post I read and write has a common theme....It seems we all want something from someone who isn't able to give it.....I hope that in 2016 I continue on this upward swing (thank you Jesus) of self-awareness of my living of life and the impact it has on others, and a heart of acceptance of the reality of how my wife's mind works and how it effects her living of life....

If I can do this faithfully day by day as the lord provides, then no matter the results, or circumstances that might spin off it, I will feel like I've been able to do what I'm called to do as a husband....

Happy New Year!

C

It has been a wonderful 31 years of marriage, which is why this is made so hard.  Three days before Christmas my wife of 31 years decided to leave me and our 4 dogs after saying we argued all the time.   This was only true that on every weekend, she was able to get in one good day and the second day she descended into a total disconnect.  At times I felt like I was raising a one of my kids again.  Who ever heard of temper tantrums at 65 years old, but I was really shocked to see one.  I have tried to tell her how much I love her and how can we find a way to get past what I perceived as another one of the bumps in the road.  She either felt the "all or nothing" ADD loves to provide the spouse, but total nothing is what we have had.  Yesterday I got a text saying not Happy New Year, thinking of you, but that she paid the house taxes out of my account and wanted me to know.

Nothing more.  I did some research and discovered marriages over 25-30 breaking up is not that uncommon.   I really was feeling like I was shot in the gut these entire Holiday Season, but I am now wondering how long she had been planning this only to dump it on me at the Holidays when I had already put up half of the decorations and she knew I was getting a tree and going to decorate it the night she left.

Who does things like this?   I have seen over and over on forums and blogs that a lot of people that reach the 50-60 plus years with long marriages might find they had a partner all along that was not willing to be there in your golden years when one is breaking down and cannot do everything I did, such as cooking, cleaning, running a small business at home, taking care of our dogs, and literally everything for years while she had a very active cell phone and Facebook life I was not aware about until I was fixing her phone and a guy "poked" me 22 times that I did not know nor ever heard  She claimed it was nothing and he lived on the west coast, so the only thing they had in common was growing up in the same town.

It seems I have spent HOURS and DAYS trying to understand her behavioral changes with her ADD books and constantly asking her to get treatment for her condition.  I begged to live in a "positive environment" because the could of negativity she brought into the house only to find when I asked was palatable and the dogs were getting depressed.  Then when we would starting talking, she would escalate the conversation into an argument where I felt I was defending myself for wanting to be cared for the way she is cared for.  She literally needed nothing, but that was not enough.  She took her 5 year old top of the line car I got her and all the jewelry I bought her for all those years and up and left.

Now her reason for leaving is becoming more about her control of the situation than my own.  She will not return texts and even though I thought she was "hopefully" in therapy, she texted me that she was at work and paid the house taxes from her office.  She recently admitted to making her office and those at her office her other home.  I told her if I could get a tenth of the happy spirit she gives those where she works my life would improve knowing she cared at all.

Now I just finished a round of Doctors appointments potentially dealing with throat cancer but cannot get any diagnosis for losing my voice.  I have seen every Doctor to scope me stem to stern and nothing so far.  They have all been specialist but my voice has been disappearing for 18 months.  With this on my plate, she decides the best time to leave because of arguing was at Christmas and New Years.  Caring seems to be gone, so I am now not sure what lies ahead.  I know I have been kicked in the gut by the only person I have let in, my (absent) wife, which I am now preparing for the worst.

Lord knows I have done my best to insure we got the help needed, but when they make up their mind to leave, from what I have read it is often a surprise to the loving spouse and a total kick in the gut.  Of course this happens to woman more than men, but today with many men becoming husbands who work from home, I really believe our society is seeing a role reversal.  My dear loving wife has become what we knew when we were young, that was an "absent husband" which is now an "absent wife." : Social media has not helped, so I hope my experience of doing everything to be loved back just does not work.  She acted like she was a Queen and I was the servant.  Granted I did not mind making her breakfast every morning before she went to work even if I did not eat myself.  What a huge mistake I made with my life !!!  Twelve years of college, 5 degrees and no wife to love me.  That is simply tragic.

Best to everyone else this New Year!   I am starting to learn to be alone. Her actions speak volumes, especially when a cousin said to me that she must be missing our dogs, but that is far from the reality.
JM
 

Hi all, I'm new to this group but after reading so many of the forums I feel so much better already. I finally feel like I'm not alone! 

That being said, my husband has not been formally diagnosed with ADHD however he displays ALL the symptoms. He gets super hyper-focused on something he working on (i.e. training for a marathon, exercising, etc) and everything else fades away to a blur in the background. He remembers my birthday (most times) but he's forgotten our son's numerous times (he's 7 months, we're planning for his 1st birthday and he can't remember the date). He gets distracted easily (he flips through tv channels at warp speed!), he forgets everything we've ever talked about, he can't hold down a job for longer than 6-10 months at a time, he's aggressive towards the baby, passive aggressive towards me, and depressed, and it's messing with our marriage and our family. 

When we were dating, the thing I fell in love with the most was the fact that he was so wonderfully different. He has this macabre and morbid sense of humor which, at the time, I found new and fascinating. He was always interested in doing new things, and his energy was electric. Now that we have a new baby, however, his morbid sense of humor is not nearly as funny as it used to be. My patience level has dropped significantly because I'm spending all the time and effort and patience on the new baby and not on him. His lack of concern for safety with the baby has caused huge rifts in our marriage. We talked about safety with the baby countless times, things like clipping him into the car seat correctly (because often times he only clips him around his stomach), or being gentle and not shaking him around ("we're just playing!" he says, "he likes it!"), or being aware that the baby doesn't have any teeth yet so he can't chew on large pieces of fruits and veggies, however all of our conversations are for naught. The baby fell over when he wasn't holding him correctly and started crying. I ran over to see what it happened and his response was "oh he's fine, he's a warrior. Warriors need to learn how to get hurt and get back up." He's only barely 7 months!!

He gave him a piece of cucumber to chew on while he was teething, and the baby bit off a piece of it and almost choked on it. We talked about it and said no more until he has teeth and we'll have to find a better way to give him what he wants. Yesterday he gave him cucumber again and he nearly choked on a piece again. I don't know what to do because I love him and I want to spend my life with him, but I'm getting very worried for the safety of my child.

We started couples therapy, but he's already thinking of ways to get out of it. I really just don't know what to do.