After several day's of quiet reflection and thought concerning our struggles. I've come to the conclusion my wife is unapproachable...It hasn't stopped me from trying for 7+ years...But the fruit of my attempts hasn't changed much of anything for the better anyway.... I know we learn to navigate some of the behaviors and some of our differences without to much damage to the relationship by trail and error eventually...But, a person who lives in a mind that has these faces most all the time: Competitive, Denial, Combative, Controlling, Forgetful, Self-Absorbed, who is a hoarder and who swings from extreme Independence to super co-dependence....Is unapproachable....

Now when you place her in a relationship with a Husband who is a Type A engaging talker, that loves intimacy and thinks there is nothing that can't be conquered with love and hard work...(Sadly my own denial) You have a recipe for disaster! The moral of this equation is: Believe what you see, learn to be quiet, and never put words in a person's mouth. If they can't say it and show it, it's probably not there....

Bad is Good if you accept it and find peace with it.....

C

Been with my wife for 5.5 years. Married almost 2. 

Last few years have been pretty bad. 

Shes just so detached. She feels like she's unhappy and made the wrong choice marrying me. That I can never be what she needs. I've really tried to step it up and try hard every single day to be better and try to listen and respond in a way she needs me to. and I've been really trying to change my behaviors and started up meds again. I'm seeing a therapist and psychologist and started Concerta in Nov. that was a rough 1st month on meds trying to find the right dose. 

It really ramped up my anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Which super annoys her. She thinks I'm smothering her and obsessed with her every move. I try to text her throughout the day to start conversation and she's super short and doesn't wanna talk. 

When we fight she's super good at expressing her anger. Not me. I shut down. I to "flood" and it's over for me. I can't speak without sounding like complete idiot. I can't find words once I've upset her. She says to say what I want. Not what I think -I think she wants to hear. She wants me to be authentic. But it's so hard because I do over think every interaction because I want to make our relationship better and I'm scared. And I'm walking on egg shells. She knows we have this parent / chil relationship and its toxic. I read the couples guide and loved it. Felt not alone for the first time ever. Also listened to the author speak for an hour on YouTube and it had me in tears at the end because I didn't feel so alone. 

My my wife doesn't wanna listen to that or read the book with me. She says I'm the one that has to change and she wants nothing to do with it. Also said I'm putting on my eggs in this basket with this book and she doesn't think it's gonna make a difference. 

Can an I do this one sided? Is it possible for me to repair this on my own?!

i feel like I found some hope and it was so quickly squashed. 

She said it's not ADHD issues only its personality issues. And she doesn't get it. 

Any advice ?

she says I speak in "I wants " which makes her feel like it's off in the distance and it doesn't change right now. 

I know this subject has been posted on, some time back, but I'd like to post a little more about it. An article came across my computer about passive-aggressive men, and even though my husband has severe ADHD, he is ALSO extremely passive aggressive. I read for at least 2 hours on everything I could find on passive-aggressiveness, and he does almost everything someone does when they have PA behavior. There's been so many things, I've been trying to figure out.........is he narcissistic.........is he bi-polar.......anything to explain his "absence" in our relationship. (which is now in divorce proceedings)

    But, now after reading about passive-aggressive behavior, I have to say he is mostly a passive-aggressive man (with ADHD) who stays in denial about himself, won't look at any of his behavior, blames me and anyone/everything else for all his troubles and there's nothing I can do to change him, or even get him to try,  I've given up, because it's done SO MUCH DAMAGE to my own self worth. You can't love someone who "punishes" you by withdrawing from the relationship and then blames YOU because "they" hurt and don't feel loved. This behavior KILLS relationships, and causes severe damage to all involved, and also is covert abuse. I do hope he learns someday about HIMSELF, and DARES ask himself the hard questions that need to be asked, Passive aggressive behavior is learned in childhood, and when I thought about my husband's childhood, it was the perfect "set up" for his learned behavior. He never got past it, and kept it going, so that he wouldn't get "attached" to anyone, or let them KNOW he "needed" them. But, at the same time, he's never wanted me to go anywhere, even though he's denied me attention and love. It's really sick behavior.

    I've had to look hard at myself and question all my actions, decisions, etc. and it's been very hard. I don't feel very good about myself currently, and I have more questions to ask myself. I'm also reading about the type of woman who chooses the passive aggressive man, and why. It is very revealing and truthful in my situation. I need to re-learn how to do many things. Also be more assertive in " just saying NO, when it comes to poor behaviors toward me".

Has anyone else here had a therapist talk to them about passive aggressive behavior and ADHD? or is there co-morbid things like that in your relationships? just wondering.

For five years I've been married to an add (hyperfocus), and NVLD man. It's the same old story as many of you have posted. I do everything, decide everything, become everything. He is a loving person underneath all of the disorders. I know he loves me and our daughter. But when is love not enough? When do the disorders become the way we are living life, and not the love? Someone on this site referred to my job as his wife correctly as the "ceo" of our family. He's always been good about holding a job-even though he's been through many, he's always worked. He has hyperfocus, so that has aided him in being good at his job. His organization and odd social behavior limit him (although he doesn't see that).  He lacks the ability to understand long term effects of his behaviors and life style, especially in regard to raising a child. He has given a good try to help around the house but jobs are left half done, and when I even make the slightest comment about "finishing" the task he launches into how he financially supports us and can't concentrate on doing anything else.  Doing a load of laundry or dishes a couple times a week makes him feel like he's doing "everything" around the house, but he doesn't realize I have to fix half of the things he tries to clean. He has zero common sense which can be as debilitating as understanding the direction "take 3 rights" and you'll be at your destination. He thinks the only problem we have is that I don't want to have sex with him. He says that the "one thing" he wants me to do for him, I don't. He literally can't see how his disorders have taken every shred of passion out of me. And when we do have sex, I just feel like a vehicle for him...not like two people making love-just a way for him to get pleasure for himself. Every time we bicker or argue, he threatens to cheat on me. He says he thinks about it all the time. He never tries to understand WHY I feel no passion. He says he tries to get me "in the mood", which apparently (he told the therapist) involves rubbing my arm or back. Like for the 3 seconds that happens that is supposed to me my clue. There is never a romantic gesture, or if he does the dishes apparently that is supposed to clue me in that he is helping and that equals getting laid. 

We have been through 3 therapists, plus I am seeing my own therapist. My personal therapist tries to suggest ways to talk, accept, and help ourselves but they never stick. Each one we've saw together has recommended I "accept" his disorders and put a smile on my face. I feel like I'm painted as the "evil non understanding angry wife". He tells them if nothing is done perfectly the way I want it, I complain and criticize him. I'm told that I can't make anyone perfect. I've never been about making him perfect...I just want a partner, a team member, someone I can lean on if I need something. If I'm sick-too bad- get up and take care of your child, because he keeps her a live, but that's about it. When I had my daughter by c-section, I got tormented. When I wanted to take my daughter to Disney, he decided he didn't want to go because he doesn't like lines. They do not understand my daily frustration just to live in a normal life, and my anger sometimes. I fear my daughter understanding that Dad is a disappointment. Something as simple playing with her becomes another annoyance to him, and takes his attention away from his phone or ipad. God forbid. I am okay, and okay, and okay, and I keep my cool through all the ridiculous situations ( like he obsessively locks our bedroom door, and I can't get in when he forgets it's locked and closes it and I can't get dressed for work and then become late), but after the 3,401 time that that same ridiculous situation happens-I LOSE MY SH*T, and get incredibly angry. I know when I do this it's not okay-it's not right, but I am literally at my wits end at that point. I think I scare him when I finally flip out. I NEVER do this in front of my child. 

I'm literally exhausted, as are many of you (or all of you) are. Mentally and emotionally I don't have a shred of non-stressed thoughts. Physically I can't get myself motivated to get out of my stress eating disorder or go to the gym because I'M EXHAUSTED. I'm resentful on top of it. It's manifested itself into intense anxiety sometimes. I worry crazily about my daughter and what would happen if I died or couldn't take care of her anymore. As it is, he's never been successfully able to install a car seat, or even strap her in the correct way. The couples therapist says that "that is a matter of preference on my part and not safety." In another words, it's okay and not dangerous. I'm just being picky. I've been dealing with my husbands inability to process cause and effect for too many years. Like many have commented, I feel like I'm alone and running the show. I have a four year old daughter that I've basically single handedly raised myself. The first night she was home and crying during the night he asked, "Is this going to happen every night?" I was told to sleep in the living room because he couldn't be tired at work. He got mad and frustrated when he had to not prepare but only heat up dinner during that time, when I was recuperating from a c-section. He called me a slave driver when I "made" him go shopping for groceries because I wasn't allowed to drive. He told me to go to hell when I asked him to vacuum because the physician told me not too for the first 2 weeks. Obviously, I hold a lot of resentment because of that time of our lives. The thing that kills me is I had to make the incredibly difficult decision to not have any more children-which kills me that I can't give my child a sibling-because I KNOW it will be me 110% taking care of another child, working full time, cleaning, cooking, and all the ETC that life has for us. Being as stressed as I am, and trying desperately to hang onto a semblance of my families future, I just don't think another child would make things better. In fact, I fear the result of what we would become. I fear that I'd finally decide that we couldn't be married any longer, and be moved out of our home, with a low paying full time teaching job, trying to support children by myself. I come from a divorced family, and I know how it feels to have your home broken. I'm desperately trying to make sure that doesn't happen-but how much longer can I last in this situation. 

Thank you for reading. I'm glad there are people out there that understand.