Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Consistant inconsistancy by: I'm So Exhausted 8 years 11 months ago

    Feelings.  Emotions.  Holidays.  Family.  Consistency, or rather my own expectations and hopes of consistency. 

    One sure thing I have realized, in my day to day living, there is consistent inconsistency.   

    I am trying to sort out stuff this morning - emotions?  Feelings? Does it really matter which is which?  What happened to spark such internal discord in the pit of my stomach this morning. . . . . . . .

    The holidays are upon us.  I am doing all I believe I can to respect my spouse in what he wants to participate in and what he does not want to participate in for holiday events.  I am trying to make the best of the holiday season. . . .yet I am missing something.  I made the usual holiday calendar.  I share upcoming events with my spouse, then write them on the calendar.  I have shared with him that I understand his difficulty in attending family stuff, and asked to let me know if there is anything he wants to attend.  Otherwise, I will just believe he chooses NOT to participate.  

    That is sorta backfiring on me.  I really do not like the not knowing.  Sounded good in theory.  It leaves me feeling life a doormat.  Walk all over me if you want. . . . . . . .

    I AM TRYING.  To have joy and fun wth my friends and family.  And not pretend, and not be fake.  And just let stuff be.

    I guess an emotional word picture of my difficulty would be:  Picture someone trying to sit and enjoy the peace and quiet while ignoring the 15 loud lawn mowers and tractors and race cars and motorcycles going around and around and around the house. . . . . . . . .  

    It ain't woking.

    I am unable to imagine away the tension.  I am unable to pretend away the tension.  I am unable to focus on Liz and her own stuff. I remember and believe and have experiened many communication traps into which I do NOT want to step.  The real trick is getting my mind in the place where I clearly see and believe in my own heart that the choices I am making are what's best for me.  Not in a selfish way.  Not in an "I'll show you.  I am gonna be HAPPY in spite of what is going on around me."  Nor can I be oblivious to what is really going on in my home.  

    I certainly do not want to crack unter the stress and strain.  I certainly do not want to enable poor behavior.  I certainly do not want to feel disrespected nor disreguarded.  

    I need some definite directions to practice what I preach.  It is the holidays, can't we just put aside our differences for a few weeks - - or days - - - or even hours.?  

    Is it name it an claim it?  Like saying out loud  "The tension is so thick around here I can cut it with a knife."  

    I feel disrepected by the silence.  I feel disrepected when I wake up, and am home alone.  

    It is really difficut to know what my actions should be?  Really.  Ignore it?  Scream at the top of my lungs?  

    Well, I think I will go scream our my frustrations for a while. The goal in that - release the tension.

    Thinking that may be the answer for now,

    Liz

  • Failure Is A Good Thing by: kellyj 8 years 11 months ago

    Just a quick post about failure.  I just read this under marriage tips in this forum ...

    “Epic failure is part of being human, and it’s definitely part of being married. It’s part of what being alive means, occasionally screwing up in expensive ways. And that’s part of what marriage means, sometimes hating this other person but staying together because you promised you would. And then, days or weeks later, waking up and loving him again, loving him still.”
    -Ada Calhoun, NY Times

    For some unkown reason....while sitting in a reception room killing time before my turn to see my doctor many years ago....I was reading an article on George Harrison (Beattles) shorty after he died.  I can't tell you much about the article or can even remember what magazine it was in...

    What I do remeber quite well was something he said.  I have to paraphrase him here since I can't find this article even after searhing for it again.  The jist of what he said in a passing comment within the interview was this....Since he became so famous and quite wealthy at the early age of 19 years old...and even after his life previously had been full of struggles and normal everyday triumphs and failures....his biggest regret in life as he reflected on it shortly before he passed away in this interview was.....not having to struggle.....things came to him too easily and once that happened, he felt cheated in life by his success, fame and more money than he knew what to do with.

    I thought about the money apect and this part didn't seem that diffiult to understand...but as he said it....it wasn't just the money.  It was not having to work for things, strive for them, fail and struggle more to get things in life and feel that feeling you get when you've worked hard for something and then you finally get it after struggling long and hard to get there.

    I realized when I read the quote about failure here....and thinking about George Harrisons comment again.....I realized what George Harrison was saying.  I have the very thing that he regretted most about his life  looking back.  How very fortunate I am to know this feeling and know where it came from which is exatly the same thing the articel was trying to say:)

     

    J

  • Neurofeedback by: Hopeful Heart 8 years 11 months ago

    I realize that this is the wrong forum for this topic. I wanted to put it here so more of you would see it. If the moderator needs to delete it or move it, I understand.

    i just want to encourage all of you not to give up hope. Please consider seeking out a counselor that utilizes neurofeedback in his/her practice. My son (ADHD/ODD) and husband (ADHD)have been receiving neurofeedback treatments off and on since June. I can honestly say that the dynamics of our family have dramatically improved!!

    My son's ADHD was so severe that he was unable to exist in a traditional classroom. I have had to homeschool him for the last five years. However, this year he is a freshman in public school and on the "A" honor roll. This truly seems like a miracle. My son's ODD caused him to act so horribly towards me, my husband, and my daughter that we couldn't even plan activities as a family. We had keep everyone separated almost all the time. Now he is very pleasant towards all of us and I've been able to plan a family trip during the holidays. 

    My husband's results have not been as drastic. However, he is much more "present" with me. He is much less distant. 

    Our quality of life has truly improved because of these treatments. 

  • Where do you begin? by: Cx5 8 years 11 months ago

    I have been married for almost 27 years, and my husband has just been officially diagnosed with ADHD.  Though I have been in and out of counseling, both with and without my husband, to try and find some answers and personal peace, I never thought to consider ADHD as something that was affecting my marriage.  My husband has started counseling to help him understand and manage his symptoms.  His focus is primarily on himself and has little to do with our marriage.  Out of curiosity, I started googling articles on ADHD and marriage, and I was shocked to find out that my husband and I have a "textbook" ADHD marriage.  The problems I have struggled with that have caused me so much personal pain were being spelled out clearly as common situations in each article I read.  So many years of dysfunction and struggle, pain and anger, sadness and frustration. So much disappointment and unnecessary misunderstanding.  What does one do now, with this knowledge, when you have lived more than half your life in such an unsatisfactory way?  I am overwhelmed with the sadness I feel, but at the same time some of my constant anger/simmering internal rage, seem to be slipping away with this new understanding.  I do not know what the future holds, but I hope things will get better.  I am almost too afraid to hope for too much because nothing has ever really changed.  -

     

     

     

  • Pygmalion / Golem Effect and Resulting ADHD (Ambivilence) (edited) by: kellyj 8 years 11 months ago

     

    The Pygmalion effect, or Rosenthal effect, is the phenomenon whereby higher expectations lead to an increase in performance.   A corollary of the Pygmalion effect is the golem effect, in which low expectations lead to a decrease in performance;

      [1] both effects are forms of self-fulfilling prophecy.   By the Pygmalion effect, people internalize their positive labels, and those with positive labels succeed accordingly. The idea behind the Pygmalion effect is that increasing the leader's expectation of the follower's performance will result in better follower performance. Within sociology, the effect is often cited with regard to education and social class.

    The golem effect is a psychological phenomenon in which lower expectations placed upon individuals either by supervisors or the individual themselves lead to poorer performance by the individual. This effect is mostly seen and studied in educational and organizational environments. It is a form of self-fulfilling prophecy.

    I want to step out of my usual information dump for a moment and present these two phenonmenons to anyone who is with a spouse who has ADHD and actually point a finger at you here.  I want to challenge you to see something that is the sourse of your problems you are having with your ADHD spouse by saying....."if you are not part of the solution.....then your only being part of the problem."

      I am so sure of this at this point...I'm going to accuse you of being your own worse enenmy with your ADHD spouse by applying this to you.  I have tried to describe this invisible adversary for most of my life (the resulting Amibvilence of the effect it has on you) by using a million words to do so.  When I stumble across and article I was reading about something completely unrelated to ADHD or even myself but was about these two phenomenons it was like putting a name and face to something that I have know for my entire life.  This is the enemy that I have been fighting against.  This is the adversary and the unspoken invisible force that I have spent an entire life time in learning how to overcome and defeat within myself.

    I am so sure of this (the Ambivilence that is) without hesitation or to even questioning it now......I'm going to leave this right here.

    Only to say.....I know this one like the back of my hand.  That's how sure I am and need no one to ask or confirm how strongly I feel that I am correct in saying it without having to prove it to anyone.  If you are with someone with ADHD and trying to get them to improve their performance in all areas of concern but especially with house chores and responsibilies across the board that they appear to struggle with......this is really what (not who) you are dealing with on your side of the equation and how you are contributing to the probelm itself. 

    Read it an weap as they say.  My point is to get your attention here and pause to consider this for your own sake as well as for the sake of your partner because if you decide to discount this effect as not applying or you don't understand it ( your part of it,  how you can change it and the power you have within this to do something about it and why?) ....

    You will be missing a huge opporunity to make a positive impact on your relationship as whole.  I truly believe that you need to rethink how you approach your spouse and loved ones who have ADHD to understand them better. I think can also help to explain why they behave the way they do in countless ways due to this very thing.  It cover's a lot of ground is what I'm trying to say and the pay off will be huge if you learn how to exploite this in a postive and loving way.   It exist within your spouse or ADHD partner whether you (or they) realize it or not.  I am so sure of this....I challange anyone to simply apply this to yourself from the leadership position within this effect and see if it doesn't hold true for you.  You have nothing to lose here but to just give it a try and see what happens as your observe the results.  I can almost guarentee you will see positive results from this if you can use this to your advantage.

    The adversary is the feelings of "Ambilivlence" that is causing the problems which is the original source of these two effects in relationship to a person who has ADHD....the solution or remedy is also  within these two effect with the caveat being....it is up to the person who has it to change their realtionship with it.  This will only be the means in helping them do this by augmenting the process.  This may be the reason to blame initially....but not the actual reason for it perpetuating itself.  It is the cycle of negativity that this causes that will either be relieved or exsasurbated by it depending on what you do ether way.  The goal for you is to help break this cycle first before you can move on to finding more remedies and solutions.   You can really help or you can make the process even more difficult for this person by choosing either one yourself is all that I am saying.  I think this would apply especially if you are dealing with someone who is struggling to get past any denial they are having and are not a place where they can do this for themselves.

    If you are intersted in learning more.....just google it.....there's mountains of research and case studies to explain it better to you better than I ever could.  While you're at it....look up the word "Ambililence" to help you better understand that this is the pathway to getting to the source of the problem.......the feeling itself.

     

    edited post script:   This was somewhat incomplete with adding in the part or feelings of Amibilence.  I think it will help to make better sense of this when you see the relationship that these two concepts have with one another:)

  • Feeding the Mind by: jennalemone 8 years 11 months ago

    One evening, an elderly Cherokee brave told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between ‘Two Wolves’ inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, envy jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which Wolf Wins?” The Old Cherokee simply replied, “THE ONE YOU FEED”.

    I am struggling today with feelings inside that I don't want... irritation and resentment. I have been trying to put words to my discomfort. I remember a time in my youth when I could honestly say that I did not ever experience the feeling of hate. Now it burns silently inside of me. I feel so invisible and taken for granted, scared, betrayed, repulsed and unloved.

    I am struggling.  Anyone got any thoughts? How do I rise above this?

  • paranoia and unreasonable arguments by: zobbie 8 years 11 months ago
    Hi My husband is causing arguments in order to record them without my knowledge and definetly without my permission We split up for 4 months and it would seem from what I'm piecing together he didn't have enough conclusive evidence to take the children (both autistic, whom do not like being with him on their own because of his lack of patience etc.... So he has since his return to the home been instigating arguments and dropping weird and wonderful in factual and some times downright lies in the midst...now on occasion I have responded (I'm the one who reacts to the heat of the moment person who at the etime fully means everything they say...However I am scared that if he plays his scripted arguments we will loose are girls...due to his paranoid behaviour... At present focusing on xmas but if anyone had any ideas as it always seems it's me having to give in and be the adult....don't treat him like a child... Advice please. .. I have PTSD and 2 autistic girlie's and a husband who had a bang on the head and since then as months have turned into almost 2 years now has fill blown adhd....lost my soul mate and have a stobborn childish argumentative person who looks a lot like him but certainly where all resemblances end..... UK so diagnosis but no help.for us the victims sorry family!! Presently not responding to his plan but so terribly hard not to... But this is like holding everybody's happiness in my hands and it's getting too much responsibility and I feel.so old....don't even have any fun as scared that he will do something that will spoil it like he used to...family don't seem to notice and neither do his friends but His self medication has certainly gone up ......Any advice?
  • Is the medication going to work? by: Jeana 8 years 11 months ago

    I'm almost afraid to ask. This is my first time posting, I've lurked here and there, DH was diagnosed ADHD a couple of months ago, we go back to the Dr. next week to discuss treatment. I will be insisting on medication, and filling it 2 seconds after the appointment. If I don't see some change in him, I'm done, I can't do this anymore. Counseling won't work for him, he'll just tell the councilor to go F him/herself. So, my hopes are all on the medications. What are your experiences with them? Good and bad.

     

    Thanks, Jeana

  • false sense of security--makes me nervous by: dvance 8 years 11 months ago

    Has anyone else had this experience with their ADHD spouse?  Things are going well right now...for a while now.  But I just cannot relax into it.  I am only about 85% invested because the other shoe is sure to drop at some point so I have to save a little bit of myself so I won't be totally leveled when the bottom drops out again.  Right now DH is helping around the house a ton, being a great dad, keeping in touch with me when he travels, really all around good man.  But...in the past, as recently as a year ago, there have been three other women, a secret bank account, a car purchased without my knowledge, a credit card given to a friend...I could go on.  So even as I lay in bed with his arm over me I am telling myself do NOT get comfortable--he could be doing something irresponsible right now, you just haven't found out yet.  Or, yes, this feels nice and calm now, but he could have three other email accounts that you don't know about, so don't settle in too much.  Is this that bad?  I feel like I am protecting myself from the next disaster or lie.  And there is sure to be one, there may be one going on already, I just don't know it.

    thoughts?

    dana

  • His Tantrums are killing me... by: honeyblonde 8 years 11 months ago

    "His tantrums are killing me!"   This may seem dramatic but I suspect this group may understand.   Im a newlywed of nearly 3 months.  I knew something was off during our 2 years of dating. I racked my brain, I read, I researched... I called in his mother to help with some of the situations ( big mistake, but I still hold on to the fact that I had no other option at the time).  The issues weren't completely clear.  He was over his head with a failing business, a business that his family, including his brother ran together.  His brother, unfortunately and suddenly, passed soon after opening the business.  So obviously there was some con fusion about his actions.  I thought grief, stress, anxiety etc. u till a month after our wedding (which was a total shit show) I finally found it...   "My ADHD husband is driving me crazy".  I read and read and read and the stories were so familiar.  It really hit the nail on the head.  

     

    So so here we are, newly wed.   Absolutely no intimacy, maybe once since the wedding and once in probably 3-4 months before the wedding.  (Yes!  Red Flags) I find it so hard to explain, but the tantrums and the "opposite" or " difficult, stubborn, backwards behavior are exhausting.  I feel like I'm on his runaway train and the flames are getting bigger the faster we go.  I am supposed to just be silent, and not mention that he is ruining us financially.  I'm just supposed to be along for the ride silently, never speaking up about the danger ahead and God forbid I speak up about how these things are affecting me.

     

    Well I came here to discuss tantrums... I just can't take it.  I recently made him leave the house.  He's so out of control, insulting me, terrorizing me, screaming at me, slamming doors, harassing me, following me around combining stories and really just not making any sense.  I used to leave, but honestly I got pretty sick and tired of getting up out of bed and leaving my own home on cold, snowy nights.  F that!  Before that I just tried to go out the front door, he followed,  or to the bedroom, he followed.  I feel that it's honestly abusive.  He scoffs at the accusation and big surprise, so does his mother. She suggested th

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