Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Bipolar 2 & ADHD comorbidity effects on Marriage by: chargene 8 years 11 months ago

    When the husband has Bipolar 2 & ADHD that has been untreated until recently, this can cause an unimaginable amount of stress, etc over many years for the wife in a long-term marriage. He also has Oppositional Defiance Disorder.  What type of healing can the wife seek? How can the wife prepare for outbursts due to husbands mood swings? How must the wife take care of her health?  Individual & couples therapists and psychiatrists have not been very helpful in the past because they never diagnosed properly. In fact, they have done damage. How can the couple move forward and make life peaceful and loving? Thank you in advance for sharing.

    Also what effect might this have had on children who lived through this & how can the parents help the children now that they are adults?    

    Please give info about Bipolar 2 only, not Bipolar 1. I can't find much info about Bipolar 2 with ADHD or Bipolar 2 alone.

  • NVC is helping us by: MrsB 8 years 11 months ago

    My ADHD partner and I both are reading Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and it is helping our understanding of each other so much. His ADHD means he is extremely sensitive to criticism. My anger means that I need to be heard around the issues that have plagued our relationship. We are both trying to set aside our egos and working on how we communicate and LISTEN to each other. A year ago, I would have blown off the idea that we need to just work on communication. But NVC finally feels like a communication tool that will actually get us to dealing with the actual issues. I highly recommend it for anyone, especially when ADHD is in the room.

  • Just Need Some Support Right Now by: JayEllEss 8 years 11 months ago
    This thread has been closed
  • Bills! Bills! Bills! by: HyperBallad 8 years 11 months ago

     

     

     

     

  • "Devastated by Disapproval" by: I'm So Exhausted 8 years 11 months ago

    I read an article this morning in ADDitude that had the physical effect of a sock right in my stomach - it rang so true to my life's experience in my marriage - it made my stomach quite squeezey.

    Here is a link - (Admin, if not allowed, I understand if you disable or delete it) 

    https://www.additudemag.com/fear-of-failure-adhd-emotions/  

    The odd part of discovering these sorts of things is, "What the same-hill do I do with this information?"  It surely explains the science of how things happen.  And I can truly validate the truth of this passage from the article:  

    "The person with ADHD becomes a people pleaser, always making sure that friends, acquaintances, and family approve of him. After years of constant vigilance, the ADHD person becomes a chameleon who has lost track of what she wants for her own life. Others find that the pain of failure is so bad that they refuse to try anything unless they are assured of a quick, easy, and complete success. Taking a chance is too big an emotional risk. Their lives remain stunted and limited."

    This forum is specifically directed at the aspect of dealing with ADHD in the context of a marriage.    So, here is Liz, on the outside looking in on the dynamics of her relationship, viewing in hindsight how her marriage has developed and changed and evolved.  

    "Stunted and limited" seem too harsh of words.  I can, however, surely see what I believe has occured in my marriage - my spouse has surely expended a tremendous amount of time as a people pleaser, and it got way, way out of balance.  It is a wonderful character strength to be a 'giver.'  A normal pattern, I believe, is a person gets to a point where they realize when they are giving too much, and learn to take the corrective steps to "give from their extra and not from their want."  Meaning they learn to take good care of themselves, they learn to politely say "no" and then if they have extra time, they can gift it to others.  When that pattern gets out of balance, and they give because they 'want' and gotta have others' approval, then it has developed into a problem.

    It is truly heartwrenching for me to see my spouse in emotional pain.  He is.  I can love him.  I can encourage him.  I can have empathy for how sad he gets, yet all I can do is go on with my life.  Feels kinda cruel.  I really cannot do anything else, our marrige cannot evolve or be re-negotiated.  I woke up in a really odd and uncomfortable place.  I have been running/hiding/ducking/dodging  at full speed everytime I hear my own heart and brain express, "I really no longer care what happens to my marriage."  That is not the person I want to be.  And, yet there I am.   

    And here is the reality - I am as pissed as hell that I am not being fought for.

    Pissed.

    Really and truly pissed. About that anyway.

    What I am doing this holiday season is what I am capable of doing - surrounding myself with those whom I love.  Enjoying the time of the Season of Christmas. It is no longer about 'will my spouse ever wake up and smell the roses', it is about Liz chose to wake up and the smell the roses. Or Balsam Pine Boughs!!!!!!

    P.S.  I know a lot about co-dependancy and being a people pleaser.  My own struggle started at a very young age, developed into an eating disorder, and took 15 years to get through.  Recovery, if you choose to call it by that name, began for me at age 35.  I am now 56. So, in that aspect, I know I can only work on my side of things.  I cannot cry/beg/plead/holler/cajol/manipulate anyone into wanting something.  They gotta want it so bad, they will do anything to get it.  I did, so I know!!!!!!   

    Very Truly,

    Liz

  • Second-Guessing & Angry Replies by: JohnWilson 8 years 11 months ago

    Hello to all again - splitting off a sub-topic from my first attempt at posting here (which seems to have a ton of new replies since I last checked)...

    I find myself stuck in a very deep rut for the last 2-3 years when it comes to saying things to my partner when she's upset, or to keep her from getting upset in the first place. "Second-guessing" was listed as a hurtful pattern in an ADHD marriage, but in my case it goes the other way. Her anger and her instantaneous blow-ups have things stuck in neutral.

    If there's one loooong and comprehensive list I could spit out on demand, it's all the hurtful jabs or retorts my (non-ADHD) spouse has thrown my way over the years. Not that I didn't deserve them, and not that she wasn't trying to make herself feel a bit better, but I have unfortunately cataloged all of them to the point where I'm tied up in knots when it comes to saying anything at all.

    Some of the things I've read in books which seem laughable now: using humor to defuse tension, asking for credit on a different issue, requesting to talk about it later, saying the word "sorry", the word "try", or the phrase "I know that you must be", pointing out why my actions just hurt her, saying that we can make it better next time, I really do care, asking for a hug, saying that we need a 20-minute cool-down.

    The index of angry replies is long: you don't care and you haven't for years -- don't try to hug me and don't even get near me -- man up for once and just let me yell at you -- don't just walk away you sissy -- don't make jokes about my pain -- don't you dare change the subject -- don't say "sorry" if you do this again and again -- this is ruined forever so don't talk about tomorrow -- just make believe you fixed it so you can get out of bed tomorrow without feeling like shit -- don't say "try", you don't try, never have, never will ........ etc.

    I would like to make it clear to her just how stuck I feel in these situations, and to ask for us to meet in the middle somehow. But I get accused of needing to be "spoon-fed" and having her do all the effort. (What can I do to make you feel better right now, or to help you understand I'm sorry? NO SPOON-FEEDING!) So I sit and think of all the possible directions which will get me screamed at, called names, or worse. I guess one (or two, or three) times is enough for me to strike a particular remark or word from the records.... but I must be too hyperfocused or logical... not seeing the emotions, or the bigger picture, ever.

    Recently I was told something a bit new: my wussy parents clearly raised a wimpy child who can't "push his way through the tough stuff" to get to the heart of the conversation he thinks should happen. And yet, enduring the screaming in my face :L"you knew that would infuriate me"... "why do you always have to push me more"... "you just love to escalate these talks until I hurt myself"... "I shouldn't have to tell you how to show me you care"... further down the dead-end street... just seriously frustrated here and feel like I'm missing something painfully obvious...

  • Another bomb dropped by ADHD (?) husband. by: Amitiel 8 years 11 months ago

    My husband dropped another bomb on me (by now I should be used to it). I wanted to discuss going to an ADHD specialist or a psychiatrist who can help us with his ADHD (I don't think he has ADHD). He straight up told me that I am prohibited to discuss anything about his medications and medical history or anything related with anyone, even his doctor as he has removed me as his contact and it would be a HIPAA violation and I will end up in prison. Can I really not even discuss what his medication abuse is doing to us and all the side effects? Feels like I have tried everything and he chooses to put his meds above everything else - family, son, wife. I feel really hopeless and see no way out of this. 

  • Military spouse never properly diagnosed and abusing Adderall. by: Amitiel 8 years 11 months ago

    Hello,

       My husband is active duty military. He wanted to take adderall to be able to compete with younger 20 somethings and feel like one himself. He never went for a proper diagnosis and kept talking about how he thinks he lacks focus till his Doctor prescribed him Aderall about 3.5 years ago. He started with 10 mg once a day. Just enough to let him have intense workouts. Since then, his dosage is up to 60 mg (30 mg, twice a day). He does not take the dosage as prescribed for obvious reasons but will take them as and when he wants to depending on how extreme a workout he wants or how much physical work he has to put in. Over the last 3 years he is also not anything like the man I married. He has turned into a very angry, borderline abusive person. He leaves for work at 4 am and never gets home before 7-8 pm, will even just randomly get up and leave for his office on weekends. He has been completely checked out of anything to do with our son and I. On top of that, he also had ambien prescribed by the doctor and suffers from sleep apnea but will not use the sleep machine. Now it is to the point that he only screams and shouts at me and our 6 years old son, lies about the smallest things, plays rough (pinching, pushing, biting, shouting) with our son, wakes up paranoid and for a few seconds does not remember where he is and with whom. I am always walking on egg shells because everything I say or not say, do or not do triggers his anger at me. He carries a handgun with him 24/7 because he is afraid something bad will happen at the bowling alley, home even things lie what is someone tries to steal his car from the parking lot at the mall. We had to change our marriage counselor who is a addiction and PTSD specialist. She discussed with me that he might have PTSD and is definitely not been to the right people to be diagnosed with ADHD. The minute he found out that his adderall prescription was in question. He made us change from her to a non-medical counselor. Now he is openly hostile to me to the point I have spent a day and night at a shelter with our son because of his threats. He was severly abused as a child by his own mother and I see that pattern immerge since he has been on adderall. This topic is completely off discussion to the point that he said he will call his doctor and tell him that he cannot discuss anything with me and if I still try he would rather divorce me than have me even discuss his medications. My questions are:

    1. Can I discuss my concerns with his doctor - the effects, his family history, his usage of adderall?

    2. How do I get people to notice that these are not small issues but there is something really bad going on with my husband? So far, everytime I have tried to get help, I just get told that nothing has happened yet and that I need to be supportive and try and keep the peace and not give him any reasons. No one has even ever listened to my concerns about his prescription medications use.

     

  • Double winner: infidelity and ADHD by: MrsB 8 years 11 months ago

    6 years ago, when my frustrations reached a boiling point in our marraige, I urged us to start seeing a therapist. The issues, for me, were related to distraction, avoidance, inconsistency, reactivity, unreliability... in retrospect what I know know is the spectrum of ADHD behaviors. I wasn't fully aware of ADHD at the time but I brought it up in therapy but it was shot down by the MC and my H. The MC wanted to help us communicate better. My H said that he didn't want to be labeled and wanted me to take more blame for our problems. Yes, in retrospect, I was very, very angry. Demeaning and parentified. I wish we had Melissa Orlov's book at the time because it totally spells out our relationship. I finally admitted that our MC was clueless and left her 3 months ago. We just started with a new one but I am worried that he might dismiss the ADHD.

    Well, 2 1/2 years ago, my H had an affair. I am still devastated, primarily because his shame and self loathing has kept him from taking responsibility and processing my pain with me. He wants to blame me.  His lack of follow through on promises to work on the affair recovery together (read books, scheduled talk sessions) and his overall avoidance of dealing with the fall out, has made me feel hopeless that I can move on WITH him. My individual counselor was the one who suggested ADHD and I just read the ADHD Effect on Marraige. It is now clear to me that ADHD is one of the major the underlying issues in the marraige, the affair, and our failed recovery. I am so frustrated because he doesn't want to consider ADHD (he kind of acknowledges it but doesn't comprehend how much of an effect it has on our relationship). To his credit, he does see an individual counselor and goes to Sex and Love Addicts groups (I think the underlying issue with the addiction, though, is the ADHD; I also think the 12 step is harming our marraige by his assumption that I must be codependent if he is an addict. Though he has addictive tendencies, I dont' think he is an "Addict."). 

    But I am at my wits end because I don't think we will heal our marraige if we don't deal with ADHD. I mentioned the book and told him how it asks us both to own our pieces, that it isn't about blaming him. But he doesn't  seem to buy it.

    In the mean time, he feels accused and blows up at me when I talk about my grief and pain. When I talk about what happened and what I need to heal. He feels "blamed." Except I am very careful to not blame and to use I statements, and own my feelings. But it triggers such inadequacy in him that he can't tolerate acknowledging his mistakes.My therapist says that he wants to put some of the feelings of shame on to me because he can't tolerate how bad he feels. But if we can't move on from that, we are not going to recover our marraige. I have pulled away emotionally and sexually because the rejection hurts me so much, which of course, leads him further into shame and feeling punished.   But I am detaching because it is too painful to try to reach out for understanding and to be berated. 

    I am trying to work on respectful communication, processing my hurt and anger, and finding joy, purpose, and fullfillment  elsewhere in my life. But honestly, I think the more I get myself together, and hold up boundaries, the more resentful and hostile he becomes. I don't know what to do anymore. Should i just pull the trigger on a divorce?

  • Is it ADHD, or something else?? by: kojabe1020 8 years 11 months ago

    My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD since he was a child. We have been married for 8 years and have two young children. He has tried medication and counseling, but never stuck with anything. Except going out to smoke pot 4 nights a week, because it "helps him".

    I have tolerated a lot over the years. Lying, excessive spending, he never takes responsibility and if I try to discuss any issues we have, I am a bully or making a big deal out of nothing.

    I thought I was at the end of my rope any times, but now I may really have to leave.

    Today while on our way to get a Christmas tree with the kids he randomly tells me he is trading in his car for a truck. When I mention that we can't afford that and we''re supposed to be saving to buy a house, he just lost it. He said I forced him to buy the car he has and it's my fault, he never gets to buy anything, on and on. This is his 4th car in about 6 years! And I had nothing to do with him buying it, other than the fact that I am a complete enabler.

    In turn I said we should go home and buy the tree another day because I am not taking the kids to do what should have been a fun family activity while he is yelling and furious. The kids started crying when I suggested waiting on getting the tree. He told them this is all your mother's fault, she ruins everything. Then he got angrier and angrier even though I wasn't saying anything (I know better than to talk once he's in this state). Then he just starts screaming at the top of his lungs for me to pull over and let him out. Finally I did. He said "F**k you!", slammed the car door and left. Two minutes later I got a text he is moving out. 

    The kids were hysterically crying asking why did daddy do that, why did he leave, why is he so angry. And I didn't even know. Why? Over what?

    A couple hours later he was groveling begging us all for forgiveness.

    But I honestly don't know that I can or should stay after this happening in front of our children. They are getting older and more aware and I am scared his behaviors, pot smoking, lack of involvement in their school, etc is going to be more damaging than not having him around.

    Is this type of outburst ADHD, or is he just a jerk having a temper tantrum?

     

     

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