I think the hardest thing for me at the moment is dealing with H not being present. We did Melissa's couples course last year and things were going great. H was having regular appointments and he was really really making an effort to create an intentional relationship. fast forward a year and yet again the downward spiral has started.
It started going downhill when we went and stayed with a friend of mine for the weekend a few months ago. He forgot to take his meds and spent most of the weekend on his phone not really speaking to anyone. I realised that without his meds he has no other coping mechanisms to deal with his symptoms and it feels from my point of view that he has come to rely on them and weed so heavily that all of the tips and advice from the couples therapy have been forgotten.
I feel I have tried my hardest to be patient and not let his overload of symptoms be an issue. His dose of concerta has recently been increased and it seems that he is running at a million miles an hour. His impulsively is off the chart, his anger has been palpable and distraction back to the point where he simply isn't present for most of the time.
He doesn't see any of it. I have tried to speak to him about it, but he doesn't see any of this as a problem. His low self esteem filter won't allow anything I say to be taken as mere observations of symptoms without him getting on the defensive. He asks for specific examples and when given them either denies them or has an excuse or blames anyone but himself. (usually me)
After one of our arguments I wrote him a letter very calmly apologising for my part in the argument, telling him how much I love him, and explaining how it's his symptoms I get frustrated with and not him as a person. I honestly feel the only way to stay sane is to separate the symptoms from the person. I went on to explain how I understand I have my own issues and pointed out what they were and how I planned on improving them. I also wrote a letter to his adhd to try and help him understand that my recent frustrations lay with his symptoms. Fast forward another few days, and it's the anniversary of my son's death. He would have been 23 yesterday. I had many text conversations with H during the day where I told him I loved him, enquired after his sore back, we had a good hour after he got home from work where we talked, I went out and when I got home and he was in bed. I made sure everyone stayed quiet only to go to bed myself a while later to find he was sat up playing a game in his phone. He didn't even look up until after I was undressed and already in bed before he felt able to put his game down and speak to me, all inconsequential crap about TV etc. I said that I had spoken with my son's father and just wanted him to know so that he wouldn't think I had gone behind his back and spoken to anyone else. I had to just laugh at his response of “oh yeah I knew that was today. I MEANT to say something earlier” oh well thanks very much. no matter how much I know and understand that it is distraction and a symptom and that I shouldn't let it bother me, there are times when the distraction is SO much I have a hard time not screaming “HELLO!!!!!! I'M RIGHT HERE!!!!!!” Especially when I know that when he is working at paying attention and creating an intentional relationship that things between us are amazing and better than they have been in years. I know he knows this, but I also know how much hard work it is for him to stay in the here and now and it feels like he's got bored with making the effort.
I also, while I was posting wanted to say a HUGE heartfelt thank you to many of the regular posters here. Curself, jjamieson, overwhelmed wife and many more. Your presence and advice on the forums is awesome. I am a terrible lurker and don't post anywhere near as much as I would like, but please know I'm sure there are many like me who read regularly who massively appreciate your thoughtful and insightful advice and support. I wish you all a happy and calm holidays xx
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Distraction driving me to distraction! by: Dipity 8 years 10 months ago
- anger by: hadittiredofit 8 years 10 months ago
My husband is having difficulty really believing ADHD is part of him. His explosive anger tempers are drainign for me and my children. My son talks to me how sad he is but clams up and is unable to approach his father. The baby stats screaming or hiding when he is angry.
Can someone be brave enough for me to cut and paste what others go through with the angry explosive tempers. He thinks his anger is normal. He finds fault with everything not done, or if I try to offer advice. Also what am I allowed to do in a marriage after the explosive tempers-can I lock the door with the children. Can I demand to speak with his therapist-the medicine is not working at all-needs diffenrent and a new therapist. Know anyone in south jersey of philadelphia? He is wiling to go for help, but does nto think it is really a problem-he says i am the reason for his frustraion-all the time-no matter what I take the blame. Not hittign me though. Another reason why he does nto see this as abuse. What si abuse? Please share what your husband does says ands how if affects the children as well-what they do afterwards so I can show him some real life scenarios. I am too drained and sick and tired of hiding this all inside can not tell anyone really. I have to do soemthing different. I am yelling now to him becuase I am so frustrated and tired of the sam silly rguments. He is takign the joy from all of us focused on his irrriations. What kinds of things irritate your husband how does he react. When they are yelling at us its it okay to yell back or am i supposed to stay calm while he carries on saying the meanest things. What are we supposed to do when put down or need to defend ourselves over unfair accusations. He does nto relaize the more we argue is the reason why we can not get anything done. Anyone in this baot-the arguments draine and prevent everythign from getting done. Then I get blamed for nto gettign things done. Thank you.
- He tells me I'm wrong. A lot. He doesn't mean to hurt my feelings. by: dancermom 8 years 10 months ago
We have frustrating interactions where my husband thinks he's caught me saying something inaccurate and corrects me. After he tells me I'm wrong, and bat whatever it is around, often he reverses himself and then tries to claim he never made the original statement. I don't think he means to hurt my feelings, he is just backtracking from his impulsive first statement, but the cover-up and rationalizations are fierce. This drives me around the bend. Why was it "gotcha" at first when it's "aww, don't sweat the small stuff" later? What is really making me sad is that apparently me sticking up for myself and telling my husband that his "you're wrong again" is hurting my feelings drives my child up a tree, and my child's reaction is that I am the one causing the problem, by getting all emotional about it. This is making me resolve to just take it next time, but I'm not sure I feel so great about that, either.
- Edited to delete the majority of the post by: I'm So Exhausted 8 years 10 months ago
Honeyblonde started a great conversation in this section entitled, "His Tantrums are killing me...."
- A single succes reenforces ADD stubborness... familiar? by: DutchGuy 8 years 10 months ago
Does anybody recognise this?
A single succes re-enforces the typical stubborness that ADD diagnosed seem to have?
Below examples are work related, I DO NOT WANT TO GO OFF-TOPIC FOR THIS SITE, but I have a nagging suspicion that I bring the same attitude into my relationship.
Once I get something right... oh see, nothing's wrong, what issues?.
Here's the example, the company I work for now promotes safety-first-and-foremost. Until a safety issue I bring up costs serious money and is a bit opaque and not well understood by most of my colleagues either. I stuck to my argument (hyperfocus?), several external consultants are brought in until there is not that more higher authorty on the subject matter and I am proven right. Fine.
But next I go all overboard in being the eccentric guy, constantly being argumentative with the boss etc......
Looking at plain facts, I do have some good output at work on occasion but the overall picture:
I held several jobs, but not for very long. Always wound up getting a low performance review, bosses finding me DIFFICULT to work with, no promotions etc.
The typical stuff for ADD diagnosed. Fine to very good work content......... (drum roll)...... of the stuff that I DO get finished.
Another typical: Not properly logging "additional work for the client outside of the contract" for my company, a previous employer. (I don't know the proper term I am not a native engish speaker)
The client expressed to be thoroughly content with my work, except for the planning and timing ALWAYS LATE, and client was reasonable enough for this half-years worth of work to be paid for as additional work outside agreed contract.
Their Lead Engineer was my reference for my next job..... go figure
But the client could well have deceided to be a tad bit more commercial and claim it was not properly reviewed and agreed that I had to work through the things I did. With the boss not getting paid as a result of my improper handling of "administrative chores".
My point is, in my mind, I log my occasional good output as a huge succes.... and forget about all the difficulties surrounding me.
At least not take them seriously enough to effectively work on them.
I can always find a logical explanation for what I do at some detail level, but the overall picture, -helicopter view as you will-, does not make sense.
And I likely do the same in my relationship with my girlfriend. SORRY FOR TAKING EXAMPLES FROM WORK, THIS SITE ISN'T FOR WORK ISSUES
What makes the ADD mind so stubborne once a single (may be big item) item goes well for a change?
Somebody at least re-assure me that they have the same experience....
Regards, DutchGuy
P.S.
Regarding the detail level that I look at things and not being able to figure-out the overall picture:
I am under coaching for my issues surrounding work, initiated by my boss so I am doing something right, for them to not outright sack me I guess
The coaching psychologist says that she does not see a typical Autism issue, so lets rule that out for the sake of argument for the time being.
- I'm New Here by: Hope of Deliverance 8 years 11 months ago
Good afternoon all,
I just discovered this website last week while I was sick from stress, and decided today to join. I could write a dissertation on my challenges, but I will try to sum it up succinctly. I was so relieved to find other people dealing WITH THE EXACT SAME ISSUES as me. I really believed that I was going crazy and was failing because I continue to be missing something in my marriage. However, after reading some other posts, I could have it much worse. I'm happy to fill in specific details, but here is a brief summary:
I have been married for almost 10 years to a sweet, kind guy who always impresses me with his genorosity towards others. We dated for a few years before marrying, and I was the center of his universe. He never got angry with me, and always accepted me. After being raised in an alcoholic household the acceptance was amazing. He also came from an alcoholic family, and we bonded over that. Then we got married and from my perception things changed. I become his mother.
I was crumbling under the stress of graduate school and being the sole responsible person in our marriage. He has never had a problem holding onto a job and excelling at work, so he is a dependable bread winner. But everything else is mine, and I never get a true break. We have been to marriage counseling twice and have been active in church. The message to me is always to lean on God and look for the sin in my life AND I can only change me. That is all fine, but I am at a point where I can't go on for the rest of my life feeling like this. I do readily admit that he has tried to make an effort to be dependable, but it just doesn't ever seem to work like I need it to. I can't continue supressing my emotions and denying my needs. I bend over backwards to be a cheerleader for him. He tells me he doesn't think anything is wrong in our marriage and that I blindside him when I express how unhappy I am. I don't want a divorce. I want to save my marriage.
I walk on eggshells around him, never knowing if me or something will anger him. Sometimes even watching a new TV show is touchy because he might respond in a burst of anger if he doesn't like it immediately. I have stopped sharing with him. This is not good. Because of the dysfunctional dynamics in our families of origin, I can't be authentic with them either. I don't have any friends my age either because I live in a state where people go to retire, and when I try to tell people what my life is like I'm not sure they understand what my problem is. My mother is actually jealous of my perfect life! I believe he is also suffering with an anxiety disorder, and I can see both of these conditions manifesting in his parent and sibling as well. I dread holidays because I feel like I am the only normal person there, and there is always tension.
Physical intamicy has ALWAYS been a challenge since we got married. It was fine before we wed, and afterwards my perception is that it turned off. It still happens, but infrequently and I feel so ignored. It is also so awkward, and I can't understand why after all this time.
He does not have diagnosed ADD/ADHD, but I showed him this site over the weekend because I am at a breaking point. I am losing myself to depression. He told me that he also has wondered lately if he has ADD, and agreed with many of the symptoms. He has agreed to seek out help, but we'll see if that ever happens. I will nag him about that. It's too important to let it slide.
I also called a counselor who specializes in ADD/ADHD just for me because I need help. I'm not dealing with oridnary family problems. That is clear. I feel like I want a 6 month break from marriage and extended family just to heal and FEEL HAPPY. I'm so tired of feeling tense. I like the times when he is in a good mood, does sweet things for me, and answers me with more than one word responses. When he is happy we can laugh and laugh.
EDIT: I reread my post and wanted to make sure that I expressed how much my husband and I have tried to understand our shortcomings and respond in more productive ways, especially over the past few years. I have not been perfect, and I try really do try to change myself for the positive. My husband is earnestly trying. We have done the Love Languages book, but there are these common themes and lingering problems that remain. We need a different approach.
- 1. Uncoachable kids become unemployable adults. We all know someone who is unable to keep a job. Nine times out of ten each tim by: overwhelmedwife 8 years 11 months ago
"
1. Uncoachable kids become unemployable adults. We all know someone who is unable to keep a job. Nine times out of ten each time they get “fired” or “let go” it was someone else’s fault, they cannot get along with management or they do what they want to when they want to do it. This person was most likely one of the kids who refused to take direction, who did not play well in teams, or just did what they wanted and it was allowed. Sadly, this is something that starts in childhood. I encourage you to let your children be coached and/or instructed by other adults so they get used to it. This is a MAJOR part of life."I saw the above come thru my Facebook Newsfeed and it really hit home. H comes from a family where the men have been largely under-employed or under-earners...with the exception of my H. H is the only male in his family that played team sports, so he did get used to being told what to do from "authority figures." His father and his brothers never played team sports beyond very low level little league, where true coaching doesn't exist. H's dad couldn't "hack it" working for a corporation, so he bailed early. He hated being told what to do. He hated being told that he was expected to meet certain benchmarks, etc. So, he quit. This was at a time when men knew that they HAD to support their families, so he started his own business in the same field that, at the time, was historically very lucrative. Because he was so lousy at it, he only made a very modest living....by default...by just showing up.
I wonder how differently H's dad and brothers would be, employment-wise, if they had been "coached kids". I wonder how many here who rightfully complain that their partners are unemployed or under-employed are dealing with former "uncoachable kids."
- I feel like his sister... by: Anonymous (not verified) 8 years 11 months ago
I have been away from Thursday-Monday and you would think I just went to the corner store. My brother got married and I sent pics throughout the whole things since he couldn't attend. I sent him a nice picture of my sexy dress while in a fancy restroom at a country club and he responds "oh you took a pic in a bathroom" and never responded to pics of the wedding itself, my 81 yr old mom, nothing. He text me 3 times, mostly about himself. He called me once and talked about his weekend. I got home and he said he was surprised to see me home since he thought I was going straight to work. I did text him before my long trip home but he sucks at text messaging and never responded or initiated. I said that I needed to wash my hair before going to work for half day. He then said he was headed to work (he makes his own hours) and left 10 minutes after I got home. I was not excited to see him and I am sure I don't need to explain this to anyone on this forum. He wasn't excited either. It's like I never left. My feelings of not being excited come after 25 years of the same ADHD behavior knowing that after all these days away, I am only coming back to stress and more of the same. I hate that I don't want to come back home after visiting my family or any trip for that matter. Marriage should not be this way. What I want doesn't seem to matter anymore, this is it, this is what I/we get. In his mind he is loving me just fine. In my mind he falls short of loving me as I want/need after 25 years of my expressing myself. If he were cheating, this would all make sense. While I was away, my friends asked about me and it made him respond in a sarcastic way like he was tired of them asking for me. I would love to go to sleep and wake up in 1988, the year I met him. I don't hate him, I just don't feel fulfilled being married to him. I don't feel reassured or seen and I feel like I have changed. Before I would dote on him despite feeling this way. Now I don't want to fake anything anymore.
- Learning about myself.... by: c ur self 8 years 11 months ago
I would like to share a few thoughts concerning communication, and the frustration and anger that arises so often when our attempts to do so or so unfruitful and even damaging. In my study of why things are like they are, why we can't move past all the volatility I realize yet again the answer is with in me. Another painful dark corner of reality I've avoided like the plaque, (my own denial) because of the simple reason it's more truth than I can handle simply because I hate it so much.
Don't you hate to be forced to live in a way you really despise even when it's the wisest and in many cases the only choice for a peaceful existence?
The dilemma of living in a monogamous relationship with a person who's mind is unstable you never know what you will get from one minute to the next. What's the answer for living peacefully with this person? Is it even possible? Before I attempt to answer that lets look a few issues....
In my case w/ my wife she runs from strong independence, to strong co-dependence. Why? Why do I see it that away and why has it been so hard to deal with? The problem isn't the way she lives, the problem is my unwillingness to accept option number one as even being an option and doing what I would have to do to not be effected by it...Leave....
So what is the second best option...learn to live with it wisely and as peacefully as possible...How can I do that when I'm so sensitive that I struggle to move past her up and down emotional roller coaster life style?
I must accept the facts! The facts about my make-up and hers....I looked at a cartoon I think it's called Zits...The mother walks into the kitchen and screams JEREMY!!....There is this teenage guy setting there and he has food and garbage everywhere, Frig door left open etc...And he calmly keeps eating and says.."Sure go ahead and blame the teenager"....So when i saw this I didn't laugh at all...I saw us, I saw to people in denial....She couldn't accept the pig, and the pig didn't know it was a pig...The simple moral of this story is.....A pig is a pig no matter how many legs it has....And emotional wellness comes to me only when I live with the reality of this truth...As bad as I hate it, as much as it changes my life, if I can just accept it, I can be at peace.
Another thing I'm being forced to deal with (because it goes against my thinking) a Co-dependent mind isn't someone you want to take to seriously. When you're enabling them, baling them out...You will here how much they love you, all smiles:)...But when they can't get you to carry them in one of there foolish endeavors...You will be attacked either verbally or the pout of silence...It's a fact but will I accept it, and expect it so I can be at peace when it happens..Or will I like I do so often engage so deeply and blindly that I come apart when I'm attacked?
If a person's pursuit for happiness is predicated on another's actions that person is in for a miserable life...
C
- Please Help by: Nwestra 8 years 11 months ago
We discovered almost 2 years ago my husband had ADD. He was having severe depression and no antidepressants were helping. The facility that he went to had him talked into ECT. Thankfully we got a second opinion and he started in Adderall almost 2 years ago. Shortly before he was properly diagnosed, he was forced to quit his job. Since that time he has been trying to get his own automotive detailing business started. He is not able to be organized or a self started. We have a child and are living off of basically just my income. The financial stress is killing me. He maybe details 2-3 vehicles a MONTH. Most days he sleeps in until at least 10, then does things he deems very valuable (cleaning the garage, maintaining our vehicles, half finishing projects, etc). He stays up until at least 3 am, and the cycle continues. I've told him dozens of times he at least needs a part time job and he disagrees. I pay for everything and last month we almost were overdrawn. I have no extra money to do things I want to do or put into savings. I am angry and resentful. I do not understand how this is an issue. HE NEEDS TO WORK! At times his family will have him do some book work or cleaning on their farm and pay him. His mom tells me they cannot afford to pay him but she doesn't want to upset him because she's scared he'll try to commit suicide--- before he was properly diagnosed and on ADD meds he had suicidal thoughts but has not since. He sees his psych dr every week but nothing is helping. I truly feel if he would have a steady income life would be better and so would our marriage. I feel used and financially abused. I want us to be happy again, not only for us, but for our daughter. Most days im depressed, hopeless, and angry. Help!