Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • lying, blaming and telling you that you are the one who has a problem by: Mrs Secret 8 years 10 months ago

    Hey there - once I have been a happy person, secure and valued, relaxed and energetic. But, that is a long long time ago. My husband and me are separated since nearly three month now and finally I do start to feel better, bit by bit. Get to see that I am not insane, that I do not need to get an psychiatric evaluation done. Honestly, without my parents I would have totally lost it. My husband tries/tried to tell me that I am the reason why he had repeatedly anger outbursts these last month. I am frustrating him, I do trigger him et c. He did receive his ADD diagnosis last year and did start Ritalin. After that, he slowly started to get moody, obsessed and explosive without any reason. He started to misinterpret messages and did not want to accept when I did tell him that it was not the way I had said it/ meant it. But without succsess.He would not believe me. He tries to force me to admit things I never meant or said. I can see that misunderstandings happen and that I am not perfect either, but it should be enough when I do tell him that it was not meant that way. However, he always did got angry, telling me that it is not true. I felt frightened and tired and could not handle it anymore. I just can't talk with him anymore. He does not trust or believes me.I did walk on eggshells, afraid when his mood would start to drop and when he would start again trying to find a reason to yell at me or belittle me. Now we are separated and it has only gotten worse. He is telling his side of the story to family members and our pastor from church who tries to counsel him, making them believe of course that I am the problem. He says that we have conflicts and I do not want to reflect my own behavior and the part I do have in making him angry. He even managed in making siblings of me believe that I am the unreasonable one, even our pastor is confused and does not know which story is true.

    I have always loved my husband, in spite of some of his more difficult ADD traits. But he does not see how much he is hurting me with telling those lies. Maybe it is his perception, but nevertheless they are unrealistic, just not true. He stopped Ritalin now and maybe that stops his anger outbursts who happened to often last months. But how to move forward? He wants me to apologize and finally see my part in making him angry. Right now the whole family is confused because of the way he tells the happenings just a bit different, denies having said things and misinterpreting even emails.When he reacted in anger before, he always apologized but not anymore, I am the one who is to blame and he wants me to finally admit it, even if I do not know where he is talking about...

    What to do? He even denies his ADD diagnosis and wants to go to get a second opinion - probably to try to make the psychiatrist believe that it can't be true...and our pastor does not believe me. How could he, my husband is so smart in making people believe whatever it is. 

    Could his behavior be caused from Ritalin?

     

  • Tired of the embarassing outbursts by: mcl1970 8 years 10 months ago

    Last night was an all too familiar scene.  We were at our daughter's high school basketball game and my husband made a scene.  I wanted to die. Here's the set up: it was a varsity basketball game and our daughter plays JV.  JV players have to also dress and sit for Varsity, although no playing time is guaranteed.  The team was winning 60 - 30 and arguably the coach should have put in the second string of girls (no argument there).  My husband became agitated about our daughter not getting playing time and started yelling "Hey coach, time to clear the bench!"  As parents all turned to stare, I did my usual thing and swatted his leg and told him to be quiet.  "You're not helping" I said.  "Don't make a scene."  With only 3 minutes left in the game, the coach put 3 of the JV players in, but not our daughter.  This infuriated my husband. "That's the LAST time she is wasting time coming to a Varsity game" he yelled.  Again, I told him to lower his voice and that he was making a scene.  With 2 minutes left in the game, our daughter was subbing in.  Then he yelled as loud as he could '[MARY IS GOING IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MARY IS GOING IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'  The stares from the crowd made me want to die.  I looked at him and in my angriest whisper voice said "Knock it off or leave.  You are making a fool out of yourself."  He kept ranting, not loud enough for the entire gym to hear, but enough for those around us.

    I wish this was an isolated incident, but it is not.  After the game, he was still on fire saying the coach was wrong.  I said, "I agree, but it's the coach's call and making a scene isn't helping anybody.  Let it go."  He couldn't.  He got mad at me for telling him AGAIN to let it go.  "I've heard you!" he barked.  "Yes, but you're still going" I quipped back.  Then I came at it with my finest remark.... "You're acting like a classless a$$hole!"  We walked to the car and a few minutes later he talked like nothing had happened.  "Uh huh" I said.  "What, you're going to give me the silent treatment now?" he asked.

    I unleashed.  "When is enough enough?  You do this all the time!  You not only embarrass yourself, but you embarrass me and Mary!  This insanity has got to stop!"  He replied "Fine, I will stop going to her games then."  This I have heard before and it infuriates me.  "That's your only answer?" I ask.  "Grow the hell up and be the parent.  It doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing.  Go to the game and keep your mouth shut"

    We drove home the rest of the way in silence.  When we pulled in the driveway, he said to me "it's not a maturity thing.  This may sound like an excuse, but this is my ADD."  WHAT????  Why has he never said this before?  We've had this argument a hundred times.  I came inside, googled Adult ADD Outbursts and found this site.  Is this ADD or is he just acting like a jerk?  Immediately I began thinking of all the other outbursts and times he made me feel like I was the crazy one - when he insisted he wasn't yelling, wasn't making a scene, wasn't overreacting.  All these years, all these outbursts.  I have finally had enough.

    What do I do now?  I can't endure another episode.  It is humiliating.  He sounds like an obnoxious jerk and I'm embarrassed by his behavior. He has been seeing a psychiatrist for 3 years for ADD and takes medication periodically (I don't monitor him, so don't know how religiously he takes it) and I asked that he please make an appointment immediately with the doctor to discuss this.

    Our daughter has another game tonight and he is not going.  Which I guess is a good thing.

    Looking for some advice, and frankly some support, from those who understand.

    Thanks!

     

  • On a positive note... by: arosenbarger 8 years 10 months ago

    On a positive note had a good time with my family last night. I shoveled the driveway until my two year old started crying with cold hands, and joked with the wife. Had a great time. Just a simple, quiet, honest night. :)

  • Frustration Bar is Low Today by: arosenbarger 8 years 10 months ago

    The past two nights had little sleep. Work the past two days has been difficult as weather has complicated our operations, compiled with people returning to work after a holiday. 

     

    I really, really want to shout at the frustration. 

     

    I know I am liable for my outbursts. I will do my best to not take my frustrations out on my coworkers or loved ones. 

    Just needed to vent and breathe. 

  • FOOT+MOUTH=FIGHT!!! (how communication works in our marriage) by: arosenbarger 8 years 10 months ago

    I try to communicate properly but the lack of forethought in my words, or the manner in which I inflect them, usually falls flat and leaves me with a my foot in my mouth, and we have a fit. I am angry how I expressed myself, my wife - the non-ADHD person, is sensitive because she is hurt and feels like she did something WRONG, and this instance ruins our entire day. 

     

    If we could go on the a game show, teh way we communicate, would fail in 20 seconds. 

  • Non-ADHD Partner is "not cleaning as much" by: arosenbarger 8 years 10 months ago

    My wife and I have different energy levels. This is established. When I clean, its not perfect but I work till I drop. When my wife cleans - she cleans like you're getting your teeth cleaned - thorough. but she doesn't clean often. I pick up for us, pick up some of her stuff, and I have to remember she does the appointment making, bookkeeping, child disciplining, etc. 

     

    The fact she doesn't put her dishes in the dishwasher, SHOULDN'T drive me crazy but does. I keep on his NEGATIVE kick and forget how loving my wife is. 

  • The Rage that Instantly Fades by: arosenbarger 8 years 10 months ago

    My wife is looking to get divorced after five years of marriage. She says I get focused on a task or a slight, become frustrated - voice a passive aggressive statement or a mean comment, then once that is spouted - I'm fine. But I leave her hurting in the meantime. 

    The stimulus creating the frustration is unimportant - the fact that I take out my anger on my wife, is horrid. 

     

    I want to be clear - I do not physically harm anyone, only with my mouth. 

     

    I need to control it better. 

     

    My friend, who isn't ADHD, said, "what do you want more - to be married and keep your mouth shut or spout it off and be divorced?" Was good perspective. I am defensive and mean.

     

    Does anyone else ever feel like this? 

     

  • Just... so tired. So very tired. by: HesitantLA 8 years 10 months ago

    I'm spending the holidays with my ADHD BiPolar II diagnosed, and medically treated boyfriend.  We've been together for 2 years.  I think he's a confused genius and he's hilarious and lovely to be around.  When he's engaged and all there.  As i've learned from reading around, the hyper-focus ends, and i actually found that to be somewhat of a relief, but we've moved in together as of a couple months ago, and I have to say, it's been one of the hardest things i've ever done.  I've been in other long term relationships, and i've *never* had the difficulties i am having in this one.  I have never felt more on the verge of just ending it than i do right now.  & yet I stay, and what that says about me, who knows.  Although I am ok with the hyper-focus stopping, i'm NOT ok with him ignoring me, treating my opinions/needs like they don't matter, etc.

    I'm starting to think maybe i'm crazy??? I'm fully ready to accept that maybe i've just lost my perspective, so if i have, someone please tell me.

    I feel ignored. belittled. bad about myself from some shockingly awful hurtful things he's said. (& why do i tell myself that for some reason i don't think he means them maliciously, they seem to be blurted out pretty innocently, like he doesn't realize how utterly awful it is to tell your girlfriend that say, ''man, that ex girlfriend of mine had a perfect body.  She had the best -insert body part here-" )  Why am i making excuses? That's an awful thing to say, and i told him so.  He got mad at me.  'I can't be honest with you' 'I used to be able to be open with you'.  It's infuriating.

    He'll get into these kicks.  Right now it's basketball.  He will play every single night for weeks.  When i say, hey, i'm getting lonely, can we spend time together.  I'm at fault for trying to control him.  ohhhkay.  Then when i tell him i'm starting to feel ignored and awful, he'll blow up that i'm criticizing him constantly.  I try to explain, calmly (i'm usually calm, but i do respond to his anger with anger sometimes, which i know isn't good), that I'm not criticizing him, i'm telling him how i'm feeling and hoping we can fix it.  Doesn't matter how articulately, calmly, or lovingly i try to address our issues, he perpetually gets furious.  I can't talk to him.  

    I feel so sad.  And alone.  & i'm losing hope.  2 years in, help? Is there a magic word that works like an encryption key and suddenly everything i say will make sense to him, or him to me?  I want to fix this, but i don't see a light at the end of the tunnel and all i know is i don't want to feel like this anymore.   

    Before anyone asks why i stay, i stay because i've never laughed harder than I do when i'm with him, i never feel more cared for when he's actually caring for me, i've never felt such intimacy as when he's present.  He's insightful, witty, handsome and charming as well.  Even with all of that, i'm still asking MYSELF why i'm staying.

    AM i kidding myself to think I can have the following:

    HIM; A loving and kind relationship where he takes my needs and feelings into account; A PARTNER??; Someone that has my back, just like i have theirs??

    Sleepless in Amsterdam =( 

  • Gaslighting by: kellyj 8 years 10 months ago

    In the need for humor?  One my favorite comedy sketches....on the topic of arguing.  Enjoy.

    https://youtu.be/kQFKtI6gn9Y

     

    J

  • Self-sabotage by: jade21 8 years 10 months ago

    My husband has been severely depressed for the last two years.  He's been taking citalopram for about a year now.  During this year, I have suggested to him numerous times, to find another med.  He is still depressed, can't sleep because the med makes him feel awake, and is down right mean sometimes.  After realizing the citalopram might be making him less empathetic towards people and situations, I talked to him about it and backed up the information with research.  I also told him that I went off citalopram in the past for the same reason- I became a jerk, I didn't care about anyone or anything.  He finally agreed to try something else.  He was put on Wellbutrin.  The change was rough for him initially, because of his withdrawal effects from citalopram.  He was moody and angry.  However, once he was on Wellbutrin awhile, the change was noticable.  He was a loving and caring person again (most of the time).  I was feeling like we're finally getting over the mess and becoming a family again.  Last week, I find out he switched back to citalopram without my knowledge.  He said he didn't like Wellbutrin, because it made him feel.  He said he wants to be numb and not deal with people's feelings.  Since going back on citalopram, he's become a total jerk.  He doesn't care about how I feel and has been saying very mean and hateful things.  It seems like everytime something good starts to happen, he self-sabotages and drags himself and our family down.  Last night he was being verbally abusive and mean to me.  I called his mom and had his mom pick him up and take him to her house.  He's there now.  It's so hard when I see how positive things could be, but he doesn't want to change.  He doesn't want to fail, so he sabotages himself before he can, so he can blame it on his anger or an arguement we had.  He's seen things better, but doesn't want them.  It hurts and I just don't understand.  All I know is I can't let him bring me down anymore.  I'm trying to look at a better future.  However, it's hard when my whole life feels like it's in chaos right now.

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