Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Crush on Another by: HyperBallad 9 years 2 days ago

    Hi All:

    I was on this website several months ago and decided to disconnect. I found it depressing and wanted to be in a hopeful place about my DH. I kept reading articles, I put myself in therapy, we are in couples therapy - I am doing all I can to "help my marriage" but I am loosing hope again.

    It started when I noticed I had a crush on a man at work. It was subtle at first - but then it turned to a small obsession. I started longing for him and even reached out to him in an email. We had a few conversations - and nothing happened. It was all in my head. I felt so bad and guilty - but the longing made me look at myself - and whether or not my needs are being met. I feel so alone in my relationship - and despite promises to make things better - I just feel disappointment for my husband.

    I have Complex PTSD - so my husband's ways of being with ADHD have ways of triggering me quite a bit. Almost on a daily basis - if I am honest. He's gotten techniques to help with his ADHD - he's on meds and he's learned tips from a counselor - he still manages to get obssessed with projects, forget things, blame me for not helping him and he brings in less than $100 a week.

    I've done a lot of personal work over the years. I grew up with poverty - I've taken a good look at it. I know that in order to remain mentally stablity - I need food, shelter and a sense of safety in my life. My husband, who is a bit entitled - hasn't proven that he can relate to this. He chooses unsafe situations, overlooks comfort and will say he's not hungry at home - won't pick any groceries out at the store - and yet, when we're in a social setting and there is food - he's the one going back for thirds and fourths.

    I made a contract before we moved into our current place. It said that he needed to take responsibilty for half our bills. He's not honored it at all. I put my foot down at the end of last month - and told him he'd have to pay his half of the rent (I've been paying for both of us for as long as I can remember - and I have my own bills to pay off!) he went to his mother! She gave him a bag of canned goods and a check that was short $100. This meant (because of his financial situation) I had to make up for the missing part - not to mention the rest of the bills he ignores and avoids while working on his projects (that I say - angrily - never amount to anything).

    What is this dysfunction? Why does he turn to his mother to "save him" and "scold him" and tell him he needs to pay her back? Which he never has done! Ever! How could he?

    I feel like I share the same cycle with him: I pay - I scold - I ask for a return - he makes a promise he can't keep. I really want to put an end to this cycle. I want a lover who is responsbile and fun. I long to feel light and laughter - instead of anger and crisis. Falling into the arms of another man seemed like a solution.

  • Feel so abandoned and alone... by: Lost Wife 9 years 2 days ago

    After 10 years together, we're just discovering my husband has ADHD (undiagnosed as an adult, but he's had it since he was a kid). We have 3 children.

    You all know the basics of living with an ADHD spouse. The promises with no follow through, the lies, the lack of empathy, the forgetfulness, the underachievment, the difficulty in taking care of responsibilities, the messy house, the issues handling anger.

    I am finding myself at the end of my rope, emotionally, and going into almost like a self-preservation mode. The pain is so much every single time he repeats actions that he KNOWS causes me unbearable emotions, that I feel desperate for relief. I need security, trust and emotional nourishment from my partner. I get zero of this from him, though our relationship started much differently (when he was hyperfocused on me). He doesn't know how to understand my pain, loneliness and despair. He only knows how to care about himself. I know he loves me, and (unfortunately) I still love him, but I am slowly dying on the inside the longer I stay with him.

    I am having difficulty taking that final step towards divorce, though I did feel ready a few months ago before he brought me back with more promises. I know he hasn't had counseling, or gotten a diagnosis yet, and I'd like him to, but he hasn't taken the initiative to figure this stuff out on his own (for the last 10 years, I've been the one to research marital issues, set up appointments, to do basically anything that required responsibility). I told him a few months ago that I agreed to keep trying if he; A) stopped lying (can't tell if he has, he's SO good at it); B) Make small promises everyday and follow through on them so I could rebuild some trust (he followed through on about 5% of his promises); and C) research ADHD, the effects on marriage, and find help. He has not done this either.

    We have a huge deadline in our work looming (we work together at home.... a disaster with an ADHD partner) and last night I had to count on him to complete important tasks before bed.I had set up a spreadsheet with all the information so he could refer to it. He looked me in the eyes with all sincerity and told me I could count on him. He would not mess it up. He WOULD get it done. Like a hopeful little girl I believed him.

    Well, of course he let me down MAJORLY. Had his usual slew of excuses and pity party comments set up to try and make it impossible to blame him. The hurt at being let down AGAIN was unbelievable. The highest amount of emotional pain I've ever felt in our marriage (as I feel this type of pain is accumulative). On top of that, he was so busy acting the victim he didn't care about the pain he KNOWS he is causing me. He doesn't care what broken promise #1509384 has done to me. He doesn't care that I was ready to call a lawyer for a divorce a few months ago, but put myself in further pain's way to give him another chance.  If he does care, he sure doesn't show it. What he shows is he cares about himself.

    I'm the idiot who keeps staying, and I wish I could just kill whatever love I have left for him so I could really leave. I find myself dreaming of a life of peace, with the possibility of someone who cherishes me, and appreciates that I am there with him. I am angry that I am even thinking it. I am a very loyal, dedicated wife. All I want is to be married to my husband forever. To be cherished and to cherish him back. But no, I am left abandoned and alone with my hurt. Forced to put on a smile for the kids even though I am dying inside.

    I am sure my husbad will muster up something that sounds hopeful to say to me, and I really hope I can muster up the strength to say "no thanks" and start the process of numbing myself for divorce.

    Sorry for the vent. I just don't know what to do, or how to feel. I have no family or friends to talk to . I am truly alone.

  • AdHD and delusional behaviour? by: jachom 9 years 4 days ago

    Does anyone experience a husband or wife who goes through a paranoid period and starts accusing me of having affairs 10-15 years ago? Needless to say, I have never been unfaithful to him.He had a meltdown due to overwork and had to use drugs to stay awake in 2000.  Got involuntarily committed for a week and a few years later finally managed to get prescribed dex. we got married after a couple of years of separation  in 2007. Since then, he has an episode of accusing me - usually of having affairs with the people we worked with. I just rang his pychiatrist in desperation and he says that the mix of marijuana and dex has now proven to be a bad combination. He need to stop pot and take anti-pyschotic to calm his mind. We know how well that when when I texted him to gently say we should try his psch's advice. I'm currently in a cafe waiting for him to stop ringing, texting me and asking me to explain 4 events that happened in 2000 - 2005 and apologise for having those affairs. He says that he will forgive me as all he wants is honesty. I keep maintaining calmly that I have been truthful and can't apologise for something I did not do. Don;t even know what the other 2 things he wants me to explain is all about. I had blocked so much out during those years of complete turmoil. 

  • Got Expected Diagnosis - Wasn't Prepared for Emotions by: BrandonADHD 9 years 4 days ago

    Wow...I have been looking forward to this diagnosis for almost half a year as I began slowly realizing I could have ADHD.  I read the books, talked about it and then finally got tested.  It took a month to get the results of the test, but it finally came yesterday.  ADHD Innatentive Type (Mild) with Major Depressive Disordor (Moderate) with secondary anxiety.  

    I thought geting the diagnosis would be liberating as I now have something to rally around.  In the long term I believe this, but getting your weaknesses handed to you in a five page jargon filled report was like seeing every fault of yours in the mirror.  I have been very emotional the past 24 hours, and of course, concentrating has been quite difficult.  My wife has been supportive, but I wasn't prepared for the shock at how direct the report was with terms like neuroticism, psychotism, etc.  I have been googling these terms like crazy trying to understand "how" crazy I am.  I have also been reviewing so many things in my past trying to understand all the times I was symptomatic without realizing it.  

    And of course, now that I have the diagnosis, a whole new set of questions are opening up.  What is the first next step?  What does it mean for my relationship? My current job as a researcher and job search (after I finish my PhD)?  Being a parent?  What are the right set of treatment options?  It is a bit overwhelming.  I know it will take time to sort through all this, but the feelings hit fast and furious and I wasn't prepared.  

    Next up is meeting with my non-ADHD therapist to review the results.  He knows he is not a specialist and will refer me to a specialist if need be, but I figure he can at least shed some light on the technical aspects of the report and help me figure out my second and third steps.  

    Knowledge is empowering and scary at the same time!!

    Anyone else experience this?  What was your first, second, third steps?

    --Brandon

  • New here and need a safe space to vent by: nikkollynn 9 years 4 days ago

    I stumbled upon this website tonight while researching ADHD and marriage and a lightbulb went off for me. As you can guess we're in a tough place right now. We've been together for 11 years, married 9, and have two children. One of our children also has ADHD. My husband was diagnosed as a child, but due to the lack of good medication options back then and the negative side effects he had from Ritalin he hasn't been medicated as an adult. Funny enough he had no issues trying out medication for our son, which by the way has been a great experience. As is true for most relationships where one person has ADHD it's been a rollercoaster over the years. We always come back to the same issues though: his lack of interest in me, his lack of sex drive (which has progressively gotten worse over the past year), us having more of a parent/child dynamic and his all over the place and ever changing interests and hobbies that he's passionate about, which makes his lack of passion for me that much more hurtful. I'm obviously not without my own faults. I admit that I'm a perfectionist and a worrier. I also tend to take over and take control when needed which can be both good and bad. So starting from the beginning ...When we met I was 19 and he was 22. He was also just trying to quit using cocaine and other hard drugs. I helped him get on his feet and supported him 100%. Looking back I see that he replaced his drug addiction with his addiction to me (and now has replaced me with numerous hobbies). I wasn't educated on ADHD back then, I was young and I was smitten so I obviously ignored the warning signs. A year and a half later we were married and had our first child on the way. The first two years of our son's life were rocky to say the least. That's when our sex life declined and I started losing his interest. He seems to always be addicted to new things: his computer, the internet, a video game, work, fishing, fixing up boats, snorkeling, surfing, etc. His interest in things never lasts long because he's always on to bigger and better things to give him that fix he needs. While reseaching tonight I read that lots of ADHD people hyperfocus on things like a new love interest, but that soon wanes and they're on to something else. That's when the lightbulb went off that confirmed that I'm not crazy and just making things up. My husband has many amazing qualities and while we love each other more than ever we just plain don't like each other these days. I'm fed up with his constant changing interests and lack of interest in me and he's fed up with me constantly "attacking him." By attacking him he means sharing my feelings. We can't just have a conversation about those things without him feeling like I'm criticizing him no matter how hard I try to phrase things correctly. I've bookmarked some articles I've found tonight, ordered a few books and joined this forum hoping that I can figure out a way to repair the things that are going wrong. If anyone has any advice for us I would truly appreciate it.

  • My husband doesn't think he needs a driver's license. by: Bre.bre 9 years 5 days ago

    Hello im new on here, i happen to stumble on this site, ive been stressed about my relationship with my husband, and after reading some posts on here, it does seem like his ADHD is what makes him the way he is. Ive known he has it, he had issues in school because of it, but i never realized how it affects him as an adult until now. He has the obssesive tendencies and anxieties. 

    But my main search for advice is for the fact that he seems to think that he doesnt need a drivers lisence. He has a permit, and when he does drive I am in the car. He is 29 years old (im 23) i got mine when i was 21 due to circumstance, his was for the same reason (i thought) for a long time, but now its to the point where i even ask him to drive and he gets angry amd irritable amd turns into a piss pot, he is easily irritable in general, which i think his anxiety surfaces as anger, which he admits he has but absolutely refuses to go to counsling or get any help. Its becoming a very large stresser for me, i have social anxiety as well, and panic anxiety and seasonal depression, ive been on and off pills and go to therapy bi weekly. But anyway i really dont know what to do, i feel like we cant even think to start a family or be able to move out of the crappy small rural town we live in till he gets it amd is comfortable driving himself, we work at the same place across the street so it works for now but i cant stand to live here the rest of my life and he has stated he wants to move to this better town about 40 minutes away and i love going there but its like he doesnt grasp if we do that he has to be able to drive. I feel like i cant rely on him... any thoughts? 

  • I feel completely alone - now he is 'blackmailing' me. What do I do? by: lcmelb 9 years 5 days ago

    Hii All,

    I just discovered this forum and I'm so glad I did. Thank you.

     I feel completely stuck right now - stuck between the deep love I have for my boyfriend of 13 years and stuck with the frustration, stress, and feeling of hopelessness - of living with someone who has diagnosed ADD and who (from my POV) is not dealing with it incurring fall-out for me and our lives, and relationship and possibly sending us into living below the poverty line.

    I've read enough of ADD forums, to know, that i have fallen into the classic trap of mothering/enabling my boyfriend for the last few years while I have been basically the sole breadwinner.

    Our story is that he is has a brilliant business mind, describes himself as a serial 'entrepreneur'. He's been capable of having 6 figure contracting jobs too. He is highly intelligent and capable of great things. We ran some start-up businesses overseas which we remain proud of but didn't work out financially. We came back to Australia over five years ago, to rebuild our lives, especially financially. A key challenge for me is that he has massive hang-ups about looking for any kind of work citing 'the thousand of job rejections' he received. Note his CV is a little unusual as he has run mainly businesses. I understand that about him. He see himself as a 'hunter' not a 'farmer'.ie. an entrepreneur not an employee. I think it actually the entrepreneurial  energy is linked to the ADD also - it all makes sense. He is been on government unemployment benefits for five years. 

    Our problem is that while I have been working over the last few years, his projects have not got off the ground yet. He often says, part of it is because "you don't help me with them!, you are part of the problem". This makes me very angry. I feel that I have been - by allowing him to focus 100% on the business building, not even getting a part-time job etc at least and taking on the stress of full-time work. I have talked to him about that in depth and I think despite his great skills, he actually suffers from a lack of confidence and fears job-hunting rejection. He seems to take it personally, although he denies it! He has actually said out loud, 'No-one wants me". So, I can see the pain there. I think counseling for the latter would really help him, but he refuses to get help and get over this!

    We are now in dire straits financially as I lost my high paying job in April and have been contracting off and on since then. On the day I got sacked, I was pretty upset and said it wasn't working anymore (me being the 'grown-up', paying all the bills etc), and I needed him to bring in income also so we can both get ahead. 

    It's been six months and not a lot has changed. I found a great site for freelance businesses consulting work (perfect for him), he said it was great, yet he still is not on it!  - five months later. He said he 'wasn't ready'. I feel like screaming at him!!! When we have an empty fridge and can't pay our rent will you be READY then!!. What distresses me is not only the lack of urgency, the obliviousness to my anxiety, but also the blame game. When I try to talk to about reality of our situation, he shifts it to me - 'You didn't help me (with the business building etc') over the last few years", the fact is I was pretty preoccupied with keeping our heads above water and either looking for and having high pressure jobs at the time. He is finally looking into the consulting site this week, but only because I've had to really push him.

    This morning when I talked about only having enough money to pay the bills for more month - he said 'Just sell the car', I'll go and live in a tent in a park, you can live with your father...". Great, so he now threatening to leave me saddled with debt (as it's all in my name), and poor and alone! Instead, what I need to hear is ' I know you are under pressure, I'll do anything to turn this around, I'm here for you, you are not alone". He has talked along similar lines in the past when i have been stressed and they gave me glimmers of hope. I did feel he was genuine at the time. He has so much talent, we could make so much money and be secure - and have a really great life!

    A major touch-point for me is that we have (due to our business failing and not being able to pay rent) lived just in those types of poverty circumstance six years ago. I never want to return to that that brush with poverty. I'm still traumatized from that.

    When I talk about having more security, he jokes that I should find a "boring and safe" boyfriend to live with instead! e.g "Go find an accountant". I also get that classic ADD response, 'Stop NAGGING me!'. At what point will he get, that I feel he doesn't listen to me, and I'm feeling desperate and pretty depressed. I am also lonely, as our sex life is completely non-existent.  He is very affectionate etc in other ways, but I really miss him in that sense. I feel like we are both missing out on a great part of life. Again, I know this is ADD related.

    The other problem, is that while he has the avenues to get help with his ADD, he avoids doing anything about his ADD which was finally diagnosed a few years ago. He was even taking his medicine (Dexamphetaimine) incorrectly, but again refused to get help to sort it out leading to months of wasted energy. Frankly, it's a bit of a blur.  

    A prime example - he has a great ADD specialist, he was meant to have an appointment in October to catch up with her and also get access to a free ADD Coach and free psychologist.  I think the latter would have been amazing for him (He has done mindfulness sessions in the past which seemed to make a real difference, he was calm and happy). He decided to cancel this appointment the day before, claiming he "didn't want to do the blood test". Now, the next appointment is not until Dec 21!  This means he is unlikely to get any ADD coaching until 2016. He missed a great opportunity to get help. I can't talk to him about ADD issues e.g making medical appointments without being called a 'nag'.

    So, another year has gone by and we are now in a very financially risky position. I now know I've been in denial. When I was earning six figures and we had cash flow, I could pretend that everything was going to be OK and he would improve. Now, that the safety net has gone, a whole new world of stress is here. 

    I'm sorry for such a long note, I don't know what to do anymore. We have the potential of a great, big life with happiness. I still love him and I believe he loves me. We still laugh, have fun. We have been through hell and back and are great friends. He is brilliant and the world should be seeing that. But, I'm completely beside myself as I write this also. He says he is not emotionally blackmailing me with comments like the one from this morning, 'I don't care, I'll go live in a tent'.

    Today was the first time, I thought, "Should I call him on his bluff and kick him out?". 

    He says I don't care about his 'business' which he is still developing. In in a way this is true, its' hard to be 100% positive about it (it is a great concept),  but it's been so long in fruition and he doesn't get that I need him to look after me, instead of it always being the other way around all the time. All I want is for him to get a freelance project of some kind, anything to take the pressure off me (for a change). I really need him to step up and be a true partner to me again, like it used to be. I know that I can't control him, I can only control myself etc.. but I feel stuck today

    Thanks for reading. 

    LCMelb

     

     

     

  • Life. by: jennalemone 9 years 6 days ago

    You ARE the company you keep.

  • ADHD Hyperfocus or Psychopathic "Love Bombing" by: cicadataco 9 years 6 days ago

    I googled ADHD hyperfocus and googled Psychopathic Love Bombing.  They have slight differences, but scary similarities.  Anyway,  I am a new victim.  

    Was "love bombed" for 3 months by an ADHD man,   Wow it was fascinating.  I fell head over heels and gave my heart.  LOL!  

    Today, I am dead to him.  Texts and calls are ignored.  I am the invisible women.  Its so ridiculous i want to call 911 and state an emergency! 

    He has moved on to another person.  Its like it didn't happen.

    Oh well just a vent sorry.  Yep i am sad.  and in disbelief.  

    BTW:  I want my heart back.  dont you ever fuck with me again.

  • Learning to interject at the right time; and in the right manner.... by: c ur self 9 years 1 week ago

    I've really struggled with trying to communicate my feelings to my wife. We are so different, she really doesn't want to hear them.  I've definitely found out what doesn't work with her.

    It really doesn't matter if you have add or not; no one wants to be continuously badgered about their ineptness. So as many of you know I've worked very hard at acceptance of her realities. It really has helped me to get my focus back onto my self, and my responsibilities vs having my mind bombarded with what she is or isn't doing

    Today was an interjecting day; I spoke into her life on three occasion's, she didn't like it based on her comments, but; I've learned to say it at the right time, and with the right tone and just say it once.  Also it's 100 times more effective if were at peace with each other....

    She is bad to not take her adderall when she is off, and when does this, it's hard to communicate with her, she gets nothing done and the blurting out or I call it barking in disrespectful tones becomes worse...Yesterday she didn't take her adderall,  this morning she had her alarm set which woke me up and of course she lets it chime and chime and finally hits snooze, she can do that for hours...So as I was being woke up I said to her half a sleep it that was her phone vibrating, and she barked at me and said NO ITS MY ALARM!...I thought a second and said; "I'm sick of your barking; make sure you take your meds today. Then I nicely said: I don't think you hear yourself....She got up later much nicer; and it seemed obvious she had taken her adderall.

    So after lunch she tells me our newly married Son was coming home with his new bride tonight so from 2 until 7 she was a cleaning and straiten machine...I was up busy also, I cooked dinner for all of us, vacuumed, done some dusting etc...So as we were about to set down to eat I just looked at her and said; This is the way I think we should live all the time, this is who your husband is...You shouldn't wait until someone you want to impress is coming to clean and pick up the house...(we still have piles but I just wanted to let her know that there is really no excuse for laziness and not doing some general cleaning a little along....She said WELL YOU AIN'T ME.. ha ha...I hit a nerve...but, she got my message and called me about 10 and told me she appreciated what all I did to help her...

    .Then I suggested that for 3 months we try something....For the next 3 months I'm to not ask her for anything, and she is not to ask me for anything....I told her what ever we do for each other, how ever we show our love and commitment will be all their is...No asking....Of course she had a problem with it at first....But, to my amazement after about 2 minutes she said; " It might be a good idea"...Ha ha...Now I would faint dead away if she doesn't want something before lunch tomorrow....You talking about Therapy...3 months without asking me for anything would be strong medicine:)

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