This is a text my wife recieved from her brother telling her that was not going to be joining us for Thanksgiving and gives a brief explanation as to why?  Before I continue with saying anything else...I wanted to put up the text so everyone can read it themselves to get you own first impressions.  Here it is in it's entirety...

"I'm Not Coming."

"I'm Not feeling well."

"XXXX, I'm so sorry, I'm just going to sit here on the couch for a few days ..Okay?

You guys a good time with Mom, XXXX...I really Love you and it would be best for everybody if I stay here, give Mom a big kiss and tell her I love her."

So you aren't left guessing.  My brother in law has a number of health issues revolving around diabetes and chronic depression and has a disability status since he is unable to work because of it.  Without thinking any further about this when I first read this text before talking to my wife....the first thing that crossed my mind was thinking to myself "good....he shouldn't driving 100's of miles to get together with his family if he's not feeling good and not up to the trip and should feel Okay or that he hasn't let everybody down if he doesn't feel good and knows that he won't be very good company or very uplifting to be around.  No need to apologize or explain..."I hope you feel better.  Relax....get some rest and get past whatever it is you are dealing with.....we'll catch up again soon anyway."  Knowing he has health issues....I also know that he probably doesn't want to always have to explain this to everyone if something is going on and he simple knows that he isn't up to doing anything with anyone else and needs time to recover to these somewhat chronic moments of down time due to his physical limitations. 

I thought this all to be pretty obvious and in no need of further explanation?  What happened next was a chain reaction of events which ended up with my wife and I getting into a situation over this that I had no concept of why it happened or why my wife saw something completely different than what I saw and the conclusions she came to and what happened next.

My wife seemed visibly distressed about the text message and was seemingly highly concerned about something and became agitated without explanation?  When asked she said.." I need some time to think and I can't talk to right now because there's a crisis.

Crisis?  I don't understand?  What crisis?  With no explanation more than..."I know my brother....and I'm very worried and concerned.  Men over the age of 50 who live alone and are isolated are at the highest risk of suicide especially at the holidays."

Without going into all the details of how this caused a tense time between my wife and I and two different conclusions that came from the same text and what we both knew of her brother individually.  I am without a lot of information to form any opinios outside of my wifes conclusion but first and initial reaction and response to my wife was.." well....why don't you just call him and see what's up?"  This seemed reasonable?

My wife went into a tailspin and told me she didn't want to talk about it and she needed to make some phone calls on his behalf to send someone over right away to make sure her brother was alright?  It was a panick like response to something that I just wasn't seeing?  "So if your a man...living alone and are isolated with health problems and it's the Holiday's....then the first thing you would conclude from this text is that is might kill himself and that's why he said what he said?  In context to everything I know of her brother.....I wasn't seeing?

So I went back and reread the text using a different lens or filter.  If you see her brother as a person who the poor victim of circumstance in pain and misery and who is usuing victim language instead of being up front and honest about his intentions and feelings and don't trust what he is saying to be true....then there must be a different explanation for the text working and he's actually at some critical stage in his life where he is contemplating ending it all.

Of all the possiblities possible....this would be the last one I would choose and is at the end of the line as the worst possible scenario one would pick I think.  I can think a dozens of others to consider here first before I would arrive at the same one that my wife came to and then went into "Crisis" mode.

This resulted in my wife and I getting into a fight when she started panicking and treating me harshly because I was trying to ask questions to get more information and because she came to me with a seeming need for me to do something but I couldn't even determine if there was a crisis or not in the first place yet my wife only said in the moment..."  I don't want to talk about it" as her only response.

Okay then.....I'll leave you alone and when your ready....you can try and explain this too me?  This made her mad since she said again "I just did....what don't you understand?"  What I understand here is that you think your brother is going to kill himself and I don't?  And it makes no sense to me that she would do everything but simply call him and check in with him to see for herself?  Instead....she called other relavtives and tried to get them to go see him and check in on him and his status in person by going to his house. 

My response to this was " but what if he's really just not feeling well like he says and he doesn't want company which he clearly indicated??.....wouldn't that piss you off a little if now family members are dropping by unannounced or univited to come sit around and require you to have to talk or explain the very thing you don't want to do.  You just did the opposite of what he wants by doing this?"

As it turns out....when her brother called on Thanksgiving to check in.....he was fine and as it turns out.......the text was exactly what it said.....literally or by any other you can think of.....the text needed no further interpretation and her brother was simply not feeling well and was not up to a long drive and knew he wan't good company.....face value....straight up.  No crisis....no panick.....no emergency.....no need for my wife to snap at me.......no need for her to overreact or call family members.......no suicide attempt......no suicide.......no suicidal thoughts or feelings on her brother's part.  Nothing she thought that she read in the text message was true or remotely accurate?  Only that statistic she gave as her only reasonaing given to me at the time to help me explain how she felt the supporting reasons why?  I only asked the question about calling her brother to find out once and didn't get pressing this issue.  I conpletely backed off and let my wife deal with this alone only to reitereate.....this also appeared to upset her at the time as well but " she didn't want to talk about it" ....which I respected and didn't try and do that either.

This is good example of catastrophic thinking......always taking everything to the final and worst case scenario and then beleiving this is what is actually happening even when it's not.  I know I've done this before many times in the past....but it appears to be something that happens less the less stress and anxiety I have at the time.  These distortions of reality are real or can feel that way when you thoughts are influenced by fear and anxiety and the net result of this is just what I saw happening with my wife.

The most interesting part about this phenomenon is that there really is a "Crisis".....but it only exists inside one persons head and no one else involved even remotely is in any kind crisis at the same time.

Only to say......I had a crisis of sort myself and that was in trying to figure out what the problem was and what my wife was seeing?  It took me an hour or so of calming down myself when I became frustrated and annoyed at the fact my wife would only keep saying "I don't want to talk about it" and that was the only information I had to go on.  Ultimately.....I just tried to ignore it but as you can imagine.....it's hard to ignore someone who is in a panick state and spewing that all over the same space you are occupying with them at the same time.  It kind of excuses theri behavior if they think there is crisis and they really believe it even when you are not even at the point of drawing any conclusions yet until you get more information and going to the sourse is your only hope to get it.

These are the things that appear so strange and bizarre unless you understand it.  It was the only way I could know what to do and what I shouldn't do in this case. 

Nothing.

J

I recently learned about a "neuro-pschologist" in our hometown and asked H if he wanted to see him.  H agreed.  When making the first appt (which will be next week), the office recommended that H see a psychiatrist first to get his meds under control.  Today H saw the psychiatrist.  Yay.   The last time H saw a psychiatrist was when he was in rehab, and H was very dishonest at that time.  

Today, the psychiatrist decided that H should also see one of his office's therapists.  Tomorrow is that appt.  Hmmmm....this is the hurdle.  The psychiatrist has several therapists that work for him, but all the female ones are too busy for a new client, so H was assigned to a male therapist   Normally, that shouldn't be a problem.  HOWEVER, H prefers females so that he can spend the hour "being charming" and "lying" and to get them to "pity" him.  H knows (but won't admit) that a male therapist isn't going to "pity" H, because H won't be able to charm them.

Anyone else have this issue? 

Hello All,

I am a 38 year old male and I cannot believe I am writing this post on my birthday, but I suppose this was the best present I could think of giving myself. Here's my story: I've been married for 14 years to a wonderful woman. During my early years of marriage, I did not know I had ADD but I got me and my marriage into a lot of trouble - not paying bills, lying about things, not taking responsibility etc etc. My wife lived through all that and was as supportive as anyone can be. Few years ago I was finally diagnosed with ADD and I began medications. The big things started to improve - I stopped lying, I took control of my finances and credit etc. But now I am stuck - the little things are still hard. I become lazy and forget to do small things around the house and as a result things break down at home. My wife is just about at her wits end and now even though my attitude to change is right, she does not have the patience for even the smallest mistake that I make. To make matters worse, my wife is super organized, capable and ofcourse now she is tired of responsibility. I love her and I want her to have happiness. I am willing to do anything for that, but as I said I need to show steady daily progress. Can someone offer any practical tips?

Thanks

Context: I am the non-ADD spouse.  My husband has been diagnosed, after much resistance, with ADD and was on medication for approximately 2 years.  He went off of his medication about 6 months ago because of increased anxiety.  He didn't tell me.  I thought he was moving into early Alzheimers, very worried and scared.  Lots of increased anger in the relationship from both sides. His side: Increased forgetfulness, inability to stay on task, very long hours at work (1 job)  to accomplish the job. Financial difficulties with creditors from medical bills - insurance foul-ups but little to no, now late, follow through.  Explosive anger, slamming doors, cabinets, throwing things. Withdrawn into the TV.     My side: I have tried to implement what I have learned from the counseling sessions through this site....months at a time but lately I have fallen back into increased frustration to not being heard, seen or acknowledged consistently.  I work multiple full and part-time jobs and have the full responsibility of the business of the relationship. I have become, again, Irritable, bossy, demanding - almost doing anything to get any kind of attention.  I am overwhelmed with my emotions often, turning sullen and withdrawn.  Communication is only about surface things - movies, music, what's for dinner.  Lots of walking on egg shells in this household.  If the conversation becomes more real - business, relationship, expectations, frustrations it turns into a VERY LOUD argument and often things get broken.  

Blended family with 4 adult children.  2 his, 2 mine.  3 live away, 1 lives locally.  We have been married for 11 years.  Been to 3 counselors for multiple years each. 

Our blended families, the kids, don't get along with each other.  The 3 daughters - my two and his oldest, who is older by 13 years and is a different life stage, married, Highschool children, can get along reasonably well most of the time.  His son dislikes me - has since before we married and has been vocal and aggressive about it with me off and on throughout our marriage.  There has been times he was not welcome in our home due to his disrespectful behavior.  Those boundaries were mostly placed by me and not enforced by his father.  His son, who was with us every other weekend in hs is now living about 14 hours away from us and usually is only home a couple of times a year.  Thus, the holidays every year....usually not much fun.  My mother lives close by and there were multiple issues with my husband's children during the 2 weeks my father was dying.  My mom has MUCH difficulty forgiving and wants little to do with my husband's children.  When my siblings and I and our spouses get together for events with my mom, none of our spouses children are invited or included. My husband's children take great offense at this and are very resentful.  I have had this particular discussion with my husband's oldest daughter, explaining I cannot control my mom and I hope she would focus not on what my mom doesn't do but instead on what I do for her family....which is quite a bit for a person with my employment hours.....but this continues to be an issue and probably always will until my mother dies.   

This year I recognized that for the first time in years we would have all the children and their girl/boyfriends (1 spouse) in town and initiated an evening for us all to get together and have a Christmas time together.  I worked hard to find the time with everyone's other families schedules, flights, etc.  Everyone agreed to come.   His son's new live in girlfriend would be coming and since me and my girls hadn't met her, we could that evening.  Just a couple of hours.  My girls weren't real keen on it but told me they would do it, be courteous, etc. for me and because they have fond feelings for my husband.  I was hopeful we could have a light time, have a bit of conversation and just all see one another for a little bit. 

Issue:  My husband's daughter and son are upset to not be invited to my mother's house for my family's Christmas gathering.  His son wrote very hurtful, disrespectful texts to his dad about me and my family. I opened my husband's phone, saw my name on a text, opened it and read it.  I then texted his son and shared how upsetting that was and told him he is not welcome to come to my house until he apologies.  Huge fight between my husband and me for me looking at his phone.  Name calling, household items broken, etc....not good.  My husband:  I was in the wrong to look at his phone and his son can say anything he wants to him about me and my family, not my business.  I was in the wrong and the son was just fine.  No apology needed and that's that.  His son doesn't like me.  I have treated him unfairly and his son's anger is a bit out of control but justified.  Me:  I would like my husband to demand that his son speak to him about me respectfully...sharing concerns is one thing but ugly, hateful statements about me and my family are not acceptable.  When my girls were younger and talked to me about his children,  I called them on it and have had said things like;  if you have a problem with XXXX you need to talk to them.  Or, that is my husband, or my husband's son, you are talking about and I don't want to hear it. (When his son became threatening of me and one of my daughters, I took appropriate action and blocked numbers, talked to police,etc....for protection.  But, that hasn't happened in many years and I was  hoping we had gotten past all of that.) 

Two days later now.  We haven't talked about it again.  We are back to our shallow relationship..... Egg shells, etc. I have taken care of fixing the broken household items.  We are spending Thanksgiving apart next week...he is going to his daughters with his ex wife and her husband....I am helping my 80 year old mom cook for my siblings and our children.  Living our typical separate lives. But, I feel separate even when he is home so what's new.  

I know his son will not be expected to apologize, and won't, and the Christmas gathering I have planned and bought for will not happen.  At this moment, I am not willing to 'give in" on that boundary and will stand my ground.  The divide continues to get bigger.  I have grown to really dislike the holidays.  Actually,  I have grown to dislike this blended family and all the gunk it involves. I am feeling like it is a hopeless situation. 

Would love to hear thoughts on this.  Is my request for an apology unreasonable? I don't trust my husband stands up for me....really the trust factor here is the main issue.  Thoughts?