Hello!

My partner (I am a lesbian) of 3 years was diagnosed with ADHD & Generalized Anxiety Disorder. She has not yet started medication or treatment yet but will soon! I am 32 and she is 30.

I am trying to come up with some different ways of dealing with her moods.

The main obstacle I face is that she gets so easily overwhelmed, and that causes her to panic. She relies very heavily on me. If she can't find something in the house, she will call or text me. If she has a panic attack, she will call me and ask her to walk her through it, which I have gotten really good at. Little things like that, I don't mind helping.

 The problem is that if even the smallest thing goes wrong, it sends her into catastrophization mode. She will say things like "everything is ruined", or have a panic attack.

- If she gets lost while driving (very often) she will go into panic, and call me.

- If she messes up while cooking, she gets down on herself and thinks "everything is ruined" and just throw everything away, and then expect me to help her clean it or find more food.

- If she wakes up too late and had plans that day, she will say she's "worthless" and that she "can't do anything right" and then panic (and call me).

- The few times she's needed to switch jobs in our relationship, she gets scared, anxious, and depressed, saying she has no skills because she had a hard time in college and works in restaurants. Then I have to shoulder the financial burden for a while.

I keep telling her that it is normal for women with ADHD to have low self-esteem (I was diagnosed ADHD as well and have done a lot of research).

This is hard on me. If I don't do something just right it makes her very upset. I feel like I am walking on eggshells with everything I do. If I help her cook, I have to help her cook perfectly or she will snap at me. If I don't respond to her immediately, she thinks I'm ignoring her. I never know what will set her off.  This is constant.

Just wondering if any of you have tips for dealing with walking on eggshells, and someone who has a hairtrigger anxiety response and immediately catastrophizes.

Thanks!

Hi gang - joined this forum today in hopes of getting some advice or at least a sympathetic ear. Melissa Orlov's "ADHD Effect On Marriage" book was an eye-opener for me when I read it last month. In the book, and on this forum, I see sentence after sentence that resonates deeply with me and my situation. To know that I'm not alone has helped me calm myself and think things over more carefully (I hope).

My story: Diagnosed with non-hyperactive ADHD in 2000 at the age of 18, met my wife 6 mths later, married in 2008. The post-college world put a squeeze on my ADHD and our relationship, to put it mildly. I had insisted vehemently that to-do lists and sheer force of will would box everything in. Got on medication in 2010 and saw a big difference in day-to-day life. However, beyond the day-to-day things, our lives have deteriorated, mostly I think due to ANGER and the way in which we both chose to handle it.

My own anger: put aside for a long time, in favor of keeping the peace in my marriage. In better times, it could maybe be diverted into self-improvement thoughts and lists. I have a dozen lists which range from kindergarten-cheerful to drill sergeant fury. In bad times, it would fuel a series of on/off binges: junk food, credit card charges, secret drinking, wasteful hobbies, frantic exercise. While my wife worked very long hours, I would try to focus hard on cleaning, cooking, organizing, and being supportive and attentive to her daily stresses. When a promise was made (clean the stovetop, listen to her work gripes without a random interruption, cook healthier recipes) it would eventually get broken. So we inched along to our current position, which is that "promises" and "revelations" are lies made up to keep her off my back.

My wife: I would like to grieve for all of the above, but I'm also saddened by how much my wife's anger has transformed us. And yet it seems to be a forbidden topic. I wish I knew how to step in and undo this cycle of anger, but I'm paralyzed when thinking of what the starting point could possibly be. Bullet points:

• In addition to dealing with me, she has a tough career with long hours and (at times) miniscule personal satisfaction. For many years, her boss would lob personal insults at her without a care, because she knew my wife would just buckle down and work harder for the good of the company.
• Once, the way ahead used to be that I try harder and cross my fingers that she wouldn't blow up. If I felt frustrated, angry, or tired, the answer was "man up", because not stoking her anger was top priority.
• Things are filtered through her lens a lot these days. Trying to point out a mistake = she's a moron. I suggest a thing that she said last week = her words mean nothing to me. Saying that we should postpone a conversation before it gets escalated = her feelings are so insignificant that I can't wait to run away. Tough day at work = she works so hard for zero return. Trying to read a book to understand more about ADHD = too lazy to talk to your spouse instead. Budget is tight this month = no matter how hard she tries we'll always be underwater. I write her a nice Christmas card = hers isn't written that well because she's dumb. Sitting in a nice restaurant, she'd joke that nearby people say, "who let those shlubby people come and eat here?" Leaving a friend's house, she'd joke that they thought, "boy, aren't we sorry we invited those two over for dinner again."
• Pointing out that she might be overly sensitive, or maybe should examine her own feelings, leads to crying and statements like: "if you think I'm such a loser, then just leave here right now."
• Won't entertain the idea of taking a break, cooling down, or agreeing to talk through an argument later. Instead I am running away, being a coward, trampling on her and her feelings. She would prefer that I "say something meaningful" right now, but won't discuss further because I "should just know".
• If I have an angry outburst on my part, pounding my fist on the table or shouting "stop it"... switches immediately to crying, statements about how she is all alone in this life, no one loves her. Threats of self-harm, just going away forever, suicide by car accident, etc.
• Since arguments inevitably escalate, her anger goes into strong and frightening places. In the last 3 years, I have had clothing ripped, CD's snapped in half, drywall cracked, childhood mementos cut apart, dinners dumped into the trash. Any apologies have been framed as: "you made me so mad that I had no choice, because I don't know how else to make you understand." The only canned response which works is for me to say, "yes, it was really me who broke that, because I made you do it."
• Since I cannot walk away, call for a break, ask to not have my belongings broken, or have an outburst, I sit still and try to react quietly and calmly. What I get told is that she "must mean nothing at all, if this is the most I can muster up out of you." Attempts to explain this flat reaction are "escalation" because I wind up saying too much.
• For fear of embarrassment, there is no one else she can talk to about any of this. She has few friends due to time and energy spent on her career, and has implied that she wouldn't expose such a harrowing secret to the friends she does have.
• In 2012-13, we attended couples counseling. She told me up front that this made her miserable because she would have to discuss very private problems in front of a stranger. Has said vehemently many times that counseling stuff is for "crazy people", not her.
• Has said lately that people with ADHD, OCD, autism, etc. are coddled because society invents these categories for weak people. Get your label, and everyone can bow and kowtow to you because you're so special. Society loves labels. Meanwhile, she never got her label and has had to work so hard for everything she has without any help from anyone. The people with labels get an excuse to slack off and maybe get some pills so they don't have to try as much as her.
• If the timing is wrong on a given day, larger issues get flown in within 30-60 seconds of the initial "sliding-door moment". I ruined Christmas last year. I ruined our spring vacation with an argument about packing bags. Don't I remember how I lost my concentration a few years ago and had that fender-bender. I made her go to therapy, which was more humiliating than anything else she'd ever done. This is just another broken promise, or ruined weekend, or screw-up etc.

Grieving, forgiving, and moving on from past hurts seems like it would be beneficial, but I don't know where to start. Discussing her feelings implies to her that it's all her fault, not mine. Suggesting that she take a certain course of action implies to her that her current feelings aren't valid. Suggesting that she read a book about anger, or talk to someone else about it, would be too embarassing—and only something that "crazy people" do anyway, not her.

Any thoughts about how to start up a talk with her which may start to move things in a positive direction? Thanks all.

My husband has ADD.  Our marriage has been on the brink of divorce for the last five years.  We have attended counseling, etc.  Some things have improved.  However, the core issue of my husband not wanting to be vulnerable and put himself out there remains.  I am unsure we can get past this issue and I am realizing I will either have to live with it or leave him.  He is very self-centered and hardly ever acknowledges my needs.  He withholds his love and affection, because he doesn't want to be the first one to put himself out there and risk rejection.  I am growing increasingly tired of being the one always putting myself out there to be ignored by him.  He goes to bed without holding me or talking to me.  It's been seven weeks since we had sex.  He believes hugging me is all the work he needs to do and I should be the one to then make the next move.  He barely talks to me, but then gets upset when I make plans without him.  He wants to be close, but doesn't want to put himself out there.  I often personalize his behavior and feel like I am not worthy enough or I did something wrong and that's why he doesn't love me.  It's hard to sleep next to someone who is suppose to love you, but won't even acknowledge you.  It causes me anxiety.  I've tried to let things go and say in my head, give him time.  But I give him time and he still does nothing.  He's depressed and finally switched to Wellbutrin.  Which I believe is somewhat helping with his forgetfulness.  He can't take meds for ADD, because it makes him very angry.  I am also growing tired of hearing that he is changing for me and I'm the one forcing him to change.  He doesn't see any of his changes as being positive, but as being a sacrifice.  He was addicted to porn and had a borderline addiction with alcohol.  He shoves it in my face that I am the one who made him quit.  However, when I say if you want to do those things fine, but you are not living with me if you do, he stays.  Even my son gets hurt when he is ignored, so I know that I am just not being overly sensative.  When I tell him that I am hurt that he never texts me, hugs me, talks to me, he just says I can't hear your feelings because I cant be concerned with your feelings.  He says I need to focus on myself and can't be concerned about your needs.  I get that to an extent, however, at some point he needs to address how his behavior effects me.  He will never just say, I hear what your saying and I understand that and will try to do what you need.  If he said that, our relationship would be totally different.  That's what makes all of this feel so stupid.  But I need to feel important. I'm sick of feeling alone.  I just don't know how not to.  How do others deal with being ignored and not take it personally?  How do you continue to put yourself out there when you feel rejected?  How to you deal with someone who constantly "whines" about problems, but is never willing to do what they need to do to change them?

I love Rick Green!  And I love the Totally ADD webiste.  My most recent e-mail update from them was so in-line with my life experiences this week.

"This is about how a small thing can feel so big, or perhaps how a small trigger sets off a huge explosion… of sadness.  Hmm. That doesn’t sound right. Anger explodes. Sadness… feels more like quicksand, pulling me down, and under."  ~Rick Green~  

  I really, really get that.  It breaks my heart to see my spouse melt into sadness and/or dispair.   I have mentioned in an earlier post that my spouse now reads this forum.  My participation here was not a secret.  We actually attended one of Melissa Orlov's Couple's seminars after I found this site.  

I have freely shared my frustrations.  I originally thought my time of being able to post here was over.  Then I realized that the timing could not have been better.  I had turned the corner on my obsession with understanding my spouse and ADHD, and turned my focus into being the best person Liz can possibly be.  Each day I learn a bit more on how to communicate better, and how not to take my spouse's personal inventory, but rather work on my own.  

One reality I have seen by reading countless experiences here is this:  There is evidence of a definite pattern that happens when a person has unidentified ADHD as a child, spend a lifetime develeoping their own coping pattern of behavior, and then 20 some years into a marriage, when their spouse has taken on more relationship responsibility than they should have, they finally reach their own breaking point when that unstable framework collapses under the strain.  

I have been working on myself, Liz.  I am breaking old patterns of destructive communication.  I am breaking old patterns of scooping up more responsibility that I should by falsely thinking I could keep everything going smoothly.  It really wasn't working.  I just thought it was.  Maybe to outsiders, it looked like it was working.  But for me, it was overwhelming.  

I have stopped making excuses.  I have stopped smoothing over rough places.  I continually have to reiterate to our 2 adult children that I did what I did because I knew at the time it was the correct thing to be doing.  Now I know better, so I am doing better.   I am valuing Liz and her well being, not sacrificing it to keep everyone else happy.  Even in that, it is really rough.  They grew up in a world where Daddy being happy was everything.  And Mommy made it her goal to achieve that.  And now I know THAT WAS NOT THE  RIGHT THING TO DO.  Everyone is having to adjust.  I upset the fruit basket.  

I refuse to get into verbal disputes that will only get louder and louder and louder.  I know without a doubt that I cannot convince my spouse of anything he does not, cannot, or will not see.  My reality is my reality.  My prior post - ADHD - stuff to accept, and stuff not to expect - was carefully thought out.  Edited and edited many times so it would reflect my feelings.  It still struck a nerve in my spouse when he read it.  So I went and reread it.  And still feel comfortable in everything I shared.  It is always wisdom to choose words carefully.  I am finding the balance between feeling fearful that no matter what I say, no matter when I say it, it will be the wrong thing.  Oh, that eggshell walking gives me a knot in my stomach.  Is it truthful?  Is it necessary?  Is it said to purposely hurt someone else?  Those are what I choose to use as my filters.       

I am in a community here on this forum, of those who understand.  And I continue to encourage my spouse to give himself a voice and say what is on his mind by participating.  

"This is about how a small thing can feel so big, or perhaps how a small trigger sets off a huge explosion… of sadness.  Hmm. That doesn’t sound right. Anger explodes. Sadness… feels more like quicksand, pulling me down, and under."  ~Rick Green~ 

The holidays are here.  I spent many past holidays skirting around a lot of things.  And being constrained by my inability to MAKE it happy and joyful for my marriage and everyone else.  So, I eneded up just not doing a lot of things I wanted and dreamed of doing,  in order to keep it peaceful here.  And in reality - it never worked.  I was not happy.  I was disappointed.  

Thus, this year, as I mentioned in my previous post, I am doing Liz's side of planning based on Liz. What I had done in previous years was isolated myself from a lot of things because I couldn't control the situation and make it happy and joyful.

I think I had some sort of breakthrough.  I was sharing my plans for Thansgiving with my spouse - attending a Community Thanksgiving Dinner, and then going to visit my parents. These choices were based on several things.  1.  Our children are adults, our daughter works that day, and our son is having dinner with his girlfriend and her family. 2.  My spouse had told me that he cannot do family events (my family or his family) right now. 3.  I did not just want to stay home all by ourselves. 4.  Holidays have always - yep, this time that word is valid - always been a source of upheaval as far as the emotional parts go.  Where I hoped for joy, and fun, and spending time with those I love, it was high anxiety, sullen frustration, and out and out feelings that presented themselvs as anger and hostility. My spouse appeared really cross.  He responded it was "always like this on the holidays.  Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.  Where to go.  Who to spend time with. Family stuff........."     I responded that it always did seem to be that way, and this year I was NOT going to allow that to  rule the way I spent my holidays.  AND, I was really glad he saw that, because I felt I have been struggling with it for years.

Oh, this relationship of mine is still in a precarious spot.  I want to be able to re-negotiate the rest of our lives.  That means some things gotta change.  Until that time presents itself, when I feel that is a possibility, I will continue to work on Liz.  And, enjoy the upcoming holidays!!!

Liz