Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Ugh I went back and it didn't go well by: Anonymous (not verified) 1 year 1 month ago

    Last night I ended it after reconciling for 3-4 months.  He had broken up with me impulsively because I raised a continuing concern in the relationship.  I've always attributed his conflict behaviors (gaslighting, blame shifting, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling) to RSD but have never been clear on if that's what it is or he just a narcissistic person.

    Anyway, he was stonewalling after a blowout and I texted him that our relationship is toxic and I want to release us both.  He read some of it and then I'm pretty sure blocked me.

    So I'm just going to push through the pain, I just needed to share.  I know this cycle has to stop and I have to stick with it. I felt strong in the past but it's hard to break the attachment.  It helps to remind myself of what the issues are.   We are majorly incompatible.

  • The ADHD Effect on Marriage in other languages by: laowailiubei 1 year 1 month ago

    Hello all,

    I am looking for The ADHD Effect on Marriage in the Chinese language to give to my wife.  Where can I find it in other languages?  

    Whilst it is too late to save the marriage itself, (truthfully I think the right time for me to have known my ADHD diagnosis, read this book, and begun working hard on changing myself was around 2016/17 so about 7 years too late) the book covers a lot of areas that will be helpful regarding ADHD relationships which other co-parenting manuals do not; communication, empathy, treatment, boundaries.  We need to co-parent our daughter amicably and if we are constantly at odds with each other that is not going to be good for our child.  

    (Hint: maybe Melissa Orlov could work on a version of this book specifically on co-parenting with ADHD in the future?)

    Edit: The link to a Chinese copy of the book says it has expired for the copyright contract so it isn't able to be sold.  I am happy to buy second-hand either physical or pdf version.  Just really want to keep to my promise to track down a Chinese version.  

  • The nagging cycle by: SW 1 year 1 month ago

    My wife has gotten a lot better in the last year or so with some of the aspects of her ADHD that were most problematic in our relationship, mainly since she got back on regular medication and we finally were able to have some (albeit very defensive) conversations about how ADHD was affecting things between us. But one thing that has not really budged at all is the nagging cycle we fall into. Here's how it goes..

    There's some task that needs to get done that only she can do, like getting a tax form from work. I will try to mention that I need it as early as I can, because otherwise she'll accuse me of springing it on her. Then time will go by and nothing will happen. I'll try to find some way to bring it back up and be as chill about it as possible, and she'll hand wave it away with some version of, "I'm going to do it./Stop bothering me./You have to let me do it in my own way." More time goes by (I'm talking weeks) and nothing. Eventually it will get to the point where there's no more waiting. The thing HAS to get done. I'll bring it up again, she'll accuse me of not trusting her, I'll ask what else she expects me to do, she'll get defensive, I'll get back - argument argument argument - and finally I'll just lean into fully expressing my frustration and she'll get the task done begrudgingly, furious the whole time that I'm a nag who's always trying to "manage" her.

    Today's blow up was about our son's dental insurance. We use her employer's dental insurance and for some reason he fell off the plan, so she needs to send an email to fix it. That's it. One email. His dentist appointment is Saturday. I mentioned this to her two months ago. I mentioned it again a month ago. I brought it up last week. Nothing, nothing, nothing while the whole time I'm being told to leave her alone, she's so busy, she'll get it done, go away. Finally we fought about it because I have another couple days to cancel or move the appointment. I keep saying, "What else do you expect me to do?" If I didn't bring these things back up, I don't think she'd ever mention them again.

    I wish I could engage her about some strategy we could agree on together, but she won't even acknowledge the issue. She doesn't see it. She just thinks she has a naggy husband who won't accept that she operates differently, or who is always picking the worst time to mention anything.

    Worst of all, she doesn't understand how this erodes trust. She can't seem to have any idea why this cycle would make me not trust that if I ask her to do something, I don't always believe it's going to get done. And furthermore, if I ever indicate that's how I feel, then it's as if I'M the one who's done something horribly wrong. That MY lack of trust is a sign that I am failing in the marriage.

    I'm guessing some of you are familiar with the cycle. I can't even begin to tell you how many times we've been through it. Has anyone found a strategy that's helpful at all? Or a way to broach the conversation that doesn't immediately spark a vicious defensiveness?

    Hope you and yours are all well.

    SW

  • Why is he so bad when everything else is? by: Dagmar 1 year 2 months ago

    Is it normal for the person with ADHD to be horrible in a crisis?   Not only is my husband terrible in a bad situation, but he often makes it worse.   I was just talking with someone the other day about how I was dying in the hospital after having my first child and he thought it was appropriate to joke with the nurse that I was just faking it. Yes, the nurse took him seriously and yes, I could have had a stroke.   Or the time we had issues with a contractor and he decided I was being irrational and he and the contractor forced me (by badgering constantly for three days) to sign a document saying that I was satisfied with the work (we needed that to release funds from the bank), and then a few weeks later our brand-new porch fell apart in the rain and we had to sue and got a lot less money because. . . wait for it. . . the contractor had a document saying that I was satisfied with the work.  

    It's like this with every bad situation.   I don't know if it's because I'm the rock and every time he sees me as vulnerable he wants to have the upper hand, or if he just panics and does the wrong thing.  Then it sets us off in a cycle.   He does the bad thing, I'm furious, but also in a place where I can't leave him at that moment because of financial or stress issues, I dig myself out of the situation and by that time, he's fine.  He's apologized and things are back to normal except that a few months earlier he did some thing that I would have left him for on the spot if we were just dating and not married.   And the things add up.  

    Right now we have been in dire financial straits for years, basically because I have been trying to get him to actually do something about it, instead of killing myself to keep up with his irresponsibility.  That didn't work, and I just had to get a new job.  I slowly started taking the steps to get myself in a place where we can divorce.  And he didn't even understand that I had to get the job because of him.   He's like "oh, you wanted more stuff to do so you could keep a better schedule."  No, I got a job that would lead to a new career in about three years (it's grant-funded, so it has an expiration date). 

    Guess what happened. After years of begging him to get a new job that would pay him better (and let's face it, he has ADHD - he's probably gotten bored and complacent at that job and it's not going to get better.  He should be switching jobs more often, but instead he overstays his welcome and gets laid off.)   For the first time in our 27 years together, he updated his resume when he still had a job.   We will see if he actually applies to something.   I should be happy, but I'm kind of annoyed that I decided he would never change and I had to go and he changed.  And that's why we've been together for so long.  I decide that I've had enough and he switches gears.  But he never does it before it's too late.   We are now not putting groceries on credit cards and NOW he decides to get a new job? 

    Why can't he do the right thing when things are bad?  Why?

  • ADHD Anonymous? by: Goodsign 1 year 2 months ago

    I am looking for a support group for spouses of ADHD. It was recommended to me that I find a 12-step program, but I don't feel like the codependent group is right for me. Does anyone know of an online support group for non ADHD spouses?

     

  • Friendship post divorce by: Swedish coast 1 year 2 months ago

    After thinking I had lost the entire relationship with my ADD ex-husband soon-to-be, this weekend I managed to turn things around. Still living with me, and having hurt me badly, he has done nothing to make the last weeks bearable. He hasn't taken initiatives to prepare for the separation either. I've been in agony. Thursday, I decided to go against the impulse to run away for the weekend. Instead I decided to sit down with him, be kind despite everything, and suggest a plan. It worked.

    Sure, we're splitting our home, but we've now been working together all weekend on it. All belongings have been divided, even the silliest ones. There was even some joking. Gratitude expressed on both sides. All kinds of little kindnesses. At times crying and hugging. 

    This autumn has been the strangest time so far. I'm exhausted today, from the sheer physical act of turning things around. Happy too. Not so deep into thinking of how futile everything has been.

    Everything is simultaneously true. I privately think he's more or less ruined my life. I feel the deepest connection with him. He is someone I can trust, and not at all. We are each other's support, and threaten each other's health. I might know him so well, and still have no idea of his thoughts, or what his future life might be like.

    Im hoping for a friendship that will sheath our children. It's more important than my pride or sense of justice. 

    Only a couple of weeks ago I thought I could never forgive him. Now, such thoughts seem beside the point. It's all about moving along with things, as my woman friend the chaos pilot said. Adapting to reality seems to gain you a strange quality. It's vulnerable. It is also surprisingly attractive. A new version of self is coming forward.

    Thank you dear community for the sharing of thoughts and emotions. It helps me immensely to put this into words.

  • What happens when a covert narcissist controls a person with ADD/ADHD? by: skippylongstock 1 year 2 months ago

    Has anyone experienced a covert narcissist controlling and manipulating someone with ADD/ADHD(dx or ndx)?

    I'm looking for advice as my recent ex partner has this happening to her but she is either oblivious to it or not willing to accept it and going along with it, I'm aware that she is the only one who can come to the realisation and take the first steps to make any changes . I shared that I had the realisation that her mum is a covert narcissist and shared evidence to back up my findings, after her mum broke us up with her lies and smear campaign about me.

    I'm still deeply in love with my ex (I was planning on proposing and we were going to be buying a house before she unexpectedly broke up with me after spending a night at her mums house after an argument) I mainly just want her to be safe and away from being controlled and manipulated. 

    Any personal experience with a (covert) narcissistic parent to a child with ADD/ADHD? Any advice on what to do or not do? 

  • Ex- husband using ADHD post- divorce diagnosis to gain sympathy and slander me by: nefun76 1 year 2 months ago

    I mentioned early this year that my ex ADHD husband cheated on me with a mutual friend after claiming to be to be traveling  on business but went to meet her and she helped him file for an international divorce.

    He has been using his new ADHD diagnosis to gain sympathy from our family and friends and exonerate himself from his hurtful behavior while painting me as a villain and I that I emotionally abused him

    meanwhile his co- dependency on me was extreme . He uses my strength and capacity for his own survival.  He suffers from acute RSD too and every criticism is an attack. He was very envious of me and felt my business success then intimidated  him. Ironically I was extremely supportive of all his businesses, he set up 5 businesses in 15yrs, took on huge loans and was deep in debt . I took on a lot of financial responsibilities  and also raised and cared for kids and household alone. I stopped expecting his help because it was too exhausting always also him to do things which clearly needed to be done . He only did things that interested him, either he's in front of the TV, in the bedroom or in the study's. The roof could come down and he would not flinch

    My biggest hurt now is that though  he has acknowledged his ADD and the huge impact on it on the failed marriage , he refuses to acknowledge the pain and agony  I went through and even says I deserve it. He's so resentful  and bitter especially because he has to pay child support . He wanted to start a new life with his mistress and make no commitments to the children. 

    He has such a huge victim mentality and because  he seems easy going and reserved , many people only se this. I don't bother because those those that matter  know the truth 

    I am about to get order against him now because  he's becoming an emotional liability to our teenage daughter, trying to win her over to his side and telling her it's better to come from a broken home than a toxic home. He's so emotionally irresponsible  and immature  

  • Rejection Sensitivity and Codependence, Oh My by: Bridgewater 1 year 2 months ago

    20+ years of marriage to an ADHD spouse who was just diagnosed about 3 years ago. We have 3 kids who are all teenagers now and still at home. My husband was unemployed for about 6 years and has been employed in a good job for a few years now. He is very smart, creative and talented, and his contributions at work are really appreciated. We have a lot of very typical dynamics in play in our marriage, most notably what I have seen termed the "pursuit-retreat" pattern. This pattern is typical for *anything* that is asked of him outside of his job. He does not do things around or outside the house that were formerly in his wheelhouse (he is very handy and good at repairing things and getting good deals). He spends his time outside of work resting in bed, playing with the kids and overwhelmingly on screens. No exaggeration, nothing in the "adulting" category gets done unless I ask about it, repeatedly (which no longer works at all), he just pretends it doesn't exist. He is very protective and defensive of his downtime and will hurt me verbally if I say anything about him getting up at noon on the weekends and starting his day at 1pm or bringing up stuff that needs to be addressed while he's 'resting'. So we have a couple of cars literally on the verge of breaking down because they are never maintained and another broken down one blocking the garage door so we can't use the garage!! We also have a front yard fence that's falling over, a deck that's falling off the side of the house, mice in the house, etc. This is not the way I would ever choose to live! I find it embarrassing also as we live in a wonderful, close-knit neighborhood where people lovingly care for their homes.

    When I press him on something he will say he doesn't feel like doing it and will get angry, make some cutting remarks, and will quickly retreat with his online meditation and headphones to bed. He's very fragile and his world has really shrunk to the size of his safe zone. He is essentially a hermit who talks to almost no one outside the house (and he works from home full time....). He will go to great lengths to avoid having to talk to anyone and is extremely suspicious of people. This is despite him naturally being a pretty upbeat person who formerly showed a real interest in talking with people! The kids and I are very involved in a few different groups/communities and despite being invited, he chooses not to participates in any of it. So it's always me and the kids outside the house while he stays home.

     It's gotten to the point where there is literally no way I can ask that results in him doing the thing, despite him being adamant that it's the way that I ask that is the problem. In other words, it's MY FAULT actually that nothing gets done. He does not admit to his deficiencies, ever. He acts like he is infallible which is a big part of the problem. We have certainly not raised our kids to be like that so he's like that literally in the midst of working through disagreements, apologies, grace, etc. in our household. The kids are now old enough to see the irony and all I can do is say, everyone makes their own choices and we all make poor choices sometimes. They now are beginning to really understand the impact of mental health on everyday life and relationships as they bear the brunt of the dysfunction of the ADHD and RSD quite frequently and they lived through 6 yrs of daddy being out of work while they were old enough to really know what was going on. It's nothing horrible or abusive, just Daddy not acting according to the standards that I have set for their behavior and generally acting more childish than they do!

    I spent way too much time and energy thinking about his problems and deficiencies (like loss of family ties and friends).

    This is all to paint a picture of where we are at. Yes, he is employed and for that I am deeply grateful, every day. But this guy is a shell of a person. He has no hobbies, no zest for life, gets increasingly isolated as time goes on, and above all, will not hear about any of it, no matter how lovingly communicated, from me. He has shut me out completely. His top priority in life, based on his actions and emotions, seems to be the pursuit of comfort. And the avoidance of anything hard, challenging or unpleasant. 

    I have to focus on what *I* can do at this point. I starting reading "Codependent No More" and am very excited about it. I so badly want to be free from these feelings of anxiety and worrying about him. I want to learn how to "lovingly detach" from all of this while still living in the same house. I have to think that others have experienced this. I would love any advice on how to proceed in a HEALTHY manner. I do not want to get divorced at this point, or really at any point. Although I'm not excited about our marriage, I don't feel that feeling of having to get out, either. It would destroy our family and our kids are doing remarkably well, all things considered.

    What does detaching lovingly look like on a daily basis, when you are stuck in the house together most of the time? How do I start to carve out my own healthy space and remember who I used to be apart from all of this?

  • The "C2J Talk" (Come to Jesus) - how to have it?? by: Off the roller ... 1 year 2 months ago

    Non-ADHD spouse here. Its been a tough few years. I know this is not where I envisioned myself to be at this stage of my life and I'm understanding and learning how to make changes so that in 5 years (or whenever) I'm still not in this same spot. 

    However, all signs are pointing to a hard, but badly needed, Come To Jesus Talk - you know, the one talk where you gotta lay it on the table because you realise that it's not only the unmanaged ADHD, but also includes unmanaged anxiety and depression. And its permeated your (My, as the non-adhder) entire life , its affected and changed the kids, and you've had enough. It's time to press the reset button or its time for you, the non-adhder, to make changes that potentially have a destruction element to to them because you know you can't live like this anymore. 

    There's a great article post by Melissa in this forum that's aimed towards getting through to the men with ADHD and who thinks it doesn't matter that they aren't getting treatment. And i recently listened to a Dr John delony podcast with him speaking to a man who said he couldnt live up to his wife's expectations, but when Dr John dived further, found that the man really didn't listen and forgot the whole point of his marriage and life: you gotta love yourself first and you're worthy more than your paycheck. 

    I'm considering send those both to my hubsand as a must-read and then forcing him to talk to me about it. I've already written a letter to him, he gave out to me because I hand wrote it and he has dyslexia so it felt like he was more pissed I expected to actually read what I wrote, we've never spoken about my letter again. And the kicker is his best friend wrote him a letter too, typed out, more pages than mine....and he spoke with his friend about his letter but ignored mine. 

    (As I type that above, I'm wondering if I should make a list of all the big things that have hurt me so badly and how they aren't acceptable to me to treat me like this - but they are acceptable bc I've accepted them, right?...i struggle with this on the daily) 

    I genuinely understand that we have changed, as a couple and individually, it's normal and should be welcomed, but I'm at the point that something has to give and change for our relationship or we need to choose a different path that perhaps doesn't involve each other. Talking to him is beyond frustrating - it gets no where. No amount of calmness, finding the right moment...anything ever helps any point of communication between us. For every topic. It's so upsetting. I just want my husband back and I want a partner. I signed up for that. But what I living is not in line with who I am, what I about or my values- I know this.... so I'm wondering if any of you have had The Talk and how you best went about it. 

    Everyone's situation is different, I know, but for those of us as the non-adhd (or executive functioning or over functioning person)...when you know you've had enough and you need the roller coaster to STOP, and pause.... how did you do it?? 

     

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