Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Got abruptly dumped by my girlfriend (with ADHD) after getting close to engagement by: sarge99 1 year 2 months ago

    Hello all,

    Thank you for reading my post...

    My girlfriend and I , no kids, and in our 40s and early 50s, were getting to close to engagement. Families like each other and supporting the marriage. Out of nowhere I (don't have adhd) got dumped by my gf.  Her rationale was that starting a new job after not working for 9 months, was too much to handle with a relationship and that her inability to communicate effectively (forgetfulness, inability to follow up, etc) was also upsetting me - which she didn't like but of course couldn't or wouldn't change the behavior. 
     

    we have been broken up for a week, no contact. Any thoughts on the situation or what I should do.

     

    thanks,

    Sarge

     

     

  • Name Calling by: HotChocolateCup 1 year 2 months ago

    This is my first post here. My husband is not diagnosed but both he and I believe he has ADHD. I'm trying to deal with symptoms, one being hurtful name calling when he gets frustrated. This applies to both me and his mom. For example, two days ago we were going to go pick up our car from the shop. I had asked him if he had his wallet, and then got distracted by putting our dogs outside. As we walked into the garage I asked him again if he had his wallet and he responded "Are you okay?" And I was like "Yeah, I am..." not realizing I had asked the question twice. He proceeds to think something is seriously wrong with me mentally just because of a simple distraction. I try to explain to him why I had asked the question and that I think it's a normal human response and all of a sudden he's on the defense saying I was being a jerk and for taking things the wrong way (which maybe I was?) but all the while saying I don't think it's rude to ask a question twice and it doesn't mean that I'm not listening to you, I was simply doing a couple things at once. Anyway this escalated his behavior where he says "well if you think that, you're an idiot!" 

    He's called me and his mom idiot, crazy, stupid, unintelligent, unattractive, jerk in instances where I feel I am trying to handle the situation in a calm and mature way and just because I'm not thinking the same way he is he thinks that's the only logical conclusion. Anyway, the name calling is hard on the self esteem and I feel is highly disrespectful behavior to me and his mom. I've told him I don't tolerate name calling, but he just justifies that "well that is the only thing I could do because of the way you were treating me!" It's even more hurtful when 15 minutes later, he's seemingly processed all these negative emotions away and comes to me saying "I love you" and all I can do is stare at him like....do you even realize what an emotional bomb you just dropped and you think I'm okay literally 15 minutes after that? It blows my mind.

    With this context, what boundaries can I set to actually help combat this barrage of hurtful names? Anyone experiencing the same

  • New here but desparate by: ADHDrsdmess 1 year 2 months ago

    Hello. I am new to this forum. I have ADHD that comes with some pretty severe RSD. (rejection sensitive dysphoria) I feel like these things are ruining my life and my marriage. I have a great team of healthcare professionals and a wonderful therapist. I take my medication faithfully and eat right and exercise and go to therapy regularly. My husband and I see a marriage therapist as well. I am doing all the things, but am feeling very hopeless because it doesn't seem to be making a difference (mostly in my marriage). In my opinion, my husband has ADHD as well, but he has never been diagnosed. He is not the type that goes to the doctor unless he is dying. In the past year, I have been able to get him to attend some therapy sessions alone with our marriage therapist. He will go a few times, and then he stops. He thinks that he can handle whatever it is on his own, and that he doesn't need to continue therapy. We have been married for almost 15 years. I love my husband very much, and am trying everything in my power to make this family work. He and our relationship is a top priority for me. I feel so discouraged because it doesn't seem to be that way for him. I am starting to question if he loves me. It certainly seems like I love him more than he loves me. When I express hurt feelings because he doesn't seem to want to spend time, or ignores my invitations to spend time together, it makes him angry. He does not communicate his needs or plans with me. He doesn't express his feelings or thoughts on things. I am either guessing or asking a lot of questions to figure it out, which also makes him mad at me. He seems to constantly be on the defensive, but tells me that it is my fault because of the way that I approach him. I have tried a lot of different approaches, but they all are met with the same defensiveness and irritation. It is so discouraging to just want to be close to the person you love the most, but they treat you like you are constantly attacking them. I feel like I am constantly asking for his attention and affection. I am the only one initiating sex and my self esteem is pretty much down the toilet. I get told that I am crazy or insane, and that I am the problem. I am doing everything I know to do to fix myself and be healthy and emotionally stable, but it seems impossible. I feel like my brain is broken and un-fixable. Any emotional support I get comes from my parents or close friends. I am so tired of calling on them for the support I need. I am just so tired of all this in general. I am to the point that I want to just be someone else. I don't like myself and I don't know that any amount of pills, exercise, or therapy is going to fix that. I don't want to love my husband anymore. It is just too painful. I feel trapped because I have given up my financial independence to spend more time with my kids. Working part time and trying to go back to school doesn't leave enough money for me to just separate from him and get a place of my own. I put him through school for the first 8 years of our marriage, and now I feel like my choice to pursue my dreams and goals now was a mistake. Housing costs are out of control and I just can't afford a place of my own right now, even though I feel like that is what I need a lot of the time. I have expressed my needs and asked for just 30-45 minutes a day of him trying to make me feel important to him, but I guess that is too much to ask for? I don't know anymore if I really am the problem or not. I believe that marriage takes two and that one person can't be responsible for 100% of the issues in a relationship. I can't make him change or feel a certain way about me. I can't make him realize that some of these issues are his and not mine. No one is perfect, and we all mess up. At least I know what my issues are and I am trying to deal with them. I want to be happy, but feel more like I am on an emotional roller coaster most of the time. How do I get off of this ride? It is making me sick.

  • Something that helped me this weekend by: brindle2 1 year 2 months ago

    Hello, all.  

    The last time I posted an update, I said I was doing pretty well.  And I was.  I had been doing pretty well for awhile, despite any real change in our marriage and definitely no change in his adhd management.  Plus the adhd kids we have here add another layer of adhd stuff.  But I was doing alright, for quite awhile.  I thought I had figured some things out, solved some things.  Turns out - no.  I am TIRED of the struggle.  Soooo sick of it.  But I am not leaving, so neither is the struggle.    

    This past weekend, it came to a head for me.  And I was in - is depair too strong of a word?  I have done a LOT of emotional work on myself.  I have gotten rid of so much bitterness and feeling so jaded.  That is hard work and worth it.  But it is also constant, because when you live in the face of the never-changing chaos and damaging ways of relating, you can't let your guard down.  Instead I have a cycle of trying to distance myself and then falling apart with needs, and then trying to detach and then being sucked back in, and then focusing on other parts of life and then feeling lonely in those pursuits... And I got so frustrated with the stupid cycle this weekend.  And frustrated with myself for not being able to just settle in somehow and not be in the cycle anymore. 

    So, this weekend I went on an internet searching spree.  And I found something that is associated with aspergers relationships, but it also *really* fits what so many of us are facing in longterm adhd marriages that have seen little or no change, especially the highly dysfunctional ones.  It is called Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome.  Here are some pieces of an article:

    (From https://psychcentral.com/autism/feeling-invisible-in-the-asperger-world :)

    "In a relationship between an AS and a non-AS person, the non-AS person may feel like they’re not having their needs met or feel ignored on an emotional level. They may feel like they don’t matter and are invisible to their AS loved one."

    That's a whole lot of us.  Just trade AS for ADHD. 

    And another quote:

    "lack of emotional reciprocity

    unable to show their empathy or compassion

    may not be skilled at seeing another’s point of view

    miss nonverbal emotional cues

    may not recognize the consequences of their own actions

    struggles with impulse control and emotional regulation

    may not learn from experience

    lack the ability to assess complex personal situations

    don’t understand how their actions affect others"

    Those are a lot of overlaps with what we experience in our marriages.  Maybe our spouses don't struggle as deeply or profoundly in those areas as an asperger person does, but they do have a number of these struggles to varying degrees.  And perhaps that list stems from other adhd reasons, or additional diagnoses, or insecurities, rather than asperger reasons, but the list can apply to both.  From this list, I see my husband in most of the items, while feeling  fully confident that he doesn't have aspergers.  Some of those he will even tell you himself that he is aware he can't do those things.  

    Then I read about the effects this has on the neurotypical spouse longterm.  Ahem.  Do I really need to list those?  We list those all the time!  And we talk about how we feel about ourselves.  We doubt our value and it affects our very core over time.  That is exactly what these articles and podcasts discussed - the longterm emotional damage done to spouses of asperger  folks because there isn't reciprocal relationship.  That's my dynamic here.  Plus all the one-sided nature of who carries the majority of responsibilities, which also takes an emotional toll.  

    It was all so validating and really hit home that I cried in relief and devoured hours of reading and podcasts about this.  It may be silly, but I needed to read that the issue is that it is "ongoing."  I mean, I already knew it was.  But I kept thinking that somehow I could find a way to see my marriage that would "click" and make it easier to carry.   Make the cyclical emotional mess go away.  I just needed a point of view!  A perspective!  A category!  It would help!  There must be a solution!  No.  The cycle is there because it keeps happening while I am merely trying to cope as well as I can.  

    Labels can drive me crazy.  Do we have to have a clinical name for everything these days?   Labels sometimes hurt and get in the way, but I have to say that this label helped me see that the cycle isn't my fault.  It is the natural outcome to the relationship dynamic I have.  It takes the pressure off of me and the blame of "why can't you just accept it all already?!" that plays in my head.  It is perfectly normal to have needs that resurface when they are not met.  
     

  • ADHD and narcasissm by: steste123123 1 year 2 months ago

    Hi, I'm new to this forum, so please be gentle. I'm trying to get all this down, so hope it makes sense

    I'm a 54 year old male, and have been living with my girlfriend (53yo) for the last 3 years, and been together for the past 4 years.

    We met on match.com. I can say that I had the feeling she had already fallen for me before we even met, just from our chatting on match.com, as I'd tried to cancel the date as I knew she was taller than me (superficial I know). She insisted we meet still. On our first date, she was incredibly attentive, and it felt very full on. She touched my face after 10 minutes of meeting, and asked me if I wanted to f*** her after about an hour. This question was totally out of the blue, as we'd just met and were having a normal conversation (smalltalk). We saw each other virtually ever day after the first date and it seemed to progress at an alarming speed. The sex was amazing, and she made me feel like a king. I was totally blown away. This lasted for around 6 months.

    She could never sit still, she wouldn't watch TV and was always on the go. She was very excitable, to which I fell in love with.

    The relationship was superb for around 3 or 4 weeks, (we were living separately at the time) which is when she had her first "incident", which seemed minor, and aimed at her son (21 years old at the time), not me. He had sucked up damp wallpaper into "henry" vacuum, which had gone smelly. She went ballistic at this, in front of me, and made her son go out and buy a new vacuum cleaner.  After this had calmed down, everything was fine for a couple of weeks..

    Next "incident" she was chatting about her wages, to which I'd commented that her wages were pretty good. She went ballistic again for no apparent reason, shouting at me and saying "you're taking the pi55". I walked out of her house at this as I couldn't believe how she had reacted. She followed me and shouted for me to come back, to which I did.

    These "incidents" carried on every couple of weeks, which would send me down. It would take me a few days to bounce back to my normal happy self. Seemed to be a roller coaster of ups and downs. The arguments were horrendous, and I felt like she'd twisted and manipulated things I said in general conversation just to cause chaos. I walked away from her many times as I'm not good at arguing. 

    She moved in with me at the start of covid lockdown (2020). Her son was still living in her house at the time, and I feel he was glad to see her go. This roller coaster of a relationship gradually got worse and worse with her control, jealousy, anger outbursts and gaslighting for seemingly irrelevant things. It felt like the reaction outweighed the cause of every "incident". She is very possessive over her belongings, and I felt like I was one of those "belongings" too. She would "expect" me to pay for everything including holidays etc but there would always be some sort of "tantrum" where her anger would come out, especially if she got overwhelmed.

    When we met, I knew there was something different about her, and I think this is what attracted me to her. She would admit she was different, and used to say "I'm a nightmare, you won't be able to handle me". I brushed this off at the time. She'd told me her ex husband used to beat her up, to which I later found out later was a lie. She'd also told me she'd failed all her exams at school but passed her math and English in her 20s, to which I later found out she'd got a friend to take the exam for her. Last year she did an online degree for dyslexia and behavioral problems. She's asked me to read through her work before she handed it in. The content, grammar and punctuation were awful, and I virtually re-wrote the whole dissertation. She is working as a teaching assistant, but she'd come home many times asking me questions about the subjects she'd been "teaching" at school. I tried to help her as much as possible, but the answerers never seemed to "go in".

    Throughout the relationship, I had the feeling she had ADHD, but she's always deny this, but she would say she feels she's different, and thinks different to other people. She was very controlling, she couldn't stand it if plans changed, she gaslit me (downplaying things she'd said in anger), very jealous, and would throw a tantrum if things were not done as she wanted. The sex died out totally around 6 months ago, partly down to me as I no longer felt any connection to her as she'd verbally attacked me so many times, and partly down to her as she was always on her phone (stalking my ex girlfriends on facebook etc) I had no interest in any of my exes, but she knew exactly what they were up to.

    2 weeks prior to us splitting, we'd seen a counselor, who'd confirmed to my partner and myself that I was in an abusive relationship. I was surprised at her saying this. She'd also said she could see no hope to the relationship.

    6 weeks ago, we had a massive final row again, over her control and constant lying, since the split it has left me feeling bewildered and confused, and wondering if I am a narcissist and could have done more to save the relationship. The breakup was really messy, and she was furious (not sad). She'd called her parents, to which I though she was going to live. I later found out that her father had refused to have her at his house (he has the space), as he said her antics would give her father and mother heart attacks. She moved in with her sister, to which she lasted 2 days, and they'd had a massive row and she moved out.

    Since us splitting up, she's followed me on strava (athletics app), blocked me on strava, then unblocked me on strava. Blocked me on all social media, whattsapp etc. 

    I feel that although things were so volatile between us, we did so much together, and can't help but miss her. Completely stupid of me, I know

    Reason for writing all this is if anyone can shed some light to what I've been through, I would really appreciate it. I still feel I love her, but don't (if that makes sense). Are ADHD and narcissistic tendencies connected? I have the inability to move on at the moment. Every one seems "flat" in comparison.   

  • ADHD and sex by: BurnedOutLady 1 year 2 months ago

    I am wondering how many other spouses of ADHD partners experience problems in sex stemming from ADHD. It has been a revelation to me that my problems with my husband are connected to this. It seems he is either hyper focusing, or his attention wanders from me. He seems to get very consumed with his own sensations, and the connection to me drops. This is similar to what happens often in daily life. He is unaware that the connection has dropped in all cases. During sex this is particularly weird for me. I felt he was being unloving and selfish. I would get angry and feel that he could continue on having sex with me even if I was asleep. But now I think it is the ADHD. He just gets lost in himself and his sensations. Also there is a problem with him connecting to and reading emotional cues. Maybe this is also why he initiates sex really at the worst possible moments and continues even though I am not giving him the feedback cues that I also am interested. So I have to outright say no. Then he feels rejected. Anyone else have these kinds of experiences? Any insights? I wonder if I can get him to hyperfocus on me during sex so he doesn't lose his attention to me. It would require him really putting aside his own experience to a degree. 

  • Abuse by: Swedish coast 1 year 2 months ago

    The subject of abuse has come up repeatedly on the forum lately.

    I am taught to draw a sharp line at physical violence. That is unacceptable.

    The thing is, about other ways of causing pain, I'm not certain how to differ abuse from non-abuse. For instance, a non-ADHD partner keeping a cautious distance, letting distaste show, not being in love, seems to be devastating to the partner's self-esteem and even health. Voicing needs, with increasing tone of voice over time when needs are never met, causes conflict and deep-felt chronic stress in the ADHD partner. Is that abuse?

    The ADHD partner on the other hand, acting out disorganization, inattentiveness and rejection sensitivity dysphoria subjects the partner to severe chronic stress too. Is that abuse?

    If one partner dominates the other by aggression I feel that is very disturbing. That I would classify as abuse. One partner would need protection. But in relationships where there is more of equal power but ADHD symptoms cause extreme levels of distress? Are spin-off reactions to that stress abusive? 

    I know from childhood and from my professional life that we're all capable of rather uncivilized behavior. The nicest person can act ugly in extreme emotional distress. How hurtful something is doesn't necessarily depend on how socially unacceptable it is. So disrespectful speaking? Yelling? Throwing things? Is that the real problem? Is it abuse?

    I'm not sure of this and I'd like to hear your thoughts.

  • 10 year Anniversary but uncertain future by: StrugglingwithADHD 1 year 2 months ago

    I was diagnosed a couple years ago but didn't realize the depths of ADHD until more recently. I haven't seen it described like this a lot, but I am an addict to dopamine. If an activity didn't excite me I didn't do it, that means the kids time with my wife, didn't matter. I was emotionally abusive to my wonderful wife for years. I resented my kids because my ADHD symptoms didn't obviously manifest until my second child was born. After that I couldn't manage my work and the stress of having a mortgage and family threw me into near suicidal depression. I started to get on some meds after I was diagnosed, but have heart issues so I can't be on stimulants in the past year. Fast forward to last summer. My wife and the kids had the opportunity to work for a friend for the summer where my wife is from. She and the kids left in June I visited once, then came back. In Sept she comes up with a reason to stay another couple of weeks. Which turns into a month and then she tells me they're not coming back because she likes the work and their life is calmer without my chaotic presence. During this time I've been dialing in my meds and things are looking better. Then I lose my full time well paying job to a near full company lay-off in November. I feel abandoned without support after the layoff. Things are a roller coaster from November to June of this year. We nearly have to sell the house because I can't find a job, but I find a program to help us get by. I still haven't found a full time job. I have a couple of small clients and other side work to make the bare minimum work. All this time she's resentful because I can't send much money for her to take care of the kids, but her job is giving her a place ot live and utilities. She got on the stat food assistance program to cover most of that. I'm advocating for us to live together since I'm doing better with my meds, but she's too scared to.

    Her and the kids fly here in June and I have them while she does a weeklong job gig. It's the first time I've had the kids solo for more than a day. But since I've straightened out my med situation it's good. We have a great time. So she flys back and I keep the kids for 3 more weeks. Which also goes great. Me and the kids fly back in July and I stay with them for a month. SHe's mostly distant but then opens up a bit. She's afraid to be emotionally and physically vulnerable with me. She's hardened and not empathetic to my situation, she seems to feel that I purposely don't have a job. I've never been out of work like this before. 

    So, we're having money issues, she wants to live there with the kids, I don't want to live there as I hate cold winters. While I was there things went up and down. We were cuddling but no sex, no kissing. She finally admitted she was uncomfortable so I got a plane ticket to leave. I'm not back in my home state and our 10 year anniversary is at the end of this month. 

    I don't know what to do with the anniversary and the relationship in general. I know she wants to work through it, but she seems resistant to actually doing it. I don't know how to get past this. How to get her to forgive me for the way I treated her. It feels like I was a different person. I told her I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her, but she can't tell me how. I know I need to get a job, but I'm struggling finding a remote job like I've had for the past 10 years, which is going to tie me here and give me limited ability to see them. I was seeing a therapist, but can't afford it now. I feel like I'm floundering. She sees that I've changed now that I'm on meds, but it's not enough.

    I'm not sure where to go from here.

  • How do I hold husband accountable & not get so angry when he brings up spending time together & then doesn’t follow through? by: djst86 1 year 2 months ago

    As I write this I'm yet again in a scenario that has been the most common theme and reoccurring argument my husband and I have had for years. Just a quick side note, we both were diagnosed with ADHD as adults, about 2 years apart, and after being married for around 5 years. The argument is he will suggest spending some quality time together after our kids go to bed and that typically means watching a show we like together or being intimate. The point in the evening where we have adult time will roll around and either he or I will be too tired because it is late and instead of him getting stuff he needed to/wanted to get done before our quality time together, he's lost track of time in his reading or some show he was watching or scrolling on his phone. I will have been getting things I needed to get done before our adult time in anticipation we were going to get to spend time together and when the time rolls around I feel like I've now had this expectation not met and feel rejected and then I get mad bc it feels like I'm not important enough to him when I made sure to get my stuff done around the house so that I could be present for him and now when I bring it up I feel like I'm guilting him into spending time with me and he sees me disappointed and frustrated which makes him feel bad but then he gets defensive and in turn becomes mad at me for being disappointed he didn't follow through with plans HE asked for or suggested! That makes me even more angry and I tell him that's some messed up manipulation tactic to not take accountability and at that point it becomes a full blown argument and then he will just start agreeing with me or he will say,"yes, I do want to spend time together and when I said I wanted to make those plans I meant it but I just got tired and now you're mad at me, again that I am too tired." It also feels like he's being super selfish because he knew the expectation/plan he made that was set and agreed upon and he made enough time to do what he wanted to beforehand and now he doesn't have any desire or energy for me. I know all issues with ADHD and prioritizing time because I fall victim to that myself or saying I'm going to do something and forgetting but he knows this particular issue of doing that in this situation with me makes me feel as I've brought it up over and over but he keeps doing it. Which just feels like I get my hopes up just to be disappointed and it feels like only his time and needs are priorities and not mine at all. He's even brought it up when suggested spending time together and I've said you know how this makes me feel when it all falls apart, not due to uncontrollable circumstances or something and he makes all the promises in that moment it won't happen again and I of course believe him and then get told I'm being dramatic or too needy when the cycle happens again. I feel like my expectations are the bare minimum, if you say you're going to do something do it, if not then communicate something has changed but to make the change of not wanting to spend time together bc you rather continue doing your own thing just feels selfish. I just feel like not getting upset and telling myself, "it's not personal, he wants to make you feel like a priority but his ADHD caused him to lose track of time and he's going to feel guilty knowing he disappointed you again" that's been an excuse I've been telling myself for too long. I know how bad it feels to not follow through with something and disappointing myself or others so knowing he experiences those same feelings with this situation will sometimes make me just ignore it and let it go and keep my disappointment to myself but that also leads to me doing that too many times and then I finally blow up. I'm so tired of this feeling let down and like I'm excusing hurtful behavior. I don't know how much more I can communicate that and it seem to fall on deaf ears because nothing changes. I can't lower my expectations anymore than the bare minimum they already are at which just makes me mad to even type that. I'm asking for breadcrumbs of quality time together. Don't even get me started on the mental stress this causes for me when the quality time is suppose to involve physical intimacy...that becomes an additional layer to bringing up insecurities too. Is it just accept this is an ADHD symptom or don't accept it? That feels defeating if so. 

  • Plz help me understand my friend with ADHD by: 66DegreesNorth 1 year 2 months ago

    Hello Everyone. I have a dear friend with ADHD whom I see almost every day walking our dogs. I'm the non-ADHD person. I'm trying to understand how ADHD affects her communication and also some behaviors. She is a dear friend but sometimes I feel exhausted after spending time with her and trying to figure out what her point is. Sometimes what she says or does feels rude but I don't think that is her intention. So here are some questions I have. Feel free to focus on one or two or as many as you want. I value your sharing what you know. 

    1. She seems to go into all types of diversions in our conversations that I have to ignore to get to the kernel of what she is saying. She takes a very long time making a point. If I ask her a clarifying question, she goes in a whole new direction. I end up just listening to her various diversions bc it feels easier than trying to get her to focus. Sometimes I intentionally zone out bc of the weight of holding so much info. I must admit that often I prefer not to go on a walk with her bc it's so draining. I seriously don't want to tell her this bc I don't want to hurt her feelings. 

    2. Because of the above, it feels like she is dominating the conversation. Sometimes  I can't get a word in edgewise. Our conversations lack the give and take that characterize my conversations with other people. It almost feels like she is talking to listen to herself talk. I should say she is not always this way. Sometimes she asks my questions or gives me room to share. Our communication is esp triggering to me as it's similar to the conversations I had with my narcissistic mom.  My mom would dominate the conversation talking about herself, people she knew, etc. and wasn't really interested in me and my thoughts and feelings  

    3. Related to some of the above, it seems like she goes into so much detail explains things. An example is that when she is working on a house or garden project, she goes into every minute step along with why she made the decisions she did. There is so much detail that the description starts getting seriously boring.  I want to enjoy her accomplishments with her but all the detail kind of spoils it. And I am interested in her projects--she can do so many things that I can't and she is very creative. But sometimes I avoid asking her any questions bc I know the answer will be so long. 
    I've spent a lot of time on this site and I know there is a lot of wisdom here. Thanks for your help!

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