Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Thinking about a divorce 3 years old kid by: Satya 9 years 2 months ago

    Please  find below the last email I sent to my husband, we are married for 4 years with a 3 years old beautiful girl. He also has PTSD , anxiety and sometimes panic attacks, it is surreal, I have been trying for my daughter, but I am seriously thinking about leaving this relationship. 

    He just started adderall I am not sure why it is taking a while to work, I had really 3 days in a month!

    Is there anybody to give me some hope that things can get better with the right medicine? 

    > You have been a monster and attacking me all the time for stupid reasons. > > The medicine is not working and I am beyond unhappy. > > Please do not screw up with my Mon here as you favorite thing is to fuck up with my family, before you I really got along with everybody. My brother and I are the favorite for my mon's and daddy's side of the family, everybody loves me and my brother, because we always talk to everybody. > > Just like you screw up my car insurance and say that I am a bad driver when I have an outstanding record. > > I know deep inside you know you are the source of all problems , but won't admit because it is too painful to look how messed up your brain is. > > I fell you are not doing enough to save this marriage by trying to make things better, I understand you can change a f up life like yours overnight but I do not see any improvements. > > My week days are horrible my weekends are worse. I take care of Clara all by myself and I already feel like a single mother. > > Not to mention you do not ask anything about me or my day, that become irrelevant, I do not even exist in the relationship. > > Sex is not even in the list because for that to work I need to be mentally connect with a person and right now I am not connected to you at any level. > > I am full of resentment and anger trying to find drops of minutes of sanity in your brain.

     

     

  • So depressed... by: Poor excuse 4 a wife 9 years 2 months ago

    I have ADHD, diagnosed for over 10 years.  I take medication - I also have lupus.  These two things combined along with my general inability to fix anything are destroying my marriage. My husband is tired of me - and rightfully so.  We are living apart for the 2nd time, after being married 5 years.  We have 6 children between us, but none together.  I can't get it together.  He is tired of waiting for me to change.  Tired of my lack of follow through.  Tired.  I'm not suicidal, but I'm pretty damn close.  I don't want to live this chaotic life, but I don't know how to fix it.  We don't have the money for a coach, and our insurance doesn't cover it.  I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know how to swim.  I'm a smart woman - full scholarship to law school and great hyperfocus at times.  But I don't know how to be a wife, at least now the way my husband wants and deserves.  All I do is disappoint him (and myself).  

    I wish I was "normal", or at least understood normal, whatever that is.  I didn't even know I could feel this sad.  I'm not even sure why I'm posting, except that I can't just keep crying.  Maybe it is time to just get divorced and be alone.  I don't know anymore.

  • The Memory-Less System by: overwhelmedwife 9 years 2 months ago

    I don't know if it's ego or just the "here and now" belief and desire that "this time" will be different that causes them to not consider that the last time or many previous times, "their way," won't work.

     

    H consistently tries to carry in too much from the car at one time.  Too often, something gets dropped and broken.  Occasionally, he's able to carry in a lot, but the risk isn't worth it.   Who would carry 10 things and a baby if half the time you drop the baby??   (that is just an analogy).

     

    I can't tell you how many times glass jars or beverages have been dropped by H because he's carrying too much.  Today, we came into the house, I asked him where my drink was, and he sheepishly told me that he spilled both of our drinks (which were two DIFFERENT drinks) and then he proceeded to pour the remains of one drink into the other ((yuck) and tried to hand me this disgusting mix of iced tea and diet coke.  (how insane is that??).  I grabbed it and dumped it in the sink and certainly gave him a well-deserved rolling of my eyes.  I'm sure he thinks my reaction was bitchy, but hell, how many times have I told him not to carry too much at one time.  

     

    Each time I warn him, he angrily insists that he won't drop anything.  One time, at my mom's birthday party, my mom received some boxes of expensive fragile china and glassware.  H piled them about 8 boxes high (seriously) and wanted to carry them out for her.  I told him, "no, that is too much to carry at one time."   He insisted.  I told him that we couldn't afford to replace the items if he were to drop them.  He still insisted.  Thankfully, my mom overheard this conversation and said, "Those are my gifts, and you cannot carry that many at one time."   That forced H to put some down.  Otherwise, he stubbornly would have gone ahead, likely tripped on something he didn't see, and crashed a bunch of boxes.

     

    Now, will he learn from this?  I doubt it, because he hasn't learned from the 1000 other times this has happened.  This time it was just 2 drinks, but it's been an expensive Bose stereo one time, a brand new iPad, countless number of glass-jarred groceries, and numerous cartons of eggs.  These things aren't free.   One time he dropped a carton of eggs right in front of me, and seeing my reaction, quickly insisted that: "none of them broke."   Sure, I open the carton and there wasn't an intact egg in the bunch.   In his mind, "saying" that none broke makes it true.  (how insane is that?)  One time he insisted on carrying a large TV all by himself to our on's car.  H gets all the way to the car, but he was dragging the cord on the ground which caught on a tire causing a comedy-show-like fall, right into the side of the car, breaking the TV and putting a good sized dent in son's car.

     

    The "memory-less system" rears its ugly head all too often.  My guess is this is partly from poor parenting.  He wasn't adequately disciplined when he did this stuff as a child, and some of it is just "here and now" thinking.  

  • looking for ADHD specialist in San Diego by: Non-ADHD-Hubby 9 years 2 months ago

    My wife and I are reading Dr. Orlov's book and think we are missing a key building block; working with someone like a coach or therapist that specializes in ADHD. Upon looking into such we are having a difficult time finding a specialist in the area. We have tried using resources available through our current health care provider, Kaiser, but they have no specialists on staff apparently. We have been in contact with a few independent coaches but really have no idea who to pursue. Does anyone have any recommendations or referrals?  Thx!

  • It's Broken....Not! by: overwhelmedwife 9 years 2 months ago

    Anyone else experience this?

     

    I can't tell you how many times my H has told me that various things are "broken" when they're not.  Usually, he doesn't have them plugged in, or he isn't using it right, or some little thing is not set up correctly, so the item won't turn on.  

     

    Within one day, H declared that three things were broken.  With each declaration he would look sternly at me and say, "it IS broken, you don't have to look at it."   Each time I would go over, quickly look the situation over, and figure out how to turn the item on.  With the DVR, it simply was the case that H had put fingerprints all over the DVD (which I've warned him 100 times about), with another it was his laptop, and he hadn't noticed that the connection at the "box" in the cord had come loose, in another it was with a lamp where the outlet is tied to a light switch.

     

    What strikes me as odd is that when he reaches a "barrier," he gives up and declares it broken.  He doesn't think outside the box or try to find solutions.  No, he just declared them broken....and will loudly say that they're broken so that there's no need for me to look at it.

     

    This morning we were driving a long distance in a rental car.  I asked H why he wasn't listening to the satellite radio (which I know he loves).  He claimed that he tried it, but it only has one station.   I went to try it myself and he gave me an annoyed comment that I needed to just believe him.  I flipped it on, went to Satellite I, and then turned the tuner and all the channels were there.  None of this is rocket science.  This was just basic stuff.  What the hey???  Satellite II and III also had a bunch of channels.

     

    It's bad enough that H does break things frequently, but it's really annoying to have him insist that certain things are broken when they're not.

     

    Anyone else have this going on?

  • Is it wrong to seek treatment without my partner knowing? by: Dunnowhatodo 9 years 2 months ago

    hi, I'm new here. I was diagnosed with ADD long ago, was put on meds and when my mom didn't like the effects, I was taken off. My grades suffered and I never did graduate. I was 2 credits short. I never did blame ADD. I took on the idea that ADD wasn't even a thing. I was just a slacker. Well fast forward to recently. I saw an article about ADD and while scoffing, decided to read it anyways. I was astounded by how many boxes I ticked. I probably wouldn't give it a second thought if my relationship wasn't suffering.

    my partner chooses not to believe ADD exists, and refuses to aknowledge it. I don't even call it a problem, it's only a problem if you choose not to do anything about it. im considering seeing someone about it in private, but I don't like secrets.

    I know I can't rely on his support but I feel like if he were to find any evidence of it that he would leave me and our daughter.

    i can't go on without treatment. My life is chaotic and I struggle to finish things and get organized. It's killing our relationship. We had a huge fight today because he came home and the house was a mess, like a huge mess, because I was trying to do 5 things at once and he was about 5 hours early. I explained this over and over that it was going to be perfect once it was finished and that I didn't have a chance to finish.

  • Late to work a never ending saga by: sev15 9 years 2 months ago

    Hey everyone,

    I am so glad I found this forum. I literally googled how do I handle my ADHD husband not being able to get to work on time? This forum was in the search results. I just spent a little while reading some of the posts. Oh man is it a relief to know that there are others. I thought I was the only person on this earth crazy enough to put up with some of the things that go on.

    One of the current problems is that he is late to work all the time. We can’t seem to beat it no matter what we try. His bosses constantly council him and ask what is going on ect. For a few days to a week that will work.  I will jump on him and nag him like a mom getting their kid up for school but then the moment I lay off he falls back into the same pattern.  He has time blindness which we work on constantly and is not so much of a big deal in our home life because I can remind him but there is only so much I can do when it comes to his job. In the past it has been so bad that his work has actually asked him if he has a drug or alcohol problem. He doesn’t, neither of us have ever drank or used drugs.

    What is happening right now:

    He has to get a physical for work by August 31st so that his insurance doesn’t go up by $100 next year. He has known about this since March. He had an appointment for two weeks ago for blood work which he got done and then the following Friday was supposed to be his physical. That morning I woke him up with an hour and a half to get ready to leave.  He got up and got dressed (slowly) and sat around until he only had 15 minutes to get all the way across town. He of course didn’t call and tell them he was running late.  By the time he got there they canceled his appointment and told him there were no more openings until September 9th.  So instead of waiting to be worked in he left.

    I was/am having my own problems that I struggle with (insomnia, anxiety, and depression) and that day was a particularly bad day. When he came home and told me about it we had a big fight.  Then I finally went to sleep. He did too only he was needing to wake up in time to donate plasma so that we could buy our dogs some food. Since I didn’t set a clock he didn’t even think about it so he woke up right when the place was closing. I ended up cooking for the dogs that night so they could eat.

    The next day Saturday he donated plasma and got $25 which he used $14 of to buy pizza on the way home.  The dogs got cheap dog food with extras from the fridge added in. Saturday night we also went to work on our place that we are building(a whole other story). The insulation that we have been working on since the beginning of the year finally got finished. In the process he hurt his back.

    So this past Monday when his upper back was still causing him pain he decided to stay off work and get an appointment with the doctor that we are switching over to soon. He wanted to be seen for his back and see if they could get his physical done before the end of the month. So he took off work fully knowing that he didn’t have the hours to cover a full day. The doctor gave him a muscle relaxer which of course made him sleepy.

    Today Tuesday he didn’t wake up until close to when he should have been leaving the house for work. Still he leisurely got showered and dressed for work.  He texted me earlier that his boss talked to him about it all and suggested that he should look into counseling through their system at work and maybe consider stress leave if things are that hard for him. I text him back and said no we just need to change your habits to get you to work on time. It is bad work ethic to take off because you are having time and attendance problems.  I guess that made him mad because all I got for a reply was an O.K. and then he didn’t call me on his lunch hour which he normally does. So I decided to call him. He was annoyed and started griping and then accusing me of being mad at him for thinking about taking stress leave. I explained that I am not mad. I just think taking off isn’t the answer but I think we just need to do things differently and get more organized.

     I have suggested in the past for him to use his phone to set reminders and alarms. He has tried that but he doesn’t seem to have a good time concept to set them by. He has a leave now alarm with he will completely ignore. I mean what do you do with that? Ideally when a leave now alarm goes off you should grab all your stuff and walk out the friggen door not turn it off and take another bite.

     

    I know that he knows he isn’t doing things the right way because he is always verbalizing how he is screwing everything up. He has and understands the tools that he needs to use to fix the problem but he just doesn’t change the behavior himself. I can’t do it for him because it doesn’t stick. The minute I loosen the reigns he just goes off everywhere.  I am very scared that he will lose his job and things will get worse again. He has had this job for 8+ years and is finally getting reports of doing solid work from his bosses. Quite literally his only problem in that area is his time and attendance.

    So for now I have set five different cell phone alarms for in the morning all five minutes apart. That way if they are snoozed they will stack up and annoy him out of bed. I am going to try and have his lunch ready to go the night before as well as some breakfast with protein or some sort. Also I am going to ask him to shower and lay out his clothes before he gets into bed at night instead of in the morning.  It sounds good, but who knows how it will actually happen. He usually doesn’t hear me because he is angry or having a pity party.

    Doctors appointment this coming Friday with blood work results I am praying that they don’t tell him he is diabetic. I really don’t want that for him health wise and I selfishly don’t want the added stress of dealing with the diet changes. That sounds horrible but there is already so much to deal with.

  • Done by: Geese 9 years 2 months ago
    After months of trying and realizing how futile it is to get a wife who hates your ADHD was to see you as anything but an idiot, I have asked for a separation. We still live together and our child is not aware if he break. Its a little awkward but I think better than before. Here are ten reasons why: 1) Renewed intimacy. Before I stupidly went about life hoping that I can somehow miraculously earn affection and sex by not being myself for long enough. Now I can relax and if a woman finds me attractive I can pursue. about half a dozen women seem interested. I feel like a man again. 2) Clearer mind space. Spending all my time caring what my wife thinks limited my already cramp attention span. I literally got no work done since even when on ADD drugs I spent so much time trying to impress a woman how hated me more than anyone else in her life. Now all we do is plan how to pay bills. My mind is relaxed. 3) More self respect. No matter what effect ADHD has I know I am not an idiot. I actually am smarter than average and have a successful role as a salesman at work and a demanding role I do well in the military reserves. With no wife to embarrass me in public or berate me 24/7, the truth that I am worthy of breathing air is easier to see. I was getting worried I'd just shoot myself one day - now, even with no meds its honestly the last thing from my mind. 4) Better parenting. My wife seems to respect me more now. I initiated this separation and we are both diligently doing our jobs at parenting. Less fighting and less tension means a happier child and more work-like cooperation with another adult that you don't have to express any feeling towards We have yet to define the details of what this arrangement means. She has been avoiding the discussion only insisting I move out and give her all my paycheck of course (I am the breadwinner) . No thanks. I'm still a parent and we still have limited resources. Lets be roommates and define what that means. Let's see if her non-ADD mind can work with me to answer that question.
  • 20/20 hindsight...just exited a relationship that I thought had potential by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 years 2 months ago

    Can use some insight here. I'm in the process of recovering from a relationship from a guy that mentioned he had add in the beginning of the relationship. I figured it was issues with focus with work & whatnot...boy was I wrong. This site has helped me tremendously to better understand what has really happened the past several months and that I'm not crazy. Experienced the hyper focus in the beginning it was very extreme. But I was overly cautious and wanted to pace myself throughout the entire relationship and he felt like I rejected him constantly. Said the "I love yous" after we were dating for about a week and marriage was being brought up from him around that time also. He is divorced with children so I wanted to pace myself for that reason as well. He had emotional affairs that he told me were a part of his past and he blamed the marriage for it (red flag I know) and come to find out recently he got caught up in the flirtations again so I ended the relationship. He feels horrible for what he has done and is seriously seeking counsel to defeat this area of his life so I applaud him for that. He gets extremely combative with his family and blamed everyone else for his problems (and I took it hook line and sinker) for the victim mentality instead of taking responsibility for his mistakes to bring about true change of character and maturity. At first we were supposed to take a break for him to continue counsel but the way things have been unraveling I might have to officially call it quits. In one week I received emails or texts of him apologizing profusely and saying I deserve another man to treat me better, says he shouldn't date for a long time until he gets these issues sorted out, he feels like there is hope for us, the several I miss yous, back to I deserve another man to treat me better, then taking a break like originally planned. I can't help but feel he is only in the hyper focus stage again for him to get what he wants. I have not responded to him out of haste or anger; I have been incredibly calm throughout this entire scenario and I thank God for that because I know my words would have made this so much worse and I didn't want to leave a negative impact of regrets on my part. I am so emotionally exhausted and saddened how distorted his perception really is and I absolutely cannot be co-dependent to this type of relationship that keeps unraveling into further confusion. I had no idea how much the add played a role in this until after the split; once I started to do my research it's like a bomb of 20/20 hindsight went off & my eyes have been officially opened because it explains his personality accurately. There have been so many times he would say things without thinking first that came across pushy and insensitive; especially recently because he isn't getting what he wants from me not responding and keeping my boundaries in tact. Any feedback would be appreciated here; I'm not trying to place judgment or point fingers I seriously considered marriage with this guy and no telling what is going to unravel after this break so I can use as much wisdom as possible from people here who are more "seasoned" in this type of relationship. Thanks & God bless

  • My letter to ADHD by: pbshriver 9 years 2 months ago

    ADHD,

    I have come to loathe your name; in fact, I don’t want to give you any recognition by having a full name.  I want you to have only initials.  It is hard enough for me to recognize and accept your existence.  I won’t dignify our relationship by letting you have a full name in my mind.

    I imagine you are a dark entity….shadow-like…..dressed in camouflage so you can infiltrate a life, a family undetected.  I know that you operate in stealth, quietly and patiently waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting.   You are devious and operate without remorse.  Your victims are more than just the people who are diagnosed.  They include the loved ones affected by that diagnosis as well.  The more pain and frustration you can cause, the happier I think you feel. 

    I think you have been around for centuries, perhaps since the cave man, but it is only in recent years that you have been given a name (or initials).  You should know that we are actively working to eradicate your symptoms.  We have combined forces and sought out medical science and psychological support to minimize the damage that you do.  You will not win this fight in the end.

    I can write down all of the feelings I have toward you, but I know deep down that will not matter.  You do not care about me or my family.  You are simply lying in wait for your next victim.  However, I will share this anyway….why?  It will put in black and white the pain and confusion I have and perhaps even the anger I hold in check.  Maybe by getting it all down on paper, I can release some of that control I feel you have had over my life.

    First, you invaded my life through my son’s misdiagnosis.  I think you relish in the thought that what he was eventually diagnosed as was something that only presented like you.  I picture you sitting there with a smirk and snickering as we tried multiple medications and dosages only to learn later that you had tricked us.  You weren’t really there…..it just looked as if you were.

    Then as time went by, it wasn’t good enough that you tried to invade our lives through my son, you went after my husband.  You stayed submerged for more than half a century and then you reared your ugly head.

    I hate you because I don’t know what is really “you” causing certain behaviors and what may merely be an excuse.  I hate the fact that he can’t remember conversations because of you.  I hate the fact that I sometimes don’t feel loved or important because of you.  I hate the fact that he disconnected from me, from his family and from his home life because he can only handle work OR home…..and it wasn’t us that he chose.  Perhaps ‘chosen’ is the wrong word, I don’t know the right word for this part of your infiltration.  Should I be upset that my husband can handle multiple tasks and projects at work, but at home, we are seemingly way down on the list of importance?  The books say it is not him thinking, rather it is the disorder showing.  My…..but you are a confusing entity.

    This other bothersome symptom that you cause….hyperfocus…...It is where you steal a person’s ability to be fully aware of what is happening around them.  You allow them to focus only on a certain thing and it is not always the thing that is right in front of their eyes.  The proverbial “forest for the trees” had to have been penned by a person with ADHD.  I hate this symptom the most I think.  I don’t understand it.  I cannot comprehend how someone can’t see what is right in front of him….a person begging to be talked with, a person asking for an emotional connection.  No matter how much I did or sacrificed for him, it was rarely noticed.  Because of you, he could not see that I was trying to connect……No, because of you, he could only recognize on one thing….. physical touch or more specifically “sex”……something I quit giving when I felt no connection.  Talking in a drastic generalization, I feel as if I might have well not been there and everything was for not. 

    I feel that because of you I wasted the last 10 years of my life.  I am angry with you because of all the times I did something I didn’t really want to do or like to do for him, and you kept him from seeing those things.  This hyperfocus that you have created made him think only of sex and that left us miles apart.  I know I don’t want that to become the only barometer for a successful relationship, but because of you, I feel like that is all he will ever be able to see.

    Your hyperfocus symptom led to resentment building over the years……so much resentment that I don’t know where to begin to break it down.  So much resentment that I now expect failure and the resentment to automatically follow.  I assume failure before we ever get off the ground.

    I despise you ADHD because I feel that all of the things I did or times I scarified were for the most part a waste.  The books say I am not supposed to stop doing those things just because of your diagnosis.  The problem is I don’t know if there is anything left to give.  The well seems empty.  I am spent.  My motivation has been torn away by you.  I don’t want to give so much of myself….and only for a chance at happiness with no guarantee.  Is that what you do ADHD…….steal from people until there is nothing left but an empty shell?

    I allowed you to make me a person I don’t like…that I don’t even want to be around.  I am angry and bitter.   The hurt has made me put up the walls I worked so hard to tear down so many years ago.

    As I write this, I get angrier and angrier.  I am so mad now that I have changed my mind.  You don’t have a face.  You aren’t dressed in camouflage.   You are a virus….undetectable by any known scientific method.  You are like a cancer that no one knows is there until Stage 3.  You may have degrees of severity for your diagnosis, but once you are there, you cannot be eradicated, only treated……and then that is a wait and see.

    How do I defeat you?  How do I live with you being such a strong presence in my life?  How do I stop the fact I let you control so much of my happiness?

    How?

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