Hi everybody, and thanks so much for your time and emotional support.  As I stated earlier in my other post, I am not sure what the diagnosis would be for my chronically angry BF, but now that he has been out of the house for a few days, I am starting to worry and feel guilty about my tough love approach of "get therapy or get out!" approach to his problems.   I have had a very hard time caring for our 5 dogs alone the past few days (because of my chronic pain), but I have managed to feed them and keep them from fighting or knocking me down.  BF would get so angry just preparing their meals, which he himself made more and more elaborate, but then would bitch every night when he had to cook the meat, chop it up, cook the rice, let it cool, mix it all up, and  then FINALLY after about an hour, the poor hungry things get to have their dinner.  It became like a tired old worn out mantra that I just quit listening to..."These damned dogs are spoiled, they won't eat regular dog food, I wish we never got so many, and I'm looking forward to when they die off and we only have 1 or 2 dogs."   God, I hate talk like that, like these precious dogs that are part of the family, that their deaths would be a "good thing" or a relief for BF...he said the same thing about my conure, which is a small parrot about the size of a robin.  He was dismayed when I told him her lifespan is 35 years...she is only 17 now...but he would say after she dies, he might finally get some peace in his life....I lost it one day after him grumbling like that all day, wishing for death like that, and I said "you might get some peace if you would shut up saying such awful things!!!"  Of course, he accused me of verbal abuse for my comment. 

I have a bad habit of analyzing everything, and I have tried to bend over backwards to see his point of view, but it is hard, because I have come to the conclusion that our brains are wired differently...I see the world as basically good, while he sees it as a life sentence in hell imposed on him by a cruel god.  I know he was physically and spiritually abused starting as a small child, but I have lost patience with that excuse for his dependence, moodiness, suspicions, anger, and inappropriate behavior...  Even if he was raised by the Manson family (or the Duggar family), his past abuse does not give him the right to repeat it by taking it out on me. He quotes the Bible all the time, even though he says he hates god, and years of this have turned me into an outright, knee jerk atheist...I am so sick of BF having a supreme (evil) being in his mind that is unfair and out to get him...doesn't he realize that if there really IS a god, that BF is no more important than anybody else, and god would not likely take so much of His Holy time to persecute BF...BF is just NOT the center of the universe, but it is very hard to convince BF of that.  He engages in a lot of magical thinking.  When his sister died of cancer while she was divorcing her very physically abusive husband, BF was so convinced he was getting "messages" from her from the other side, that he badgered her poor grieving daughters to get a lawyer to take up the fight against their dad, when his sister's body wasn't even cold yet, BF was screaming at his nieces to fight fight fight their dad, saying they were stupid if they did not do what BF said to do RIGHT NOW, and that their Mom would hate them from beyond if they did not do exactly what BF said, because he actually believed he was getting messages from her after her death.

He has always said he never wanted to have kids because he knew he would carry on his father's abusive behavior on them.  He does not have any children, and has never been married.  I should have seen this as a red flag from day one when I met him at age 48...10 years ago.  If he can see that his father abused him, why won't he seek help???  I have told him it's not his fault.  It seems from my perspective, that BF loves to play the victim and tell the stories to anybody that will listen... so why not tell it all to a therapist and maybe learn some coping skills that do not make everyone around so miserable...Anger does not help...it only alienates me, and then he gets more angry because he can see I'm not going for his bullshit any longer.  It is a very vicious cycle, but I guess he would rather throw me away than face his issues head on.  I am very anxious and angry with myself right now, because I am worried that i might have done the wrong thing, and he might choose to die because of it. He has threatened suicide many times when we would argue, even if it was not a serious argument from my point of view, he would work himself up despite my efforts to calm him, and threaten suicide.

I am questioning myself this morning...did I do all I could do to help him?   I have started to recently lose my temper with him in the last few months, actually yelling and screaming at him to get therapy for his anger, when I regained my strength and ability to walk as I healed from my broken leg....and he can't deal with that even though he would get mad multiple times daily saying how he would like to kill Mr. X or go rape and murder Ms. Y on TV just because he does not agree with them politically, but in contrast  I'm not allowed that to have a bitchy tone in my voice around him... "THAT'S ABUSE!!!" he would say.  So I stuffed it, and just let him run his mouth and create hours long pity parties, listened to him talk about ex girlfriends, old ex friends, abusive relatives, all of it contained not one drop of insight on his part about his possible responsibility in the problems.  Now as i read my first post, I realized that I have not taken any responsibility for our problems, and after reading my own words, I feel sort of like a hypocrite.  I have a lot of chronic pain from arthritis and the fall I suffered over a year ago.  For the first year after my bad fall, BF had to do all of the cooking, all of the housework, gardening, paying bills, laundry, going to the grocery store, feeding the dogs, everything that required any lifting, etc. ON TOP OF all of the other projects he or we started, like the remodeling of the bathroom, and the tremendous upkeep a 106 year old house built on the side of a mountain requires....so i can see how he might be more stressed because it all fell on him after my injury.  He says I only focus on the bad things about him any more, and their may be some truth in that, and I worry what if I am being unfair to him??  Each day, I would wake up in an OK or at least neutral mood, but almost every day, when I would come int the living room with my first cup of coffee to greet him, he would already be in a funk, angry about something he saw on the news or angry about something like what my friends might be saying in my emails.  He does not have good boundaries, and when he felt insecure about me, he would read my emails to see if I was bashing him to my friends.

I know child abuse can scar an adult...I know he had no choice who and how they raised him...I cry inside each time he tells me how when he was 4, and he and his sisters were acting up in the back seat during a family vacation, and his dad took him out of the car, sat him on a curb, and drove away, only around the block, but it is obviously going to cause abandonment issues to anyone who was treated like that...to be thrown away when you're a tiny kid, no wonder he sees my criticisms as unbearable rejection.  I feel so sorry for him, and I have communicated my concern for him, tried to validate his feelings, I tried to give him all sorts of pleasant experiences, like trips and concerts, so that he could have something to take his mind away from memories of abuse and rejection, but nothing seems to work....If we are in a beautiful national park or something, and I mention the beauty of nature, he will respond with something like, "Well if I was the Creator....I would have never made ants or mosquitoes, because they are nasty, they get in your face, they bite you and you break out, and can get a rash....."     Can you guys out there see what I mean?  His mind always looks for the imperfect part of the scene, focuses on it, and endlessly describes all of the potential negatives associated with it, all the while ignoring or not being able to relate to the beauty, the serenity and the joy a day in nature can give your soul, even if there are a few ants at the picnic.  He is very irritated by smells, noises, and light.  He is very picky about what he eats, and has over the years gradually limited his diet to meals that almost exclusively contain bread cheese and beans only, so he lives on Taco bell bean burritos, BUT, each time he orders, he has to tell the worker how to make it, leave out the sauce, leave this out, leave that out, so that there's only beans and shredded cheese NOT nacho cheese....it is always so complicated, the way he places his order for a 7 layer burrito, but then lists the six ingredients he wants to be omitted from his burrito.  It is sort of embarrassing for me to go in there and stand at the counter, take 5 seconds to give my simple order, and then it takes a full 3 minutes or so for him to give his order and explain it all to the poor kid behind the counter, while other hungry customers have to wait a longer period of time because his has to be just right.....welcome to my world.  

Then I second guess myself, thinking I'm being too demanding (he has said i am like a slave driver), that he is just a pitiful abused guy who has quirks, not as bad as some of the monsters I've read about on some of the posts in this forum.  I know I have become much less patient than i was when I first met him, much less willing to hear all of his stories about abuse...after the 20th or 30th time you hear about his dad spanking him when he was 5 and he was laughing instead of crying...the first few times I heard that story, my heart broke for him.  Later, I began to feel hatred for his abusive hypocrite dad, and felt like that son of a bitch had been living right here with us, torturing my poor BF. Now I am starting to go numb, to not feel anything as a defense mechanism to shield myself from more pain.  I can't help but feel resentment for my BF as well as pity, because he doesn't recognize he has any problem, even though he talks about his parents' cruelty and neglect in long stories almost every day, like they are always there with him just under the surface, ready to rare up and rob him of any potential joy.  Well, they are taking my joy now, too, and I went through a lot of therapy to get over my anger associated with my divorce to a cheating airline pilot who gave me STD's and contributed to my heart condition...but my BF's coping skills are so poor, it is hard for me to remember the lessons that were so hard fought for in my own therapy, and I could feel myself slipping into his bleak negative hopeless world, instead of holding on to the progress, stability, happiness, and peace I fought so hard to get back after my divorce.   Please give me some ideas out there.  I'm tempted to call him today to make sure he did not kill himself, even though I know I shouldn't.  Thanks again.

In the grand scheme of things a birthday probably isn't a huge deal to most people. However, in my marriage I don't get a lot of intimate cuddle time (once or twice a month), we went almost 4 years once without physical intimacy (I'm an every day kinda person), I don't get taken out on dates, and my spouse rarely tries to surprise me. So I've been with my ADHD husband for a very long time, 17 years now. Over the years I've come to dread the holidays, instead of looking forward to Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, or my birthday I've actually begun to feel depressed as the dates approach. I've very clearly mentioned what I would like from my husband, that I want him to plan an event for us to do on my birthday. I've even given him numerous specific ideas throughout the years and for gift ideas I told him that he should check with my mother and two sisters or look at the Amazon Prime order history and wish list cart where it documents everything I've ever ordered for the last several years! I'm not one of those women who expects someone to read their mind, no, I've literally spelled it out and the ONLY thing I'm asking is for my husband to select one thing to do and implement it.

My birthday was last week and I got an ice cream cake (except that I've never liked them) and a funny card. I'm trying to reward positive behavior and I made a big deal out of both the cake and the card and was very excited about them and repeatedly thanked him! However, no event was planned and he didn't get a present for me. When I asked my spouse about it that evening...I did wait patiently in case there was a surprise so I didn't ruin anything. When I asked my spouse he said that he's been so busy in the last month with so much going on that he wasn't able to plan anything for us to do. He also said that he has no idea what to get me and becomes paralyzed when trying to decide. 

We've started another round of couples counseling and have been to a few sessions already to work on our communication issues. I'm trying to use what I've learned and have read in various books. So I gently explained to him that I'm looking for him to come up with an idea because I feel like that is being thoughtful and it shows that he's put effort into understanding me and what I enjoy doing. I told him that when I have to plan my own parties, call friends and family to invite them, pick out and order my own gifts all the time that it doesn't feel the same and I might as well just buy myself the item and skip the "middle man" part of it. I told him that it's not so much about the gift or the event but it bothers me that in all of these years we've spent together it really doesn't seem like he knows who I am. That's what hurts.

This isn't the first time he's forgotten my birthday and after last year I really thought it would have stuck with him to do something different...I was wrong.

The unfortunate part is that even though I mentioned how I felt about my birthday this year he didn't do anything about it. He heard what I said but it didn't signal anything in his mind to try and make up or correct the situation. Okay, he's hurt my feelings but he could plan something to do tonight, tomorrow, next weekend and call it a belated birthday right? Nope. Over a week later and no signs he will do anything but let this get added to the ever growing pile of unresolved crap that we both get to drag behind us.

His birthday is in two weeks and I had several things in mind to get for him and a couple things we could do. Last year, even though he forgot to organize anything for my birthday I still put together a surprise birthday party for him with my family and his family showing up at a restaurant and we had a great time. I'm really bummed out right now, I don't want to do anything for him anymore and it makes me sad because I love being thoughtful. I don't want to feel this way and act spiteful because he's hurt me. I would like to let it go but it seems like I spend my life trying to let it go and get over the things that he's done or didn't do to me. I do try to understand him but when he says he didn't have time to plan anything I know that he's lying. He was busy yes and there was some stress last month but he did have time to play video games. He wasn't working 24/7, he does take a lunch break each day. He did have time to watch a couple of tv shows and read. So when he says that he didn't have time, I think he doesn't see me as a priority and is making excuses. 

It's difficult to go through this with him because he's really intelligent and does a good job at work. He began taking medication for his ADHD a couple of months ago and I thought I noticed some improvement in his focus but I think all of that gets used up while he is at work. I told him that medication is only the beginning and that all of the books and research I've come across explain that he has to implement tools to help him stay on track, organized, and keep things together. We both work in IT, he's a software engineer and I train clinicians on healthcare software...we have every electronic device you can imagine but he's not using them.

Typical back story of adhd relationship. I was diagnosed just over a year ago. About 8.5ish years into a marraige ravaged by undiagnosed adhd.  My wife looks at me with a mixture of hate / coldness. I am constantly being called names. Im told that i am a failure, worthless and at this point only good for a paycheck. Constant fighting, that ends with me crying because"im too emotional". Im always reminded that i personally and single handedly ruined the marraige/ her life. Im told that i am the only one to blame here, and when i try to bring up something that i learned that involves a symptom of adhd, then i am accused of making excuses for being a horrible husband.  Literally notba day goes by that i dont get yelled at. Im still getting yelled out for things in the first month of marraige. I know that none of you know me so you cannot trust that im not lying. I understand that. However, I would like to describe some of the ways that i am a horrible husband.  Before I found the pills that make me act more human and not like a worthless piece of crap, I forgot to do things like take out the trash. I didnt notice things like the fridge being full. I would spend alllll day "cleaning" doing small things in each room that made noo impact. And then i would LIE and say i spent all day cleaning. Also i would LIE to her everytime i talked to her. I lied about how much I cared. And gave terrible examples of showing her i care like how hard i tried to clean. But it was clearly a lie because i knew exactly how to clean the right way..but i didnt. Obviously a bit of sarcasm. I literally HATE myself. Because i am not strong enough or smart enough, i made my best friend and beautiful wife hate me. To the point that she doesnt care that she treats me this way in front of my children.... I literally Hate myself because im not good enough for the only women that matters to me. Literally at this point i can honestly say that i have spent every day of my marraige in hell. Not because of her ,but because of me.  I will never understand how I can spend every moment of every day doing everything i can to change myself to be what she wants. I can honestly say that i work harder than anyone i personally know to keep her from leaving and taking my kids. I have two jobs. I cook  ,i clean, laundry, take great care of my girls...and have done these things from day one. The thing is obviously people with this curse dont often do normal everyday human tasks the "right way" or godforbid  blame memory problems on my Adhd. Im an adult which means i should be an adult regardless of adhd ( which even though she knows i have it she doesnt think it matters) All of that being said. I do infact believe the reason im a worthless husband is because of my adhd... however i guess im not allowed to be forgiven no matter what the reason/(excuse).. in no way do i blame her. I love her more than she can even fathom.. she believes that because of all that i have done (or not done).. that i dont care , and to claim that theres somethings that were out of my control (before pills) makes me even worse because im not taking responsibility for my actions. To which i reply.. going to thearpy and seeking help and taking pills to make you like me ... isnt taking responsibility???? Im pretty sure if i didnt think it was my fault..then i wouldnt do all of this.. not to mention. All of these things are my idea.. i decided that i was the prob and to seek help.   I feel soo hopeless. I literally do everything i can for  my family. But between being born male /adhd fall short every day. I live in constant fear that she will leave and take my girls.. i cannot lose them. I know this is not her fault. I just dont know what to do because everyday im told how bad and stupid and worthless i am.. im treated as if i was a cheater/ abuser. When in reality im guilty of being consistantly inconsistant. And not doing things "the right way" excuse or not my undiagnosed adhd has made me look lazy, stupid ... like i didnt care and like a liar.. i now spend every day doing what i can to be something different than i was born. I love my wife and wish she could see past my curse and see the guy who suffers every day to be the man i wantbto be with her.. pretty hopeless these days.   :(

I dont want it to sound like im talking badly about my wife .. shes a good person and an great mother.. i turned her into this. Im looking for anything im missing to bring us back to a loving relationship.. ive read tons of books and weve been to counseling.. but im still an idiot and cant seem to be fixed. P.s. sorry its soo long and wordy and misspelled ans whiney.. thx for reading.

H is taking dexamphetamines under the supervision of a psychiatrist for ADD and depression. He started about 14 months ago. If he doesn't monitor how many he is taking he starts to show paranoia and  anger - which almost brought our marriage undone. He has settled down now and has been regular in taking them. The last few weeks have been busy and it appears he has been erratic in taking his medications - possibly not taking his Prozac and increasing his dexis. A few days ago he totally overreacted to a comment by our 14 year old daughter after being disturbed by some old plates we had thrown in the rubbish. He thought we were plotting something. He became really and angry and grabbed her and pushed her around - saying she was disrespecting him - and yelling and pointing the finger at me. It only settled after I got my 21 year old son to intervene. It scares us. He has never hurt any of us in our 23 years of marriage. But in January he got really angry and pushed me and my chair into a glass door which then broke, and then threatened to punch me in the face. Whilst I trust him, there is a small part of me that wonders 'what if he really cracks this time'. He is a caring and loving man and I know that this angry man is not the man I married.

My questions:

1. Could this be due to his medications? Has anyone else seen this? He refuses to discuss this and says that the family is the issue.

2. He now has become the victim. Today when I tried to discuss what may have caused him to erupt like that - he said that our daughter was disrespectful and it was her fault. When I said that it was not acceptable for him to push her around - he started yelling again saying I am calling him a violent husband and trying to discredit him and we don't support him. He doesn't appear to be responsible for his own behaviour. It's everyone elses fault. Our kids are really good and well behaved.

Your thoughts?