Another football season has begun, and another few months of weekend hell.   This early afternoon we were at a group function and someone had a football game on.  The teams weren't even any of H's favorite teams....He has one big favorite and a few other favorites.   He started screaming at some of the penalty calls, the bad throws, you name it.   Then later this afternoon, one of his favorite teams was playing and it was actually scary to be around him.  He threw the remote in anger .  So, before half-time even came, I left the room and stayed in our bedroom....which made him angrier because he wants me there with him, and because my leaving "makes him feel bad" because it points out that he's a poor sport.  

I just told him that I won't watch any games with him this season.  Although I enjoy the actual games, even the ones that are "sure wins" will anger H if someone makes a mistake. 

A couple years ago, the police came because he became so verbally abusive and scary when he thought his team was losing (in the end, they won).  When I tried to leave, H ran after me screaming, so the neighbors called the police.  When the police got there, H was very angry and the police told him that they were going to take him to a hotel for the night ....they didn't want him driving because he had been drinking.   

Tonight, he wasn't drinking as far as I know.  

I try to figure out why he is this way about sports...including the ones that he plays.  He's a horrible loser.  His best friend (who died in a tragic accident) used to play him in tennis but H would get so angry when he lost, it was no longer fun for this friend.  H is like a worse version of John McEnroe.  

There are two things I've observed:

1) The perfection expectation:  He expects all players, coaches, and refs to be perfect.  When they fall short of that expectation, he gets angry.   I'm not talking about the typical, "oh shit" when someone drops the ball.  I'm talking about becoming extremely angry in a way that observers notice and become nervous.

2)  Somehow these teams' performances are a reflection of him.  If they do poorly, then somehow he "looks badly," too.  I know that sounds crazy, but it does seem that way.  

Anyone else experience this?

I admit, if I had known anything at all about adult ADHD in my husband, prior to marrying him I would have researched and known what I was in for, and surely headed for the hills!

But I didn't. I had no idea that my dh had been diagnosed as a child, and has lived his entire adult life not even acknowledging he still has it, and didn't tell me anything. I was so unfamiliar with ADHD, except that children are diagnosed for this or ADD, thought they outgrew it.

WELL! Shame on me, I married him after meeting and falling madly in love, and a short, 6 month relationship. Everything I have read, all of the signs, characteristics, and behavior of adult ADHD is him, all of them, looks like he has it in full form.

Depression, dramatic unprovoked mood swings, hyperfocuses, lacks focus, he lies, he loses things, he has a very fast temper and anger, low self-esteem, feels underachieved, loses things, spends money frivilously yet can't account for where he spent it, our communication is zero, unless of course I 'reel him in' with my calm talk and digging to get anything out of him, we go noplace together, haven't been in the same car for at least the past year, we have separate bedrooms, I am lonely and feel empty, he's like a duracell bunny, just can't even sit down and chat or anything, he stands to eat nearly all of the time, morning, lunch at work, most dinners we eat separately because I can't eat fast at 10 or 11 at night, when he finally comes in from the basement (his mancave) showers then grabs a bite and goes to bed.

He usually sleeps no more than 5 hours a night, is a light sleeper and tells me sometimes he lays there for hours wide awake.

Other times randomly he goes to bed at 8 and sleeps until 5 am for work, usually a few days in a row he does this, then back to his 4-5 hour sleep.

He doesn't listen or hear me, he forgets constantly, he lies about having made an appt to see a dr about getting help, this last time I asked him if he had called to make an appt, he said yes I did, I asked okay when is it, he said he couldn't get in until the 23rd, okay, that works. Good. Calendar shows the 23rd is a Sunday. The morning of the 23rd I said thanks for that, I appreciate the lie, he just dismisses it and heads to the basement.

So much more involved, it's awful. So I find this site and needing to vent. Where do I begin, or when do I just walk away. I already know I'm in for a lot of work, will it be one-sided, likely, which means I'm wasting my time on a man who has no desire to get help, he doesn't want to admit he has issues and is killing our marriage after only 4 years.

Now I know why the honeymoon was over after a few weeks of being married. Weird........

For the past 2 years he has gone fishing nearly every single day, I mean...who does that?!. Yet if I ask him if he loves me, he says he does, and has since the first day we met, and always will.

So that's what keeps me here, but I am too old and tired to go through all of this, mid 50's and I just wanted to be content with a partner, a friend I could trust and count on.

I'm so discouraged now, tired of my life, and can't fix another's life, I wouldn't know where to begin.....

I ask myself,  "What do you want?"  I can never put my finger on this question to myself - of what do I want for myself.  I realize that I have not "wanted" for decades.  OR better said, I WANTED my family to feel taken care of and to have a nice home and a loving family.  THAT is what I wanted.  I worked like crazy and sacrificed gladly.  I was empathic and saw my role in life as someone who supported my husband and 2 sons to achieve in what THEY wanted for themselves.  I supported my husband even more than my sons toward what HE wanted and with what HE could handle.  It is my belief that if everyone gives, the family as a whole unit thrives.

When I think back to what I wanted as a younger person, There was a time when I wanted my husband. I was a young romantic. I GOT him.  I liked the idea of living near a lake, near my mom and sisters.  I GOT that.  I wanted to travel.   I DID that somewhat.  

What had me so full of discontent and annoyed?  There are fears and disappointments in life.  I have been focusing on those things and they have been driving me crazy!     

An attitude I am trying to change inside myself has to do with the difference between SHAME and GUILT.  I don't think I really understood the difference.  But, this is what I am getting to know about myself.  I have been SHAMING MYSELF!  Whenever I would make a mistake or when I didin't know what to do, I would ponder how I got into such a mess and what was wrong with ME that I was miserable and was not able to figure out how to fix things.  So I felt SHAME and blamed myself over and over trying to make things different.  

What I CAN do is to say, "Jenna, you are smart and good.  You made a wrong choice. It didn't work out well. What did you learn?"  Instead I was saying, "Stupid, stupd, stupid.  Why can't you figure this out?  What is the matter with you? Are you immature? Are you emotionally sick? Are you ugly or unpersonable or unloveable?"

ACCEPTING that I made bad choices decades ago.  That I made wrong decisions years ago. AND I WILL KEEP MAKING MISTAKES....because that is what human beings do.  We make decisions and half the time, the decision is not the best one.  BUT that is where we get to forgive ourselves for being a human being.  Decisions must be made daily by us all.  I have been stuck and unmoving in my bad situation because I have become afraid to make more bad choices.  Yet not making a move or a choice has been the great undoing of my life.  My life has become stagnant while I wimper and have my emotional pity parties.   It doesn't have to be like that.  

NOT DARING TO RISK a wrong choice has kept me small and not too proud of myself.  

I have stopped the emotional tantrums.  When I start getting worked up, I say, "I made some bad choices. Ugh!"  Yet, I got pretty much what I wanted out of life - (other than feeling unloved and insecure in my marriage).  If that is what I want now {love and security), I can find ways to make myself feel loved and secure.  That is where I am right now.  

I realize I must accept H the way he is.  It does not help me or him for me to be angry or resentful.  I don't have to try to FIX things with him.  He does not want or is not able to LOVE ME (for whatever reason).  I don't need to figure him out.   I DO want to have love and security.  I get to work on that now.