Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Psychiatrist wants DH to stop Ritalin by: Wits' End 9 years 3 months ago

    My DH has had a diagnosis of ADHD for a few years now, and I've read Melissa's book and have followed here for a while, but this is my first post. I am at a point where I just feel broken and really scared, and I just can't stop going over this in my head. DH has been on a low dose of ritalin for a year or so, along with a low dose of celexa, all prescribed by our family doctor. It helps some, but we still have a lot of problems and our marriage is on the verge of being over, despite the fact that we really do love each other. The D word comes up pretty regularly, with both of us agreeing that we can't continue to live the way we are now. The issues from his ADHD and my reaction to it just seem insurmountable, there's so much hurt on both sides, and we can't afford counseling. I have been urging him to see a psychiatrist to work on getting on more effective meds and also address co-morbid disorders (depression and anxiety, at a minimum). Well, finally after months of me begging and pleading and lots of false starts on his part, he made it to an appointment with a new psychiatrist this week. After a 45 minute interview with him, she told him that she doesn't think he has ADHD, that his issues are probably coming from his depression and anxiety and are exacerbated by the ritalin, and she recommended that he work with our family doctor to get off the ritalin while she ups his dose of celexa and gives him something called hydrox to relieve his anxiety. He latched on to the "I don't think you have ADHD" part and came home to excitedly tell me that, and I started sobbing.

    Please don't get me wrong, I don't want for my DH to have ADHD. If that's really not the problem, then great, let's figure out what is and move forward. But he has textbook symptoms of ADHD. When I read Melissa's book, I found myself highlighting more than I wasn't, because I could relate to SO MUCH of what she described. He has had 7 jobs in about the past 6 years, and he's on his 3rd job just since February of this year. He gets fired because he either speaks impulsively and pisses someone off, or he makes too many mistakes (he's in an industry where mistakes mean money). I handle pretty much ALL of the household responsibilities because he can't be relied on to remember what needs to be done. He leaves clutter everywhere and won't pick up obvious messes - he says he can't "see" them like I can. He gets pretty frequent speeding tickets and he's gotten 3 tickets in about the past 2 years for the exact same thing - running a red light on a right turn because he *literally* doesn't understand what it means to come to a complete stop. He's terrible with money and we've lost a house and declared chapter 13 bankruptcy in the past. He has also had addiction issues, in the past with drugs and now with video games. In fact, before we were even married, I issued an ultimatum - me or the damn video game that consumed all of his time. He still plays a game on his phone, and it takes his time and energy from what he should be focused on (esp. our kids), but it's not as bad as the computer game. I don't like to leave the kids with him (although a lot of times I have no choice) because I worry about their safety due to his lack of attention. I spend all of my time and energy trying to take care of the kids and our household, work a stable full time job so I know we have income and benefits to fall back on in case he loses his job again, and just keep things stable until he plunges us into another crisis of some sort. And now, after the progress we made in getting him to a psychiatrist to talk about meds, she just flippantly throws out an "I don't think you have ADHD and you shouldn't be on ritalin" diagnosis. I feel like we are back at square-freaking-one, and he can't understand why. 

    After talking with him and trying to explain my feelings (which always make him feel extremely defensive, no matter how gentle I try to be), I'm not sure I feel much better. He is pretty psyched at the idea that he may not have ADHD and that antidepressants may magically fix all these problems (problems which, of course, he failed to mention to her). He has agreed to continue on the ritalin for now. I tried to explain to him that if ritalin doesn't work for him, then my hope is that he will have the psychiatrist acknowledge/recognize the ADHD and work with him to find the right meds. I don't want him to take meds that are making his anxiety worse or hurting him, but I don't for a second believe that he doesn't have ADHD, because I've seen the incredibly terrible impact it's had on our 14-year marriage. I think all he can hear is that I want him to stay on a med that he doesn't need and may be making things worse. The psychiatrist asked him to go for some sort of neurological testing, but DH couldn't explain to me what it was. He says that she explained it to him, but he couldn't remember what she'd said. I'm going to go with him to that appointment (after he makes it, which who knows how long that will be), and he has another appointment with her next month. I have concerns that she is going to decide that I'm just pushing for an ADHD diagnosis with some sort of ulterior motive, but I honestly don't understand how any doctor knowledgeable about ADHD could decide after a 45-minute discussion with A PERSON WHO IS COMPLETELY UNABLE TO SELF EVALUATE that he doesn't have ADHD. I mean, isn't that a hallmark of ADHD? I've read people here saying over and over that their pwADD was in denial, or completely unable to see the issues they had, etc My hope is that I will be able to go and objectively describe to her the behaviors that I see, and that we can move forward from there.

    This was more of a vent, really. If you got this far, thanks for "listening." Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated.

  • Help... Does he have ADD? by: Verysad 9 years 3 months ago

    I have been with my boyfriend for four years. He is 44. He has openly spoke about having ADD and he has the symptoms. Having said that I feel like it may be something more. He is always stressed. He has the worst explosive road rage I've ever seen. He blurts out horrible mean things to the point where I'm usually shocked and taken aback by what he says. He collects papers, post its and clutter. His house has become what looks like a "hoarders" place. He can't even live there anymore and essentially has in with me. He has started with this paper/clutter thing on my dining room table and I tried to gently bring it up to him and he screamed at me telling me that I don't know what it's like and that I don't help his Brian think clearly. His explosive anger is always disproportionate to the situation. I frequently feel like I'm on eggshells afraid of when he will explode next. He is chronically late and I don't mean a little late I mean like a party starts at 2 and he decides to turn on a movie and we go at 5. When I say we will be late he says "I don't stress about being on time like you do". He criticizes me constantly. He is loud and I mean really loud. He slams doors runs up the steps and the walls shake. He doesn't like to be touched most of the time. When I try he says "get off that's annoying". He proscrastinates like I've never seen and he will start something or a lot of little things and never finish them. He stays up almost nightly to 3 or 4 am.... And the worst of it is sex. We don't really have normal sex. What typically happens is he grabs me in my area and it's not gentle and then gets frustrated very very quickly because I'm not able to perform immediately or that hurts me. And then he gives up and gets pissed or angry and tells me I have a problem and I need to fix it.  I fully admit I am not the girl who can just have sex without intimacy or foreplay and when I try to explain that he says "you always have an excuse" " if I cheat you will know why" or "you need to get help" he doesn't know how to talk rationally or calmly about anything... It is always anger. When we first started dating I felt differently. He paid more attention and was kinder. We broke up two other timses and when we got back together it was always great and then ends up like this again. 

    Im sorry for the rambling however my question is... Is this ADD only? This seems like so much more than the symptoms I read on websites and books. It seems like verbal abuse or just plain out self centered selfish behavior. One time I convinced him to go to the doctor and he went but the doctor downplayed and said he had add too so my boyfriend didn't feel like it was a big deal... I've never been able to convince him to go back. I am miserable and don't know what to do. I feel bad for him and love him when he is "normal".... But normal keeps moving farther and farther away....please help. I don't know what to do and I spend every day looking up symptoms of other disorders like bipolar or borderline personality dosorder and he has those symptoms too. Am I right to think that medication could make things 100 percent better. I find myself becoming a mute and just living in my head because I'm so afraid if say anything for fear of the explosion over nothing that will ensue....thanks

  • Job problems by: Xoliswthrtox 9 years 3 months ago

    doea anyone else's spouse have trouble with work? My husband recently left working with family to pursue a better paying job he was quite capable of that he did in the past, wound up having serious issues working from home now... And since has had zero ambition to search for a job... He doesnt look online, doesn't go into town, doesnt utilize family connections... He just sits home with our dog and watches youtube videos all day... History stuff, conspiracy theories, online shows, etc. He just gets really defensive when i ask him what he did all day... And i think he thinks because he takes care of the dog, cleans and cooks, that hes just excused from having to answer... 

  • I think my boyfriend may be ADHD by: sickandtired 9 years 3 months ago

    Hi everyone, I am new to this, and I am trying to find answers regarding my boyfriend's behavior and emotions.  We have been together 10 years, and at first he was too good to be true.  I had recently come out of an emotionally abusive 12 year marriage to a sex addict who was a compulsive liar, so after the divorce, i tried to find someone who was the polar opposite of him.  Now i am living with a whole set of other problems that seem to be escalating with each year...Instead of lying and cheating like my ex-H, my BF is angry pretty much all of the time, he HATES authority figures, delights when he hears about a cop or a judge being murdered on the news, has not spoken to his parents in over 20 years, talks constantly, especially how others have wronged him.  He hates his parents, who he says "abused" him by being very strict, making him go to church 3 times a week, etc.  He has a very poor sense of direction, can't read a map or follow directions, will get lost easily, will say a word when he really means the opposite, like saying something is black when he means to say white.  After the "honeymoon period" of our relationship, he would cringe if i touched him, and we have not had sex for over 8 years.  I am 60 and he is 58, so I guess that part may not be so abnormal.  The thing that worries me about the future is his frequent, unpredictable anger.  He cannot keep any male friends.  He always ends up finding some fault with them, perceiving some insult or abuse from them that is not there.  For example, I had a friend who was married to a retired paramedic who was also my friend.  I had fallen and broken my leg, and when my BF found me lying on the concrete, he began to scold me for trying to move the heavy flower pot that caused me to lose my balance and fall, instead of kneeling down to help me or God forbid, comfort me.  He insisted that I not call 911 because he did not think I was hurt so badly.  I ended up calling a neighbor friend, who came to my aid and comforted me, while my BF decided to go into the driveway to turn the car around.  My BF took me to the ER, and when I was in agonizing pain, he kept saying he just wanted to kill himself, because I had "ruined our lives" by breaking my leg.  That night, upon coming home from the ER, I asked my friend and her paramedic husband to come over and help him get me out of the car safely, because it was Friday night and there was no doctor to put the cast on till Monday, and i was just wrapped up with a splint holding the bones in place.  If they were jostled out of place, I would be required to have surgery.  When my paramedic friend (who was also the trainer for all the other paramedics) began to try to instruct my BF on how to safely carry a person with a broken leg, my BF got all insulted, acting like my friend had bullied him or something, when all he did was try to correct my BF when he just wanted to grab me and pick me up, swinging my broken leg around in the air. All my BF could focus on was how this accident impacted HIM, and he seemed to be totally unaware how out of control his emotions were. The rest of that night was misrable after my friends left, because my BF was pacing around raging about how my friend had "bullied him" when nothing could be further from the truth!  The healing period for my broken leg was not much different.  We live alone, so it was up to him to be my total caretaker.  He would bring me my meals, lift me out of the wheelchair, take me to doctor's appointments, etc., but he bitched moaned and complained the entire time, repeatedly blaming me for falling, never showing me any empathy, never offering to rub my sore muscles, never thinking how much just a simple hug might have helped me.  I have to ASK him for a hug.  I could see that my physical therapist was perplexed by my BF's lack of interest in learning how to care for me at home with massage.  Now that I can finally walk again, he is still very angry about my fall, and blames EVERYTHING on me.  Like when we came home one day and saw that the Jehovah's witnesses were in our driveway, he dented the fender of my new car trying to back up away from them so quickly, and then blamed me for it, saying I " distracted" him by offering to get out of the car and politely tell them no thanks.  I bought a new dining room table, and he collects tons of tools and buys broken things on ebay that he likes to repair.....He kept putting heavy tools on my new dining room table, and I asked him nicely to find some other place to work with his tools, and he blew up at me, saying i was a control freak (which I am not) and that he felt like he had no power because I own everything and have all the money...this is a constant theme of his anger, and i am afraid he sees me like an authority figure (which I am not)  He has many, many large unfinished projects, like our 3 1/2 year old bathroom remodel (he blames my broken leg on his inability to finish it), and keeps planning more radical changes to our house that would take 3 lifetimes to complete all on his own, but he refuses to hire anyone to help him, instead he will start something, get bored with it, and then just leave the unfinished project and all the mess that goes with it, making grandious plans for the next project.   He has experience as a carpenter but has not worked for anyone else for years.  He quit his last job a few months after he moved in with me, over 10 years ago.  My best friend and my niece have heard him say derogatory things about me, and they both say I am verbally abused, and they fear that he is a ticking time bomb, who will one day harm me physically.  I made the mistake of telling him about them confronting me about his verbal abuse, and of course, he blamed THEM, saying they are "men-haters", and he demanded that I take them out of my will because of what they said about him.  He said he did not want to have to "deal with" them after I die.  He says unnecessarily hurtful things to others and threatens people online that he doesn't even know.  He often fantazizes about killing people he sees on the news that he does not agree with, like all of the justice in the world can only come from him.  Years ago, I had to call the police on him once because he was running around the house waving a gun in the air, threatening to kill my brother because we were involved in an inheritance dispute. 

    He has never hit me, except once by accident, when we were in a narrow hall, and I pointed out a spider on the floor.  He overreacted (as usual), but this time, he flung his hands in the air, hitting me square in the nose with an upward force that felt like he jammed my nose into my head.  I was bleeding and crying and it was very painful, and for the first few minutes, he apologized profusely, but after a few hours, I mentioned that i still had a headache and that I was starting to bruise under my eyes, and he started minimizing my pain, saying I was trying to "work it for sympathy".  I feel like he resents me, and does not even like me anymore.  I tried to get him into counseling, and he went a few times, but decided the woman counselor was on my side and that she was a "man hating bitch", because she was starting to challenge some of his statements in counseling.  I then persuaded him to see a male counselor and a psychiatrist specializing in anger issues, but he only went a few times, claiming that they don't know what they are doing, that he could fix his own problems.   Well, I know that is not true, and i want him to either get help, or get out.  Right now, I live on one end of the house, and he lives on the other, and he is refusing to come out of his room (yes, he has his own bedroom) or speak to me because of this stupid dining room issue that came up last night.  When he gets so angry like this, he takes a victim role and acts like an oppositional defiant adolescent instead of a 58 year old man, and I just feel sick inside and do not know what to do.  i also have heart disease, arthritis and fibromyalgia, so all of this unnecessary stress he brings into our relationship is bad for my health.  Could someone out there please help me with my situation? 

     

  • Tell me lies...... by: Dipity 9 years 3 months ago
    I know he's lying about little unimportant things he thinks don't matter. He makes plans and forgets to tell me and then pretends he's just made them. Why not just say "forgot to say I'm doing x tonight" Drives me mental and I don't appreciate being made to feel like I'm going mad when I ask why he's behaving strangely, which of course is yet another lie!!!! Gah. I know I'm not going mad and I know when I'm being lied to. I know this is a symptom. I've asked him why he's behaving sketchy and he just denies it. We've been together 13 years, I know when he's telling porkies. What should my response to this symptom be?? Being pissed off and feeling hurt isn't going to help anything, I've given him calm opportunity to say he's just forgotten and that was met with another lie. I accept lowering standards on many things. But not where trust is involved. ***UPDATE SINCE ORIGINAL POST *** So I challenged him and now it's my fault! I've been accused of checking his phone (I don't do that) and still no admittance that he has lied! Now he's furious that I have questioned him. Obviously no talking about it until he is ready. I will not pursue as he has retreated.
  • ADHD in a non-ADHD world by: ADHDanon 9 years 3 months ago

    Iv'e been doing research and lurking these forums for months. What better way to hear the unspoken truth about ADHD? The suffering of so many people makes the reality painfully obvious. There is no happy ending with ADHD. It's almost impossible for someone with ADHD to be successful, life is always a struggle, in almost everything. Basic living is hell. What kind of life is that, for anyone to live, or associate with? It isn't happy for anyone.
     If it isn't already obvious from my inability to write or manage expressing basic ideas, I have ADHD. I haven't even graduated but I know whats in store.
    The only hope for someone like myself is to ensare the sensibilities of a neurotypical, and have them manage me, like a caretaker, so I can survive in this world. Someone to sacrifice their life to support a parasite, to needlessly suffer a terribly cruel burden in the name of blind love. Cruel in the burden of raising someone you love, someone you should have a healthy adult relationship with like a child, and the additional lack of support, and cruel in abuse suffered at the hands of the ADHDer, and watching their suffering. Watching the suffering of someone who you love, who hurts you, and who can only do their best. They try, but things dont change and thats all you can hope for.
    Even if I experience the joy of finding someone willing to be with me, I'm faced with my limitations, the reality of my disorder.  Guilt over my inability to operate on the same level, and the pain I inflict on myself and others.
    I can't hope to be a real man, equal in a relationship. I can't be the person I want to be, give back what I want to, and I hurt the person I love, which also hurts me.

    I want to set my own boundaries, I want to be motivated, I want to know fact from fiction, I want integrity, I want to be a good person.
    I am forced to watch myself fail life
    Finances?
    School?
    Work?
    Taking care of myself?

     

     

    So???

  • Reality Is Stranger Than Fiction..or..Hotdogs and Handgrenades by: kellyj 9 years 3 months ago

    I wanted to share some more of my expereince in going on a short vacation with my wife, her brother, her friend (Dee for difficult) and myself at the beach over a long weekend.  For those who have not read my already leangthy account of my wife's freind (I am calling Dee)...you can go and look up my recent post that I made that gives more details of this person and what I observed about her (and the problems we all faced with her) while we were all staying together and communing so to speak and just trying to get along. 

    I just spoke to my wife about our experience and she enlightened me on a part that I had not been privy to until now.  I thought this was so telling that it would be a good case in point in how sometimes bizzarre and irrational behavior does have a source or reason for it if you can trace it back to it's source.  Here's what happened at this particular juncture  (there were many of these but this one was the strangest one of all)

    So...it was the last evening of our stay and the weather was beautiful and what sounded a perfect compliment to our stay was to start a fire outside and roast hot dogs, have some beer/wine and watch the sunset over the water.  I scrounged around and found one metal devise made specifically for this purpose that my sister and her husband had avaiable by the fire pit (their house is on the beach...nice! ) As I was building the fire....my wife and Dee helped prepare eveything inside and and bringing it out for us all to enjoy.  Going back to the hot dog scure thingy.  This was as basic as it gets......a piece of wire twisted together until it came to the end where it terminated forming a fork with two prongs about 6" long each, with a wooden handle on it.  It doesn't get more basic than that.  As I built the fire with my wifes brother, I told him the one thing I didn't want to do was sit and cook two hot dogs at a time instead of trying to cook them all at once so we could all sit down together and watch the sunset and eat.  He agreed especially since we were the ones in charge of fire and dogs.  No problem.  I found a wire coat hanger inside and formed another hot dog thingy to put more dogs on and as it turned out....we were able to cook an entire pack all at once by laying the dogs sideways (perpendicular) to the forks and stack them along side of each other  (4 dogs per thingy).  That was the plan at least but we ran into a problem with this.  When I went inside to get the dogs to cook....I found the first thingy with two dogs on it with them running side by side ( parrallel to the prongs)  one dog per prong that is.... with the prong running the entire length of each dog.  The ladies were off in another room so I quickly grabbed the two that were there and the rest of them and proceeded back outside to do the dirty work.  Actually....my wifes brother M and I were having fun making the fire, joking around and drinking a couple beers.  This is what you do at the beach right?

    So now, here we are.....sitting there getting ready to cook and Dee comes out to see what we are doing.  She imediately starts telling us that this is not the way you do it ( you stupid men...sheeesh!)  Cleary, she had been the one who put the two dogs on running legnthwise to the thingy and we had them running the other way and stacked all together.  I wasn't about to get into it with her and tell her that we didn't want to stand and cook two at a time while they sat there eating....I already knew better and so did M.  But here's the deal.....I've been camping and cooking hot dogs on fires since I was a little kid.  This is cave man technology.....fire, meat, good.  There is hardly any way you can screw this up aside from completely losing your dog off your stick, fork, wire, enlongated rock...or any other devise you can find that allows you to do the same thing without burning your hands to do it.  Nothing outside of dropping your dog into the fire and not retrieving back out fast enough before your hot dog completely burns to ash is going to make any difference to how it tastes.....all smokey and fire roasted and all.  I don't even mind a bit of black charr on the outside unless it's completely black and burned over the entire surface.  It's all good and part of cooking on an open flame made from drift wood at the beach.  Nothing wrong with a little "trail spice" added for good measure. (dirt,ash and or sand)  In this case however.....I was cognizant of the fact the "trail spice" would probably be frowned upon in this particular crowd.....I was way ahead of the curve in that department plus.....we actually had authentic actual hot dog thingies to work with.  This was luxery at it's finest! lol

    So as Dee stood there telling us how this was all wrong and I told her "No....it will be just fine....trust us on that much will you?"  She turned around and marche inside (the part that I didn't know about) and preceeded to tell my wife how we were doing it all wrong and how the dogs were going to be cold in the middle and burnt on the outside and she was goind to have to recook hers the right way after we were done.  My wife apparently did not appear to be too fazed by what we were doing and didn't seem to care about Dee's concerns.  Now Dee comes back outside to us as we were about to apply the dogs to the fire we had made that had nice coals going and the sun was just about to start going down.  Without saying anything other than mumbling about how she was going to have to recook hers....she reached out and tried to grab the hot dog thingy (and the dogs) away from M as he was standing there next to her.  He pulled his hand away and prevented her from doing this.  I ignored this and started cooking my dogs.  A moment went by and she did it again....reaching and grabbing at M's thingy and M did the same things again and told her to but out....."we've got it handled."  Dee remained and watched intently as the two us began the process of cooking our dogs and turning them while Dee hovered over us in silence.  In my passive aggressive way.....I even stuck the dogs into the fire coals a couple of times and screamed as if the dogs were being burnt to death.  At least it was funny to M.....Dee wasn't laughing but did tell me not to do that again.  I figured I wouldn't presh my luck and just ignored her some more.  Eventually.....she left M and I to do the rest of the cooking but not before she told us not to charr hers and burn the outsides for the third or fourth time duing this process before she felst it was safe to leave the cave men alone to finish the process.  M looked at me and said....."since when do you cook hot dogs on an open flame without getting them a little black around the edges?  That's the best part of doing it this way.....they get all smokey and charred."  I told him I agreed with his take on it but in this case...."we should probably try our best not to burn them especially since we had proffessioanl hot dog thingies to use instead of sticks of wood like I have used the other 1,000 times I cooked hot dogs outside on a fire."  We both laughed and were relieved that our cooking supervisor had found something better to do. lol

    As it turned out....the dogs came out about as good as a hot dog can get.....they were hot all the way through and not burned on the outside.  What more can you ask for right?  As we were all sitting there enjoying the sunset and eating our food, Dee gets up and goes inside.  I didn't realize why until my wife told me just this morning.  Apparently...Dee took her hot dog and put it into the micro wave despite the fact that we all agreed that they were all hot to the point of having to cool just a bit before we could take the first bite and stop spitting before we did.  This was so bizzarre even for my wife the control freak. lol  My wife had even said to me that the dogs were cooked as perfect as one could get as far as she was concerned and she is as picky a customer when it comes to food as you could find.  We both were looking at each other going .....what the hell?  That's when I said " yeah...they ought to incude hot dogs to the saying that it's close enough for horse shoes and handgrenades as far as being good enough to eat.

    So tying this in with the other things I do know about Dee in a compasionate way.  She was raised by a single mother who ran both of her husband away.  Apparently...her mother use to tell her how stupid she was and criticize her constantly growing up.  Nothing was ever good enough and she could never get any approval from her for anything she did.  Dee is an articualte intelligent woman by all regards and has a moutain of education and background to go along with it.  That doesn't preclude a person from being in denial, OCD, self centerd (probably NPD) and completely controlling in every way. She also lives alone and appears to have repeated the sins of her mother in the same way from the sound of it.....as these things can tend to go at times.

    This whole epidsode reminds me of a really good accounting of a man telling a story to his therapist (a true story)  Apperently....the man was talking alone with his therapist about his wife being extremely rigid and problematic and very controlling in her ways.  Whenever his wife cooked ham, she would cut the entire end off before she cooked it.  The man was curious about this but wasn't about to question his wifes motives since his past expereince with this was part of why he was there in therapy together with his wife even though his wife had told him that this was the way my mother did it.

      So, on one occassion....he had the opportunity to ask his wife;s mother why she cut the end off the ham when she cooked it.  His mother in law told him because that was the way my mother did it.  In this particualr family....his wifes grandmother was still alive and he later had the opportunity to ask her "why do you cut the end off the ham when you cook it?"  The grandmother told him it was because she only had one baking pan that was too small to fit a whole ham into.  And yet......no one ever seemed to question this for nearly two generations before even though it was a strange things to do that made little to no sense for no apparent reason what so ever?

    And they say I'm a little wierd sometimes?  lol

     

    J

  • there is absolutely no way to justify this behavior by: augieparker 9 years 3 months ago

    I am 90% certain my soon-to-be ex has ADHD.  Our daughter was diagnosed, years ago.  There is evidence of the anger and anxiety that seem to go along with ADHD, in him.  All the hints were there for him to be self-aware of his ADHD (i.e. hello?  your daughter has been diagnosed?) but his ego was too big for him to have any self-awareness.  He had an affair and now wants a divorce.  I've reached the boiling point because tonight, my other child is struggling with an issue regarding a new friend - who is supposed to come over for dinner - but my daughter is embarrassed that her dad had an affair, that her parents are getting divorced . . . regardless, she is trying to keep her dad happy and therefore considering an invitation for him to come to dinner.  She has the character and empathy that he completely lacks.

    I don't care what he did to me; I can handle it.  But there is absolutely no excuse for his cowardly, selfish behavior and how it impacts his kids. I absolutely despise him for only thinking about himself.  He has always lied (although I didn't think he'd have an affair).  He has always flirted, to make himself feel good.  He has always put himself above all others - his wife, anyone else in the room, his kids.  

    I absolutely cannot fathom how any human being can be so selfish, particularly in regard to his kids.  Does anyone else understand this, and is it related to ADHD or is it just pure selfishness?

    I was aware that he had ADHD, for years.  I believed he was narcissistic, although he wasn't extreme enough to have NPD.  

    I don't know if I can ever come to terms for understanding a selfishness that is so deep.  

  • My first post. by: Record Store Cowboy 9 years 3 months ago

    Hi, this is my first post.

     

    I came across the book while looking for books in my local public library on getting the romance back in your marriage. I have been married 12 years, and with my wife for 3 years before that. We have 2 daughters, and after the birth of our 2nd daughter, my wife had bad menstual cycles. Our family doctor suggested that she go back on birth control, and that might help with her bad cycles. After going back on birth control, her lungs filled with blood clots, and she was told that if she got pregnant she would likely have more. Enter her fear of sex. I went to see a doctor about a vasectomy, and was given a price that I could not afford. After some time, I went to another doctor, who billed it to my health care through the province. It took 5 years before we had sex again, and on the 3rd time, I had a stroke immediately afterward. Understandably, she was very scared, but I am on the mend and have been given the green light to go ahead and be sexually active. That was months ago. It should be no surprise that I was hoping to get the romance back in our relationship.

    When I saw the book come up in the search results, I put a hold on it immediately. I had just been diagnosed with ADD at 42. When I started reading the book, it was like an awakening. So much of what I read in the book was also true in our lives. My wife has been very angry, and I can't seem to "get with it." Lately she is angry more than she is anything else. Household chores go undone, and tension builds. I know I resent her for over 5 years without an intimacy, and my therapist suggested that she get counselling to deal with her anxiety but she seems to refuse.

    When my wife gets angry, it is like getting hit in the chest with a sledgehammer. She is a great woman, and I fear that I have pushed her to this. I feel like I can do no right, that I am a horrible spouse. I try to do the housework, and it's hard, and when I'm done work, I'm beat. My job is very physical, and I wish I could do better. I know that she feels that I get to have all the fun, and she has all the crummy jobs, but I also feel like I'm livintg with a roommate. There is absolutely no intimacy in our relationship, I dread her being angry, and I don't see how to improve it.

  • The need to be nurtured vs "I am not wired that way" by: Anonymous (not verified) 9 years 3 months ago

    "Just accept it and move on", "do you", "lower your expectrations". What are these? All things I preach about to myself and others when you don't get what you signed on for from your spouse that has ADHD. Yesterday, the other girl showed up, the one that is still human and wants to be nurtured. I send him the usual text in the morning that has to do with something domestic, his reminder, "please deposit the weekly money into the account" since he won't do a recurring deposit. Never get a response. In fact, I never get any communication all day, no text, call, nothing. I am used to this although not happy about it. I call it abnormal normalcy. I get out from work at 4:30 PM, my girlfriend invites me to her house so she can cook for me and hang out. I say yes since the husband gets home late from work. I get home from her house about 9:30 PM and he is home. Now he hasn't bothered to see where I am , if I am ok. I feel unloved, no concern from him and like he just knows I am fine. I walk in and get "hey love! how was your day?" The response I want to give..."you would know that if you kept in touch". I say "fine". He says, "I deposited that money" I say, "so you got my text?" He says yes. Then he says, "you don't look right. What's going on?" Then I have to decide whether its worth talking about it, only to have him say that he sucks. So I told him I was ok and I was going to bed. 25 years of the same stuff wears you out. Eventually, he said that if we are ever going to improve, we have to talk. I told him that I was scared it would be an argument or blame game. So he said he would listen. I told him how I felt when I go away on trips and tell him I got there ok and hours later he responds. I told him how he doesn't initiate and that is why he doesn't SEE my texts. I told him that my family and friends check up on me but he doesn't. He then says that much may not change since its who he is. I then told him that since I have to accept that, maybe I should unlearn being loving, caring, generous- but that is hard to do. I can't be emotionless and flatline and just because he gives me his reason, ADHD, I am STILL in pain. It doesn't make it normal for ME. He then asks if I have read any of the books he has read about his condition, like You Mean I Am Not... I then say "where is the book that explains to YOU how I feel? I didn't get married to not be nurtured, to not be a team, to live as if I were single, to reach out to you with no response" All those books talk about THEIR symptoms. What about US? I told him that this is dangerous since I feel no attention or concern from him but so many others give me attention- dangerous. He said I am important and he does love me. I know that, I don't feel that. I told him I can come and go as I please and he doesn't question in the least. He said he was trying and asked if I have not noticed he is cleaning his garages and room and organizing. Yes, I commended him for that, now what are you doing to make ME feel loved, I asked. He said he didn't feel the need to tell me that. I told him I would gladly tell him what I do DAILY to do my part. He wouldn't even know if I were having an affair. We both were calm, he listened for the first time and even said sorry. WHAT???????????? He wants to do better he said. I just need him to understand that a reason is not an excuse. I continue to try even though I say I don't want to care but I wanted him to know that I still have needs and it is painful to know you don't get what you put into the relationship. we cried, we hugged and I was glad we talked, I kissed him and said goodnight since he stays up til 3AM as an insomniac, went to bed alone. I know things will not change much, I sent him a text right after we spoke and I may as well not have. He came to bed at who knows what time. This morning I got ready for work and he lay there asleep. The loving person in me wants to go into the bedroom and say goodbye but the tired woman says, "once again, it's you doing all the work" He doesn't make an effort to see me off, have breakfast together, nothing, but can spend hours watching tv until 3AM. So I just left for work and kept the energy for myself. It won't bother him anyway although he has said he loves it when I hug him goodbye and tuck him in before I leave. Of course you do because ALL people appreciate feeling needed and special. I do so much to make him feel loved and toasty and the human in me would like the same. Have I accepted? I feel that I am getting there since I can go hours without hearing from him, go out til midnight and not get a call from him. Does it feel ok? Hell no. It is not normal to be married and feel single and depend on your family and friends to make sure you are breathing. I told him that I feel like I am on a work release program and I check in at the prison at night. So, perhaps a day or a week will go by and I will get a bit of attention before it all continues as is. At least I got my feelings out, at least he didn't twist my words, at least we ended on a good note and not in an argument. That makes me feel good that I didn't lose my head in a pointless argument that makes you feel like you are crazy. If he could see my heart, he would be in tears. Everything is about THEIR issue, THEIR symptoms, why THEY act the way they do. If only they could learn compromise- I understand how hard it must be for him, does he see my predicament? If his ADHD is so real and a HUGE deal, why reject professional help or meds? Switch gears and think about the way I feel and the choices that I have in order to deal with your inattentiveness. I am not a robot, I have feelings and have always told you about them and the pain I have. You say I deserve better- I bet if I another man filled my void you would blame me, not you since I have to be faithful til the end right? Before it gets there, please just do a littel bit. Everyone deserves unsolicited love. Listen and learn and stop throwing paragraphs from a book at me- that book is NOT about me. Acceptance will help me to be at peace, it's not fair that I have to accept less than I deserve while he sits there expending no energy on us. Unevenly yoked in the Bible refers to marrying someone that is not sharing your religious beliefs and can drag you down or make you carry most of the weight but the same applies for emotional weight. I would never recommend for a mushy, loving and attentive person that tries to please everyone to be married to someone with ADHD. You will torture yourself wanting what you will not get, even when you beg. So, I got all of that out and I assume that in 2 months, I will have to vent to him again. Each day I will take care of myself more and cultivate my friendships and relationships with my family. It's a natural thing to protect yourself from behavior you are used to and then its a human thing to get fed up that you have to protect yourself from behavor from someone that says you are their world. Rollercoaster is a perfect word to describe our plight. I don't like amusement parks anymore as I get older. I just want a peaceful loving relationship where I don't do ALL the work for someone to tell me they love me. It's like having a boss that doesn't acknowledge you, you work overtime, have no benefits and can't ever go find another job. You are just there for the paycheck. This will be one of the hardest things I will ever have to deal with in my life- it is making me stronger- still a void. So glad I have this forum. He has his books. 

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