It's been 3 weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend. It's been hell for me because I still love him so much. I've been searching for answers every second. Finally when I read all the posts here about dating an ADHD man, all the questions are answered.

He is a very special man. Unlike some other ADHD people who fail academically, my ex was very intelligent, smart, did well in school, went to college in Cambridge and did his PhD in Princeton. He was so handsome, so well dressed and so classic. These were my first impression of him. He was wonderful on paper, and 10 years older than me, and financially independent. I went into the relationship admiring and worshiping him, thinking how lucky I was to have come across a man like that, hoping it would be an easy relationship for me.

But it was not. And now breaking up with him is even harder.

I didn't know he had ADHD until a few month into our relationship. I still don't know how seriously his ADHD is and how much ADHD has contributed to our relationship failure. But anyway things were REALLY GOOD in the beginning. He paid so much attention to me, took me around doing all sorts of wonderful things, and called me/text me everyday before I could think of contacting him. It was a wonderful feeling of being treated so well and someone focusing so much attention on me. I was so happy!

Meanwhile I also started to observe some of his weird behavior at some point. We decided to go on a trip abroad 2 month after dating. It almost drove me crazy during the preparation of the trip. It was just soooo difficult to get him to plan/organize the trip and get things booked. So I offered to take over the booking and organizing, but we just could'nt negotiate a fixed plan because he was constantly checking out new travel information and putting off booking flight/hotels even though time was very very tight. Also I started to realize he has problems organizing his life. He was ALWAYS at least 5 minutes late during our 10 months of dating, and forgets things all the time. His room is always in a mess, especially pieces of tiny paper scattered everywhere with his writings/ideas on them. It takes him a long time to do anything, and he gets distracted easily. When we finally went on the trip, things were good and bad at times. A lot of times we would go to a tourist attraction and he would just wander off with his own camera, leaving me behind following him.

I didn't really connect all these behavior to any abnormal health conditions back then. I just thought he was really nerdy, and most very very smart nerdy people have all sorts of weird behaviors. At that time he still paid so much attention to me and constantly talked about marriage, children, the wonderful future life we would have together.....So I sort of ignored the small things and fell in love with him.

Speaking of falling in love, he was so loveable! He was so smart, his mind was brilliant, he was deep, and very artistic. He gave me moments of romance that were too romantic to be true. He gave me so much compliments and made me feel so special and cherished. I felt like he was the most beautiful soul in the world.

The ADHD issue came in when I was deeply in love with him. That is probably why I didn't really realize it at that time. One night in his room, I found Ritalin on his desk. I've never seen it before so I asked him what is was. He seemed to not make a bit deal with it and told me it was something to help him focus and stay organized. I asked him if it's serious, he said it barely made any difference. He said he only took one pill every 1-2 weeks. He seemed to talk about the issue in such a light manner that I didn't get too worried. I went home later and looked up the medicine and knew it was for ADHD. But still I thought he only had problems focusing on minor things and it shouldn't affect other parts of his life. So I quickly forgot about the issue.

Good times in our relationship went on for around 4-6 months until suddenly he became really depressed for a whole week. He was so emotionally disconnected and I could barely talk to him. He was so depressed, couldn't focus during conversations, and was falling asleep all the time. When I asked him what happened, he just said that he was sorting out old photos and had to process some emotions. After a week he got back to his original self.

But from that time on our relationship started to fail. He wasn't as happy or enthusiatic with me as before. He invited me to his best friend's wedding but when the actual date approached he just silently disinvited me. When I questioned him about it, he said he became unsure about our relationship. He said he felt there were still things that don't fit together, and there were things till missing in me he was looking for. That made me feel really bad. I felt assessed and inspected.

He still stayed together for another 2-3 months afterwards. We still did things together, but his enthusiasm faded. He said we didn't do enough cultured things or intellectual things together, and he is starting to get bored with me. He didn't call or text me as often, and barely came to see me. I tried all sorts of ways to do exciting/intellectual things with him, but he was just not interested or focused anymore. In the end he said we were not a good match, and he wants a more intellectually compatible girl for him. However all this while he didn't bring up the ADHD topic, he just said that it's very difficult for highly-intelligent and over-educated people like him to find the compatible girl.

At this point I felt so bad. I felt I was worth nothing, I felt I was not good enough for him. Funny enough, I'm not just an ordinary girl working in a pub or selling burgers in KFC. I'm doing a PhD in one of the best universities in the world. I know about science, art, history, culture, politics etc. I have broad spectrum of interests and know how to socialize with people. He specializes in a narrow spectrum of interests and is VERY good at them, and even though I'm not as good as him in those aspects, I could still understand and appreciate how good he was. However that was not enough for him. He wanted more.

What really hurt me was how I was a victim in our relationship. In the beginning he said he like me because I'm caring, traditional and knew about life. During this process he did really bad things to me including restricting my diet (I'm 164cm, 63kg, that's not fat is it?), allowing me to eat nothing but salad when we go out, and never walked me home after midnight (even though I clearly told him I was afraid). He also said many many things about how it would be good if I became a school teacher or do a part time job after we got married. Imagin me hearing that as a PhD student in a world top 5 university!

Despite all the shit I took from him, I still loved him so much. His depth and genius was too attractive. For a while I thought I was ready to become what he want me to be as long as I could be with him. Even after he became impatient with me and started to critize me, I still thought I could bear with all that because I loved him so much. But in the end the last straw was when he said "you have a lot of valuable qualities that matters to others and to the world, but they are worth nothing to me". After hearing that I forced him to say the break-up word.

2 weeks post breakup I searched for answered. I analyzed all the details in our relationship to see what went wrong, and I just couldn't understand why all of a sudden he lost interest and optimism in me and in us. Then I suddenly remember the little detail about the Ritalin tablets I found on his desk. Then I looked for articles about ADHD and relationships, and now I think I've found the answer. 

Most articles are about the difficulties concerning these relationships, but there are also some others saying nice encouraging things. However most people living a happy life with a ADHD partner realize the problem, their partner realize the problem too, and they work together to cope. However when I look back on my ex, he was too intelligent, his academic life and career was too smooth that he didn't realize the downside or seriously of his ADHD aside from the fact that he can't focus and stay organized. His ADHD affected our relationship, but he was not able to realize that and he put all the blame on me, on how I was not the right girl and how I was intellectually incompatible with him. A little bit of him realizes his problems, but he simply puts it as "impatience". 

It's a pity that his talent and intelligence blinded him about his mental defects. And it came to hurt me, a caring selfless intelligent girl who was willing to give him a happy normal life.

I hope people would read about my story and give me some genuine advice. How do I get over the fact that I still love him so deeply for all his good? What should I do? What if I get into a new relationship with a nice, warm caring guy, but that guy is never as smart or deep as him and I would never be satisfied?

Geniune advice please! My soul is really troubled!

I am new to this so please be patient as I bungle my way through this question...... my husband and I have struggled for years.  Two months ago, he began using porn, registered for an extra marital affairs website and began taking a female co-worker out for a number of dinners.  He says there was never a physical affair and that he stopped just short of that.  We separated two months ago and he was recently diagnosed with ADHD (after 50+ years).

We have been talking a great deal and both of us are seeing our own therapists.

He wants to work things out and is actively 'courting' me.  He sent flowers four times in 6 weeks, sent cookies to my son while we were on a mother/son trip.  He hired someone to take care of the yard and spent a weekend at the house fixing things while I was out of town (he has not been a partner in the house maintenance chores for years). 

I want to try and recommit, but I am concerned all of this showering of attention is hyperfocus courting like when we first met.  I read that this form of courting with ADHD partners is due to a rush of adrenaline and endorphins.  My question is......can someone experience hyperfocus courting even after they are married?  Is he experiencing a chemical rush right now....or is he sincerely trying to show his affection with gifts, acts of service and attend time?  Will the proverbial pendulum swing back the other way just as it did shortly after we were married?

...THIS WILL BE LONG...

Hello, I have been reading here for quite some time. Finally I thought it might be useful to give some input as someone who grew up the father has ADD/anxiety/depression and the relationship of the parents can be described as co-dependent.

First of all, when you are a child you think how you grow up is the "normal" way even when things happen that seem to be disturbing after a while. Of course, you do not have any insight or explanation at that point in time. You just live in a certain environment.

So from the few memories when I was little I experienced things like the following at home:

outbursts of anger (sometimes "out of the blue" from my perspective), absolute risky driving behavior (I really thought at times my father was "crazy"), abuse of alcohol, emotional highs and lows, "severe" conflicts with co-workers or supervisors at work, conflicts with parents, in-laws etc., humiliating behavior especially towards my mother, violence at home

So when I was a child after a while I really started to believe that my father was a mean person and my mother was a victim. I really hated being at home and was always happy somewhere else.

In my teenage years things had not changed. What I noticed is: my father was a talker...like he would always initiate conversation with all kinds of people he would meet...and he would talk mainly about himself and his life. He grew up in a home where the father was a hard-working, yet violent man. It seemed that other people were always more important than to him than his wife. He would go out of his way to do something for others - even strangers (I realize know he was feeding off the "oh, you are so kind", "oh, you are so good"...attention/acceptance seeking etc.). My mother somehow always came last. But, like many women do, she would find excuses.

In my 20s I met a guy (guy friend, we probably had some romantic feelings in the beginning but it all stayed a friendship kind of relationship) who told me he was diagnosed ADD. We stayed in contact for about 2 years including many conversations on the phone and we met a couple of times and spent some days together. The more I learned about that guy the more I realized how much he reminded me of my father. I started to see the symptoms in my father like:

- excessive talking

- his interests, problems, hobbies always came first and were main topic (up to this day I can almost "sing" all the 10.000 stories of my father's history whereas I hardly know anything about my mother's history, btw my mother was adopted because her parents could not handle taking care of another child - this might explain how low self-esteem and co-dependency were developed)

- anger outbursts

- alcohol abuse

- violence

- constant conflicts with friends, co-workers, supervisors, relatives (for example, almost all friendships fell victim to stupid arguments that they had simply for the sake of arguing --> stimulation)

- extreme moodiness and a change of mind in "view of life-matters" almost every 3rd day (like claiming something as the absolute truth trying to persuade you to agree with him, but three days later he would proclaim the complete opposite and AGAIN would like to make sure you AGREE... and that was another sign, he is always right)

- conspiracy thoughts (like "everybody/everything is against me", trust issues with each and everything...the doctor or whoever)

What I also found interesting ...concentration issues - of course. We would sit together on a Monday evening for a study project. Most of the times we did not get very far because he could not concentrate OR he got sidetracked by a specific point that we were UNABLE to finish it because he had that HYPERFOCUS on something.

- short attention span (he can never watch a movie or show on television until the end - switching channels endlessly)

- no patience (if my mother went into the store to get something he would start complaining after 5 min "why does she take so long" -  at the same time if he met someone he would easily be 1.5 hrs late forgetting about appointments and stuff. And he would always have an excuse why that was necessary or important

- not keeping promises/agreements/ making rules up as you go and just change your mind if you feel like it

When writing down these points it might all not seem THAT bad...maybe because I have come to grips with the reality of things I just don't see a point in letting it appear dramatic...but almost all posts I read here just describe what I saw growing up at home. If ADD / ADHD was just a matter of being messy and forgetful it would probably not so bad - but the DISRESPECT (oh, forgot about that one...somehow not having any respect for anybody...questioning EVERY authority all the time but then at the same time expecting others to agree with YOU), the many VERY HURTFUL WORDS and DEEDS, especially the alcohol abuse and most of all the violent outbursts created an environment of INSTABILITY...especially emotionally...are hard to take the more time passes by.

When meeting that guy as described above I almost fell into the same trap like my mother did...this always putting up with things to the point of turning into a rescuer and therapist...to the point of losing your OWN IDENTY, losing your friends (my mother has almost no contacts to any people anymore..so my father also had a control-issue). Fortunately I had seen enough to be disgusted with all this and I really started reading A LOT about ADD/ADHD and other neurological/emotional disorders. It helped me enormously. What I have learned is:

Yes, people with ADD can be VERY SWEET and CHARMING...maybe that is why women often have a hard time leaving ADD men despite the emotional roller coaster or even humiliating and physical abuse. People with ADD need help/support - so be a FRIEND (a have a few friends with ADD and I appreciate them very much)...however, I have come to the conclusion DO NOT GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP/MARRIGE with someone with ADD - it will cause a lot of hurt and trouble and you can't win.

Of course, I believe there are people who have a mild version of ADD and then things might not be as bad. My father was probably an extreme case but he NEVER did anything about it. He thinks he can handle it...and all psychologists are idiots in his opinion.

How I see it today: my mother has been abused in the way that she took on the role of an unpaid therapist...giving most of the time of her life while she was treated badly. She even stopped keeping her hobbies/friendships up...except for gardening.

For me personally all the sweetness of an ADD person will still not convince me to give it a try. I felt free when I moved out of my parents home at the age of 23. I realized...wow, how wonderful life can be without emotional chaos on a daily basis.

I understand, my parents both came from bad homes as well and they just never found a good way of dealing with things - not taking professional help into consideration. Either my granddad and/or grandmom on my father's side must have ADD too as I know realize decades later.

What I experienced really had a great impact on me up to this day. I admit, I have trust issues. I have very good friends. But I have never been in a relationship and I cannot even IMAGINE it. I tasted peace and I find I kind of spent all my energy in my 20 years as a child at home that there is no energy left for future "conflicts" of THAT nature. Just thinking of it makes me physically sick.

Also, I have realized how MANY women seem to ignore red flags in the beginning of  relationship and have put up with disrespectful behavior and emotional abuse for years. I have learned - early enough - a man HAS to show a certain respect. If he crosses the line as a habit...it is time to leave...the sooner the better. They should stop promoting movies where the "bad" guy is always rescued by the "good" woman. This is pure stupidity. The "bad" guy can only rescue himself IF he is even determined to do so. I am not saying every one with ADD is "bad"...but ADD can really turn a person into a Jekyll&Hyde - I feel so sorry for the guys but at the same time ...a woman can only help if the man is willing to do his part.

This may sound a bit black and white. I do not mean it like that. I know nobody "chose" to have ADD and it is just one of those terrible disorders that can really ruin people's lives and relationships. I dream of two things:

a) that ADD men would realize that without therapy and medication they will ruin everything in the long run

b) that women would develop enough self-worth to not become a victim/co-dependent and stop trying to "rescue" men - supporting yes, taking responsibility for everything and putting up with bad behavior no.

I know this is a BIG CHALLENGE and whenever emotions are involved it all becomes twice as difficult.

All the best to each and every one. All I can say is: PEACE can be so sweet.

As I surf over the posts on this forum it revels many common themes concerning our marriages, our spouses and us...I just want to address one that seems common to us all....And it's our feelings about the blind spots (emotional abandonment) our spouses have concerning us...It seems based on your comments and rants, along with my life experience's this is very common among us....

So, lets look at a few things we all can agree on as the problems...Based on the information in these forums and again in my experiences, lets try to ask some questions that can help us....

1) We must start with a few questions: Is my spouse capable of doing any different, or maybe a better way to say this is; has my spouse demonstrated the ability see life as I do? Does my spouse show feelings of remorse when I share my heart and needs, but revert right back to a mind that shows it's obvious he/she is incapable or unwilling to change their view of life for an extended period? Based on the years we've shared life with them, we can answer this honestly if we choose to...

2) Next question is am I willing to continue in this marriage? If, yes, then am I willing to continue ranting, talking to myself, counting myself as a victim at their mercy. All because the person I married isn't capable or is unwilling of meeting my needs and fulfilling their promise to do so? 

3) Or can I accept this isn't ever going to change, it's just who they are and accept them as such?

4) Next Question: Am I capable of completely turning inward for my own peace, my own accountability regardless of the circumstances around me...Can I escape my (my mindset) desire to force my will for a beautiful marriage of sharing and responsibility? Am I capable of acceptance of life that I would not choose for myself, but seems to have found me? Can I daily live this life I wouldn't choose and not count myself as a victim?  Am I capable of a peaceful existence with a heart of thankfulness for each new day, I'm afforded? Can I count my blessings, or am I doomed to a mind that will always find a way cry out it's your fault?

5) I choose the more excellent way:) How about you?