I will try to keep this as brief as possible, as I think most of you who have become desperate enough to post personal information about your ADHD spouse on the internet can relate without excessive background information. And in no way do I intend that as an insult. I have come here because I have nowhere else and no one else to go. I am literally considering divorce. I am a very strong Christian woman, so this is almost embarrassing for me to type those words.

I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 4. I AM MISERABLE. Unhappy. Sad. Depressed. Angry. Resentful. Fed up. Way past my limit, and way over my head in frustration. He knows he has ADHD, and has since 2nd grade. He is medicated, with Ritalin, and has tried everything else, so it's not like we don't know what works for him. He continues, to this day, to be a right-fighter, to lie about things that barely matter, and to over and under exaggerate to the point where I doubt he can even tell time anymore because that's how often he looks at a clock. There are numerous other things, most of which are typical ADHD things that drive me insane on a daily basis, including the fact that he doesn't work, has been fired at least twice that I know of in the last 2 years, and could care less about me and our daughter's financial, emotional, and spiritual security.

Should I even be considering divorce? What would you do? WHY DO I FEEL BAD ABOUT LEAVING THIS MAN!? 

So yesterday I came home from a work trip, having been gone a week, only to discover that my husband had been texting with an old girlfriend.  These texts were what he calls "harmless flirtations" - but I call establishing a social media relationship with an old flame.  The texts went well beyond minor flirting and into a level of intimacy and of a sexual nature that are totally inappropriate.  He tells me he is sorry and is struggling with this because he is an "affirmation junky" and was really just reaching out to get this positive feedback (we have ben having ups and downs in our relationship over the years, but thought we were on an upward swing having recently begun to learn more about ADHD and how this has been impacting our relationship).  I don't knwo what to do - I feel like one of those women on the made for TV movies who are totally unaware of the level of deception in their relationship...

We've had issues with trust in our relationship - and in fact I had discovered he was texting with this women a while back (these texts were relatively minor) and had a big blow out about how much this hurt me (this woman threatened to show up at our wedding 15 years ago and object) and asked him to stop all contact with her.  He said he would - but because we have trust issues, I didn't believe that he actually would, so I would look at his text messages.  This is how I discovered his latest email trail with her - apparently he forgot to delete it before I got home from my travels.  He says he is sorry but there is nothing for me to worry about (she lives on the other side of the country)...

I'm so sad and confused...what do I do??

So last time I wrote anything on here was March 20 when I wrote that my husband decided to go in for alcohol treatment after not going to work for 3 weeks and not telling me why. So he had 2 weeks of treatment and came home and all seemed well. He was happy and he told me he was going to work on Monday. Well Monday turned into Tuesday and then Tuesday turned into Wednesday and once again the excuses as to why he couldn't go in happened. Finally that Friday he returned to work. He tells me that night when he gets home that they are saying he is unexcused for one of the weeks he was out. He said he told his manager and the manager agreed that he had talked to him about it but upper management wouldn't approve it and he could be fired. Well he thought all was taken care of and about 2 weeks later was approached again by HR about it and had to sign something that would then be reviewed and then he would either most likely be fired or have to go back to rehab to keep his job. This occurred on May 15. He came home at lunch that day because he was upset and then didn't return the rest of that week or the following week because he said that if he isn't there then they can't fire him and he needs to figure out what to do, which is total BS. IF they are going to fire him, they can do it whther he's there or not!

Well Memorial Day weekend came and he said the following Monday he would return to work and if he had to go to rehab to keep his job he would. Well he is in a horrific crash at the racetrack that weekend and breaks his scapula and 7 ribs and has a punctured lung. Well now he can't go to work.He is off for nearly 2 months and has a doctors appt on July 17 and is told he can return to work that Monday. He tells me he's going in. Well that Monday morning on Facebook he messages me "I was up thinking quite a bit last night. I think I need to quit." Goes into all the reasons why (they may do something funny and fire him anyways when he returns without a rehab option and this way he's going out on his terms and can reapply there for another job). At this point I'm like "Whatever." He's going to do what he wants regardless. So he left his $38/hr job and is now unemployed. Even if he does get hired there again he'll start at $15/hr and once again have to work his way up the ladder, but I don't know why he even wants to work there because he hates it. So I am the only one working, I have been the only one paying bills since March and it will continue. We now have to switch over to my insurance which is going to take a whopping $500 out of my paycheck every month whereas for him it was only $80/month and had GREAT coverage. He had not done any looking for a job that I can tell and has become obsessed with building a pond in our backyard. He built a small one and then this weekend decided to expand it. He spends hours out there arranging and rearranging rocks and lights. He comes inside only to get antsy every15 minutes and go out and look at it and do stuff to it. He gets mad at me if I don't want to come out every 15 minutes and stare at it and have him tell me all about it. I am really fed up with it. It's great and I love it, but he is doing nothing else but obsessing about this pond.

Oh AND since he no longer is employed, that means he is no longer covering his daughter's insurance. She turns 18 in 3 months and I distinctively remember him telling me that he had to cover her insurance as part of the parenting plan. I told him to be sure that they know she is no longer covered. He goes "Well I told her mother a few months ago that I was going to be quitting." Yeah and she probably assumed you would have another job that would cover the daughter! You can't just not tell them that she isn't covered! What if she goes to the doctor or the dentist in the next few months? They are going to get a bill and then guess what? They are going to forward it on to us to pay it! I don't think he even understands how insurance works! He thinks that you just tell them you are under certain insurance even if you aren't and things will get paid for! He needs to pay for her child support and secondary schooling but has no job. He tells me "I'll just use my savings from work. I can get by on that for 4-5 months before things get rough." Okay your savings is retirement savings for RETIREMENT which is still 15 years away! Plus, your 401k savings is pathetic for a 47 year old man. He only has $23,000. Nope he doesn't see it as a problem. He thinks he's the richest man in the world right now with that money.

I'l bet that got your attention. lol  I've been dealing with this topic for well, most of my life since I was raised by one.  I have said enough of this subject before so there is no need to fo over the same ground here.  What I did think might be useful to many of the spouses who come here asking this question, I thought I would share something that has taken me a long time to figure out.  This came about after several, painful relationships with women (in this case) who had varying degrees of Narcissistic personality traits and one full blown ASPD/BPD who wins as far as my own personal experience ( no need to revisit this one either...scary OMFG!)

So in my T office after this brief but very damaging encounter ( I tried to escape but that in itself became a night mare) my T posed this question to me and saying "well it's good that you can see this in other people now but more importantly....do you see why you became involved with these people in the first place."  That's the most important part and the hardest one to face since it only involves you.  You cannot blame anyone else for your choices  yet......God Damned Narcs can be so decievingly convincing sometimes.....especially the covert ones (and especially if they are smart)   Covert Narcs in my opinion are much more scary and potentially dangerous (or damaging) than your full blown over confident, arrogant entitled malignant Narcissist.  They don't scare me much and are pretty easy to spot...then again, this was the type that I grew up with and was use too.  This aspect does make it easier for you to forgive yourself at the very least.  Unless you are a self proclaimed masochist.....most people (including myself) don't seek this kind of thing out with that intention.  Eventually.....you do start to catch on however.....they can't keep the ruse up indefinitely.

The point of bringing this up was from what I learned as the rest of the answer to my T's question.  I was groomed for being with a Narc by being raised by a Narc.  I am (without being very careful and aware) the perfect combination of personality traits and maladaptive default strategies left over from this kind of abuse that a Narc has their radar on alert to seek out.  I thought about this thinking " great.....I had a target pinned to my back and didn't even know."  This still pisses me off at times thinking about but.....it's something that I have learned over time to let go of and learn how to take the target off at the same time.

So, if you are wondering about this yourself (ADHD or Narcissism?)....the first question should be.....am I a target or not?  Am I the perfect person for a Narcissist and someone that Narcissist would look for or want to be with. 

If the answer is no....then it's probably just ADHD ( obliviously inconsiderate at times and naively self absorbed without realizing it half the time.....I resemble that statement but try very hard at this point and time not to be as much as possible....awareness is a big advantage in this process:)

But if the answer is yes.......then you are narcissistic food in some way.  How do you know?  Read and learn as much as possible about his yourself and find out exactly what Narcissists need to be able to be in a relationship with you.  It's not a fun process I can attest to that but.....you will learn a lot about yourself if you can grin and bear your way through.

I found a series on this subject on Youtube from an Aussie dude I really like.  He's a life coach (I think that's what he calls himself?)...anyway.....he has some good no nonsense videos that address this topic straight up and I linked one of the ones that I think is a good start to see if you qualify as Narcissistic food.

here's the link  https://youtu.be/mPmv9_UYpxo

In my thinking here.....even if you are this type of person it still doesn't mean your spouse is a Narc but.....if you aren't a person who would be a good fit for a Narc in the first place, at least it will be easier to eliminate the possibility that the problem you are having are related to more than mostly ADHD itself. 

J