My husband was diagnosed fairly recently with ADHD, but upon speaking with a friend, we somehow arrived at an idea that perhaps schizophrenia was a more apt label. We looked at each other horrified and upon looking up symptoms of disorganized and simple schizophrenia, it seems to fit, especially with a peak age of 25 (he's 28 now, and things have gotten considerably worse over the years). However, a lot of the symptoms overlap. If there's been psychosis (hallucinations), I haven't been told about it, but my husband is very closed off from me and others. He does often appear to be viewing reality from a very different perspective than others and sometimes seems delusional (nothing bizarre, but he has admitted he is paranoid and feels as if people are generally unfeeling and don't care or do/will dislike him). It often feels like he has no motivations, including those for a job, or maintaining relationships with family or friends. He has little initiative and focus, and can be very short tempered. He is also a compulsive liar and addicted to porn (which isn't a huge problem in itself, but he will lie about it, view when he should be doing other things, and we will go long periods of time without sex and instead he will watch porn.  He keeps his living areas very messy and does claim that he literally does not see it. He has very little/flat affect (always) and mumbles a lot when he speaks. Sometimes he doesn't make sense, and he often misremembers conversations and events.

im honestly just very, very worried. We have a young son. I don't want him to shut out his son down the line, intentionally or unintentionally. I'm feeling helpless. 

I'm new here, been reading for a long time but this is my first time posting. I'm in a similar situation as most of the other stories I've read. My husband of 18 years has been on medication for ADD for 5 years and has recently been diagnosed with Depression. Although he does take his medication he's been in denial about both and prefers to blame every problem in his life/our life together on me or take it out on me, it depends on the day. I know this is a sympton of what he has going on but it's gotten worse since the Depression diagnosis and it's taking a bigger toll than usual on me lately. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. My doctor has put me on anxiety medication to try helping with the stress. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells to keep from setting him off and it doesn't take much. Just a few days ago he exploded because he said I gave him a dirty look while I was drying my hair. I don't even recall looking in his direction and certainly didn't have any negative feelings at the moment. It started with a verbal assault for giving him a dirty look then a refusal to admit he was mistaken about what he saw and a huge ordeal trying to get me to say I was lying and just didn't want to admit giving him a dirty look or apologize for it. This went on for hours! My attempts to walk away were met with him following me and insisting I apoligize and smart a@@ comments to push every button I have (he does that one often). He acted like a complete child then just decided he was done. He apologized, said he was mistaken, he felt bad for how far it had gone, ect. ect. ect. It's a pattern and the fight was back on for several more hours when I tried having a conversation with him about what had just happened and why it had happened. This kind of thing is happening every few days right now and I don't know if I can keep doing it. I suspect part of it is adding the Depression medication and still working out the correct dosage but even before the diagnosis I have noticed with age this is all getting worse. 

I recently tried reaching out to his mother and that was a complete waste of time that I suspect may come back to bite me in the rear. They already have a rocky relationship which I have been dragged in the middle of and blamed for. To make a long story short, he blames everything on me even when he is completely delusional or has to invent/lie to do so and he's gotten his mother and sister on the phone doing that too many times. He will admit to me, counselors, and has even told them that he has made things up and told them lies about me when he is mad at me because he wanted to punish me and wanted them to punish me as well. They refuse to believe what he has said are lies and continue carrying out his punishment so we have very little contact with them at this point. We did briefly see them recently and I asked his mom if he has ever told her that he has ADD and she said him, noooooo! HE DOES NOT HAVE THAT! I said yes and he has recently been diagnosed with Depression as well to which she rolled her eyes and said because of the ADD medication. Then she told me how horrible that medicine is and he doesn't need to be taking it. She enables him and makes excuses for his behavior, she always has from what I can tell and I am worried that telling her is going to backfire on me and she will now start calling more and attempt talking him into no longer taking his medication. 

I'm at a loss right now. We are seeing his therapist later this afternoon. He's seen 3 other counselors in the past and they didn't even touch on his problems. He did the same thing with them that he has done with his mother and sister, blamed every problem in his life on me, he can be pretty manipulative when he wants to. He says all they ever talked about was our marriage and his problems with his mother and his problem with expecting me to mother him. He certainly projects her onto me an awful lot! According to him he completed his sessions with first two and they saw no problems he needs to work on. I don't think that's true. The 3rd counselor I was more involved in. He wasn't as easily manipulated so he quit seeing him. I thought I was doing the right thing letting him take control of his counseling but I've seen that I can't trust him to do it so this time he is seeing a psychiatrist who can also regulate his medication and I am insisting that I go to all of his appointments with him. It amazes me that he will walk in and say everything's been fine and going great and he can see improvements with his medication when the truth is we've been fighting like crazy and things are getting worse. 

We have a dynamic I'm trying to shift. He gets anxious quickly over things, and I can't always predict what does it. Last night we had a debate over astrology, and then we had a snack in bed. Our conversation during the snack was pretty normal. He went to put the food back, and when he returned I had my legs in his way playfully. He moved them without comment. He will be playful with the children but rarely with me even though I've told him how much I appreciate the levity. We had a stressful evening the previous day so I was hoping to create some playfulness, and there was nothing. Then he starts to poke me, but I was feeling rejected, so I say sweetly, no, don't be mean, be sweet. And he just stops all effort to connect nonverbally.

Then I tell him, that I didn't want him to stop completely. He does nothing. I say, okay fine then, and roll over. He begins the pattern of deep sighs. I wait, because I'm tired of escalating conflicts over these issues. He finally tells me that he's scared of me because we had been fighting. Since when??? I explained that I had no idea that he saw our debate as a fight, and would have handled everything else differently if he'd made that clear to me. And I added, that it hurts when I tell him all he needs to do is hold me and he doesn't do it. And he still did nothing. 

I'm making progress.... I refused to fall asleep upset. I'm still refusing to feel negative feelings over so many cycles of abandonment. He likes to go to sleep at odds, and then wake up the next day and apologize. That doesn't work for me.

Typing this out, I can see how he was manipulating me. He knew full well what I wanted and needed, and withheld it for reasons I don't understand. He says he was scared, but you can put your arms around someone when you're scared. I don't get it. But at least I'm not letting this situation control me. When he apologized this morning I said thank you, and also added that I don't feel that I can be emotionally open to him right now, because this has happened so much. I told him I don't really feel anything. And I don't feel safe to be in my heart with him. So it was all rather cold and formal. Which, ideally, he would have hugged me and apologized for doing this to me so many times, where we separate and leave things unfinished or unresolved, and then he comes back later trying to act like nothing happened and doesn't want to talk it through. But that isn't how he wants to play it.

Rather than apologize for the impact of his coping style, he walked away this morning (abandoning me again). He wants to have an anxious withdrawal and see me unmoved, but doesn't understand that if he ever really achieves that, it will be because I'm no longer invested in him emotionally. 

After so many instances of conflict occuring, and then he disappears physically or emotionally, and when I explain in clear and simple terms what could remedy the situation, and he still doesn't do it, what does he expect. 

If anyone can relate, or has any insight into these types of dynamics, I would appreciate any additional clarity. It is my intention to change this pattern. I feel a bit like he withdraws to punish me for having an expectation of affection, or wanting him to respond to me a certain way. It's like a weird power struggle, and I feel like maybe it's because he wants to be taken care of, and doesn't want to take care of me, so any time I'm asking him to be in the caretaking space emotionally, he causes a problem. But it's not fair or right to expect me to caretake all the time. 

George Vaillant, Harvard psychiatrist, directed a study from 1972 to 2004. He concluded: Love Is Really All That Matters: "It may seem obvious, but that doesn’t make it any less true: Love is key to a happy and fulfilling life. There are two pillars of happiness. One is love, the other is finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away. A man could have a successful career, money and good physical health, but without supportive, loving relationships, he wouldn't be happy."

It is up to me to find love, appreciate the love there is and let love come to me.  It is up to me to find a way of coping with life that does not push love away.  This gives me some peace to think on thoughts of love.  

I know that love does not exist without trust.  I have lost trust in my spouse because he puts no effort into his relationship with me, but that does not mean I have lost the capacity for love in my life.