This is my first time properly posting here, but I have been reading through thread after thread for a while now and I cannot even begin to express how helpful this has all been. I feel like I am on my way to better understanding my ADHD husband’s reactions and triggers and feel as though there is hope for us and that there are things we can work on to improve our relationship, which had started to seem like it was doomed. But I’m still struggling with trying to figure out how to react and cope with my husband’s short temper and rages, which is what brings me to actually post. 

What is happening now is like a chaotic cycle of cause and effect that leaves us both spinning and I would like to figure out how to break that.

Cause: It seems like the smallest things sets him off, he over-reacts to things that are just a part of everyday life and he is ALWAYS right, no matter what the situation. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to talk to him without things turning into a fight. He has been working a lot lately and is exhausted and stressed and all of that ends up being taken out on me. Even if it isn’t about me, I end up being where he focuses his energy or I end up being in the line of fire.

Effect: I take all of his words and frustration and aggression very personally, which makes me feel as though I need to stand up for myself and not let him walk all over me. I have always been a very independent and opinionated woman, something he often praises me for. And to me, it feels like if I recognize the reasons why he is angry and reacting that way and let the situation diffuse or if I comfort and calm him down, I am giving in to this behaviour and making it seem like it is okay for him to say some of the cruel and hurtful things he says to me. Basically, I feel weak and like a doormat if I just take it and don’t push back.

Cause: So I push back. I tell him that he can’t talk to me like that and that he is being rude and cruel and I'm not going to take it. Which of course he doesn’t respond well to and the fight escalates to another level.

Effect: To avoid all this, I go to the complete opposite side of the spectrum and end up walking on eggshells around him in order to avoid setting him off and I try to maintain a peaceful environment by avoiding speaking my mind or standing my ground. A change in demeanor that he notices and questions and something that makes me feel like I am not my own woman and I am just his punching bag. And then I start to feel insecure and vulnerable and vie for his attention and reassurance and he doesn’t understand why I’m acting like that, so he irritably brushes me off, which makes me feel more neglected and we continue to spiral in that pattern until we’re both exhausted.

I’m struggling so much with what to do and with this sense of myself, with how I can remain confident and secure in who I am and in our relationship without feeling like everything he is saying is directed at me personally and requires me to push back against him. I want to be able to be that strong woman, to not take his words personally and support and empathize with him when he is in a state like this, but I feel like I am just accepting him lashing out and I’m volunteering to be a punching bag.

Is there a middle ground? Is this just a perception of things I have in my head that I need to get past? Is part of choosing a partnership with these ADHD struggles just to accept this?

I genuinely just want to make sense of this, or figure out what I can do to will help us break this cycle and hopefully avoid a lot of the recent unnecessary blow ups we have been having.

[Brief relationship background: Have known each other for 10+ years, been together for 5. He's been diagnosed since childhood and continues to take medication. This was not a surprise to me getting into things, but I did not realize how much of an impact it had on him and would have on me and our relationship until we moved in together two years ago.]

My wife and I know each other for over 12 years, started dating 11 years ago and we been married for 9 years. While our relationship has never been perfect I do love my wife. I have to tell the story for the beginning since I think there were some unresolved issues that probably I dealt with since we started dating. I was married when my wife and I started dating, she knew about, my previous marriage was pretty much over and I was just waiting for my wife to move out the apartment since it was on my name so I can move out too. While this was going on in my life I asked my current wife what was going on with a guy that we knew from work since a few people knew that there was something going on between my wife and I and had told me they knew she was living with this guy. She told me they were just friend. I chose to believe her instead of other people and move along with the relationship. After our first date we went out for breakfast the next morning to find this guy sitting in his car across from the restaurant that we went to breakfast. This became a huge problem she finally confess that they were more than friend, for year I struggle to find more and more stuff about this guy including that she still was talking to him while we were dating even though she knew how I felt about it.

Fast forward 5 years, we were going through some issues together and I cheated on her with 2 different women for a few months. I asked for forgiveness and she decided that she wanted to be with me. I knew she have not forgiven me but we move forward with our relations ship. From time to time she brings up specific detail of my mistakes even when we are not even fighting which it makes me feel bad.

Fast forward to the present, due to my current job I been relocated to another state and I visit my family at least once a month when I can take vacation and every holidays that I get 3 days off I visit. Last month I took a few days off and I went to visit my family, during this few day my wife asked me what do I think about us going on our separate ways, she believes that we are not happy and that we are only together for the kids and she does not want to wait until the kids are out the house to find out that we are not meant to be together. This was very surprising to me since we were not even fighting at this point or anything it was a very settle conversation like we were planning to go the restaurant or something. This conversation continues even after I left, I continue to tell her that I wanted to be with her even though she kept rejecting me. Finally she accepted my proposition on keep working on our relationship but she told me it was all up to me. She said she has tried for 9 years and that everything that she tried has fail so it was up to me to make this marriage work. A week after she tells me she is going to a friend’s house to watch a movie this happens around 6pm and I do not received a text until 1230am from her work phone saying “phone died” I do not receive anything else until the next morning and she asked me why I didn’t reply to her good night text. I told her that I only received the text that said “phone died”. This made me upset. She explained that after the movie she left the house with a girl and talked for an hour or so about issues that the girl has. So I took that into consideration and left it alone. A week later she tells me that the girl that she was talking to is coming over to the house while the kids are away with their grandmother to help her clean a little bit the basement. I said ok, they ende up cleaning  and watching a movie. The following morning my wife had to go pick up the kids early from their grandmother’s house, I asked what she was doing and she mentione that her, the kids, and the other girl were going out. Because it was early in the morning I assumed that the girl spend the night in our house.

The following weekend is 4th of July weekend so I get to go home. On Thursday night I watched a movie with my wife and she spend the night texting this girl, on Friday my wife told me that the girl slept in our bed with her, the same day we went to watch a kids movie the girl happens to come to watch the movie with us, she is not marry nor has any kids so not sure why would she want to come to watch a movie with use. My wife explained that the kids asked her to come with us. On Saturday she spend the entire day texting this girl. I had some suspicious about what is going on and I was pretty upset, my mind was going crazy trying to put this together of what had happen during the past few week. At the end of the night on Saturday I got into an argument with my mother in law. We went home that night me and my wife didn’t speak at all. The next morning we do not talk but I know that my wife already made plans to meet with this girl after she drops me off at the airport. I’m aware that my wife has some adult toys and I was aware of their specific locations. Since I know where they were I checked the night stand and to my surprise the toys had been move and they were all in one location plus a found a new toy. I knew if I confronted her was going to turn really bad so I decide to wait until I left. When I confronted her she denied it and told me that the toys were all there in the same spot that she haven’t touch them. I asked about the new toy she tells me that her boss (male) gave her the toy. After long discussions the following day she tells me that she showed the toys to the girl, I asked if she show them to her while they were in bed together and she did not denied it. We have been arguing about this for over a week now. She says that I’m accusing her of cheating on me because I’m cheating on her, she accuse me of buying a cruise ticket which I show her it was a plane ticket from one the trips that I went to see her but the website that I bought the ticket from has the name of cruise vacations. She tells me that she asked people about the situation and that everyone says that I’m cheating on her. During the confrontation about this girl I told her that I downloaded her text messages and I was going to read them. We share a phone account so she decide to change the password of the account which I received a text letting me know of this, deleted all of her text message and cancel my phone line. When I asked why she did all this she told me she did it because she texted other friends about some personal stuff and about us and she did not want me to see it. To me all these things that she has done in the course of the past month scream at me that she is doing something behind my back and she will tell me. She tells me she is just a friend that has many problems but I heard that story before form her and I believe I will find more stuff in the next few month that she has not told me about it. This is not to mention that she though it was funny to receive an adult toy from her boss and believes that all this behavior is normal. I would like to know if I’m looking too much into this. Please I would like to hear different opinions about this .

My husband's dose of adderall was increased in May, along with a few other new drugs, for anxiety, blood pressure, etc. This past week we brought home my 4 1/2 year old nephew, for good ( my parents have been raising him, my sister is a drug addict, and we are taking him in, forever :)  ). Anyway we drove from NY to NC earlier last week, about 20 mins from home, an argument insued - typical of our daily lives the past 2 months - and he "ignited" calling me every name imaginable beginning with " f'in C-NT!!!!", etc...poured water over my head in the car; threatened to kick me out of car, call 911, drove erratically on highway, all in front of and with my 4 year old nephew present in the car!. Kept telling him to stop, he was scaring him...just got more aggressive. The night just got worse, became physical when I attempted to video him with my phone because he threatened to pee in my car (just juvenille). He attacked me in order to get my phone, tried to lock me out of the house. He ran to my nephews room, and again tried to get my phone, in front of him, and i put up a fight. needless to say, he took it, and i didn't see it again til 10 the next morning. he refused to let my nephew call my parents that night. Since then, 7 days ago, he acts like it never happened,...gave me an orchid with no apology or words,...makes "digs" in front of nephew, but the 1 time i did, called me out,....and has the nerve to accuse me of not "being sweet" and always talking with a tone, whether I really am or not. Seriously?! I'm so over this ADHD bullshit, and mental anguish. Not what I envisioned when I pictured us as a family, not to mention trying for 1 of our own (last chance at my age - 40). So torn & conflicted!! Could this really be the medication?!?! NEVER gotten physical before,...but temper, yes! But nothing like this!!!

My ADD spouse moved out.  I've delayed the dissolution because I've been conflicted about reconciliation, I've been so angry for the past 3 years of bad counseling and getting to the point where we found out (after 23 years of chaos) that he has ADD, I just didn't know what the right thing is.  I wouldn't know what to do if I prioritized myself, I have 5 kids and I've been a caregiver for my grandparents and a special needs uncle my entire adult life.  I'm down to an 11 & 12 year old, a dog, and me.  Do ADHD people ever come back after leaving?  My Husband has convinced himself that our entire marriage was a mistake, he actually tells me that he was lieing when he said he loved me, he seems to have no recollection of any happy times in our marriage.  He's angry that he "lost everything" (meanting our home etc.) but he actually walked away from all the responsibility in my opinion.  I'm losing my mind taking care of everything and the kids and my career.  I know I need to move on, but I can't seem to move on with him telling me that he never really loved me, that it was all a mistake, and that I need to go find a "good man".  I'm 55 years old!  I bought him a house yesterday.  I'm not sure our marriage could work out, but I'm losing my mind trying to wrap my brain around him thinking that the whole marriage was a mistake when I truly believe he is my sould mate.