This is huge... After almost 6 years, 2 of marriage, I have finally decided in my heart that I need to leave. I'm leaning towards legal separation for now.. See if he changes MAYBE we will reconnect, but who knows. Anyways I am in a predicament. He knows I have wanted to leave for a while. But then I changed my mind and we went to counseling and I've stayed, now I have made my decision to be thoroughly done, though I won't be able to physically leave him until 6 months from now, until I finish my accounting degree.. Do I tell him my feelings now and then it might be wierd between us for the next 6 months, or pretend everything is ok until I'm done with school and can move away? 

Also as I sit and type this I am thinking about me telling him I'm going to leave, and I kind of feel sorry and bad for him.... WHY???!!! Ugh the manipulator that he is will make me feel like a horrible person for leaving.... Please tell me it's ok to leave, I've been through enough and I can't take it anymore!!

Hi,

I'm afraid this is a moan!! I've had a bloody awful couple of weeks. My partner recently had to come off his ADHD meds as he was experiencing side-effects and since then he has been depressed and paranoid. He thinks everyone is out to get him, me included. We keep on having massive screaming rows. Apparently everything is my fault as I am angry at him. He never stops to think that I am angry at him FOR A REASON. Like, he never listens to me. Or validates anything I say. Or takes me seriously. Or supports me. Or wants to spend time with me. Or contributes ANYTHING towards rent or bills. 

I have stuck this out through 5 years of drama (his alcoholism, ADHD diagnosis, depression, kid in another country, unemployment, irresponsible driving, threats of violence, you name it). I kept on thinking things would get better, once he sobered up, once he dealt with his ADHD diagnosis etc etc etc etc. However although he is now dry and has a new career, nothing is better between us. I am basically beating on a dead horse. Have been for years. I am just SICK to the very core of my being of never being listened to or having any attention paid to me at all. 

After he got his ADHD diagnosis a couple of years ago, I realised it was a massive deal and that he might need time to come to terms with it,so I gave him time. He went to see an ADHD coach on his own, and with me. Seemed like really helpful couples therapy at the time, but since we stopped going, he has stopped doing everything that the therapist advised. Like literally, he is not doing even one single thing that we agreed on during counselling. I've tried fixing things by myself but it is an impossible task.

I've been going to Codependents Anonymous which has helped me start trying to detach, set boundaries etc. But good grief, I am struggling just to make it through the day at the moment. I wish I had the resolve and mental clarity to know that leaving him is the right thing to do but I don't. In fact whilst on the one hand we are constantly arguing, on the other hand we are buying a house and trying for a baby together (unsuccessfully it has to be said). I feel like I am losing the plot. He is constantly gaslighting me. And bulldozing me. My behaviour is pretty crap too in fairness but I am aware of it and am trying to do something about it. He has no awareness of his own lousy behaviour. In fact, absolutely zilch has changed in his world view over the last five years of the relationship. Five years ago, he was saying that the problem in the relationship is that I am always "attacking him" and need to shut up. Five years on, exactly the same thing!!! I am at a loss what the hell to do. Just make it through the next 5 minutes I guess.

Sorry to vent. Hopefully tomorrow morning everything will be slightly less horrendous. Best wishes to all of you out there wading through the same quagmire of excrement. Solidarity, eh?

I have changed a lot since 2013. 2013 was my breaking point after being married since 1990 (I was 17)  to someone that clearly has lots of issues. One of the most powerful things I have read on this forum came from OverwhelmedWife on Tue, 06/23/2015:

As I've said many, many, many times.  The most awful behaviors by people with ADHD are likely because they don't  ONLY have ADHD.  I think ADHD is really often just a symptom of something more serious.  I guess that there are some people with "just ADHD," but those aren't the ones we typically hear about here on this forum.  I think we often hear about those with the most severe ADHD symptoms....which have been exacerbated by a more serious mental issue.. 

I TRULY believe this since my husband displays a lot of other symptoms but whatever it is, it almost ruined me. He will never know the extent, I can never tell him, and he would blame himself and me anyway, so what is the point?

For many years I pitied my life and wondered what my life could have been. The road not taken. I think I was in love, but as time went on, I could see my life without him and I knew I would be at peace if he was gone. In 2015, after years of accumulating feelings of dread, despondency, pitying myself, wishing I could die, anxiety, I decided to leave. I was not doing it to hurt him, I always wanted to leave but never believed in that nor did I have the guts. I was doing it to escape after that one last explosive tantrum that sent me into a brick wall of realization that after 25 years, he would not change for me. I left thinking he would send me flowers the next day and beg for me to return. No, he didn't. Instead he got upset and said I abandoned him, like everyone else. I came back after 3 weeks and his  one session at a therapist, which diagnosed him with ADHD. I thought for sure things would get better now that I made that big move. The only thing it proved was that I was strong enough to love me for once and save myself. However, he has told others that I acted out of ignorance and that I would never apologize to him. He is right, I won't apologize for doing something for me, since he wasn't going to get help after all my tears and pleas. 

He says he is not rude, arrogant, unloving, it's just his ADHD. Well that is like saying that I am not overweight, it's just my Thyroid. He does come off with those qualities and he can blame whatever he wants, people still see him as rude, arrogant, grumpy, and unloving. 

So here is where validation comes in. I went to see my doctor and the Nurse Assistant told me the husband was there last week seeing the doctor and he intimidated and scared the new girl who took his vitals. My husband walks around like the Terminator and looks very serious at times, but then at home he can be a teddy bear. Why? Ugh! Anyway, he then argued with the doctor which could be heard outside the office, since he feels he can diagnose himself and thinks doctors just want to rob people and not help them. The doctor finally said, "Either you do it or you don't" not sure if it was about ADHD or Diabetes. But when the nurse said that to me I felt relief. Yes, his behavior is NOT in my head and friends, family and strangers now see what I have dealt with all these years. He has left a bad taste in many people's mouths even though they still love him, they see. 

I am starting to pull away emotionally, lower my expectations and observe. All those years I cried and told him I felt unloved because he didn't text me or call during the day and he didn't adjust his schedule for little old me. I could have saved myself energy, time, arguments and tears. I have stopped caring about that mushy stuff just to protect my romantic heart. It still hurts since I want that stuff but it won't happen. He came home the other day at 9PM and after 13 hrs of not hearing a word from him, he hugged me and said he missed me. That must be enough for him, I can't say he is a liar just because I demonstrate when I miss someone and he doesn't. It has left me with a void in my heart. I guess this is how he loves and its obvious that after 25 yrs of knowing me, he can't or won't love me the way I want to be loved. 

It is time for me to break the chains even while staying married. For so long, I kept myself captive hoping I could love him to the point that he changed for me. Now I know that is not possible. If my pain can't make him see that I left because I broke, and he can accuse and ever be vindictive now to try to make me pay, why should I ever think he will see my journey in all of this? 

I am grateful for all the years since it taught me so many lessons. I am even grateful for 2013, the hardest year of my life, when I became someone I never thought I could be due to pain. I feel validated, I feel supported but I know that I am only human and I will not apologize for doing the right thing. I wish so many things for him, he has so much potential. Intelligent, charming, etc. But his demons are not mine. 

My journey begins..."people can be independent thinkers and team players at the same time.” - Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

Okay, starting over. Changing my post. Husband has ADHD and mood disorder issues. I have a history of mood disorder issues but no symptoms for years beyond normal responses to my environment. My symptoms were the result of living in a difficult home environment and with time away from that and focusing on healthy living the symptoms have gone away, but my reactions to some things can still be difficult. 

We have been married less than three years.

I want to rely on him and I'm pissed that I can't.

Husband was supposed to take care of the rent. We usually automate this to avoid these problems, but this month there was an issue. He told me in a text he'd take care of it after therapy, comes home at bedtime saying he stopped somewhere to get the money order after visiting with friends, and they didn't have money orders, so he just came home. We are late on the rent, which I hate. And he didn't even try to go anywhere else. Nor did he call and tell me he didn't find a place that was open to see what I recommended or wanted. Nor did he keep his word that he would do this after therapy. He waited until he had play time. (But apparently also forgot that he said he'd do it after therapy because he told me that I was making it up. Thankfully I had the text to prove what he'd told me in the first place.)

I do my best to not rely on him in these matters, because the disappointment is so deep, and I get so angry and hurt, and I don't keep it to myself very well. I still have not let go of the expectation that a wife can and "should" depend on a husband, that it is a mutual caretaking experience, that I can let go and relax a little and trust him to pick up the slack. So I try to avoid situations where he will risk letting me down, but I couldn't in this case.

I spent the last 3 days reminding him about this. We cannot blend our finances because he doesn't take responsibility for fixing his finances, and I refuse to do it. So we just keep it separate. But that means I require some participation to keep the house going. 

What's worse, is if I raise my voice even from a valid concern like not getting our rent after all this reminding, he shuts down and disappears and just stonewalls. "I won't talk to you like this." So what could have been resolved quickly, wasn't, because he avoids it all. Things were going well the last few days, but we don't do conflicts very smoothly. They drag out because he just wants me to stop being mad.

I don't know if he can't understand, or doesn't try, or what. His level of emotional awareness seems very small. Is that part of ADD also? If I'm happy, he is happy, and if I am unhappy with his choices, he just wants to go away, does not try to understand, often does not want to understand, so nothing changes. That's not fair. He acts emotionally like a child, and learning about ADD I start to wonder if that is actually his brain keeping him from being more mature. I don't want to say that to him because it will add to the list of excuses for why he doesn't follow through.

I am working on not enabling. That means trying to find a balance. I don't want to be demoralizing, but the level of emotion I feel when he doesn't follow through is just really intense. I don't call him names. I try to not intentionally make him feel bad. But I do think I need to be authentic or I will not be able to process my feelings. I will have sooo much resentment to carry around if I just grin and bear it. The problem is he stonewalls, so nothing gets sorted. I end up feeling resentful anyway.

Each let-down hits the same place as all the others, so in spite of my efforts to stay present, to forgive, to focus on the positive, when I do feel let down, it is so intense. It mixes with all the other moments he has let me down. I just don't know what to do with that right now. 

Thank you for this space of community for me to try and understand better how to respond to this in a healthy way. He does try to treat me well, he tries to cooperate, he tries to create a happy space with me. He is learning that I am not his maid, and I am not his ex wife who stayed home and did not ask for any help in the house. I expect an equal partnership and generally he tries to give me that. He can be caring and funny and playful. But the realities of trying to navigate a new marriage with ADD symptoms are wearing on both of us. I often have thoughts of "it's not worth it" when he lets me down and I express that disappointment, only to find him disappearing. So now I'm let down and abandoned also. Yay. 

This isn't easy but I hope if I educate myself it will get easier. In the meantime I am working on making myself happy regardless of what he is doing.