Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Lying and driving issues by: fujibug 9 years 5 months ago

    I'm new here, so bear with me. I've been in a relationship with my ADHD bf for 11 years. We've had a lot of the common ADHD issues, like communication problems, forgetfulness, failure to follow through etc. But I think the one issue that has been the hardest for me to deal with is lying. I guess I can't really be sure when the lying began, but it started causing problems while we were in college. He would lie about things that I'm guessing a lot of guys lie to their girlfriends about, like drinking too much or hanging out with *certain* people, that I would disapprove of.

    But when it continued after college was over and we were living together I got worried. One thing that we really clashed with after college was his interest in joining the military. I am fervently opposed to the military (please don't judge, just my personal opinion) but that's not the only thing that came to my mind when I told him I didn't want him to join. All that time away, and the possibility of him being killed, among other things just made it impossible for me to accept. I told him that I would not go along with that decision and if he wanted to join that we would have to separate. After a lot of discussion he agreed that he would not sign up. About two months later I had the urge to look at his emails, so I did. And what I saw was that the entire time he was continuing to communicate with a recruiter and planning to send some paperwork over to start the process of signing up. I couldn't believe it. I thought how did he think that eventually I wouldn't find out? And if he wanted to join that bad, why didn't he just break up with me since I told him that's what he would have to do? When I confronted him about it, he ended up telling the recruiter he was no longer interested. To be completely honest, I think that maybe the ADHD created some fantasy in his head of how joining the military would fix his life when it definitely wouldn't. Now, years later, he thanks me for talking him out of it. But that huge lie put a scar on our relationship.

    Moving on, we moved out of our home state together and now we don't really have anyone else around besides the two of us, so we spend a lot of time together. It's been good, I think. I would have thought that we would fight and argue a lot more, being down each other's throats all the time, but we actually get along pretty great. But the ADHD has caused some problems for him with his new job. His boss quickly picked up on the fact that he has a hard time focusing, remembering things, and making good decisions. He actually almost got fired several times over bad decisions he has made and at this point he is on his final warning. It's sad because he actually tries really hard and is so friendly to everyone at work, it's just that he struggles with the ADHD. Anyway, his boss is kind of a bully and she also kind of comes on to the men at the company a lot (she's kind of a slut). So I don't  really think much of her and he knows it. At the company Christmas party, she got drunk and made a fool of herself. Well, after that he told me that he wouldn't go to any more company parties because of all the drinking and the fact that a lot of the employees are kind of mean to him.

    But he was just invited to a 4th of July party today and he said he wanted to go to "improve his reputation" and that the party was going to be mostly playing sports and activities. I asked him if families were invited and he said he wasn't sure. Well, an email popped up on his phone and I read it. It was a reply from another worker about how they need someone to bring the jello shots. So I looked at the past emails in that conversation, and the invitation from his boss to the party was in there and it said that the party was going to be at HER house and that it was going to be mostly drinking and watching the fireworks. Oh and that all families are invited. So I asked him why did he lie to me about it? His response- "I thought it would be awkward if you went since you don't like my boss." So that means lie to me about it? He apologized, but I'm still angry because over the years he has lied about SO MANY things. 

    He has lied about stupid ridiculous things like what he ate that day, or where he left his house keys. Things that I'm like, WHAT DO YOU GAIN FROM LYING ABOUT THAT? And he doesn't even know. He has lied so much that I can't even begin to remember most of them. I'm at a loss.
     

    The other issue that he has struggled with that I am really worried about is unsafe driving. He has a really hard time focusing on what he is doing when he is driving. Even when there is no music, no distractions, he just can't focus. Last year, he bought an $8000 truck when his budget was $4000. I supported him because it was a really nice truck. But within six months, he totaled it. He pulled out in front of someone and got t-boned. He had just spent $1200 on it a week before getting the engine fixed and new tires. And because of that, we decided to fix it. We got a guy to do it for $5000. (I know how absurd that is.) And after that I had a serious talk with him about his driving. I made him feel really bad about the fact that he spent the same amount of money fixing it as he had paid for it and it was double his original budget. He promised to be more careful. 

    Well, another six months go by, and he made another bad decision and both sides of the trucks body now need about $1000 worth of repairs. To make things worse, a few weeks after this happened, we were in a parking garage pulling out of a parking space, and he would've hit a pole in the garage if I hadn't screamed. I don't know what to do.

    SO HERE ARE MY QUESTIONS:

    1. HAS ANYONE BEEN EVEN SLIGHTLY SUCCESSFUL IN DEALING WITH UNSAFE DRIVING DUE TO ADHD? IF SO, HOW?

    2. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW TO DEAL WITH THE LYING?

    THANK YOU FOR ANY SUGGESTIONS :) And thank you for reading my super long story.

  • wives with ADHD husbands by: MFrances 9 years 5 months ago

    Here is an article from Additude magazine about coping techniques for wives with husbands that have ADHD.  http://www.additudemag.com/adhd-web/article/658.html. I hope the link works.  I follow their page on facebook and get really good articles for adults and kids. This article is pretty good except I'm not crazy about the first scenario-taking out the trash and the husband gets distracted and doesn't do it.  They go on to say wives feel it's just easier to do those things themselves then to keep reminding etc.  Which is true for me.  They recommend saying things like "I really appreciate that you took out the trash".  This is just me and I know I have my own issues, but I don't like this.  I never get a thank you for doing any of the 1,000's of things I do everyday.  I also try to teach my kids that some things you just have to do.  And I praise them for a job well done but I don't thank them for doing something they should be doing.  When I lived on my own, no one was there to thank me for doing the dishes or keeping the apartment clean.  I did it for the internal satisfaction of having a clean living space.  I went off an a little tangent.  Sorry.  The rest of the article is pretty good, except in my case, if I "checked in" with my husband during tasks he would not appreciate the help, he would yell at me. That's the issue, his anger. I like at the end when the wife says she has learned to just go places in separate cars since he is always running late.  She feels better knowing that she won't be late. 

  • Life teaches us the right path is never the easy one..... by: c ur self 9 years 5 months ago

    What are the options for children and adults when they come to the realization that their day to day lives are being lived in a irresponsible manner?

    1) Continue to ignore it. (This is as for as it gets for most who have no mirror i.e. (parent, spouse, teacher's, friends).

    2) Blame and denial...(do all they can to turn it around and blame someone, make someone else responsible for their actions. This is the common results for those who do have mirrors, it gives them the illusion they need to be able to continue in this lifestyle with no convictions to change it, it allows them to feel good about themselves.

    3) Recognize it, learn from it, accept it as theirs alone, work toward correcting it. (This is the painful process that allows growth and makes this person someone others can enjoy being around)

    C
     

  • Misophonia - Hatred of Sound - Wifeafraid by: jennalemone 9 years 5 months ago

    Selective Sound Sensitivity Syndrome.

    Wifeafraid, I am so sorry you are going through all these things you listed on your first post. I am starting a new thread after realizing these comments would have hijacked your thread in a different direction.  I hope you find a road to wellness soon and that you doctor is a good one that can help sort things out that is going on with you.  

    I just have one comment that I can speak of that may help a few people here...  Those of us who are, by nature,...easily irrtatated.  There is a things called MISOPHONIA.  I have had this since I was a pre-teen but the idea that it is a syndome of so many people in the world has just come to light in the past 5 years.  It is defined as "hatred of repeating sound".  Like when someone is smacking loudly, cracking gum and you are stuck with them in a small room, pencil tapping, clocks loudly ticking....many more but you get the drift.  People have this in all sorts of levels.  I have it, Kelly Rippa has it.  I can live with it because I have the freedom most often to remove myself from the situation.  But it IS literally a HATRED of sound.  Odd isn't it?  At least you can Google this word now and know that about 15% of the population in the world has it to some degrees.  I have a friend who cannot bear to be around someone who has anything wood in their mouth.  toothpick, popccicle stick.  

  • Afraid of seeing a doctor for ADHD by: wifeafraid 9 years 5 months ago

    Hi everyone,

    I am a 28yo woman and finally have comes to terms I may have ADHD. But I am so afraid of going to the doctor for fear I will be called an idiot like I have been called my entire life.

    My husband made an appointment for me this week knowing I wanted one but was afraid to. I'm hoping if I blurt of everything here first that perhaps someone living this way can tell me if I am just crazy, or realistically may have this condition. I guess so I can calm down a bit for the appointment if that makes any sense at all? lol

    For the last few months my husband and I have been writing down (well, when I see the paper and remember to) my 'quirks' so that when I see the doctor I wont get flustered and forget it all like normal!

    Here we go..

    - I am always off 'in space'. I cant stop myself from getting distracted and thinking a million thoughts when I am meant to be doing something. I daydream in so much detail its like I could write a book!  Not good socially or at school/work...

    - I lose focus and train of thought. More then feeling distracted. I will be at a funeral and cant stop looking around and feeling restless and bored. I feel so ashamed admitting this I'm so sorry!!

    - I have zero friends. Literally zero. I am the kind of person who loves people, I am super chatty and I want to be everyone's friend but I cant stop spitting out sentences that make no sense or say things without thinking or drifting off 'into space' in the middle of a conversation. I mix words up constantly or get ever personal without thinking first. It makes me look rude and I swear I don't mean it!! It just happens. I hate myself for doing it. But I don't know how to stop. I was told all the way growing up I was rude, that I would make faces/too facially expressive (no idea I was going it) that I would exaggerate as a child/teen something terrible. I wouldn't mean to, it would just..happen and I would then be too afraid to correct it. Then I was called a liar. Argh.. I don't get along with women, actually its the other way around. I get along great with men, but I don't understand most women and feel entirely different from them. I have a huge inability to tolerate gossip and bull*. It drives me completely crazy and I cannot live with anyone in my life like that. I need simplicity and order from people I need to know where I stand 100% of the time. I cannot stand not knowing things. I feel almost paranoid about it.

    -I cannot stand to be touched. This greatly effects my marriage. I wasn't like this in the beginning, at all. Polar opposite!

    -I forget SO much. I lose my coffee 500 times a day around the house. I will have a drink in front of me and forget its there and go and make another one. I forget appointments. I'm always late. I (im so ashamed) forgot my grandmother was having a get together for my daughters birthday and didn't show up. I swear it wasn't until the next week but I was wrong apparently. She wouldn't talk to me for a month no matter how much I pleaded and apologized! I feel so stupid and hate myself over that. How could I forget THAT??

    -I struggled all through school and dropped out. I am actually not unintelligent, I am advanced in some areas but because I couldn't concentrate on the reading or the teacher talking I couldn't do the work and I NEVER did the homework because I couldn't remember anything from class. I failed everything except cookery classes and literature but that was because I was an advanced student and the teacher allowed me to read more complex books and allowed me to creatively work. I AM a terrible speller though. I have to proof read even simple SMS because I tend to type so fast I misspell everything or type the word twice or I just don't make sense. I was placed in an 'alternate pathways' class because they predicted I would drop out. The class was for those with dyslexia etc.

    - Time flies for me, I swear I will just look at something for 2 minutes and next thing its been an hour. Or two. My husband hates taking me shopping for this reason. I go in for one thing and im our 45 minutes later with a trolley load of things we didn't need.

    -I get really easily irritated. Over anything really. I cant stand 'noises' like tapping, weird noises, house noises or crowds or the ticking of watches...I HATE analog clocks!!! I want to smash them lol I get so angry and irritated over the stupidest things looking back. I am so contradictory. I hate people not talking I hate movies because I get bored and restless and then have to talk or leave. I hate it when people talk too long or when I want to say something I hate phone calls. I feel awful again. I hate it when someone in the family calls to say hello and I have nothing to say and they have nothing to say so they start talking about 'whatever' and I want to hang up on them. I hate SMELLS. Banana is my worst enemy. I gag and have to leave or I WILL throw up. Had with banana loving kids. I leave the room so they can eat them :) I hate clutter. I hate anything disorganized. I get antsy. I am very sensitive to heat and cold!! I get extremely itchy when I'm feeling irritated or stressed out. I am very sensitive to light, it dazes me. I don't know, just SO much irritates me. Too much to list.

    -I am quick to anger. I get irritated and then I start snapping. Not at strangers, at loved ones and this makes me feel ill. I snap and fight and pick. Without thinking, its instantaneous and causes so much pain in my marriage ad with my parents.

    - I always have rapid thoughts ir music on repeat in my head. I don't know how to 'not' think.

    - I have massive issues with insomnia. I had testing done and nothing is technically wrong other then over thinking. I was given a cd of calming music I threw out because I couldnt stand it after a minute. I sleep with the washing machine on at night so its white noise and eventually drowns out my thoughts so I can sleep.

    - I'm always tired because of the above.

    - I live my life always looking ahead and trying to predict things.

    - I suffer from anxiety and bouts of depression. I get chronically anxious anytime I am exposed to anything stressful. An exam or work. I cannot work because of the anxiety. When it gets too much I faint from anxiety attacks.

    - I have dermatillomania which makes like difficult and hard to face in public but I have improved some what with therapy. Make up is my life saver. I pick when I become overwhelmed. Disastrous.

    - I suffer headaches and migraines

    -I feel edgy all day long

    -I fidget all day long

    - I am either over active, go go go or I am a sloth and struggle to do anything at all then have to suddenly rush and then get anxiety attacks.

    - I hate driving because I lose focus easily and scare myself. I can drive somewhere and no know how I got there. I have kids so I refuse to drive out of town and my husband does 90%. I get too anxious. Especially city, the thought makes me anxious. I hate crowds and I get confused with all the cars and fearful I'll make a costly mistake or will miss something.

    - I get obsessive when I get excited about things. I get an idea and I get fixated and spend hours and hours a day researching it or doing it. But the second it gets hard or I get bored I give up. Its not because I don't want to, its because I just cant manage it anymore. I feel so stupid when this happens.

    - I cannot complete anything. I have started many courses to better myself, my confidence and employment prospects and really give my 100% when I start. I daydream and obsess over what I can achieve but then again, I cannot focus and concentrate I don't take the information in and I leave half way because I'm failing. The same applies to business ventures I start, I have the best of intentions when I stat and all I want is to help my family but I ruin us with my bad financial commitments to start and stop these things!! I am talking $20,000+ now. Its so frustrating because I know I'm capable!!!! I KNOW I could do it if I could just 'get it'. Its hard to explain. Hopefully you know what I mean.

    - I LOVE organization and dream of the perfect home but I am so messy!! I just cant keep anything in order myself no matter how many times I start.

    -I am a chronic list maker. I have lists for everything and re do them constantly when they get cluttered with crosses and more items.

    - I am extremely emotional. I do take things to heart. I think a lot of it is from loneliness and feeling so stupid and incapable to do anything at all.

    Obviously I expanded on my list and wrote explanations to hopefully make sense of what I am feeling and experiencing but these are things I have had my entire life.

    The problem is I was diagnosed at 16 with anxiety and depression after I overdosed on painkillers. I was a trauma victim so all the help I received has been targeted towards recovering from that and onwards. I am afraid the doctor will not acknowledge my past and a teen and a child because of this and also because I was adopted. When my parents did reach out for help for me as a child the doctors always said it was just effects of adoption and was seeking attention, but I have never had an issue with my adoption!!! I am afraid I will be simply called an over reactor and an idiot.

    But I cant live like this any longer. I feel like I an slowly suffocating and wasting away in life. I am tired of being useless and I am tired of being lonely. Nothing I do seems to help.

    I want to be a great mother and wife but I fail abysmally.

    I have been diagnosed in the past as having GAD, social anxiety, depression, mood disorders, multiple personality disorders and bipolar. I do not believe I have bipolar or multiple personality disorder for one minute though and refused to see that doctor again. I don't feel like my personality changes. I don't know how to be content though, normal people mystify me.  Its so frustrating to try and explain lol

    I am so sorry this is no long and probably doesn't make much sense. But I just wanted to hear from those with ADHD if this sounds like you or if I will more likely be diagnosed as bipolar or something else altogether. I am so scared of what will happen but I know I need help. I'm not functioning anymore and my poor children are paying the price. I want to be the mother they deserve.

     

  • Why are we allowing this behavior? by: Frustrated Non-ADHD 9 years 5 months ago
    Why is it OK for people with ADHD to procrastinate and get distracted the way they do? Why tolerate it? Why stay married to someone who obviously doesn't care enough to change? People without ADHD need to stop tolerating this type of behavior. It is not OK and it is not fair. NON-ADHD people need to take a stand. I believe it is a made up disorder for people who are simply lazy. I don't think it's right that society has come up with an excuse for these people when the rest of us have to suffer. They need to learn to be responsible and society needs to stop enabling them.
  • I asked him to leave by: HyperBallad 9 years 5 months ago

    Hello Everyone:

    I am so happy to have found this forum. I've been reading it for a few weeks now and feel amazed at the bravery and honesty of what I've been reading.

    I'm writing because I just asked my H to leave today. I packed up his belongings and told him to call his parents to pick him up. He's gone now. The house is quiet - and I feel sad - but happy. 

    We've been together for almost 12 years and chose to get married just six months ago. Last year he had a major brain surgery that he didn't want to do. He could have gone blind - but he was willing to ignore the issues he had until I stepped up and started to make some calls for him to get it taken care of. It all happened really quickly. After the surgery it became clear that he had some issues - big ones - we didn't know where to turn. He was crying all the time - I was angry all the time. The neurosurgeon had the attitude that he was walking, breathing and eating he must be okay. 

    I opened up to my therapist about what was happening and she suggested he get an appointment with a neuropsychologist. Well that turned into a huge deal - he was diagnosed with ADHD, memory loss and host of other issues - executive function, language...it was overwhelming. It still is. But honestly, it made sense. After 12 years of fussing at him about emails, spelling and his inability to bring in any money - it all made sense. 

    Since his diagnosis things have fallen apart in our home. I know he is depressed. I've tried to get him in therapy - we've tried couples therapy. He's barely contributed to the bills over the last year. He returned to college to finish up his BFA - at my suggestion - but only brings in work study checks to the tune of $200 a month. I've done what I can to do paperwork for him to get on disability - but he's mostly gone - busy and uses his brain as an excuse when I ask him for help. I feel aware the ADHD's get hyper-focused - but to me he's just burning a bridge - his behavior is insulting. If he wants to be in this relationship wouldn't he make some sort of effort to help out? Doesn't he see how much I am shouldering? 

    We've also been in business together this whole time - but with his diagnosis I am starting to realize that I've been in business this whole time and he's reaped the rewards of my hard work. He was very manipulative - and had a way of belittling me - so I've always thought I wasn't doing enough. I also have a history of childhood sexual abuse and physical trauma. I was diagnosed with PTSD and a mood disorder - so I admit I wasn't totally clear about what was happening - I was always trying to do my best and make enough money to pay for both of us. 

    I started a full time job this past year - as I mentioned - he's not bringing in much money - and his way of dealing is to do less. For example: I complain about him not helping me pay for the car or car insurance - so he stared taking his bike. I complain about him helping me with my bills and bringing in more money for food - and he'll eat a can of soup for dinner (for the last three nights!) This angers me - because he's not stepping up to do more - he's doing less. He doesn't seem to care about my needs - only his own. What about this relationship we are cultivating? Is this what a marriage is? 

    His family also has issues - so it makes me sad to send him there. His father is an overweight alcoholic who mumbles mean things under his breath. He made my H collect plastic cups from the stands after baseball games when he was a child. He also stole money from my H pretty consistently for yearly trips to Las Vegas - and kept the game going well into H's adulthood. His mother enables the old man - buys his clothes, cooks his meals and puts up with his mean ways. Over the past 12 years I've only spent one holiday with them - and it was painful. I think my H's father was physically abusive to him as well - but he will not discuss this. Also, over the course of relationship his mother has consistently given him money to help out with bills and stuff. I joke that his family is his part time job!

    But what is sad - reading these ADHD forums  - learning about executive function - this whole diagnoses brings to light that my H never learned how to take care of himself. He moved from his parent's basement into a space with me. I enabled him by running a business and taking care of everything financially. I remember when he would suggest things that were on the level of his functioning - I fussed at him - I did not understand - I felt embarrassed - I would gloss it over and fix it. 

    I feel sad that my relationship is ending - but I am happy to have less stress in my life. I guess I hope we can work it out - but I just can't see it now.

  • How WE get things done by: jennalemone 9 years 5 months ago

    I have learned this:

    When dh is not doing what is expected, let's say it is to sign a tax form that needs his signature, I must say, "Here is the 2015 personal tax form.  Sign here please."  Look him in the eye and hand him a pen and the form.

    I don't say, "The tax form is on the kitchen counter, will you sign them please so they can get in the mail?"

    I don't say, "When will you sign the tax forms? They have been on the counter for 5 days."

    I don't say, "Let's do the taxes together.  What day would you be available to that with me?"

    I don't say, "It's your turn to do the taxes."

    I don't say, "Do you think you will be able to sign the tax forms today?"

    I say, "Here is the tax form.  Sign here." hand him the pen and the form. Then stand there and wait until he writes down his name. It's up to me to be firm and not accept any excuses or diversions from him.

     

  • My partner says ADHD doesn't exist. by: jthall 9 years 5 months ago

    I was diagnosed with ADHD (both types) about three years ago. My doctor (primary care) didn't think I needed any kind of medication because I wasn't having trouble at work and had successful coping skills as a child/teen. That's not exactly true--I've been called to task before at work for being distracted by things like the Internet or my phone. But generally I put out good work because it's something I enjoy. I wasn't diagnosed as a child because back then I don't even think doctors knew about ADHD. I know that for all my life people have called me "dense," "thick-headed," "distracted", "off in his own world" and "the Energizer Bunny." I pretty much am on the "Go" button until I go to sleep and then it's the "Off" button and you can't even wake me up.

    My relationship is in shambles right now, and I know it's because of my ADHD. I only found out exactly what impact it was having when I came across this website. My partner had pretty much convinced me that I'm self-centered, selfish, disrespectful, lazy, stupid, inattentive, obstinate (okay that one's true and has nothing to do with my ADHD) and mean. She insists I don't care about her because if I cared, I'd change the things that are hurting her and making her angry. But I'm really trying to fix all these things. I'm not mean, or at least I never intend to be mean, but I do open mouth, insert foot a lot. I had a pattern of blaming others, especially her, for anything that went wrong or whenever I agreed to try something her way that didn't work. And I used to lie a lot to cover myself, particularly to get things my way. I tend to not communicate and avoid conflict because I hate when people are mad at me. I also avoid conflict because I don't think well on my feet, particularly on emotional issues and I'm terrible at verbal communication. I do MUCH better in writing where if I forget something I can edit it before sending.

    So I get what I've done. I understand how I've hurt her, why she feels so angry. I've made promises and not kept them. I've made mistakes that have had financial repercussions. I backed off from intimacy because after working all day I was so tired at night I just couldn't do it. I try to tell her I feel overwhelmed--I'm the only one working, I pay all the bills, AND then I also cook the meals and do the yardwork and a lot of the cleaning. She has back pain issues that prevent her from doing a lot of physical stuff, and I get that. But then when she expects me to be romantic too, it just gets to be too much. Plus she's anal (maybe OCD?), so it's not like I can do a quick rush job of cleaning--it has to be p e r f e c t. And it never is, because I don't notice that I missed something here or I don't fold the shirts the way she wants them to be folded, or I get distracted mid-task and go off and put out whatever fire is calling my attention.

    I'm so happy to have found this site because it made me see that I'm not just a total f*ckup who can't do anything right and a bad person beside. (And I've been called the most horrible names and adjectives.) I see that others are going through the same thing and that there actually can be success and not just failure. To those non-ADHD with spouses who want to deny their ADHD, I say give them a thwap on the head for me. Because I really can see how it affects everything.

    My problem is that to my partner, ADHD isn't real. It's just an excuse. And she doesn't want to hear ONE MORE EXCUSE from me. So where does that leave me?

    Right now I'm planning on telling my doctor that either I need her to prescribe me meds, or I need to find another doctor. I'm also trying to find a cognitive behavioral therapist to help me learn strategies. I already use notepads, post-it notes, my phone apps (calendar, lists, reminders), and anything else I can think of to help me remember things. I'm trying to develop triggers to help me shut my mouth and not interrupt or blurt out stuff. I've decided that at this point, everything is my fault. (because if I suggest ANYTHING is my partner's fault, she gets screaming mad and argues with me for six hours). So yes--anything she accuses, me of, it's my fault; it has to be. I'll just accept that I'm lazy, stupid, etc. when she says it, because again to refute that is an excuse. I don't really have a choice because I do love her, I know I've hurt her, and I want to save the relationship. I just hope the meds and therapy for me alone are enough.

    And yeah I feel like nobody will ever get me, but at least I'm not alone in that, apparently.

  • Defending false accusations-I'm not crazy! by: Kansasry 9 years 5 months ago

    I've spent 2 years constantly fighting my ADHD husbands false accusations of mental illness. Beyond just yelling "You're crazy!" as soon as I express a concern or pain I've been caused by H's actions and behaviors. Here is the pattern:

    Husband behaves outside of the scope of a reasonable person and or crosses boundaries.

    Wife is hurt by the action and states that she feels (insert emotion) when H does (insert action).

    H bristles. He denies the action even if you or anyone else bore wittiness.

    W instantly feels confused. We are working in the mind set of a normal brain and normal social interactions. We can't yet grasp that H is denying action despite proof.

    W tries again, maybe even redirecting the approach.

    H now adds anger to denial.

    W is hurt even more.

    H deflect and redirects the issue back to the W as the false accuser or cause of the issue.

    W defends.

    H must go to last resort to win. He tells you that you are crazy. Not just in the moment emotional (yes that can look "crazy") but places his choice of mental illness labels on you and runs with it. H now needs to protect his ego and image as Mr Perfect. Mr. I Must be Respected at all time and goes public.

    Enter the Smear campaign. The Sympathy plea. The careful creations of lies, omissions, redirects, facts that may be true but taken out of context, deflections to unhelpful questions that do not support his goal. If you (friend/coworker/family) will not provide input that supports my claim, I will ignore you. And add in a dash of "I am the perfect husband." and list all the things you do or don't (true or false) to make your point.

    In the background, H is telling W lies about friends and family. Things that hurt her or make her choose between her husband or others. H runs everyone out of W's life. He guilt's her into isolation. He makes her believe that if the marriage fails, it is her fault. He breaks her self esteem by carefully combining insults that often look like he's joking, by comparing you to other women and giving you tips on how you could look better and be better, by denying you affection and attention and intimacy and giving it to others. In the end, he has you so focused on meeting his needs and expectations, you leave his faults alone. He will do this so passively that when you see the pattern he will have enough redirects to make you question, "I'm I really crazy?" And hello you have been Gaslighted.

    He is in control now.

    I truly thought I was the only one dealing with a spouse like this. I knew my H had ADD since we were in high school. I'm the one that suggested he see a doctor about it. I had no idea that there could ever be behaviors like this. He forgets all that I say. He won't help around the house and can not pick up after self. He forgets appointments and instructions. He can't pass a certification for his job to save his life. He can't sit still unless it's for computer or TV. He talks over me, interrupts, changes the subject and get angry if I'm too detailed. He will even forget you are talking and simply walk out of the room. He will not understand you unless you agree with him. These things I get. I don't love and don't need but i get it. The rest. Well, i don't want to be like my H, but I'm going to say he is the one with a mental disorder. It may be more than ADHD. But its ok to say you have that. A mental disorder isn't.

    I'm so glad i found this link.  It may just save what little wits I have left!

    https://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/FalseAccusations.html

     

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