My ADD husband and I used to have a lot of good friends. We saw friends all the time. I felt we were sought after because we brought fun to gatherings.

A couple of decades later, this is all gone. I have grieved it immeasurably. For many years, before diagnosis, I couldn't understand why it happened. My charming and kind husband started to withdraw from social events and became afraid to speak on the phone. He lost his confidence. I then lost my confidence, because it seems nothing makes you as vulnerable socially as a weakened partner. 

Friends turned on me. They made fun of my husband and me. We let them. Family acted awkwardly as contact became more and more difficult. It was all so unexpected. I never managed to defend myself or confront anyone. I felt so confused and hurt, I finally just gave up most of the people I used to care for. 

And since then, I haven't recovered. I can guess what's wrong with me socially: I'm anxious to be accepted. I don't want to put people off, so I choose my words and actions carefully. I probably constantly scan people's faces and voices for signs of dismissal. People don't like it.

I've tried to make new friends for us as a family. Nothing sticks. We now have the tiniest circle of old friends, and we don't see them very often.

I used to get away with arrogance, feeling generally admired and loved. Now, humble and friendly, and using my tuned-in professional communication skills, I am deep down convinced nobody likes me.

Does anybody recognize this?

How is it that ADD can do this to the partner?

How can I ever regain that confidence? 

Hi all, this is my first time posting anything like this and I'm looking for some advice. As of recently the world as I know it has been turned upside down. In hindsight many of these things have been brewing for a while but it just seemed so sudden. I'm 40 travel during the week for work. We do well enough for my wife to stay home kids, dogs etc. We just purchased a camper as I've been dispatched to a job in an area that would be nice for that sort of thing and that way we can all be together after work. Upon trying to sort out some household things as we would have to figure out some arrangements for her hobby farm animals it seemed too much. That spiraled into her wanting to go back to Florida which is something we have talked about and both agreed on but things need to be done in order to leave. Ie repairs around house prior to listing among other things.  Short story is we went from being together this summer to she wants to take kids to Florida and live there. Throughout our conversations I had asked where I fit into this and she says she's not sure. Her doctor has pulled her off meds several months ago and her counselor seems to be telling her that this is something she needs to do to make herself happy. She's brought up divorce but more so in a way of she doesn't feel it's fair to hold me hostage and can't seem to make her mind up on that. We are great friends, rarely have ever argued, and really get along well in general. Like I had said in hindsight our relationship has deteriorated throughout the years but more so in a drifting apart manner more than anything. But over the last few weeks it has really gone downhill. I know I'm leaving a lot out but I don't want to be too long winded. I asked her if she would be willing to try couples therapy and she agreed so I guess maybe there's hope. I'm just hoping someone has some advice or words of wisdom from being in a similar situation. I deeply love my wife and want to save our marriage I just don't know what to do anymore. 

My husband has asked me to make a list of how he SHOULD respond because he doesn't read my cues, wording, or responses well. I've felt like he has completely disregarded my feelings and opinions for years because he would usually do what he wanted even after he asked me what i wanted to do, then therewould be a big fight and he would say he didn't think it was that big of a deal to me. Since figuring out he has ADHD, I have become much more assertive and emphatic when I don’t want to do something so as not to give him the idea that I could be convinced or that I was undecided (a polite "no" from me was never a full stop, more a beginning point for persuasion or argument for him, causing me to to feel like I am not taken seriously or allowed to have my own opinions about things). Now he is constantly accusing me of being angry or being mean, and defensively telling me to calm down. I'm not angry, mean, or riled up. I am simply being emphatic so there is no "mistake" about my thoughts or feelings. He says he need me to write down what I really mean and how he should interpret it or understand what I'm saying. I don't want to.  I have been very specific for years and he just blew me off.  After dealing with his behaviors with no diagnosis for all these years and getting nothing but pushback when I tried to communicate with him or stand up for myself, I don't think it's my job to write him an operator's manual for dealing with me. I have encouraged him to go to therapy or get coaching since he is completely opposed to meds. He wants to do couple's therapy. I begged him to go for years and he refused, and now I am no longer in a place where I have any desire to do so until he starts taking some ownership of his ADHD and managing it himself because I have done all the reading and research and I feel like he's only gone along with it and done NOTHING himself besides listen to sermons on how to be a good husband. That's great and all, but the problem is bigger than selfishness and character defects. Anyway, am I just being unreasonable or am I correct in thinking this is just another way I'm having to do the work and he isn't making a serious effort?

Hi all, I really feel like I need to let some things out and try to get some perspective on what's happening.

My issues have brought my relationship to a crossroads. I have struggled with some issues for years, some are a carry over from my childhood and others seemed to be from more environmental factors, stresses at that current time, work, money issues, just 'life stuff'.

I have always had a temper of sorts, I would blow up on occasion at seemingly nothing which was always odd as I felt and seemed to my partner to be pretty chill most of the time. My mother did the same thing but on a more regular basis so after some discussions and some failed anger management classes my wife and I seemed to have this big 'ah ha!' moment where we looked more at my past and how I could be affected by it; this is when we looked into cptsd.

Fast forward to around 5 years ago and things weren't any different, I had tried to sort things using techniques I had learned for cptsd and anger issues but I seemed to keep sliding I to the same old issues, the same repetitive actions and routines and time would pass without me realising that I hadn't been doing as much as I should have.

My wife by this point was understandably upset, it had been years of this and it needed to change. I began to look at myself a lot more, to focus inward and really work on myself. Through doing this I feel I was able to connect to a part of myself I hadn't ever done before, I felt things that had been shut away for years and it slowly began to unravel. I muddled through as best I could, trying to tame these now unchecked feelings and my wife, again understandably, was suffering and I hated that. It drove a lot of the feelings about the situation inwards at myself and I began to really spiral into deep shame and self loathing.

After a joking conversation about me always tapping and being forgetful my wife joked that I should do an adhd test, so I did. This was the beginning of a huge realisation.
After doing the test and it pinging up telling me I was highly likely to have adhd I began to dive into researching it and wow, it was like I was reading about myself. It explained everything. Everything about myself and my actions that never fully made sense, that always just seemed like quirks, it was adhd.

That brings us to today. I have spoken to my GP about seeking a diagnosis and have been told that it could take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years to begin the process properly, I have filled out a form and now it's in their hands to refer me further. I have been looking into what therapy options are available to me but as I am currently out of work I am limited to what I can afford. We have savings but I have been worried about using those as they are our lifeline for food and housing costs.
I have struggled lately with the stress of the situation and several other things that have been going on and it has affected my ability to keep ontop of my easily fluctuating moods and emotions, I'm not excusing myself, I know I am fully accountable for my actions I just also know that external factors can make it harder.

When issues crop up my wife likes to talk about them right away, which I like as things can get resolved quickly, but today she has told me that she has had enough. A few things have happened today and I went into a shame spiral which completely overrode her feelings on what had happened. There have been lots of tears, lots of talks and she told me she wants to separate for a while. I feel broken, I know she has been through so much and I've really wanted to make it better for her. I knew this could happen but now we are here I just feel hopeless, she has told me that she thinks she doesn't even like me anymore and I just feel numb. I know I have a massive problem, i hate my broken brain, I hate that I have done this to her and to us and I want to fix myself so badly but I don't know if I can be 'fixed' to be who she needs me to be and that cuts deep and I feel lost.
I know I should have done more sooner but I didn't realise it was the adhd holding me back and making me not stick to things or to follow through on getting help.