Hi

I'm diagnosed since 2 months and together with my girlfriend for almost 10 years, and we have 2 kids.
Unfortunately we are struggling for some years now (not only undiagnosed adhd, but a lot of stuff that got thrown at us from outside)

Since diagnosis and meds, things have been better and actually steadily uphill until the end of last week....
A conversation triggered me (and my girlfriend then of course) and I felt for days like I wasn't taking meds (took my normal dose).

The absolute horror!
Quickly offended, completely forgetful and useless in the household etc., incapable of criticism.
After this s*** weekend then again a real stupid discussion at the beginning of the week.

In any case, both topics were about how I/we want to deal with ADHD and the associated issues.
I would very much like to do this together. Together means for me, together look at what both should adjust or how we can better solve and control emerging problems.
It's very clear to me hat, the adhd is primarily "my" issue and I dont' want her to solve it for me.

Thing is, she is unfortunately also completely exhausted. Already for a longer time, not only because of ADHD. It is simply also very much from the outside on us poured the last few years.

But then she says that she is not my therapist. But I did not expect that. I don't want her to solve my problems and ADHD, only that we solve the effects together (I'm reading "the" book currently ;) )
She also said that she can't worry about the future etc., but has to look at the present and wait for 1,2 years how it develops.
I fear that she is hopeless (although even she said few weeks ago, the meds are really noticable)
What triggered me then and I meant that I do not want to wait simply 1.2 years.
Unfortunately without the addition, which was in my head, that I do not want to wait 1.2 years in this current state.
I wrote that to her the day after, but damaged was done.

While I understand her, that she's completly exhausted, fed up and angry, I have a lot of difficulties that she doesn't want/can't work together with me (she knows what she can improve from her side and tries it), and that her outlook of the (possible) future is not really there.
That she needs a lot of time, and space and is traumatized (just to be clear, I was never violent or anything like that, but unattentive, verbally impulsive and very unable to handle criticism).
But she's not the easiest person either (not to downplay adhd)

I would love to hear your experiences from both sides in similar situations and how you dealt with them.
It's just devastating currently.

Hello everyone, this is my first post here. I am not a native english speaker so, I apologise for the possible mistakes in writing.

I come accross in this forum because I am wondering if my husband -we first met 18 years ago- could be ADHD. I know this is not the way to get a diagnosis, but I need some help in order to speak about this with my husband and understeand if I can convince him to contact a specialist.

The things are not going well between us at this moment, because of the “oddnesses” he always have had but know, after we move to another city and having a 3 year old child I can’t stand it anymore.

First of all, he is always late. We arrived late at every appointment we have: at the doctor, meeting friends and relatives etc (I have to lie about the appointment time with him). He lost so many flights and trains, making me mad (we had a long distance relationship for many years) and loosing a lot of money to buy other tickets. He didn’t have lost more of them just because some flights and trains were in late too.

He procrastinate: he wait the last second to start to do everything: going to the supermarket, going for a run, packing and so on. Even a family trip it’s becoming stressful and frustrating also because he took so many hours -sometimes a full day- to pack and organise his things and I have to wait for him everytime, taking care of our child in the meantime. Everytime we do not manage to leave at the scheduled time but hours and hours later, sometimes the day after.

He frequantly lose important things like wallets, money, documents, keys or forgett things I have said to him; often he doesn’t find his things at home and blame me for that.

He had a lot of small car incidents and collect a lot of fines. He also had a serious car incident once, because of the lack of sleep: infact, he have sleepiness when he drives becouse he also sleeps very few.

He doesn’t seems to have the sense of time: he managed to stay obsessively focused on one thing for hours and hours and think that it passed just 5 minutes, instead of 4/5 hours without care about other people needs. This means that he often forget to give me a call or check the phone.

And so on…. I am very worried because for the first time I am thinking that my marriage is in danger. I am so exhousted, it is like to have 2 children instead of one and I don’t know what to do.

My husband is such a good man, optimistic, with sense of humor and, usually, tender… I feel he doesn’t act like that on purpose, our child loves him and so do I, although I am so angry with him now.

Surprisingly to me, he does’t seems to have issues at work, he has a high profile career in the military, he is excellent at his job, he always have had very high grades at school and at the University, although I know he always been considered “hyperactive” by teachers and parents.

Thank you for any suggestion you’ll make

I am the non-ADHD spouse and my husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD. We've been together 13 years, married for 8. He finally sought a diagnosis after a few years of impulsive decisions that had a increasing impacts, financially and emotionally, on our family and I was at the end of my rope. He is trying meds and in therapy. I have decided to stick with it with the hope things can improve. This forum has been so enlightening for me and so grateful I found it. So many things said here I could have written myself. 

Among the many ways our relationship suffers is this sense that things are constantly on his terms, and it's been getting worse. If I ask if he wants to do something with me - either in the now or sometime in the future - he deflects, avoids answering, or sometimes it seems like a look of panic crosses his face for a moment. I'm not talking about big or difficult asks. I'm asking about things like sitting together for a few minutes on a quiet evening, seeing a movie, having dinner together (either out or one that I've cooked), listening to the outdoor concert a block away, going for a walk, intimacy, etc. I have tried being clear about what I want but that doesn't help. As a result, I rarely even bother to ask anything anymore. Forget about asking big things, I long ago learned not to bother planning trips or buying tickets to events in advance. As I write this it is a beautiful evening, the kids aren't home, and he's on some mission to accomplish a task that has been sitting for a month but is suddenly urgent. I'm lonely. 

But then.... fast forward to a few days after I've asked about 'x', and he'll ask me if I want to do that 'x' and gets angry and withdrawn if I say no. Early on I would have said yes because I figured I should take what I can get. For a while now though, I feel resentful that things have to be on his terms and say no. If I go along with it I just feel sad and angry the whole time. If I try to explain why I'm saying no, he doesn't, or says he doesn't, remember what happened. This same dynamic plays out trying to find a time to have meaningful talks about our relationship. He'll walk in a room and start talking and I feel blindsided. I explain that I would prefer to plan a time so we, or at least I, can both be clear and focused. and he deflects. I'm not sure how we'll be able to work on improving our relationship and finding ways to navigate marriage and family with his ADHD if we can't just be together let alone make time to really communicate. I find myself wondering why I should stay if I'm basically living alone plus managing the household because he hasn't been a partner in a long time. It's like this weird cycle where to fix one thing we have to fix another.

I'd so appreciate knowing whether non-ADHD spouses have felt this way and/or get some perspectives about what's going on in his head.