My husband and I have been together 7 years;  it was second marriage for both of us and we blended families.    Yes the courtship was so attentive and we ended up joining households very early.   Just before Covid my husband was laid off from his retail management job.   He's also been through a major organ transplant and 3 joint replacements.    Given my job is an executive level,  we could afford to live on my salary and he was able to stay at home through Covid.   Subsequently we discussed that we should do our best to preserve his body and he'd stay retired.     He's struggled with purpose.    He worked high volume retail and coached a sport very competitively.    I thought retirement would be freeing for him but he's lost purpose.

Well the lack of purpose he's depressed and jumps from hyper-focus to hyper-focus.   I don't trust him with money.    He went through a hobby collectible hyper focus that spent thousands of dollars.   I ask for minimal money for the household but then have limited pocket money, while he has a couple hundred to just blow weekly.    The usual chores dysfunction - just easier to do it myself.

We are seeing therapists separately and together.    He now identifies his issues but we are making no progress.    I find if I try and express my needs I'm "controlling" and he double downs on his position.

I'm working my way through the book but I feel so alone in my marriage.   He thinks I'm insecure by feeling ignored, but well sounds like I react like the non-ADHD spouse.     He pushes himself hard with friends and I get the grumpy sick version.  

Partly just needing to vent, but need some encouragement to keep movingi forward.   

Hello again, divorce from my severe ADD husband is slowly progressing.

Things are surreal. My husband who for 22 years has relied on me for all planning, prioritizing and all ideas, and the brunt of practical parenting, who hasn't been able to reliably work even part time in five years, now has great confidence in making an equal parent for our children post divorce.

He is convinced he will be able to work as much as it takes to put up a reasonably large home. He wants the children to live with him periodically or as much as possible. He thinks he will be able to plan and cook meals for them (which ADD has prevented up until today). He believes he will be consistent for them once he moves away from me.

Hearing this is certainly an experience for me. Basically he says I've been so negative for his health, that all psychiatric illness he's suffered will be gone with our relationship.

I have no words för describing how it feels. Imagine that I've overworked myself onto the brink of self-destruction for this. To compensate for him resting in bed all these years.

To anyone who hesitates to leave a dysfunctional partner for fear they won't manage on their own I'd say: go ahead and do it. 

Long time lurker here, posted a couple of times. My backstory: my 9 year old son was diagnosed with cancer at 8 months old and he fnished his loooong treatment plan and fully done and released in Sept 22. So we are almost fully out OUT which is a big deal. And my husband has been recently diagnosed with ADD this year and is kinda doing ok, but kinda not. It's a roller coaster to be honest and one that I'm not sure I want to be on anymore (but that's for another post). I'm the non-ADHD spouse and will raise my hand that I've enabled, parented and all the other things that I've learned are not that great to do. My husband and I together for around 19 years, married for 15. My child has been displaying some tendencies at times, but nothing flagged yet for a diagnosis or anything yet. 

My question is this: how much do we 'shield' our kids from our spouses? 

I've noticed lately that my son has taken to requesting to make requests. My husbands under-management of his ADHD symptoms as well as his outbursts and definite disregulation absolutely RULES our house. I don't even know where to begin to try to correct it and it's so overwhelming day in and day out with how much has just been 'left' for someone to pick up and deal with (and I'm admittingt hat it's usually me who picks it up so many times I've been trying to work on NOT picking up the emotional baggage that my husband brings to each day). So my 9 year son makes these requests JUST TO MAKE A REQUEST. So he's literally asking to speak and ask a question before actually asking and speaking that question. It broke my heart yesterday bc I don't even blame him but I hate that he's learned this behaviour from me, our home, our family, etc. We often don't know what kind of mood my husband will be in and simple requests, i.e. picking up something, cleaning up after yourself, etc can be met with such anger and then some days he acts like he's shocked that we are walking on eggshells around him. 

But I am just so mad at myself for letting it get this bad. I don't even know where to begin to help correct it or even just help my son to be more assertive (if that's even the right word to use in this situation). My husband then will say something so off the wall to me about our son and then he won't even acknowledge that he was the cause of the distress and then doesn't do anything to repair with our son, and just ignores it and keeps going (and then wonders why our son gravitates towards me more).

Or maybe it's the case that it's best to just keep focusing on myself, showing up for my son and trying the best I can do...and leaving my husband to just flap about. It sounds cruel but I have depleated all compassion and empathetic resources for him. For me, in 10+ years I want to look back and be proud of how I acted and what I did. No matter the outcome. 

It's just so fucking hard. All of it. Exhausting and hard. Any advice in relation to kids - specifically when they are around this age of 8-10 years old. I'd appreciate it. 

My wife in 20 years has never helped me.She's 52. I have to cook, clean, do the bills, buy groceries, cut the grass, decorate, take her to her appointments etc for over 20 years. I've never had a meal made for me, Not for my birthday, not for Christmas. Never. She constantly acts like a bratty 16 year old and I just can't get her to be responsible. A few times she's drained our bank account to give her sister money for drugs. I've had to sell our old home and move to a new city because she stopped working 12 years ago. I have no friends nor family here. I get the blame for everything. her family hates me because she makes up stories when we fight and calls them to get what i call " negative re-inforcement" Her attitude has always beem " I don't have to do anything I don't want to do" so we fight constantly about chores, money etc. I never thought that someone I've cared for so much can make me feel so unimportant. She doesn't know (or remember) anything about me. I truly feel if something happened to me she wouldn't be able to answer any question a doctor etc would ask. Everything out of her mouth is " I don't know or I don't care" . She's addicted to her tablet to the point of she believes the conversations she says she's having with 80's rock stars. As I write this, she walked out to go to her sisters  because we had an argument about her being inconsiderate. She's done this dozens of times in 20 years. For a time her threat was "I'm leaving" each time she didn't get her way. Of late it's " I'm killing myself" because i yell at her because she didn't do her chores or find out our bank account was hacked. 

Am i stuck with this? As usual she disappears for 3 days and then just shows up saying she's packing her things and leaving. I remind her that her sisters have families and you can't just walk into their lives and disrupt it. That's when the I"m killing myself comes into play. 

I don't know what to do anymore because i'm so sick of being angry with her. 

I don't understand how someone can consciously not help someone who has done everything for them in the last 20 years.