Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Overwhelmed and Need Help by: lemontwist 1 year 2 months ago

    Hi. I (30M, diagnosed ADHD) and my girlfriend (36F) have had multiple arguments over this and I want to see if I’m being unreasonable. For background, my girlfriend and I have very different "social battery" levels, with her almost constantly having plans and me wanting a lot of alone time. We frequently butt heads regarding this and I usually end up having to go to every event unless I'm ill (which does happen frequently - I also get migraines once or twice a week).

    For the past month, I’ve had very little alone time due to a combination of multiple trips and work. I flew to visit my sister and infant nephew for a week, came back, and then a few days later my girlfriend and I left on a two week trip that my girlfriend planned to visit her relatives across the country as well as a week exploring a rural area. When we came back, I had to work for several days, and then on the Saturday after returning we had to drive to her parents house to pick up our dogs (which they were very kindly watching during our trip), which took up the whole day.

    On the Sunday, I wanted to have basically a day off from doing anything, because I haven’t been able to for several weeks now, however my girlfriend had RSVPed to two separate pool parties for two of her friend’s children that would take up all day. When Sunday morning came, I was extremely irritable and snapped at my girlfriend about something petty. We had a huge argument and ended up both being upset for the first party. When we got home, I basically went into a full shutdown mode and cried for the entire time before we had to leave for the next party.

    A few days ago we argued about this again and I told her that 1. I need some days to myself to recharge, more than most other people do and 2. it’s unfair that I don’t even get a choice whether to go to events like this with her friends or not. I told her that I want to be able to compromise on going to these events, because sometimes I do just need a break. She told me that I don’t get a choice for these events because it’s important to her that she and I get to spend time with her friends. She also reminded me that her ex never went to these events with her, and that she was not willing to be in another relationship like that. At this point, I exploded (which I admit is wrong). I told her that I haven’t been able to see my friends for an entire year at this point because we always have something scheduled every single day off and that the friend group we were seeing that day barely even treat me like a person when I’m near them. She gave me the silent treatment afterwards and I apologized the next day. She agreed that that weekend we wouldn’t schedule anything and I’d finally have a day off. I agreed, but then on Saturday she demanded we have a date night and on Sunday she wouldn’t leave me alone all day and complained when I kept moving to another room. She also got upset when I went to my PC to play games with my family.

    To be honest, I’m reaching my wits end with this. I’m now running on 5+ weeks without a single day to myself and am at my breaking point. Any insight from those who've dealt with similar in the past would be super helpful, from both sides.

  • How do i cope with separation? by: Elliej 1 year 2 months ago

    Hello.

    Ive posted here a few times and this community helped me. 

    Ive no idea what to write today. Im 9months into a "temporary" separation. Only now has he sought medication but only for his situational depression. Nothing for his ADHD. He still hadnt sought therapy, but says he is doing internal therapy, lots of reading around coping strategies. He says people like him struggle to sort difficult tasks and im pushing him to do things in my timeframe.......but its been 9months separated and a year since i raised im not happy. Im not sure his internal therapy is working as when i ask him to stop blame shifting he said "what the fuck are you on about, blameshifting. Going on about this again". Immediate erruption, then narky, then calm again. Its all too much. 

    I feel now he has been diagnosed, its like i see him for the first time. The mask is off him and im not sure he ever really loved me. I was more of a meal ticket.

    How do you cope with being the one who instigated the separation and ripped your family apart? How do you cope being on your own after 20years? 

    I have no hope left. Ive tried everything to save my family, and ive no hope now. 

     

  • How do I get through to my ADHD husband? by: Exhausting 1 year 2 months ago

    Hi everyone, I am at my wit's end.  After umpteen conversations with my ADHD-diagnosed husband about how the marriage isn't working and I need to move on, I finally had to tell him that I just don't feel love for him anymore.  I never wanted to actually have to say this as this causes so much hurt, but things are not moving towards a point where we can separate.  We have had so many arguments - him screaming and shouting at me - with the last straw being him punching 4 holes in a wardrobe door a few weeks' ago.  I can't take the damage to property as well as everything else!  After another blow up the other night when I told him how I was feeling, the next day it's like nothing has happened and I'm sure he thinks that tirade I was subjected to the night before has fixed everything and we are back on good terms.  How am I going to get through to him that the marriage is OVER?!  I will not leave my home .. we have already talked about putting it on the market .. but he just isn't getting it.  Or is it that he is so paralysed at the thought of being without me (who does everything for him!) that he is just blocking it out?  I feel so trapped.  I have to get away from this madness, the constant walking on egg shells and crazy making behaviour all the time.  Thanks.

  • feeling confused and overwhelmed by: doghome 1 year 3 months ago
  • Hope for the Future - J by: J 1 year 3 months ago

    I wanted to share some things I've learned about having ADHD, and any limitations I've experienced in my life in more recent times. Coming to this forum, helped me learn a great deal about ADHD an how I can apply them to myself. First and foremost: figuring out what was ADHD and what was something else? That appeared to be the biggest challenge I faced in finding out the particulars as they applied to me. I now have a pretty good handle on what they are.

    In no particular order, I'm:

    -ADHD..emphasis on the hyperactive 

    -Dysthymia...or chronic low grade depression. It's just under the radar most of the time, but, it's always there. Been this way, most my life.

    -Dyslexia....mild. Not really a problem but, it appears at times in subtle ways.

    -Anxiety/ OCD/ Hoarding. The OCD is very mild and manageable and hasn't been an issue, but, I still recognize the tell tale symptoms at times which makes me feel aware and in control. It's good to know what your seeing and then, what to do about it.

    The Hoarding I simply went cold turkey. I sold everything I owned except what I could fit into my Van and moved out of state. Now that's one way to do it!! Lol It feels good not to have all that "stuff " anymore. And, I don't miss it. The biggest lesson I learned!

    So what I've learned is this. I went completely off any medication and decided to go wothout. My depression was definitely there, so I defaulted by going back to what I know.....swimming. 

    In three months time, I lost 20lbs, and was swimming up to 6,000 yards in 2 1/2 hours. That's 3.4 miles if you convert it. 

    I proved to myself, that at age 65, I could still do the same distance as when I was 18 years old. I dug down deep, and found it in me once more.

    From there, I've kept proving that I have no limitations except my own false beliefs about myself.

    I've returned to work....put in 10 hour days, got a raised, and am out performing my co-workers that are in there 30's and 40's. I can sit down and focus and concentrate for 8 hour stretches...without a break, and without taking a lunch. I do this, by will, self discipline and hyper-focus. No medication except a double espresso in the morning!

    These things I have are only limitations, if I allow them to be. Digging down deep everyday has become my quo. Cleaning, staying organized and hygiene have all improved dramatically with the help of my girlfriend who's paved the way in providing a neat and organized living space to follow her lead. I'm not perfect, but, following instead of leading works, seems to be key for me.

    As Yoda said: No try...only do

    J

  • Help, I'm close to divorce by: brandguy 1 year 3 months ago

    I'm 51, diagnosed with ADHD about 12 months ago and have been married for 24 years.  I just found this community and I'm afraid it may be too late.  The effects of ADHD on our life and marriage have been substantial over the last few years and even as I type this my wife is sending me texts telling me that  it's over.  She barely believes that ADHD is real and keeps saying that I'm using it as an excuse for bad behavior.  I've started  listening to the book and feel like it's literally my life.  I don't want to get a divorce, this is devastating.  Any advice?

  • Does she not love me or is it ADHD? by: milian 1 year 3 months ago

    I have real communication problems with my wife. We’ve been married for 13 years and for the whole period I have been incredibly confused by her lack of communication. 

    She rarely sends me messages or replies to messages that I’ve sent her, even if I send her pictures and thoughtful things I rarely get an acknowledgement.  So I have stopped doing it which is really sad. I see things I would usually say or share with a partner throughout the day and I just stop because I think there’s no point. A loving, connecting part of me has died. 

    Usually a message I will get will be functional “what’s your sister’s dob ?” and I will receive no chat on either side of it or thanks when I reply (hey morning how you doing, what’s your sister’s dob, great thanks catch you later” etc.). And yet I see her chatting with her friends via WhatsApp and Facebook regularly, sending messages and photos, but not to me. She’ll often sign messages to her friends with kisses but almost never to me. It all feels very petty. But is very confusing.

    When we discussed this or I bring it up she will often say “oh I’m so busy, I can’t think of you all the time” or to say that I am needy. And often she seems completely unaware that she hasn't communicated and quite surprised that I'm annoyed. But it feels like there is no communication or affection with me at all and it's been an issue always that still causes me lots of stress and anger  

    I don’t know why she would naturally communicate with her friends but so little with me. The sad conclusion I keep coming to is that actually she’s just not that into me or doesn’t love me that much to be bothered.  I feel as though I ticked the “find husband” box which was the hyperfocus at the time which then became the wedding hyperfocus and the have children hyperfocus, but that as soon as the husband box was ticked there was no need to continue feeding it. Or as I am starting to understand it no longer provided the reward or buzz.

    She is currently away for a month with our children on holiday and I get almost no messages or photos and when I ask for them or bring them up, she’s often frustrated with me and irritated like I’m asking too much from her or criticising her. She is very spiky, defensive and aggressive and I have become very wary of upsetting her. Instead I put up with the titbits I get and try to be very gentle and tactful. 

    I am really sad.  I genuinely don’t know if she doesn’t care and is not interested in me or if it’s ADHD. I have read about issues with object permanence and communication difficulties and the thrill/ reward mechanism wonder if this is related, and the fact that I’m not around means she’s just not thinking about me or thinking about sending me stuff but doesn't mean she doesn't actually care or love me.

    But then I’m confused because she is chatting and thinking about her friends who she communicates with a lot. They are incredibly important to her and she suffers from rejection sensitive dysphoria in anything related to them. 

    In the vacuum my confusion and insecurity is vastly magnified. I replay things over and over trying to understand them. We have recently separated which I don’t want and I am left wondering if my marriage has been a lie or whether ADHD is a huge part of the picture and there is hope for a different way of understanding what is going on and relating. 

    If anyone has any insights or can relate to this experience, I would be very grateful. Thank you. 

  • How to manage communication when the ADHD partner is also the nag/ spiky/ aggressive one? by: milian 1 year 3 months ago

    I am very confused and would really appreciate some help. My wife has ADHD and I am autistic. I have read a lot about couples where the non-ADHD partner can become the organiser and the nag and the ADHD partner feels like the child always being told off. 

    However, in my case, my wife has ADHD and is also the nag. She is incredibly intolerant, angry and irritable.

    If I do 10 things she will notice the one thing that is wrong and not the nine that are right or she will notice the faults in the nine that are right or tell me I should’ve done them differently or not done them at all. 

    She gives me looks and talks to me like I’m a child, but I feel like I’m living with a child or a stroppy messy teenager.

    When we talk about this, the usual response from my wife is to say “oh you’re so sensitive”. 

    My confidence is on the floor and I can’t seem to get anything right whatever I do or don’t do. I am on edge all the time. We have been married for thirteen years but have actually recently separated and I have moved out. 

    I don’t know how to deal with this. I realise a lot of it is my wife externalising her own frustrations with herself by assuming the parent role to shift the child role onto me and is not “my stuff”, but I am unable to stop it affecting me. I am on edge all the time trying both to prevent criticism and attack as well as do thoughtful things to please her (which are rarely acknowledged), even though I realise it’s an impossible task. I don’t know what is ADHD, what is personality and what is my own insecurity.  I feel like I am going crazy and am doubting myself fundamentally all the time. 

    Any help very much appreciated. Thank you

  • Communicating with adhd people by: andicass 1 year 3 months ago

    I have been in a relationship with an adhd woman for 5 months, and it was the best things maybe that happen into my life. I am very succesful in what i do, i take care of my self a LOT but however we have been broken up for 6 months with my ex,  i still miss her so much. In the 5 months together we made a LOT of things together, we travelled, had some incredible experiences and have been to some amazing places. She told me that in her past she was not a very good person and that she have adhd, but i didnt care about her past and Rolf her, because i was seeing her Only for the things she was giving to me and she was really appreciating that and the fact i was the first male that shows interest about her past. At the time i was moving to another country and was a big change for me. She was always talking to come and stay with me and that i was the first person i was understanding her and that i was so deep in the way i communicate with her. We were Both around our 40 and with very good Jobs.  I didnt know a LOT about adhd and i was not informing myself as i am doing right now. However after one week that she was in my new country with me and turned back to Uk, after telling me that i was the man that she wanted to spend her life she called me and broke up with me but wanted to have me as friend in my life. I have had a LOT of experience with women in my life and i thought that friendship should not be the best choice, because i felt very frustrated emotionally and i was not understanding how a person can change her feeling in a week. She told me that she have never felt for me and was a mistake that she said to me that she loved me but i still was for her the most amazing person she ever meet. In that time that we were together helped her financially, she didnt asked me, but i wanted to show to her that i wanted to be present and started to write a book for her too (my language is not english but i am a very good writer). However i decided to stay as friend because i was thinking that she was overhelmed by something and i wanted to be at her side. But the fact that she was not responding anymore to me as before, made me frustrated becsuse i had just started my life in a new country and was completely alone. After some time, 3 weeks after the break up she asked me space and i told her, i will give it to you but i was thinking Only of her. Asked her to talk but she told me that she was not in the Mood. After 4 days she asked me for space, a reservation we hade before for summer trip to santorini came at my email and i forwarded the email to her asking her, What should we do, should we go or not, becsuse i needed to make the payment. She cancelled the reservation and blocked me. I tried to contact her but she Told me that i had disrespected her. I tried for 6 month to make a contact with her through Phone or messages but everytime i finish blocked as soon as she read what have i wrote or my voice on the phone. Never offended her Only asked to talk and writing loving words to her. Gave her 3 months without contacting after some time that i send her a LOT of gifts asking for apologise if i have done something that i have hurt her, but never took a reply. I trief to date other people too, but i am not feeling the sparkle that i had with her and the connection that i had with her. Yesterday after 3 months i tried to call her again from another number, because i am still blockd, just to talk to her and try to understand for what i disrespected her and at least not to have this kind of ending with her because i still love her and i miss her everyday but she directly blocked me and i have never felt so bad in my life. I dont understand why she blocks me everytime meanwhile i Want just to have a talk with her and try to fix something with her if we made wrong. I am very frustrated and the fact i dont know what really happened that she completely changed her feeling in one week and i dont Know what i have done to hurt her, have opened a wound Inside me. I Want Only to know if somehow i have hurt her. the last thing i Want is she to be hurted becsuse i have started to understand how frustrating adhd can be but on the other side we have feelings too and is not right to be treated like this and always finished blocked meanwhile i just try to build a communication. every person who have a similar experience csn help me with a tip. I still Want to contact her but dont Want to hurt her more. 

  • My adhd and my wife’s anger and treatment by: AlleyOop23 1 year 3 months ago

     

    I am really not sure what to do. Our relationship has devolved into just awful. My wife has thrown things at me, pushed me, criticizes me constantly.  From her perspective, I’m withdrawn. She’s lonely. I haven’t planned things for her or for our family (kids 11 and 13). She believe I don’t co-parent with her and that she’s carrying the emotional burden of the home. And she is.  In part because I’ve abdicated and in part because she’s simply elbowed me out. I do things with my kids, I spend time with them, I believe I’m a good father. All this context to write this:

     

    We are both adhd but in this she presents like a the non-adhd spouse. 

     

    Friday we went to an outdoor on the lawn movie. I packed everything. I didn’t bring plate. I thought we’d all eat out of restaurant containers. She excoriated me and talked to me like I was an idiot. For her it’s about the bigger picture – what other details are you not managing? I can’t rely on you and I’m stressed.

     

    Saturday and Sunday I got my daughter ready for her first overnight backpacking trip. We went through the checklist – but didn’t finish it completely. We packed up the pack and hiked four miles. We went to target for missing items.

     

    At this point, with the checklist unfinished and the bag still packed, I make a bunch of assumptions.  1) we’ll finish it later, 2) her mother will want to go through it since she doesn’t trust me, 3) we’ve got two more days 4) her mother is taking her to the orientation on Monday (they leave Tuesday) so the two of the will figure the rest out.  And then the day gets busy. I communicate NONE of this to my wife, who is out and about.

     

    Fast forward to the end of a very busy Sunday. I made a big list of things to do for the backpacking trip, for the house, for our upcoming late August vacation. I’m crossing things off.  But there was an email I didn’t read about everything needing to be ready Monday morning for the orientation and my daughter needing to bring a lunch. Well now it’s late and my wife just goes off on me for how she needs to do everything. She’s sarcastic, snotty and mean. But I have to admit that I validate the underlying anger. She’s frustrated and she feels alone and put upon.  I wish we could handle these things differently, that she wouldn’t humiliate me in front of the kids. Or that she’d let me fix it and let it go. Or realize everything doesn’t have to be perfect. But it does stress her and I can see that.

     

    SO here’s where I am. The whole family’s been diagnosed ADHD for about 2.5 years. I am on meds. I’ve got a therapist. I worked with a coach. I’ve listened to so many podcasts and read books and articles. But I can’t remember the plates and I cant remember to read the email. And I am so tired and angry. I am so sick of being yelled at when I am trying my best. I understand men stick women with the emotional labor. I’ve made suggestions about how to split things up and track them and she just says I won’t be able to trust you’ll do it. 

     

    I am at the end of my rope. I can’t take it anymore. I read the Orlov book and it’s us. But she won’t engage with me on it. I don’t have a choice but to divorce her because my self esteem has been worn to nothing. Yes, I forgot the plates and 100s of other things over the years. And no, I didn’t read that email and I made unstated assumptions. But I don’t know how to remember the plates and to read the emails. We can split, and I’ll continue to work on me and at least I’ll be yelled at less simply because we don’t be living together.

     

    I am writing in the hope that someone gives some great advice that can save this marriage or help me remember the plates, though I am not hopeful.

    I am at a point where I plan to say I can't figure out how to remember the plates or to read the emails and I can't figure out how to tolerate you treating me in toxic and emotionally abusive ways I respond to your real and often understandable frustrations. 
     

    (and yes I know it's not about the plates or the email)

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