Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Challenges with my new diagnosis and non adhd husband by: Hopeful-and-Fre... 1 year 2 months ago

    Married 13 yrs. Husband suffered a mild mtbi and severe physical injuries from a bicycle accident.  He was hit by a car.  He has fully recovered,  but it took place about 8yrs.

    During that time my adhd symptoms became severe and affected my life dramatically. I think I reacted to his angry outbursts and he often experienced road rage with me in car.   He doesn't remember much about  the accident or several months after. His memory of that time never returned. 

    I have flown under the radar for my whole life.....decades....

    Who triggered who, it doesn't really matter but I walked on eggshells for several years as he healed.

    I guess I lost all my structure when he was hurt so badly by the .  He was often very angry and critical and experienced road rage which was very frightening to me being in the car.

    I was naturally drawn to his type A engineer but I think my adhd has been very overwhelming for him normally.  Now that his rage is under control he is doing great.  My symptoms are off the chart.

    Trying to hang in but not sure if too much damage has been done to our relationship. 

  • Alcohol by: Beachlover68 1 year 2 months ago

    So, I'm gonna be real. Anyone else that has used wine as a way to cope w/ ADD of spouse?? I have. Now he is using that weakness against me as yet another way to not be accountable for his ADD which continues to desecrate our marriage. Now he can use my wine habit against me. He doesn't drink at all. Father alcoholic. So, black/white issue to him. I can't win. Ever. 

  • Learning about ADHD is making me even more hopeless by: BurnedOutLady 1 year 2 months ago
  • Need to vent by: BurnedOutLady 1 year 2 months ago

    I'm sorry. I just .... need to scream. I really need to scream. But it hurts my throat so I can't scream. 

    I am reading the book ADHD effect on marriage. I will have my ADHD husband read it as well. But in the meantime, and even though we are deep into discussion about his ADHD, and ostensibly working on it together, it is in FULL FORCE.

    Short version is that he procrastinated on something important that I spent WEEKS trying my best to get him to do. In the meantime we had an event to do together and I spent WEEKS talking with him about what I would need from him the day before the event. To help me. To show up, ready to help me. He promised to do so. 

    Cut to today, the day before the event. He now has to do his other work that he procrastinated on. He can't be fully available as he promised, and even better, he is doing EXACTLY WHAT I BEGGED HIM NOT TO DO. Which is act put upon by my needs, act like he doesn't think there's much to be done, demand that I tell him exactly what needs to be done even though it is a dynamic situation that requires simply being available, paying attention, and doing what comes up through the day.

    People, I TRIED. I prepared for this for weeks, and still I could not get him to do the basic things needed. And he acts put upon, even though he agreed to be available today. When I tell him he should not have procrastined, he would then be available today, he tells me I'm "chiding" him and he gets angry and defensive. 

    I know. I know. It's all the fucking ADHD. I hate this damn thing. It just makes life so stupidly and unnecessarily stressful. The resentment that builds up is so toxic. The exhaustion of the same damn thing over and over again, no end in sight, and relentless lack of comprehension on my spouses part that is so baffling and infuriating. 

    And worse, our lives and work are all tied up together. We work together. I have to rely on him. And I can only be certain, right now, of one thing. He will somehow ensure that every single time I need him for something like this, he will not show up. It's like he pathologically sabotages everything. 

    How am I going to survive with him? How can I ever be calm and happy? I work with other people and it's no problem. NO PROBLEM. Everything is fine. Smooth. But with him? Always chaos and stress as he takes on too much, procrastinates, ignores things that need doing and does what he wants instead, and then blames me when I finally get frustrated or angry. And when he talks about the past it is always revisionist history. He remembers it as he wants to. 

    I just needed to vent. This is hard and sad. 

    Over and out. 

  • Partner dx with ADHD in childhood cheated but was remorseful and promised not to lie and cheat again by: hazelknuttss 1 year 3 months ago

     

    Me (34F) and my ex boyfriend (33M, dx ADHD during childhood ) have been exclusively dating for 7 months. On the first day we met, he already asked if we could date exclusive into which I agreed because I am looking for a serious and lasting relationship. As we date, I noticed his closeness to other women, one he has a female best friend who he dated before and second, another woman who he said is just a friend. I established my boundary that talking to a lot of women daily is unacceptable to me and meeting them in private is also disrespectful. He said he minimized talking to them and met them seldom. But the second woman was always the one I had a feeling has feelings for him more than a friend. 

    Fast forward this September, I got angry at him for not answering his phone. He was not the calling guy and only does videocalls because I am used to doing it with family and friends. I got a feeling he is with another woman or is doing something in hiding. I went to his house and told him I am mad as he has been ignoring my calls minutes after our last message. He has been doing it before too but this time I got extremely emotional about it. As we were talking, I saw some pills on his table and to my surprise, one was a contraceptive pill. I was mad as hell and asked him to whom it belongs. After that he told me everything. That the second woman slept at his place last night and also slept there 7 or more times since we dated. He also told me he dated this woman before me! I was so angry that I told him to message the woman and tell her not to meet again! I slapped him and punch him on the shoulder and said a lot of awful things! I was so mad all I can think of is call him names. He said the reason he did that was because sometimes when I am not around he needs someone to be there. That he is empty inside and nothing really reached his heart. He said they never had sex while the two of us are dating but they took a bath together and cuddled which I told him was disgusting! I asked him more than 10 times if they had sex or not because I am worried of contacting STD to which he consistently answered no they didn’t have sex because to him, she is not as attractive as I am. 

    We get back together then he broke up with me because he said he can’t forgive himself for what he did and that he needed to find himself. He was crying so hard the day I found out he was lying. He even cried more after that, even while we were dojng groceries, he would cry. He promised to never lie again and not do it again but he needed to heal before going into a relationship. He broke up with me but then asked if I could wait for him until he figures himself. 

    H told me he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was young. I never gave it a thought so much but when all these happened, I searched and read a lot about ADHD. He also was diagnosed with depression and had anxiety throughout our relationship. My question is: 

    1. could it be that because of his ADHD he made impulsive actions with another woman and may also be the woman stimulates him more because they have the same hobbies and likes? He also said they are both lonely and different so they relate to each other

    2. When he told me he loves me and wants to build a family did he mean it or he just said that to please me because he knows having a family is one of my dreams. 

    3. When he said he won’t lie and do it again did he mean it or there’s a big possibility he would do it again?

    4. Should I wait for him or just let him go?

    I need help for clarity! Thanks in advance everybody!

  • Tired of rejection by: moghe78 1 year 3 months ago
  • Non ADHD Spouse Looking for Help by: maryehughes95 1 year 3 months ago

    Hi there my name is Mary and I have been married to my spouse for 4.5 years, together for almost 7. He was diagnosed with ADHD a couple years back and it's been tough. Right now he is on a business venture to start a Marijuana grow, which has been in progress for over two years now, with little progress made, and lots of money spent. He lacks the ability to focus and stay on task, and it's impacting our marriage. I feel resentful over it because I feel like this business is destroying our marriage, but it's also his dream and I don't want to negatively impact that. Our finances are a mess, our house is a disaster, and he keeps spending more money on stuff for this business. 

    His other issues include mood swings, he gets super angry and throws things (never at me though), he can't sleep at night, and he is full of numerous ideas and plans that are super unrealistic. 

    Any tips or tricks on how to navigate this would be super appreciated. I am so stressed and overwhelmed, and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. 

     

    Thanks in advance. 

  • ADHD Diagnosis Criteria by: MLB3695 1 year 3 months ago

     Very new to all of this and grateful to have found this site. Married 13 years and miserable most of that time. My husband is 65 and displays most of the classic symptoms of ADHD. Can't remember anything, loses track of time, unreliable, misplaces things, absent from the marriage... the list goes on.
     

    At my insistence he recently had a full neuropsych evaluation that found no problems with early dementia, intelligence or memory. They noted that he has adult ADHD tendencies but could not give the diagnosis because - wait for it - he *couldn't remember* having ADHD symptoms before age 12. His parents are both gone and his oldest sister can't remember either. Is it true that he can't get an ADHD diagnosis (and, therefore medication) if nobody can remember if he had early childhood symptoms? He hasn't seen a psychiatrist yet but is it even worth it if we don't have the early childhood piece? 
     

    I am beyond frustrated at this point. Thanks for any insight. 
     

     

  • RSD by: Starlight123 1 year 3 months ago

    How do I help my partner who has RSD? The RSD  incidents get extreme from me saying normal things which trigger them because of their insecurities and sense of failure. 
     

    I am constantly trying to help and support them. It's draining because I have to continually apologise for saying what would be normal things to anyone else. Friends notice how they behave and say I've done nothing wrong. 
     

    They lash out with cruel words, give me the silent treatment, go off for hours and then I wait until they come back to be told off. 
     

    it happens very regularly. It's impacting on the way I feel about them. They tell me after that it's their fault. Sometimes it resolves relatively quickly but other times it goes on for hours or into the next day. And I never know what will trigger them. I really try and want to say the right thing but just keep upsetting them. Don't know what to do. 

  • What I love about my ADHD partner by: zepedac 1 year 3 months ago

    My ADHD partner is a beautiful soul. She is so sweet and gentle and empathetic, and capable of spreading love all around her. When I think of her in my mind I picture her in the woods, caring for all the plants and animals around her. The sun is shining bright and the air smells of citrus. She is a source of light. She is a source of warmth. She brings life and energy with her wherever she goes. When she is gone it is dark, it is quiet, it is cold. She is my healing presence. She teaches me how to unwind, and she makes me feel safe. She allows me to let go of my learned, high-strung behaviors.

Pages