Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • I Need A Pep Talk... by: Pbartender 12 years 3 weeks ago

    It's been a little more than 5 months since my wife moved out into the spare bedroom.  It's been a little more than 4 months since I was diagnosed with ADHD and started treatment.

    I'm happy with myself and the progress that I've made...  Physically, emotionally, socially, professionally, I'm doing far better than I was a year ago.  I'm making improvements to myself and to our home.  I'm getting along with my kids better than I ever have.  I'm getting back into some of my stress-relieving hobbies.  I'm getting out and learning new things and making new friends.  I cook, I clean, and I get all the bills paid.

    But I feel like I'm just about at the point of giving up on my relationship with my wife.  I'm beginning to have a hard time keeping up my motivation to continue trying to make things better with her, when she makes no effort in return.

    When she moved out, she said that it was with the intent of getting a little distance and improving our relationship and regaining our friendship.  It seemed to be working at first.  But now, almost half a year later, it feels like the situation hasn't changed, except that she's sleeping in a separate bedroom with no physical contact of any kind -- I haven't gotten so much as hug from her since Father's Day.  She said if the arrangement wasn't working out, we could talk it over...  Well, I've been trying to talk it over for weeks, and she keeps dodging the issue.

    She ignores me when I try to talk to her.  She avoids me when I try to spend time with her.  She doesn't pay her fair share of the bills, but always complains about having no money.  She doesn't do her fair share of the household chores, but always complains about the house being a mess.  She hasn't been paying as much attention to the kids as she thinks she has.  She refuses to go to couples counseling and she quite literally runs and hides if I confront her about our problems, but insists that nothing will change and nothing will ever get better.  And yet, even though she's threatened it, she's made no actual preparations to leave or to file for divorce.

    Throughout our entire marriage, whenever there's things have gotten difficult in an important way, she ignores the problem, hides from it and waits for it to go away.  It never does.  And she's doing it all over again in a huge way.

    I don't think I can keep going with the status quo.  Being separated in the same house without her cooperation, makes me feel like I'm beating my head against a wall...  like I'm dragging an anchor...  like I'm slogging through mud.  I start feeling pride and satisfaction over a personal success or just feeling happy about life, and I can't share it with her.  If I try, her attitude drains it all away.

    I want to move forward...  I want to either complete the split and move on without her, or to work together with her as a team to rebuild our relationship.

    Either way, I'm feeling down about it and I need a pep talk...  I either to regain the patience and fortitude to continue waiting until she's ready to work with me, or the courage and strength to end it.

    My next counseling session is Monday.  I'm waiting until then to get my coach's opinion, but I'm on the verge of giving my wife an ultimatum, of sorts, to force a decision...

    A) If you're going to stay, you need to make an effort to be more involve with the family and to really try to make things better...  You need to help more with the bills, help more with the housework, learn something about ADHD (because the kids probably have it too, and you're not helping them the way you should) and start going to marriage counseling with me.

    B) If you can't do that, then you need to move out and find your own place to stay.

    C) If you can't do that, then I'm moving out and finding my own place to stay.

    *GRUMBLE*

     

    Pb.

  • When You Have Been Hurt So Many Times... by: cbrooks123 12 years 3 weeks ago

                                           **PLEASE NOTE: I WELCOME ANY COMMENTS/INSIGHT YOU MAY HAVE!**

    I have been with my spouse for four years, but only married for four months. Finally, after years of the same dysfunctional patterns repeating themselves over and over did I suspect that something may be off with him. I am a nurse and should have known sooner, but I was looking at myself as the probable culprit of our friction. Of course, both partners contribute, but...

    The first time he exploded and told me that he was "Done," i.e. wanted to break up after an argument, I was shellshocked. This finally resolved and we went back to our former intimacy, albeit not so passionate as before. So began a long and gut-wrenching process of him telling me he was "Done" any time things got difficult, which, inevitably, they will, especially as you join lives and the every-day stressors set in. But hey, we got past all those things. "Things" meaning him telling me I had inherent flaws, flaws which meant, ultimately, our relationship would not work. You name it, he blamed it- I was angry (yes, I was sometimes, with his behavior), I spent money irresponsibly(although his spending has drained our bank account many times), I wasn't part of the "team," etc. etc. etc.

    Flash forward to me breaking off our engagement in July of this year. Finally fed up with his tantrums, passive and outright aggression, verbal and emotional abuse, I decided I had had enough. He was devastated. And I...surprised. After all his posturing, he acted as if his world was ending. And I love him deeply, so when he implored me to stay and marry him, that is what I did.

    Today, here we are, married for just four months. Now, because I had been suffering depression for about a month and was contemplating suicide, he told me to just find what made me happy and do it. My job was a huge issue, as they had been treating me unfairly, so he said I should just quit. Fearing for our financial state, I did not quit, but I did cut back on my hours, and took time off school. Soon, he was extremely edgy and short with me. Later, I find out it is because of the decrease in income. It got to the point where he became angry at me and lashed out any time I brought up any work issue, spitting out, "If you hate it so much, quit. I'm tired of hearing it!" Of course, if I did quit, that would not be right either, because then I wouldn't be bringing in money, i.e. not being "Part of the team."

    All of this came to a head about two weeks ago when I saw we had a negative checking account balance, and the main reason was countless debit card charges by him. I took his debit card back, as we had previously agreed, to put it away, so the temptation would not be there. I was quite surprised when he blew up about it after I told him I had put it away; he had agreed to this a few months before, knowing he has an impulse spending issue. He screamed, cursed and hung up, only after telling me that I was "Completely selfish" and "Just didn't get it." That day, he stopped talking to me. For days, he hostilely ignored me until I finally forced the issue and he just blurted out he wanted a divorce because "You just don't get it, you are not part of this team, and things will never change. We just don't work."

    I was devastated, but thought this was the pattern simply playing out again. Sure enough, he is starting to show signs of softening again: being affectionate, talking to me, hugging and kissing me goodbye when he leaves. And yet, a trip we had planned for months is coming up in two days and he is still saying he does not want to go because it is
    "Pointless to pretend when we just don't work." I am guessing within another week, he will be back to his old self again and it will be as if it never happened...again. But how many times can I take this? Yes, I love him, but I don't know if I can keep this madness up.  *PLEASE NOTE-I WELCOME ANY COMMENTS OR INSIGHT YOU MAY HAVE ON THIS!*

  • Adderall withdrawal? by: allsplitup 12 years 3 weeks ago

    My ADHD husband and I split two months ago, after he flew into a rage one day in early August and left. We had been having serious trouble for about three years, and had been in marriage counseling. He had been taking Wellbutrin for about a year and Adderall for about six months at that point, a 10mg dose twice a day. I didn't really dig into it in August or over the last two months, which have been a nightmare of custody battles and legal wrangling that pretty much wiped us out. But we settled, and for the past two weeks haven't had much contact with each other. The drop-offs/pickups for the kids are at school, so we don't see or talk to each other. My contention all along has been that he's mildly bipolar II as well as being ADHD. He's obviously always been ADHD, but about three years ago started to cycle through depressions and then rages about every 4-5 days.

    Anyway, he has seemed suspiciously "together" the past two weeks, at least via Facebook and other reporting (he says he's close to getting a job, he switched rooms with the kids, he made soup for them, he signed up to be a class parent, had a dinner party and things like that). I had a moment of regret, and then I thought, you know, it's far more likely that he's temporarily hypomanic than that they suddenly got his shit together. I wonder if he went off his meds? So I poked around a bit and found that the last time he filled his adderall was July 2, which was also the last time he saw his psychiatrist. The pills would have run out at the beginning of August. His meltdown was August 9. Was it withdrawal? He never mentioned that the doc was going to put him on a different medicine. No other amphetamine was filled. He hasn't seen any other doctors, at least ones that bill the insurance and he doesn't have $400 to shell out in cash for an appointment. I wonder if this whole two months of hell was just because he went cold turkey, and it spun him back into his mood disorder. And if it was, why? 

    I really want to know why he doesn't know he has a problem? Why would he let his marriage end, almost lose his children and bankrupt the family -- and not do anything about it? If he did, indeed, stop taking the meds in August, wouldn't a person's first thought be, as he drove away from his family, hey, I wonder why this is happening? Maybe it's because I stopped taking a very powerful drug that I need to get anything done and so I don't scream at people? And as the horror progressed, why did he do nothing about it? And now, he probably thinks, wow, I feel great. But there's always a down to his highs. After 10 years together, I can see them coming. 

    I can't turn back the clock, but if there is a down coming, I worry about his visitations with the kids. He has them nearly half the time, and I fear what's going to happen if he does get a job, and has to juggle real life like a regular person. 

    Has anyone who has been through this with an ADHDer who just goes off meds got any thoughts on what the progression might be? If I have to go back to court, I will. But I don't have anything I can prove right now. I can't tell the judge, "I know he's off his meds because he made soup." Although, I bet all of you here can recognize that as a symptom. 

    -allsplitup

  • Jaded by a Former ADHD Partner by: therippleeffect 12 years 3 weeks ago

    It's been a while since I've posted on this site, as I'm no longer dating someone with ADHD. It took me months to figure out that I couldn't handle all the struggles that came with that relationship, but I finally ended that unhealthy relationship and haven't looked back nor communicated with my ex.

    I have just recently starting dating someone new, and I have a hard time believing this person is even real! The level of care, attention, and stability is so much greater than I could have imagined. I feel extremely happy - for the first time in years - and feel as though I might have met my match. He is calm, patient, and extremely mature - all qualities I've been looking for. 

    However, there is this nagging in me that I can't stop. While I know this new man does not have ADD/ADHD, I feel as though experience has led me to believe that all men I date will have it. I know this is not the case, but I can't stop thinking in my head: "Is this a hyperfocus stage?" even though this man shows no signs or symptoms of ADD/ADHD. On occasion, he seems distracted, and I immediately think back to my ex. But this level of distraction is just typical for any human, I'm pretty sure. 

    I know this sounds like I am worrying over nothing, but I can't help but feel jaded by my ADHD ex. I was so mistreated - and for so long - that being treated well feels almost foreign. I can't help but think that I am getting duped or tricked again. I guess he had much more of an effect on me (and my sanity and self worth) than I ever imagined. 

    How can I stop thinking that every guy I meet will have ADHD? Does this way of thinking sound crazy?

  • Am I Too Hard On Him? by: dazedandconfused 12 years 4 weeks ago

    The past few weeks have been hard. My ADHD hubby has been distracted beyond belief. The progress we had been making on our marriage just seems like it's come to a screeching halt. Some days I'm fine, and then other days, like today, I want to scream and tear my hair out.

    He's been distracted because he's looking for better work. He's been working in a bar as a DJ/cook/bouncer for over two years now. He's finally had enough because he's nearly 32 years old and he's sick of dealing with stupid kids and washed up losers. I know he feels his situation keenly. Had he not been fired as a police officer, he would be a sergeant right now. But he's not. He says he feels like a failure and knows that he has disappointed me, his dad, etc.

    I know there are many of you on here that would give your eye teeth to have a husband hyper-focusing on finding a job, but it's so hard for me to deal with his inability to give time to multiple things in his life. In pursuit of a new job, he's had to drop two of the four classes he was taking at school. He told me Saturday that he failed one of his tests and he didn't know why. I know why. He's stopped studying. I don't know if he even attends class regularly. I'm fully expecting him to be put on academic probation after this semester. Perhaps I pushed him too hard. He's brilliant in my eyes, so why shouldn't he be able to take 12 hours of classes and work? I took 15 to 18 hours of classes in college and worked 20 hours a week. I didn't have any problems and he is way smarter than me.

    Maybe seeing the results of not attending class or not studying will shake him up. He needs to get his associates degree at least. He hasn't been able to another police job on the three years experience he had. Having the degree could make the difference. Not to mention that he has a standing interview with the state police force should he get a Bachelors degree. But will he ever?

    And what of us? Should I just sit back and not worry that I never see him? That "spending time with me" constitutes very little conversation for about an hour before he goes out? Last night it was he needed the money so he was going to download music at a fellow DJ's house, re-mix it, and re-sell it to another DJ. He left at 8pm and I woke up at 6am and he wasn't home. I called him in a fury--"How in the h*ll do you stay up all night?" I ask. "I lost track of time, I was mixing music. I've got to make money. The truck's guzzling gas because the transmission is slipping. I can't ride the motorcycle...the front tire is flat, it's too cold..." He got home at 6:30 and fell asleep on the couch. I tried to wake him a couple of times, "Go upstairs to bed," I said before his eyes rolled back into his head again. It finally took me yelling at him and even then he just stared at me with that look. The "I've done something wrong and I don't know what" look before he gets up and go upstairs. I'm so mad that I leave my lunch behind. When I realize it, I'm a mile from home, running late for work again, and I'm so angry that I floor the car. But the think is so old and so heavy it barely makes a difference (besides drain my gas, I'm sure). I start crying on the way to work. "Why do I live my life this way? I shouldn't constantly have to monitor my thoughts to keep the bad ones from taking over and convincing me that my time into all of this is a waste...that it doesn't matter that I love him and he loves me...nothing will ever really change." Or  "Why do I have to defend him to my family, to his family, I shouldn't have to convince them all that he's a good person, just misunderstood." And even better I just wanted to turn around the car and go back to the house, pick up my lunch box and launch at his head. "You want crazy? If you can hit walls and threaten to break things, then I can too!" The only times that I've ever made an impression on him was when I truly lost it. Once while we were dating and he told he wanted to marry me, but then couldn't get around to asking me, we had a crazy argument wherein I tore up all of my bridal magazines and threatened to take myself "out". I'm not proud of it by any stretch of the imagination, but even five years later, he brought it up in counseling. And the time after we were married where I allegedly swung the toilet paper holder at his head. I swear to this day that I didn't even know that he was standing there. But he remembers it all right.

    He'll call later when he wakes up (probably on his own because he'll cut off the alarm and miss class) and will be completely unaware of the fact that his behavior had ruined my day. I know, I know... I shouldn't let it. I have the choice to not let it. But how do you stop it when you are constantly barraged by people who seemingly have peaceful, happy marriages? We had an intense talk on Saturday. For whatever reason, it finally clicked with him that I don't like him staying out all night. Where has he been during all of the counseling sessions where I've said that I want him home. I don't care if he stays up all night, but he needs to be home. It took me saying that I have to turn the alarm clock around so I don't see it when I get up to use the bathroom (like clockwork every night between 3am and 5am) and get angry because he's not home. So I won't cry myself asleep, if I can go back to sleep at all. "I didn't realize you felt that way. I'll try to be home sooner." He gets home at a decent hour Sunday morning (from work). He slipped and fell in the kitchen Sunday night and hurt his back. His head hurt so bad that he didn't want to drive home right away, so it was 7am before he was home Monday morning. I could understand that better. But the staying out because he lost track of time?

    Am I too hard on him? Should I just sit back and do nothing...and hope for the best? He told me Saturday that his worst fear is that he'll come home and the apartment will empty with a note from me saying the rent is paid until the end of the month. I told him that was a valid concern and he got mad even though what I meant was that I had given him plenty of reason to think that in the past. But maybe he's given me reason enough for it to be valid concern. And if it is, does the ADHD so paralyze him that he can't do something, anything to change this course that we're on?

  • Divorce vs Separation? by: CosmicJoke 12 years 4 weeks ago

    I am 54 and my ADHD husband is about to turn 70.   I am debating divorce vs. separation, leaning toward separation.  Any thoughts, please?  I know this is a long post, but I have no family, and few friends after this roller-coaster of a marriage.  Here's the situation:

    We have an 18 year old son with A.D.D. who--after getting into a very prestigious H.S. for Science, and then transferring to an equally selective Arts H.S.-- was finally diagnosed and is now  doing a 5th and final year of H.S. in an expensive prep school for LD kids.  Our 14 year old is Dyslexic and in a different private school for LD kids.  It goes without saying that the tuition is crushing--we get about 70% of the younger boys' tuition back after our (my) annual Dickensian battle with the Board of Ed, but cannot sue for the older boy since he has "elected" to repeat a year (more like finally get some help at a place that needed at least 2 years to work with a smart boy whose grades ranged from A to D- with mediocre GPA and minimal self-confidence!).  Although I am living grocery store coupon to grocery store coupon, spending less than 5 bucks a week on myself, we get minimal financial aid because we own a house in the country (more like an ADHD money pit my husband "had to" have) and because we look like two upper-middle class professionals if you don't know/understand how much I need to budget each year for my husband's parking tickets, damage to the car, lost stuff, broken stuff, whimsical purchases, magical thinking, and miscellaneous disasters.

    If you are reading this, I probably don't have to say much about the financial and emotional toll of nearly 20 years of marriage--stolen car which he forgot to insure for theft, tax audit that could have been avoided if he told me about the letter of inquiry from the Tax Board instead of hiding it in his sock drawer until a deadline had passed that automatically had me fighting a final judgment), husband getting us dragged into small claims court...blah, blah, blah... And after the hyper-focus whirlwind romance years I am now no longer a wife but a mother figure who harshes his mellow by cleaning up after the messes.

    So divorce, right?  And I tried.  Really. 

    By about 10 years ago, my once lucrative free-lance career writing for TV was completely dead--this had a lot to do with my husband's well-meaning sabotage since TV is a high-stakes, high-pressure world where you have to produce on deadline and never let them see you sweat (which is hard to do when you come home from a weekend away to find your husband has asked his buddy to completely gut/wreck the kitchen as a Mother's Day "gift" so you can remodel, even though you 1) have no actual plans for the remodel at this point in time and 2) need a kitchen. immediately, to feed the kids, or...  You get it.  Multiply that story by a hundred.   Then try to keep up with your constantly changing and challenging career.  Or even just have a coherent thought.  A doctor told my husband never to leave the "H" out of his ADHD because, more than any other patient he'd met, my husband has "earned" the "H".  Insert laugh track.  That is soooo funny, isn't it?

    So 8 years ago, after the crying, and the realization that hubby was entertained by therapy but unable to profit from it, I planned my (loving, understanding, non-judgemental) escape.   I was still in my 40s, I'm not afraid of hard work, I could reinvent myself!  Fortune had smiled on us in one regard--my husband is a tenured professor.  I knew I had to get us out of the "dream house" in the country (more aptly, middle of nowhere life in a badly-maintained pumpkin).  I had once taught at this same university's film school--where I met my dashing husband the world adventurer (sigh...).  All this paid off when the Dean told my husband that while there was no faculty housing available back in the city, there was a "faculty-in- residence" position opening and he should apply for it.  The Dean also told hubby to take me to the interview though I didn't even work there, which was useful since I made the presentation to the hiring committee and kicked my husband under the table every time he crossed his arms or scowled at the inane questions we were asked.

    Cut to 6 years of living in a student dormitory.  Upside: we're back to civilization, "free" apartment.  But it is a j-o-b.  Downside, I'm doing all the work: cooking meals for the students, hosting teas for the parents, booking speakers, taking the students on trips, managing the book-keeping to track our budget.  And I'm going to therapy to figure out what's next.  And I'm teaching at my old job (but not at the full-time salary that my supportive hubby once campaigned for me to abandon to work full time as a writer in pursuit of my dreams, but in the new 21st Century academia of underpaid adjunct hell).  In fact the pay is so bad that I get an additional adjunct job at another school in the same university.   So I have 3 jobs plus the kids plus taking care of hubby and all our finances, etc.  But times are tough, and I'm grateful for the work I can find.  And happy to be back among the living, where I can dwell in possibility.

    Eventually, I feel strong enough, emotionally and financially,  to ask hubby to move out.  After all, we own that house in the country bc he had a fit about the city and "how he had to feel the earth beneath his feet" and for years he cheerfully dragged us into the city for his 6 a.m. commute.  Why not go there now?  Please.  The kids might not even notice bc Daddy is often going to the house because there's something he "has to fix"  ( he loves the house for its constant engrossing "to-do" list-- not as a place to relax/enjoy/make memories).  He lets me go through the entire drama and pain of our hashing out this separation.  And then he comes back.  He refuses to leave.  We are provided housing because of HIS job, remember?  (Though I'm doing the work.)  I can't lock him out, even if I wanted to...

    OK, I say to myself...I've turned these pitiful jobs into a subsistence wage.  I've been poorer than this, better to have one's sanity than creature comfort.  I will leave him.

    And then the first beautiful struggling boy gets his LD diagnosis (years of exhausting research and teacher conferences and detective work by mommy).  And then the second boy gets his LD diagnosis.  And I go through hell to find school's for them (help from husband with this--next to none).  And we do the math.  And I am no longer working for my freedom.  I am working for my boys' education.

    And then my husband gets us fired from the dorm.  And moving is a nightmare.

    And the cash reserves I've built up turn into credit card debt.

    And somewhere around here, patient reader, I either had a nervous breakdown, or a moment of clarity, or maybe both.

    First, on my doctor's advice, I QUIT one of my underpaying jobs--no more waking up at 5 am to read students' papers, etc.  Now when my husband drives into a row of traffic cones (sober!), ignoring the family's screams of warning, and we watch the sideview mirror arc into the street and get crushed by traffic, I do not feel that the $50 replacement part has come out of my staying up until 3 am to read admissions portfolios for $10 each.  This is crazy thinking, right?  All our money is from one pot, and we need all we (I) can get to pay for stupidity like this, right?  But reader, having quit that hellish job, suddenly I can get a whole night's sleep.  And interact with the kids.  And breathe.  And maybe ( or maybe not) he wonders where HE'LL get that $50 to pay for his foolishness...

    And because I'm so underpaid, the 40 hr job I quit "only" results in about $15,00 of take home pay lost.  I am looking at at least 8 more years of filing financial aid forms, and starting to wonder if making less money might ultimately have its advantages.

    And my breakdown continues.  I experience the millionth relationship "last straw".  I think it was when he cheerfully explained to me he was coming home late for dinner because he kept a six-pack at his office so he could "unwind' with a beer at the end of the day. (Is he an alcoholic--not at present, he's  had lots of bouts of self-medication.  He's on meds now.  I don't know.  My beloved friend who is in AA tells me figuring this out is beyond my control.  I am ready to take the advice of others when lucky enough to get it.)  Long story longer (thanks for this forum!):

    I ask him to leave.  He does.  (He's done a lot to our teenage sons, who are starting to see him clearly.  That may have more to do with his leaving than how I feel.  I am past worrying that point.)

    And I stay.  And some more aces show up in my hand.  The university deducts rent for our faculty housing from his paycheck.  I do not have to trust/rely on him to pay for the family housing.  Plus he can live in the country.  Plus several hair-raising episodes have led to my complete control over bill paying and the checkbook.

    And I have gray hair and career-wise I'm somewhere between "not dead yet" and a has-been, so why get a divorce?  Why not collect the Social Security that's about to kick in?  And wait until one of us is dead, and the sons are older, to deal with that ruin of a house to sell it?   And put a stop to 2 decades of upheaval and reinvention.  And if the stress I've been through doesn't counteract the actuarial realities, avoid the expense of a divorce and instead reap whatever is left someday as a widow who wrote and typed her husband's application for tenure, and who put down a 30% down payment on that house from her savings (those were the days!) and got the best mortgage deal, and held on to enough cash for him to contribute to his IRA...?  If I can get through the next 10 years, poor, as I know how to do having come from nothing, I have a pension he cannot touch.  And the rest will be gravy.  And I can make sure as much as possible goes to the boys.

    Meanwhile, I wake up alone.  And I think new thoughts.  And they are mine.  And might lead to something.  And I'm a calmer, better mom.  And remaking friends.  And I don't wonder what random, left-field remark he will make that will have me fighting tears. 

    It's true my husband could have an ADHD fit at any moment, and do something devastating.  But can I really control that?  And isn't it better to hold the checkbook as long as possible, rather than try to co-parent with him let loose on the world?

    After years of feminist action, making something of myself from nothing... What I want now, that is mine, that I've earned...is to be the wife...to be supported...and to inherit what I have done more than my share to earn.

    I cannot believe I feel this way.  But I do.  Have any of you been here?  Or felt something like this?

     

  • Not sure where o ask this - Anxiety and how it relates to thinking and ADD by: jimnto 12 years 1 month ago

    I am new to this forum - have seen Melissa at a talk in Toronto recently and my wife having suggested I read the book, and  I am diagnosed Add.  I recently threw a bombshell into my married life and incredibly, my wife still wants to work on things.  My biggest problem seems to be a maladaptive coping strategy of avoidance.  I have been to see too many different therapists jumping around due to finance issues (looking for quick fix) but there are some things I learned that ring true.  I have a fast paced (and I should say biased) internal dialog that has poisoned my mind with resentment for a very good women.  Top that off with not wanting to confront issues (avoid confrontation) and here I am.

    So - In this time of strife and high anxiety, I have trouble thinking deeply about my relationship and seeing/feeling value in my marriage and even in my family.  My mind goes into fibrillation when confronted with personal issues and I shut down.  Is that ADD or Anxiety?  What can I do about that?

    Can I be defibrillated?

    THX

  • Yup, Nope, OK. by: jennalemon 12 years 1 month ago

    I have a journal that goes back decades.  One day, when my son was about 11 years old after our older son moved to college, I wrote, "We seem to have stopped being able to communicate as a family.  No one talks anymore.  They seem so far away and not willing to make any effort to talk with me. I feel alone. It is a heartache.  I don't know what is going wrong. Maybe it is just getting through the 'teen years' "  From both of them (DH and DS) I got,  "Yup.  Nope. OK."  And that is about it FOR YEARS!!! I remember my son was always in to his computer until all hours of the night.  I would tell him sternly that he MUST get off the computer to be able to get the sleep he needed for school in the morning.  He would defy me and I would tell him again and again that it was time to go to bed.  He said he had trouble sleeping.  I told him the games on the computer were probably giving him graphic visions that were keeping him awake.  He said he needed the games.  I didn't understand at all.  I thought he was rebelling and being obstinate.   I was frustrated because I was getting up early in the morning for a stressful corporate job and I needed sleep but couldn't sleep believing that I needed to be his watchdog so he didn't stay up all night playing video games. I could see there was a problem, but had no idea what it was because he would not communicate.  I thought it was "bad habits". I believed they both needed a kick in the pants (as I was taught) to "get going".  I am stopping blaming myself for their lack of communication with me.  But I feel very lonely.  They must feel lonely too.  I am trying to figure out how to respond better to their unresponsiveness. And how to fill the void I feel in my need to be connected. I grieve the years that I did not understand.  I grieve the lack of understanding and love that I could have given them in a better way had I known a little more of what was going on. 

  • I have adhd and he cheated on me by: ADHD SPOUSE WHO... 12 years 1 month ago

    I have ADHD, and my fiance cheated on me? I love him soooo much but it hurts so much... i am so lost on what to do? any other ADHD spouse been cheated on and were you able to fix it........  a long back story behind it, to make it as short as i can, there are some important facts to this story

    i am one of the most honest people you will meet , i don't lie , the thing my dad  always said to me was i will be mad at you for a moment if you do something wrong but if you lie about  what you did i will be disappointed  with you.  and truth be told i cant lie  cause i have a hard enough time remembering the truth... honesty and trust are humongous deals to me...my friends in college who knew and liked me even before i was properly medicated for the ADHD would say " with her what you see is what you get" and "she would not ever intently hurt some one" .

    I like every one in the world have issues, since i was young i was diagnosed with very bad anxiety with paranoia(not gov watch me kind, just people talking bout me kind,trust issues) and depression , and finally properly diagnosed with ADHD. since 11(now 34) i have been on some kind of   medication,in  intense talk therapy, group therapy and cognitive therapy....

    I had been medication free other then (adderall for ADHD and the rare  PRN of xanax when i needed it) for at least 2 and half years before even meeting my fiance.  I was completely under control.

    I had no interest in marriage,  never asked about it , never  wanted to get married  i think i feared it due to  my ADHD ...i just never wanted it.... my dream was to find someone who i trusted, knew they loved me, and wanted to be with... and own property and dogs with. wanted to be in a committed relationship.

    3 weeks later due to the horrible economy he got laid off.... that was Sept... but my parents and him were looking at places ( my mom was stressing me so he was dealing with looking at places and i was in the middle of busy time in my work.  Jan the day  b4 when i was supposed to go to a wedding bazaar with his mom and mine... i got off work early and my paranoia had been creeping up on me for a bit but i kept telling myself it was cause of stress... well i called him and i don't remember what but i wound up looking up the cell phone bill and he had been talking to this girl (who i found out did not know he was engaged and he had gone to her house with friends to watch eagles game and  from her mouth  they just kissed..... i did not handle this well .... i was violent to him,(i have never hit anyone , i normally take anger out on myself)(I AM SMALLER THEN HIM) but no one deserves to get hit....and well when i get mad (hurt) i know i can be very mean.... we did therapy and counseling and i thought things were getting better..... then same time the next year another bump ( no cheating just lieing to me) the last two years have been good and bad....   HERE IS WHERE I WENT WRONG I DID NOT GO BACK TO THE THERAPIST THAT WORKED BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT COVERED UNDER MY INSURANCE AND I DID NOT GO BACK ON MEDICATION EVEN THOUGH I WAS SEVERALLY DEPRESSED AND MY PARIONIA CAME BACK AS BAD AS IT HAD EVER BEEN)..... he claims the last 2 years i have had my foot on him, emotionally blackmailed him (which i did) but its not like he does not know my parents , where he could have taken me there house broken up with me and known they would not let me hurt myself ), and he was so miserable that he needed a relief.. which is a sack of crap , worst part he had me and my parents convinced i was going crazy cause i swore things were not right...

    we are hitting 5 and 1/2 years now due bumps in the road and i just found out he had had sex with this one girl a few times over the last year???? had a secret phone, and basically been lying to me.... while i have been begging him for sex and let me say i know i am not a ugly girl at all and am good at sex.... but on his suggestion we were looking at bigger houses to buy... making plans and dream....  

    it and i am not sure  but are there any other ADHD people out there who have been cheated on how do you handle it. cause i am a complete mess and part of me want to get rid of him..but i love him soo much and i don't even want to imagine him not in my life but how can i ever trust him again... he is not even sure it will work.... i am soo lost..... it was the moment he put the ring on my finger things went to hell....

     

    sorry i babble ADHD and my heart feels like someone ripped it out ran over it 30 times and i then swallowed.... i have been non functional ....i am back with my good therapist... i am seeing her 2 times a week my dad even comes and picks me up and drives me to make sure i go.. i am that bad right now...i am not going to kill my self but i really don't feel like waking up anymore... its bad.... and  WHAT DO U THINK I SHOULD DO

     

  • Soon to be married to someone with ADHD by: Tag 12 years 1 month ago

    I just stumbled across this site today while googling something else. The ADHD part caught my eye, and I clicked the link. From the first sentence I read, all I could think was they are talking about my fiancee.

    We've been together almost a year and a half. We have so many interests in common and hit it off from the first day. After a brief, whirlwind we moved in together. It was then that I found out about the ADHD. He doesn't take medications for it. He says that he felt like a zombie whenever he tried in the past. Instead, he smokes marijuana and says it helps him to relax and focus.

    He is the sweetest, most loving and devoted man; outgoing and spontaneous, loving and tender. He works hard and supporting the household is important to him, but he is also irresponsible with money and will spend it all right away without realizing it until after. When he walks through the door it's like a tornado hit and becomes messy very quickly  He also has anger issues. Sometimes he'll be critical of things I do or don't do. If I can tell him calmly I don't like that, he'll usually realize what he's saying and apologize. If something bad happens, like a big argument with me or his family or the death of someone, he'll walk down to the bar and take several shots, then come home yelling. This doesn't happen often, but it is very hard to deal with.

    The end of last year, I became pregnant. I didn't think it was possible for me and we were both so happy. When I developed morning sickness he didn't like seeing me feeling bad so he would visit with the neighbors. I was emotional and wanted more time with him and it became a cycle. He would leave, and I'd get upset. The more upset I became the more he would leave. Eventually at seven months we had a huge argument and I went to stay with family until after the baby was born. We were working on things and going to avoid stress during the rest of the pregnancy.

    Unfortunately, two weeks later I had a complication. The baby didn't make it, and I almost died. When he got to the hospital he was frantic and upset. He was told that he couldn't see me until he calmed down because of my condition. At that point he also became angry. Someone in the family, I'm still not sure who, told him that the stress probably killed the baby, and they weren't going to let him kill me also. The complication was totally unrelated. At my request, he was allowed to visit a few times and then it was cut short saying something about my blood pressure and health.

    Everything was a blur at that time and there's much I don't remember, but afterwards something had changed between us. After the funeral we were finally able to talk and I found out that he was being kept away. Our grief brought us closer together and we started spending much time together. A few weeks later I moved back home with him. It's been rough at times, but we are able to be comfort to each other. We communicate better and our relationship has been grower stronger and better.

    In the few months since we have had one fight and it was the worst one yet. While drunk and angry he said something that led me to think he might have cheated during the month we were living apart. I tried questioning him later and he would become defensive and not want to talk. All that he would say is that he was miserable and depressed while we were apart and didn't do much of anything other than work, and tell me how much he loved me. I left it at that until this week. A friend of his broke up last weekend with his short term girlfriend. While cheering up the friend, said that his friend could always look at it as being free to start seeing someone else that was interested and that might be the best thing for him.

    That comment just brought it all back for me. After his friend left I asked him if that was his attitude when we were apart and told him that he hinted at cheating while drunk and angry. He said that our circumstance was different, and that he loved me and that wasn't how he felt. He then admitted that he did cheat once. He said it was after our baby died and he was being kept away from me. He thought everything was over. He said that he was depressed and in such a dark state that he got messed up on drugs and alcohol and went home with someone for the night. We talked and cried after that. He said that he had broken one of his moral values and could never again tell anyone he would never cheat on them. He said he would always feel guilty about it; that he messed up and it would never happen again. That night when we went to bed he asked if I would still marry him.

    I couldn't answer him right away. The next day I told him that when I married again, it would be for life (We were both married before. Him briefly when his wife left him and me for quite a while). I told him that I would expect complete fidelity. I told him that I wouldn't put up with threatening to leave or throw me out when he was drunk and angry. I expected that we would always work on communication and making the relationship better. He was so afraid I was telling him I wouldn't marry him at first. He agreed with me and said that was he wanted also.

    Under the circumstances, I understand what happened while we were apart. I don't like it and I'm having a hard time dealing with it, but understand it. It might be petty, but I feel like I need him to vow that he won't cheat again. He's said it won't happen and he'll be faithful, but the comment that he couldn't promise again just sticks in my head. I know he's said the same thing in different words, but...

    I'm thankful I found this site. It's given me a better insight and a few aha moments. It's kind of a long post, sorry, but I needed to vent, ask for advice.

    Thanks,

    Tag

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