Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Just found out about how ADHD can affect our relationship by: Lynn_23_knoll 12 years 1 month ago

    I have been together with my fiance for over 3 years now.  My fiance has ADHD and we both have known about it, but it has never been treated.  His parents never tried to treat it when the doctor diagnosed him as a child.  He told me from the beginning that he had ADHD, but I never thought that it could affect our life or relationship.  I found out last month that he was pursuing other women online and it frustrated me.  I felt so hurt and betrayed.  It started off as him looking at half naked women on facebook, then a secret world on twitter full of porn and conversations with these women.  I then found out a week after the twitter thing that he was looking at pictures of a girl he used to know in highschool revealing her breasts on facebook.  He was also reaching out to her by messaging her on fbook and gave her his number and said call or text me sometime.  After each incident I found out, I confronted him, he said he was sorry, and promised he wouldn't do it again.  He did this to me within a one month period.  Over and over again!  I have been in counseling trying to work through my issues and  we have never been to counseling together.  He has always had a low sex drive, and never seems interested in me or our sex life.  I have always felt that this was my fault, that I was never good enough for him.  He is also ignoring me and how I feel, he is content with the way things are.  He thrives at work, and thats about it.  He completely ignores me and his son.  He can throw himself into football, video games, online games, and things that interest him.  But when it comes to anything else in his life he falls short. 

    He came across an article on the internet the other night that dealt with ADHD and how it can affect a marriage.  I really felt like the article hit home! I think he did too.  But he hasn't made an appt with a doctor yet.  Or tried to look into ADHD in adults and treatment plans.  I bought the book everyone else on here has and I feel like there is a little hope.  Even if me and him don't work out at least I know that I made the effort to try to understand ADHD and tried to help. 

     

    It makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one out there dealing with this!

  • Another Friday.. Screwed Up.....I need support any other spouses feel like yet another weekend ruined!?!? by: peacelove 12 years 1 month ago

    I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't wanna lose him, as a person, his heart, our memories, the time I invested, the future I can sometimes see. But I need to look out for myself and I don't want to be 10 years ahead wishing I had put myself first and ended it when I needed to.

    I work. He doesn't. I work hard and long hours, I bring my work home, I cook dinner, I clean, I do the bills, I try to keep the organization, I try to help him find a job so he can contribute, the medical bills the unpaid debt! All of it on my radar constantly! I try to not make him feel like a failure for getting laid off the last job  the # 53+ job!! And no that is not an exageration. I have known him more than half of my life as of 2 months ago. We met as teenagers and he was my first love. After a few years apart he appeared again and held me through some of the hardest grief filled years of my life. He was working feeling 'good", then the effects of the years of the "self medicating" of the ADHD reared its head... Cardiomyopathy, a damaged heart from "partying", pot addiction issues, and low low low self esteem issues, all of it came to a head over the year. So now Adderall/Ritilin is either out of the question or a risk of a heart attack and death!

    nice choice.

    We both work to 'resolve' these issues. Hours of therapy, cut out negative family members, found a better more peaceful place to live, placed ourselves in a bubble to heal. It worked for a while and then the reality of what he is and has comes to the surface.

    I am drained, exhausted and love his heart and his soul but hate the day to day. I can't take the day to day, the shifts! the moods! the lack of esteem!the blowing up at my everyday, usual wifey complaints, my requests that are in good nature and communicated kindly. If I sound like his demeaning mother, he explodes, if anything I say reminds him of a negative work experience in whcih he failed, he explodes.

    We are in a new place now, I have career goals, I want babies, I want a "normal" life. I want a life where one honest comment and what I see as usual conversation doesn't blow up. His ADHD and extreme, partially homeless, dysfunctional family issues leaves me exhausted.

    I need advice any advice. I can't live being the non-ADHD spouse, that is not good enoough for me. I deserve better I am understanding and compassionate and accepting but when I get thrown aside and treated like crap because of the the ADHD. I am done. I know it is a chemical issue, a legitimate, neuroscience biological medical diagnosis and condition, I realize that but how are the spouses supposed to cope? To be stepped on and walk on eggshells to make someone else constantly feel better or good about themselves? That is not a life.

  • Is there no end to the lying and half truths? by: yomama1964 12 years 1 month ago

    My husband just seems to be unable to tell the whole truth or even part of it sometimes and it really gets to me. (He didnt used to be like this or at least not as bad but hes been under a lot of stress from job changes and deaths in the family this year and it seems to have made things worse)

    Of course then he gets mad when I don't believe him when he tells me something important. Is this something I am just going to have to learn to live with if we stay together? I know that people with ADHD do have trouble with this issue sometimes, but I just don't know how to deal with it. Any suggestions? I'm tired of not being able to trust him anymore.

  • Non ADHD spouse withdraw by: Gettingbetter 12 years 1 month ago

    How do you bring non ADHD spouse out of withdraw.  She want nothing to with the book or anything. 

  • Why is it so impossible to keep a job? by: rae333 12 years 1 month ago

    I have reached maximum annoyance level today. I am on the cusp of removing my husband from my home. Every time he "gets a job" he somehow has an issue with his paycheck that is never his fault. There will be a mix up or someone will forget he works there..input any excuse here. Eventually I end up calling the job and they have no idea who he is..I confront my husband about it who then denies wholeheartedly that he has lied and claims maybe its a new person or they just never met him. This is the pattern for the last 4 years. Half of the places he "worked" I really dont know if he actually did. Today I called his new job after he mysteriously didnt receive a paycheck (his excuse was that he was new and the guy who dropped off the checks didnt know he worked for that store) and SURPRISE they had no idea who he is. Im at my wits end and I dont know what to do about it. How can someone be so inconsistently inconsistent? How is it so hard to just show up at a job and get paid?

  • ADD Husbands and Their Sons by: Hardlife 12 years 1 month ago

    My husband was diagnosed with ADD about a year ago.  My experiences echo so many posts, but what I want to talk about is how his ADD has affected his relationship with our teenage son, and I want to know if others have had similar experiences.  The idea of posting to this forum came to me when I started searching for sources for teenagers, boys, specifically, who have to deal with ADD dads, specifically.  I found no sources for kids.  All are for parents dealing with ADD kids.  I want to help my son, and I want to help other families, too, before it gets to this point, if possible.  I am a writer, and I have the inkling to start a book.  Here is a quick and shortened summary of what my fourteen-year-old son has experienced:

    His dad has never followed through with any promises to do things with him

    His dad has never been consistent with rules his son should live by

    His dad has lied to his mother and been unfaithful, which caused his son to lose respect for his father, hope in life, and trust in the world

    His dad's unfaithfulness caused my husband to lose his good job, which has caused severe financial stress in the home

    His dad's deceptive and secretive credit card spending had already been the cause for always having to say "no" to the kids for extras

    Due to our lives turning upside down this past year, my son doesn't care about anything and is very depressed

    My son has lots of anger toward his dad and it isn't getting better

    My son doesn't trust his dad

    My son sees no purpose, so wants to escape into video games.  

    When my son was younger, he would just handle his dad's absent ways (focused on self, enclosed in his home office, drinking, not doing anything with the kids except for occasional TV) and wish for more

    Now that my son is older, what he lost with his dad is to him, and he is mad and sad

    When children are young, they take what they can get.  As they get older, they respond.  I wonder how many ADD dads might force themselves to make changes in their habits if they could see the pain and distance that will surface in their sons in the future?  This is where the wives and mothers of ADD husbands who have boys, especially come in (I'm focusing on boys because the father-son bond is different that the father-daughter bond--not stronger, just different.  The dad is their role model, who boys usually want to emulate.  I have two sons and one ADD daughter--that is another story).  I want to get a survey, if you will, of parents who have seen their teenage children respond to their parents (I can broaden it to daughters and moms if people out their have stories to share that can help) in negative ways. We know, as parents of young children, how they are affected.  We see the neglect, inconsistency, anger, etc.  But that isn't what I'm honing in on, though that is the precursor to the teenager.  I'm honing in on the aftermath: the teenager who wakes up and realizes the crap he/she has been dealt, and in some cases, like in my son's, can't cope so well--especially if everything is undone in their worlds.  

    Think about it: We know how we feel, as spouses when we have been neglected, mentally played with, lied to, possibly betrayed, financially burdened, etc, etc. The child feels those things, too, and the scars are deep.  The saying, "kids are resilient" irks me.  Yes, they survive, just like we do, but they aren't happy and they may not really live.  And they don't forget.  The sadness is in their bones, just like it is in ours.  

    So, does anyone relate?  I have two book ideas.  One would be for teenagers, written for them to help them with their struggles; the other would be called something like, Why ADD Dads Lose Their Sons in hopes the dads would care enough to read it and attempt to make changes before it's too late.

    Thank you for listening.

  • Emptied our checking account AGAIN! by: foundy 12 years 1 month ago

    My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and together for 12 years.  We have a 3 yr old and a 22 month old boys.  For years we didn't understand what has been happening with my husband, we just knew that he had these episodes where he'd go on binges drinking, gambling, and draining our account.  He'd be up for days on end and running until he was literally out of cash and alcohol.  He's facing sentencing now in his 4th DUI, though only the 3rd since the other fell off his record, and still with the threat of the next one being PRISON or him or someone else hurt or killed, it's still not enough.  He can't and won't stop.  His impulses are out of control.  I've talked to the drs.  I've researched and read anything and everything I can get my hands on as I was a 3rd yr law student before I had to drop out.  I had to leave because I couldn't keep up.  I worked full time, commuted 5.5 hrs a day and was in law school at night.  During that time my husband had multiple affairs but ultimately continued a serious relationship with a married woman who spent all their time convincing me I was crazy when I confronted them.  In the end after a year of this, it had taken it's toll on me and my education and I failed one of my final exams which ultimately made it so I had to drop out.  I couldn't move on.  Law school was all I had ever wanted in life.  But I didn't hold resentment towards him for it.  He ultimately confessed and recommitted himself to our marriage.  For a long time, things were somewhat better. Then we moved 500 miles away because truth be told he couldn't stay out of trouble where we were.  He kept ending up 20 miles away with all his childhood friends running around all night drinking and before I knew it, he had ended up back in bed with his ex-wife on several occasions.  I found out because my step kids, (all grown) informed me that their dad was at the house with their mom.  They came to my house out because they were angry and upset about it.  My step kids love me and respect me more than they do their mom or dad.  I was at my breaking point, but they begged me to please help him.  The first time, I told him to meet me at the lawyers office if he wanted to save our marriage otherwise I was filing for divorce.  He did....glitter on the side of his face and all.  That night we got back home, turned on the TV and Adult ADHD documentary came on.  My husband was in tears and I felt this overwhelming "thank god it has a name" feeling.  Knowing I wasn't crazy for not understanding how my husband could one minute be so loving, caring and supportive, to the next minute be running out the door while I'm sleeping with every penny we had.  I knew in my heart something was wrong and I was always told he must be bipolar....but I knew he wasn't.  He had the manic symptoms but nothing else fit!  Not long after watching the program, I got the phone call again, that my husband had spent the night with his ex-wife (a raging alcoholic who spends every night at the bar).  I took a deep breath, and with my step kids begging me again to help him, I literally drove to the ex-wife's house and picked up my husband one time.  That's when we packed up and moved away.   Didn't take long before things got worse.  He started medication but wasn't working.  He'd tell the dr all was great, but it wasn't.  He started demanding money or he wasn't coming home, risking my job (our only income) etc unless I sent him cash or gave him the ATM card.  We tried an "allowance" of sorts too, but nothing is ever enough.  our move came with a new job and I earned $150k in six months as a trial paralegal.  I busted my butt in trial after trial, with long 20-22 hr days.  We got a nanny too so that there wasn't so much on him while I was working....still not enough.  It got worse.  He was drinking behind my back, not eating, slurring on his aderall and refusing to admit there was a problem other than my controlling self.  one night he texted me 5 hrs later after not returning from the store to tell me he was in a limo on his way to Charlie Sheen's house to party.  The next week, same trip to the store resulted in 8 hrs later hearing how he was with a church group helping people on Skid Row and that he was bringing a nice couple home to stay the weekend in our RV.  I flipped!  He had outstanding warrants (from not finishing DUI classes and anger management classes for DV with ex-wife) and I threatened for the first time to turn him in if he brought anyone to our home.  He dropped them off at the beach and told me how disappointed he was in me as that was not god's way.  We're not religious people.  We've never stepped foot in a church other than as children.  He had somehow been pulled over three times that week and let go despite not having a valid license and warrants (despite cleaning everything up two years ago), and that's even that scare STILL wouldn't make him snap out of this.  That's when I knew there was a very serious problem.  Unable to convince him to talk to his dr about his medication, or able to convince him to slowly taper off of it because something clearly was not working, I flushed it down the toilet out of sheer anger.  About three weeks later, I got called by the nanny that my husband and his ex-wife's son (23) just left in the jeep and were going camping?  WHAT??  It's Wednesday and WHAT?????  The next day I get the apologetic I'm sorry, I'm an idiot, I'm packing up and will be home in the morning calls.  By morning, I got the call from the bail bondsmen as my husband was arrested AGAIN and this time for one hell of a mess.  Low and behold, his ex-wife and her boyfriend drove 5 hours to come party with hubby and stepson.  I had to leave work and go pick up my three vehicles out of impound costing thousands.  I lost my nanny and I lost my job over this one. 

    He got home, we talked, I was supportive again and doing all I could to find a new job and help us.  My husband got three jobs and lost them all.  I went home for my dying grandmother for a weekend, and the first night I'm gone, my husband got our truck impounded by letting someone else drive who got a DUI, and since he did that, he decided to pry open my safe (where I had kept our cash from selling the last thing we had to sell, everything we had left to live on) and cleaned it out.  He went down still drunk and bought a new car evidently because he "had to get to work".  He never went to work.  He had a house full of homeless people he met at the beach all at our house and the story goes on and on and on.  I thought then, I had hit my wall.  I told him again...shape up or get out. 

    He sincerely looked for help.  No job, no benefits, no help.  Even the county refused to treat his ADHD.  So we struggled on....I got us enough money to get in to his last dr so only he old co-pay and get him back on a different medication.  Worked great...for about two weeks...now we are right back to same old insanity.  He's back to calling me every nasty name in the book when he's mad.  His outbursts are insane.  He tells me he's going to the store, or walking around thinking or pulled over to use his phone, but GPS shows him an hour away playing poker with the little money he either strong armed me for or hid from me all week until he had the chance to run out.   (mind you I put he GPS on his phone under his instruction and literally to help ease my fears when he stops answering my phone calls or texts for days, that he is at least alive and not over a cliff somewhere (we live in the costal cliff areas)).  Money is tight right now as we're trying to keep above water and dig out of the mess losing my job got us into.  The car lot refused to cancel the contract he bought unmedicated and drunk, so I know am struggling with $1200 a month in car payments on top of trying to get them all out of repo status, and looking fighting an eviction that was initiated originally when my husband put all our rent money on the poker table when I got that last check.  Sad thing is he's a great player, always wins, but never walks away until it's all gone.  So anytime he leaves the house, I know that whatever cash he has, will not make it home.  It's gone.  

    Last night was what I feel is the absolute sickest thing he's ever done to me.  He called me at work to ask me if I wanted to meet him and the boys at the pier and we could walk around, have a burger and fries...nothing special but a nice change of pace and might be fun for the boys.  I did.  Not wanting to carry my purse around the SM Pier or wanting to leave my wallet in the stroller I made a HUGE MISTAKE.  I asked him to hold the ATM card and some cash for me since I didn't have pockets.  I figured since we were all together everything would be fine, my only fear was an argument when we got back to the car to get the card back.  Didn't even get the chance.  The boys and I were finishing our meal and my husband excused himself to the bathroom (for what was the second time in an hour) telling us he'd only be a minute.  I got that sinking feeling after a few minutes that I was stranded.  I put the boys in the stroller and waited around another 20 mins pacing, freaking out that I had no car keys, no wallet, no cell phone, no money.  I had two toddlers at night on the pier, and I had nothing.  We have no friends and no family for 500 miles.  I was 100% alone.  Eventually I walked as fast as I could back to the car to find he had left.  he put my keys and phone back in the trunk leaving it unlocked for me, but not only did he empty our bank account, but he took even the last $1 I had in my wallet.  My son asked me for juice, and with that being in the other car, I went through my purse, got a bottle of water I luckily had from work that day, and gave it to him, I decided right then, that I had finally had enough.

    This morning he stumbled in at 4:00 when he knows I leave at 6:30 and the boys are up by 7.  I woke him up at 6:30 in the spare room because god forbid he be confronted about what he did, to give him his medication because at least it helps wake him up.  I wanted to see if he was sober enough to watch the kids.  I couldn't afford another nanny anymore.  He isn't working, and I have no one else to help.  I asked him to go sleep downstairs.  I was angry of course, but at this point I don't even care to hear myself ask him to please stop hurting us.  His anger turned to rage after a short while of me trying to convince him to please go downstairs so he could hear the kids when they got up, and he hi and kicked the walls until he broke his toes.  I left the room as soon as he started exploding as the profanity that he threw through the air all directed at me and anything he could think to say to hurt me.  I stayed calm and still a fight continued.  At this point I have no idea how I'm going to get to work on Monday.  None.  I have enough gas to make it til then, but after that, I'm screwed.  Milk...we have a few gallons for the boys now luckily, but after that I'm screwed.  I'm beside myself right now with anger and hatred.  By text this afternoon he told me he didn't plan it and it just happened.  He was upset that his older girls were coming to visit and it was the 22 yr old's birthday and we didn't have money to do anything, so he thought he'd make the money in poker.  I'm so disgusted I honestly want to through up.

    One of the Drs we've spoke to told me if I leave, he will self destruct for sure.  Which I believe to be true, but I cannot do this anymore.  I am so unorganized from having to juggle everything, handle everything, and hide money and my wallet all over in different places that I can't keep track of anything.  I went through my purse this morning and did find $25 total that he somehow missed because it was loose in my stuff wrapped up in receipts etc.  I've slept with it in my bra and it's still there.  It honestly felt like gold to me when I found it because I thought...."I could have a death in the family, maybe miss a few days (as my grandmother had been sick) and this is milk and juice money for the boys...I might be able to make it without getting fired."  I've reached my breaking point.  There is years of stories as rough as this, but so sit there last night with my 3 yr old asking "where's daddy?" was my breaking point.  I don't want them hearing him call me the names he calls me (which is new this year by the way) and terrified that if Daddy leaves their sight, he may not come back.  My husband is still in that self hatred embarrassed, maybe still drunk, "it's your fault.  I need space" mentality that I just can't even speak to him through text.  Which is by the way been the best way since he hates confrontation, text has proven to be easier for him to communicate his feelings through....so I do it.  Today, I'm a *&%# and a controlling witch and I just quit.  My 3-yr old is suffering and screams every time we raise our voices.  i can't take this anymore.  Originally I was waiting till he went to jail (in Jan I believe) but I don't know if I can even stand the sight of him anymore.  I'm beyond angry and hurt and I'm disgusted by him.  I know he needs help, but I cannot save him, and I have to learn to understand and accept that really.  I keep trying to keep us all together as the boys have only known him since birth and I always had to go right back to work, but I can't keep things together anymore.  I have lost none of my baby weight and am now 50 lbs overweight.  I eat like crap and then starve myself.  I know I'm losing it, so then I pull it all back together and try harder, but this stress has every calorie I eat glued to my hips!  I am miserable with the way I look, and he recently has let me know that I'm now "fat".  I honestly am at my wits end with him.  I contacted his dr several times on my own and just let him know what was going on so maybe it could help shed some light on how to help him with his anger and impulse control better, but the idiot dr just texts my husband to find out if everything ok and I'm just overreacting.  My husband has been telling everyone, "my poor wife.  I've caused her so much pain and hurt.  She needs to talk to someone.  I'm worried about her."  I want to rip my hair out!!!  I've tried everything!  Literally everything.  I've read every book, every YouTube video, every documentary, every webinar, every article I can get my hands on re ADHD and ADHD/relationships.  I'm in law, I research....it's what I do.  I've tried everything.  What friends I have left (all 500 miles away) think I'm either a saint, or just as crazy as him.  I am literally left with wanting out, and it breaks my heart because I know my husband is still in there somewhere.  But I quit.  I just can't leave today...........I have to go home.  Which by the way is the reason I wanted to be a lawyer.  My mother and father had a bad relationship, but my mom had no job and only a high school diploma in a small town.  She couldn't financially leave, so even though their relationship made a complete 180, I promised myself at 8 years old that I would never allow myself to be dependent on a man and get stuck in a bad relationship.  Here I am now, two BA degrees and two completed years of law school, making six figures, and I don't have a pot to pee in, or anything left to sell.  He spent everything.  I honestly think it's time to give up.  I know in my heart he'll end up hurting himself or in prison if I leave because we are his world and all he had left, but I don't know what more to do.

    Sorry so long.  After 12 years...I think I finally am hitting the wall.

  • At my wit's end. Seriously thinking about filing and moving out. by: So_tired_2012 12 years 1 month ago

    I have been reading posts in this forum for a while and have only posted once. By nature I hate to share personal problems with people I don't know, even if it is online and one is pretty much anonymous.
    Today, I have to make an exception because I need advice and I need it fast. My husband has severe ADHD. He was formally diagnosed 2 years ago, tried the minimum dose of Concerta, took it for 20 days and then stopped. Throughout our 7-year marriage he has done many things which over the years made me realize that I have no future with this man. But, I had to put up with all of it because of our 2 young kids, and because I had to pay off some debt (incurred thanks to him) before I felt even somewhat ready to leave him.
    I am so sick and tired of him making bad financial decisions, having spending sprees on his expensive hobby, being late paying bills, spending lavishly when we have overdue bills, being arrogant and verbally abusive, and spending money on s... phones and even meeting paid escorts. The last one he has done at least one summer and he claims he has not done anything but just met and had lunch. I do not believe him. Stopped believing him a long time ago.

    So, back to our current situation. This summer he purchased a very expensive instrument (over $25,000) for his job (he is self-employed) and after he was turned down for a loan by our bank, he claims that his Mom gave him half of the amount, and the other half he paid by selling his old instrument. Also, he says that he will not be paying off anything to his mother, which I don't believe again. She is retired and has fixed income. He does not work much in the summer and this year we got behind with our mortgage by quite a few months. There is a real risk of us losing the house, yet he won't ask for a loan from his Mom because he had already done this. Instead, he wants to file for bankruptcy, which quite frankly terrifies me.

    He defaulted on his student loan and because it was sent to a collection agency and he just stopped making payments without filing for financial hardship forbearance, they added $7000 in fees. When I heard of it I was speechless. And yet he started yelling at me that he had no money in the summer to pay it. He has no credit cards - defaulted on them 3 or 4 years ago. So, whenever we need credit for something it is on me. This is how I became indebted by getting loans for furniture and then struggling to pay it off by myself.

    I was brought up to be responsible and pay my bills on time. He waits until the last minute, or even worse, forgets about them. I make sure that the bills are paid on time and have to constantly remind him what is going through. I pay as many bills as possible and buy groceries for the whole family. He keeps counting the pennies that I spend for food for months, and yet eats out every day (because there is never anything good for him) at home. He is a walking financial disaster and is slowly but steadily dragging me down with him too.
     

    Now, he wants to file for bankruptcy to avoid losing the house and I am afraid that this will affect my credit and the possibility of getting a loan later on. He will need a new car pretty soon and when I asked him how he would get one without a loan, he said that he will ask his Mom to do it and he will just pay her off. Isn't this convenient? He seems to have a way of using the people around him as if he is totally entitled to being helped. And what will happen after his Mom is gone? He will leach off me.

    I detest him for so many things - for being selfish and not thinking of the consequences of his actions, for having hurt me so many times, for not being there as a husband or a father. And whenever I try to reason with him and ask him, for example, why he bought an expensive instrument, without even discussing it with me, he told me it was because he knew I was going to say "no" and he was not going to have it. The reaction and thinking of a kid.

    He is messy, a hoarder, his car is dirty and smelly and he always has an excuse for not having the time or money to wash it. Yet he finds time and money to do the things that he likes. His personal hygiene is deteriorating and I don't even want to think what he will be like when he gets old, but it shouldn't matter - I won't be there.

    The worst part is that the kids see and listen and copy him and I will not allow for my little boy to be like him. Our daughter is the older of the 2 and she has moderate to severe ADHD too. Sometimes I see so much of him in her that it is scary, but I love her dearly. Having 2 out of the 4 of us with ADHD has been no bed of roses and I feel like I am losing my sanity. The last straw would be him filing for bankruptcy. And what's worse is that I don't think he will be able to commit to regular payments for 3 to 5 years (under the bankruptcy provisions) and then it will get even messier.
    I am going to consult with a financial advisor and tomorrow we are both going to see an attorney who will discuss the bankruptcy options.

    For the last week or so I have been thinking of just filing for divorce and leaving him. How much more can or should I take?

  • It's never going to stop! or is it? by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 1 month ago

    My husband and myself click very well together.We have our Friday night out as a rule to keep our relationship healthy.Whatever it takes like dancing,etc.We are very good together.The relationship is very good for maybe 2 weeks then chaos again.I built my hopes on the weekends with him since that's really the only time I have with him because during the week it's very hectic for us,it's kids and work for me and work for him pretty much a routine.Well it's like that for everyone only difference we don't get to see each other very often during the week b/c we are not living together.The reason for that is a good one where we both agreed that was best.I am sticking with the plan while he loses patience.He is upset all the time I am not there enough,he wants me to come up and cook for him.I have no problem with his arrangements but the thing is he is a bully behind his demands.

    It's the bullying I can't comprehend.I am not use to being controlled by and will not accept it at no time whatsoever.If he is having a bad day at work he wants to be alone then the next day he blames me for not spending time with him,It's like he don't know what he wants.He is very dysfunctional and depress most of the time and very very moody.I can't stand the fact the he has to be so hyper all the time.Like when we go to the grocery for example,he would pick out stuff and while doing so he is very jumpy and talkative then when he reaches the cashier his mood is completely different.It's almost like he wants me to pay for the whole bill.It's frustrating.When he does things like that it sets me in a depressing mood and then I would say to my self no! I am not going to let him spoil my day because he is like this or like that.I immediately snap out of it.

    Tuesday of this week I called him around 4:30 in the afternoon,he answered the phone saying to me that it's his friends birthday from his work and that they are having drinks at a bar not to far from his work place but he is leaving shortly.I have no problem with him having a drink with his friends but I specifically told him that when he is please answer the phone when I call you so I would know when you are coming home because his phone could only receive calls not make calls because he never buys phone cards for his phone.WOW!!! I can't believe I just wrote that.I mean who does not have minutes on their phone?

    well four hours later then he answered my call after I tried to call him like 10 times.I just brushed it off but sort to pick it up the next day after he sobered up.Next day he was having a bad day in work so I called again in the afternoon to tell him I am coming up to cook his dinner.He said "NO DON'T COME! I AM HAVING A BAD DAY AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO COME" I said no problem I would call you later.he said" NO DON'T CALL ME".WOW!! was I shock? no, not at all,but I was very hurt to know that he rejected me like that and I felt so alone and mistreated.Today he did not go to work well, he don't have work,his boss is securing the electrical and he gave all the employees the day off.well,he came by my cafe and asked me to accompany him in to town and I declined him.I told him that he just can't expect me to keep his company when he refused mines yesterday.I felt like dirt.pure dirt.

    The weekend is here and I know I am going to be alone once again.I could deal with everything else but the unstable way of this relationship is surly getting to me once again.Some may seek all the thrills in the world.all I want is a stable relationship and love together with support.I don't know how long again I can continue with a dysfunctional marriage and unstable as well.It's always some problem or another that is about to occur.He would always brush me off very quickly when I address his bad behaviors trying to pin out mines when they are very irrelevant to topic in action at the point.He would start telling me after I try to explain to him that he just cannot answer his phone after 4 hours then expect me not to be up set,that I did not do this for him or that for him and completely try to throw off the real topic.hell the last time I did not answer my phone I found a girl in his apartment,so he knows that he should and he just plays games with me like that..Long story and it's on a next forum I posted so I would not go in to details.I am in the dark,hoping to see the light.

    lovehurts.

  • self worth by: PoisonIvy 12 years 1 month ago

    Today is my birthday.  Birthdays are always hard for me, not because they mark me getting older (although I'm not thrilled about that) but because they remind me of how undeserving I feel of attention, not only "my special day" attention but also normal attention.  

    So, I was like this when I met my husband, and I have been like this for almost the entire 28 years of our marriage.  This aspect of my personality has been out in the open longer than has his ADHD.  I feel confident in saying that this low self-worth is probably something I was born with.  It's probably part of my brain.  

    Although I have low self-worth, I'm very independent and high-functioning.  I pride myself on my self-sufficiency.  But I decided at some point, probably approximately 8 or 9 years ago, that I should make an attempt to ask my husband on occasion for help and support.  (It seems like something married folk should do, right, be partners with their spouses?  And I was helping him a lot....)  What happened next might have been a coincidence; my timing isn't perfect, I'll admit.  But here is what happened:  my husband drifted further away; he became less dependable for matters involving our daughters; he then got fired from his job and hasn't looked for another one; and he said that he didn't need to have health insurance because he could go on welfare to get his health care paid for.  

    Cue back to me and my self-worth.  These things didn't help.  When my husband's drifting began, he had not yet been diagnosed with ADHD.  He was diagnosed about a year  before he was fired. So then he had a reason (he had a disability) for his behavior.  And all I had was the voice in my head, much louder now, saying, "Wow, you're not only a worthless person but you're not very smart, either; nor are you nice.  You thought you could get help from someone with ADHD.  And when you found out you couldn't, you got mad at him, and boy, if that's not a mean thing to do, what is?"  

    Does every partner of a person with ADHD feel this way?  I'm sure not.  I hope not.  This is just one person's story, a reminder that just as people with ADHD come into this world with certain qualities that are hard to change and that might need to be accommodated, so too does everyone else.

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