Sorry for the update posts - I feel like I have begun to make these here priarily for my own documentation, although hopefully others may find some value within them.

Last night I asked my estranged-withinthe-same-household-ADD-wife for a night (tonight) that we could spend together, working on "us".  She agreed.

I looked forward to it all day, although I admittedly began to feel disappointment as the evening wore on later and later her desire to "go for a walk" and the kid's needs for snacks, entertainment, etc. pushed "our time" further to the back burner.

We EVENTUALLY came together for a glass of wine together on the couch.  Conversation immediately turned to her desire to trade in her vehicle for a newer model, and the thoughts of her coworkers who were in agreement with this idea.

I asked, somewhat rhetorically: "Is this REALLY all we have to talk about?".  I asked this question calmly.

She responded by bringing out the old "list of greivances" she carries in her heart and launched into a tirade of all the wrongs I had done in the past, storming off when I informed her I would not be listening to her ad hominem attacks on me in response to a legitimate inquiry regarding the state of our relationship and my continued (although apparently futile) attempts to either save it or allow it to end in a dignified manner.

As has been her habit, she exited to the back porch.  I gave her 30 seconds and followed, only to find her (AGAIN) in a cloud of cigarette smoke - texting on her phone with a wide smile on her face.  If anyone here has read my prior posts, you will know the significance of this.

I lost my cool, demanding to know WHO she was so eager to text - with such a joyful look on her face.  I was told it was none of my business and she refused to show me - although SHE has been more than happy to take my phone and read MY texts (which were nothing at all!). She went to great physical lengths to remove her phone from my reach.  I asked her again - feeling desperate - and she again refused - mockingly - waving me away condescendingly.  In disgust - I kicked her glass of red wine that was sitting on the porch across the backyard, which felt quite satisfying in the moment but, of course, resulted in immediate accusations of being "out of control" on her part.  Of course, I wasn't "out of control" enough to look after our daughter who woke up with a cold shortly afterward while she continued her manic texting and smoking outside.

Last week I was crying in the garage after a similar frustration.  Tonight I just feel detached.  I DID attempt to reengage her and calmly tell her she was losing a good husband, which resulted in another ad-hominem tirade regarding my past "offenses" and present "inappropriateness" in attempting to speak to her at all.

I just plain and simple DO NOT understand this woman's mind.  Or my own, for that matter.  What am I even trying for?

I am the wife of an ADD husband.  He is a genius in so many ways.  In fact, he took the genius test and came out in the top two percent.  He has a great job and makes lots of money.  He loves me, and tells me every day.  I also love him and tell him that I love him every day.  I really do love him, in spite of his ADD traits.

Why then, do I sweat the small stuff?  I think the answer to that is that the small stuff adds up day by day and turns into big stuff.  My husband is messy, unorganized, forgetful, and has an I don't care, it doesn't matter attitude.  I let the stuff that doesn't affect me personally go, but the stuff that I have to fix because of his ways, can really get to me.  Usually I brush it off, but I guess it is in the back of my mind and comes out now and then.

This forum has given me insight into my husband's ADD.  It is giving me the patience to deal with my husband's ADD, but I admit that after he leaves the house I do sometimes have to vent by sputtering as I clean up after him.

My partner is 26 years old and has ADD. He was diagnosed as a child and put on Ritalin for a very short time but was taken off, as his mother wasn’t keen on him being on it. Flash forward 18 years and he is having such a hard time with the symptoms it in his personal life, work life and our relationship that he has decided to go down the path of seeking medication to improve his concentration. He denied his ADD for such a long time (years and years) so I am really proud of him for acknowledging it and seeking help.

Long story short we are book in to see a psychiatrist soon to talk about the option of mediation. I am not quite sure that he is aware that it will be a bit of a process to do this. We do not have any records of him being diagnosed as a child as we do not talk about his ADD with his parents (it is rather hidden) but he can talk about his moving to 6 schools during his school years, the numerous amounts of tests he had done for concentration and his current symptoms.  I have tried to explain to him that this might take a bit longer than he thinks but that if he can stick with it that he will get a good outcome and that I will be there along the way for support.

I am wondering if anyone can shed any light on their ADD partners behaviour around frustration or what can set them off AND how they as the non ADDer reacts to this behaviour.

Example of his frustration:
My partner will come home from work and we’ll chat about our day and be having a lovely time, then when I bring up something that I had read in the ADHD Effect on Marriage (great book!) he will start to tune out. We usually talk about what I have read in the book and he is interested. He just ordered a heap of books on ADD from Amazon as he is keen to learn more (bit impulsive but a good resource). I am careful not to initiate a conversation about this when he is in a bad mood as this ends up in tears. 
As we talk I see that he is starting to tune out and become fidgety so I ask him if he is bored – no, he finds it frustrating and too serious. I understand that he can feel overwhelmed with too much information but I can never find out why things get to him so badly (does he feel overloaded, guilty etc?). I would like to understand more so that I can help him or at least so that I can settle myself when this happens.
In a matter of seconds my loving partner can turn into a completely different person. I try to show him understanding but also try to explain what I need from him and how that will benefit us. He cannot function; he cannot cope with the frustration he feels. I try and tell him that there is no blame but he is already too far-gone and needs to be alone for hours on his computer to calm him down. I usually give him that time but end up crying, as I feel so hurt.

He usually comes and finds me after a few hours when he feels calm again and apologizes for his behaviour. I accept his apology and try to explain to him that by him leaving or tuning out to what I was saying, makes me feel invalidated and disregarded. Then it happens again and he acts the exact same way. Nothing gets sorted and I am left with the same issue that I felt before all this began. I would like to talk to my partner and have him be supportive, affectionate and understanding. He rarely seems to be able to do that for me even when he is in a good mood as my mood brings him down and he has to leave the room, as he doesn’t function. I have gone through medical issues, a death in the family and he wasn’t able to show any empathy. Instead he makes me out to be the person to blame for ‘making him so frustrated’. He is a loving person though when he chooses to be. I feel deeply saddened about this but also don’t have much trust in him that he will be there for me when I need him judging on past experience.

If anyone can provide some suggestions around how I should/could act when this happens as him becoming frustrated seems to be unavoidable. I have gotten a lot better in recognising his moods and am a lot more understanding too but I am also at a loss of what to do in these situations. They cause so much instability and stress.

Is this something that we can work on together as a couple or something that he needs to figure out alone? I am grateful for any stories/tips/suggestions.

Thanks all.

I've been reading these forums for the past year or so and today I come looking for advice on my situation with my boyfriend of two years. We aren't married but we do live together and I'd love opinions from people who know what ADHD can do to a relationship in the long term.

Two years ago when I met my boyfriend we were both living at our parents' homes. I was fresh out of college and beginning to establish my career, he had bounced back home after some financial difficulties and was pretty much starting over. No car, no savings, just some debt from school where he'd been an on-again off-again student. He was open about the ADHD diagnosis he received as a child, but was not pursuing any kind of treatment even though some of the issues associated with the disorder were clearly affecting his life. These red flags didn't matter much at that stage and he won me over with all that charming hyperfocus. It felt... amazing. Soon I was driving him around, to and from his house and work, helping him out in every way I could because I liked him so much. He always assured me how hard he was working to change his circumstances and how he'd been saving and he'd have a car in a few weeks. It has never happened.

It's been about two years since then and a lot has changed. Shortly after meeting him I got a great job that I excelled at. I've been promoted several times and I'm making a name for myself in a competitive field. I'm proud of how far I've come and I know that my success is due to my hard work and responsible decision making. He found a job in the same metropolitan area and for a while we were commuting together in my car - he was also crashing at my parents' house a lot. He and I moved out of my parents' house a little less than a year ago, eliminating my 2+ hour commuting habit. When we moved in together he was oblivious/uninterested in helping with household tasks. I had to buy everything for the house -- furniture, kitchen supplies, cleaning supplies, bedding, the majority of our food. I had a good paying job and he had no savings and no money to spare after rent and his marijuana habit, so that's just the way it worked out.

He's since been fired from two jobs. I've had to loan him money too, which makes me uncomfortable because it adds a weird power dynamic to our relationship and I just want us to be equals. But now I'm wondering if a partnership of equals is even possible with an ADHD partner. I love hanging out with him, but I'm terrified that I'm signing up for a life of financial difficulties and arguments with his bad temper and victim attitude. When we fight he just says the same things over and over (sometimes verbatim - does that happen to anyone else?), but refuses to consider my perspective. Just the other night we had an argument. Once we talked I understood that it was just a misunderstanding and neither of us needed to be upset. I told him that I loved him and didn't want to argue. He wouldn't stop so I walked away from the fight just to hear him call me a "Fucking Seven Year Old" while I walked upstairs. Hearing him call me immature really gets my goat. We haven't been intimate in months.

I am not without my issues either, and there are aspects of his personality that I adore. After some rough talks a few months ago, he is much better about lending a hand around the house. But that is also due to the fact that after his most recent layoff he decided to finally go back to school and finish his degree while earning money online from home. His being home all day makes it easier for him to help out, but it also makes it easier for him to be distracted by TV/video games/the internet... etc. I'm making strides in my life and my career - I'd like to travel, think about buying a house in the next few years, and live the adult life that I've earned. My boyfriend is not at a point where he has the time or money to do these things (time... that's another thing. He sure updates his Facebook a lot on the days when he is working from home, but then has no time once I'm home. He can't even close his computer to watch TV with me!)

I'm wondering if my desire to be loved is keeping me in a relationship that is not moving forward. I have encouraged/gently prodded him to seek treatment and possibly medication for his ADHD, but he has not. I have done a lot of research and bought books for us to read -- I have read them, he has not. I know it is unreasonable to expect a person to change - but HE'S the one who told me that he was trying to get his act together! I want to feel mutually supported by my partner, but for the past two years it is me who has been supporting him. Even in Melissa Orlov's posts I read about the wives who have to keep everything together for their husbands -- that model may be great for some but it isn't what I want for my life. He would like to get married to me, but I have told him that I am not comfortable making that commitment without seeing him get on his feet a little more.

So tell me forum -- can they make the changes that they say they want? How can I tell if this is a good investment of my time? I'm still young, beautiful, and pretty successful so I know that there are other partners out there for me if that's what I choose. It's just that I'm already in love with this one. I'm so torn between a heart that loves this guy, and a brain that thinks this relationship is going nowhere. Help?