My partner and I have been together for 19 months.  He has ADHD and I knew this before we got involved.  We didn't have the whirlwind romance, with wildly romantic gestures and hyperfocus so often described.  We just clicked.

From my reading of how some ADHD people behave, he does not have the most severe behaviours, but he definitely has the whole range.  He is terrible with money.  He can't find a job in his profession as "he can't be left alone to finish anything" according to his bosses.  His driving is dangerous.  His memory is horrendous (when he's tired he can't remember what happened 5 minutes ago, let alone that morning or last week).  He can't plan things.  He doesn't follow through on promises.  His social skills are bad (he says he doesn't understand what is going on, can't keep track of conversations).  He doesn't communicate well.  He probably has dyslexia (according to a psychologist) but has never been formally diagnosed with it.  He processes very slowly, so may need days before he can respond to something that has happened.

However, he is incredibly hard-working and shows up to work every day.  He put himself through tertiary study even with the dyslexia, because he wanted to better himself.  He never denied he had ADHD and never denied the need for things to be done differently in the relationship to adjust for his ADHD-ness.  He is kind and thoughtful and affectionate (at least I thought he was).  He is understanding when I'm upset (again he was, not so much now).  He is funny and cheeky and we have a lot of fun together.  He can do household chores if he decides to and is really good at shopping (rarely misses anything on the list and never gets stuff that isn't). 

He is bisexual and was upfront about that at the beginning, and also admitted to having a somewhat adventurous sex life prior to us getting together.   However he said he had only ever cheated once during a relationship, and that was with an ex-partner at a very emotional time.  He said he had learned his lesson.  He promised me that if he ever felt like he wanted to be with anyone else, he would leave our relationship, that he would never cheat because he knew it would devastate me.  When we have sex its great, but he is inconsistent with that and "forgets" to have sex with me (his words, not mine).  I feel rejected a lot because he will say "oh sorry, I forgot tonight, we can have sex tomorrow night, I promise".  Then repeat the next day etc.

So skip forward to June this year.  He's out shopping for a birthday card and finds a card that has the poem "I promise" by Emily Matthews, the one that starts..."I promise you a love that's true forever and a day".  He randomly gives me the card and a teddy bear just because he thought it was everything about how he felt.  It's on my desk at work and I look at it every day.

Then in July, he proposes to me.  He gets down on one knee and says I am the only person for him, he doesn't want anyone else.  He wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

We buy a ring (which he has to pay off) and we spend the next two months planning the wedding.  I got my ring last Friday and finally announced to people that we're engaged.

On Monday night, I find a cellphone in the car.  Not his proper cellphone, a different one.  Which has 81 texts from June (before he bought the promise card) to September arranging meetings with women to have sex.  The day before he proposed to me, he texted two different women trying to arrange "hooking up" for sex.  He admits he went to meet that woman the day before he proposed but that he "chickened out" and left before she got there because he felt "guilty".  He denies having sexual contact with anyone, just the texting and arranging meetings but never going ahead.  He says he stopped in September because he didn't want to hurt me and realised what he was doing.

I cannot believe he would propose to me and promise I was the only one he wanted, knowing he was cheating on me (or at least planning to).  He let me plan our entire wedding and make all these plans for the future knowing he was cheating on me.  For me that is just the cruelest part.  He didn't have to propose to me, I didn't ask him to.  I understand having doubts etc, but going out of his way to propose (I can only assume it was part of the cover up, if I thought things were going well I wouldn't suspect him) is just evil.

The week before my birthday was particularly bad for us.  He rejected me the entire week.  And I find all these texts that same week.  He wasn't interested in me because he was sending sexual texts to some random women.

I had actually suspected something was going on.  He was late home too many times and I would ask why and he'd make up excuses about the traffic being bad.  I asked him so many times was he cheating and he always denied it.

And his excuse?  His ADHD leads to "thrill-seeking behaviour".  For him it was the thrill of not getting caught. 

And why he didn't tell me?  He "forgot" to tell me.

And his defence when I'm crying and yelling and my soul is breaking?  "It's not like I had sex with anyone".

So Mr "I can't plan anything and I can't remember what I say" managed to plan how to meet women, how to hide the texts, cover up the money needs to keep sending texts, remember all the lies and follow through with a plan to cheat on me for four months.

He says he proposed to me because he wants to marry me and that it wasn't a lie.  But both things can't be true.  You can't promise "you're the only one I want" while cheating with other women.

My heart and soul feel broken :( :( :(

I am new to this site and just can't thank everyone here enough for sharing their struggles which mirror my own. For the first time in years I don't feel so alone and I've found some hope in the idea that I'm not crazy or needy. (Or, as my husband feels, a burden) Finally my struggles have a name:  ADHD and Marriage. 

I am fairly newly married (just over three years) and after an initial but hasty wonderful whirlwind courtship, I've been reduced to the smallest person I have ever known. I barely recognize myself at times; one minute wallowing in despair at his complete lack of interest or caring about me, my kids, his OWN kids, or our home- to the next minute raising my voice and demeaning him in an ugly but often successful attempt to get him off the computer and on to some chores here at home. 

Each of us came into this marriage with two young children of our own. As a result, the stakes are high. Our kids have all been through enough heartache and confusion in their young lives to give up now. But if you think blending a family is hard, having to do it with a man with ADHD feels impossible at times. 

My husband is a good provider and is dedicated at work (recently admitting he does write tasks down to be sure he doesn't forget). But that's where the benefit ends. I am of absolutely no interest to him, nor are any of the four children. He is obsessively dedicated to a blog about gold values that he reads and posts on. His preoccupation with this blog takes up every last second (millisecond) of his free time including but not limited to a few fender benders in his car in an incessant need to either read or respond to a post while driving. This obsession has recently expanded to include twitter as well, (speedily written brief updates) as the very idea that something newsworthy could be missed while he is begrudgingly taking his son to his football game (staring into his blackberry reading and writing rather than watching his son play). This has not gone unnoticed by his 11 year old, he has become accustomed to having to say, "Dad" pause "Dad" pause "Dad" pause "Dad" pause for at least three minutes each time he seeks his father's attention be it at home or in a public setting.  My husband has told me on more than one occasion that he takes pride in the fact at his amazing ability to tune everyone out. A shocking thing to be proud of, but certainly not unexpected from one with such little interest in engaging with us. 

When I've tried every tactic imaginable to share my feelings with him, he tells me that I am a burden. My wanting SOME attention from him and even more pleadingly for his own children annoys him. He has two young boys. They lost their Mother in a car accident just a year before I married their father and were denied the ability to talk about or grieve with their Dad this devastating loss. I spent the first entire year with them celebrating her memory, making them scrapbooks with many memories of her, and allowing them to talk openly. But even as I write this, the older boy would give his right arm to be sincerely acknowledged by his Dad. Conversation much less hugs from Dad are about as few and far between as his other obligatory glances in our direction which are usually driven by my making him feel guilty. His youngest son is seven. He is a high functioning autistic child. (Yes autism was piled on my plate as well).  He will stand behind his Dad's computer chair just jumping up and down peering over his Dad's shoulder while he types on the blog. He'll do this for four to five hours straight - either one rarely exchanging a word -But to him, he's spending time with Dad. 

As far as my two children go, they ignore him or disrespect him. My husband finds it difficult to accept they don't obey him when he hasn't developed any kind of relationship with them whatsoever. You simply cannot expect respect from step-children if you don't ever engage with them. And so I feel the pressure to be all things to all four of these children in my husband's absent presence. (absent presence - that pretty much sums him up)

I have sadly concluded that he is blind to everything, everyone, and every activity except his work and his blog.

BUT....just this morning I purchased Melissa's book "the ADHD Effect on Marriage" and would be reading it this moment except that the first few pages me cry. Seeing that I am NOT alone, this CAN be managed successfully, combined with my gratitude for stumbling upon it.... momentarily overwhelmed me. 

I know what I know what I know...her description of her courtship and marriage and sudden shocking insignificance not only made me cry as it could easily have been my own story, but it gave me hope.

Words cannot explain how relieved I feel to be standing on a new road with promise. Between the book and this outlet where I can walk with all of you, I just might get tall again. 

Thanks for listening.

The (small) Pink Crow

So I tried to be in a really good mood today and woke up early as usual on a Sunday morning to go to the gym and my 5 yrs old was up already at 7am and she wished me a "happy birthday" and then she turned to my husband and said " wish mommy a happy birthday"  and he just mumble it from the other room not bothering to get up from the couch ( yes, again he slept on the living room).

It was a pretty busy day today by having to take the kids for a presentation at church anniversary in the morning then a photo session for a coming up recital in the afternoon but still I did it without complaining or nagging. Now it is night and still I am sitting here hoping that this year would be different but no "happy birthday", no card, no cake....nothing. It is just insulting to me that I ask him about a cake or a lunch and he replied "you really want it?". He has no money, he always say he has no money but come on a person's bday is only once a year...a are or a cake will get anyone that broke? 

But what is really ticking me off is that he announced last month that his cousin/wife and son are coming over for a two night stay and we had a huge argument already regarding that because I told him that I don t feel comfortable having anyone over if he doesn't clean all the mess in the house, he said he would clean and I made clear that I want and the house need a deep clean. Now we are one week away from it, the house is not any better than last month and tonight I took the kids to see grandma for  2 hours and before I left I asked him if he could handle and focus on the cleaning, he replied " no problem, I just took my medication". When I got home everything was the same, dishes from this morning was still in the sink and he only manage to move one sofa from one side to the other side of the room. I looked at it in disbelieve and he said he had everything in control then he showed me that he wrote on top of my sketch for the room layout that living room for Sunday, family room for Monday and kids room for Tuesday and Wednesday... argh!!!!! Now he is on his computer chatting away on a blog and pretty soon he will go sleep again (he took a 2hrs nap while I was driving my older kid for photo session).

I just can't seem to look at the bright side of any thing anymore because he has too much unfinished project around the house or project need around the house that he ignores. We got the house 6 years ago and he decided to put a fence by himself, so he worked on it after work for about 2 weeks and he left it undone (but he assured that it is completed), it was supposed to have lights on top of the columns and a automatic fence. And on the process of doing the fence he broke the automatic sprinklers systems, which I finally got someone to fix it for me end of last year and in less than a month he broke some of the heads and now it won't work on all garden. He was supposed to put a fan on my youngest child room, we bought the fan 5 years ago, it sat on the living room for about 3 years then he took it out of the box, put on the ceiling with a bunch of tape on it then it doesn't turn, so he left as it is for another year and then he went black took all the tapes and did whatever he did and still fan is not turning and light still off until today. When we bought the house he first also wanted to do all the painting himself but it didn't work so he finally hired someone to do it but he paid for only the walls. He took all the outlet covers off and never put them back on and my laundry room there is no light on it because he won't install it back. Then on the front  door he put a blue tape around it because he wanted to paint it until today the tape still there and he won't let me take it off because he said he will paint the door! I am not a very neat person either but I do my best to clean up after myself and the kids but the things he does and let the kids do it is just too much. It drives me insane. I tried to look away and now I just think the house is just a pile of trash on every single room. I am so tired of having to sleep with dirty dished in the sink almost every night when he is supposed to clean it " is theory is that he can't sleep without a dirty dish on the sink". He comes home and just throw his clothes on the side of the bed and does that everyday so if I don't put on the basket, they will just keep piling off on the side of the bed. If I point out some of the stuffs to be clean then he turn to me and say " look at your mess". I can't keep clean and then have him and the kids turn upside in less than a couple hours. It is too insane for me and I decided I won't do it. The house work really stressed me out, until last year I had a nanny that would help keeps things kind in control, now that she has been gone for about 9 months, I feel like just keeping sinking down on quick sand. I keep telling myself that tomorrow I will just throw everything out but then I just look around and I am worn out. I feel lost, I feel that I am a messy person like him, I am ashamed to have anyone come to my house, only family members come and I can see the disapproval. It is somehow always the women's fault that the house is messy, the kids are not polite and so on.

why it is so hard for my husband to just get some of the work done, it is his cousin that is coming over. Why he doesn't feel ashamed of the dirtiness of the house? Or why it doesn't bother him when people comments that the house needs some cleaning? What is the matter? Hygiene is not important? 

As I stated on my previous posts, I lost my job 1/2 yrs ago and now I can't afford much...I can't get the sprinkler fixed, I can't hire handyman to get my faucets fixed, or the fan fixed or the lights installed or the door painted. Even without a job I am still reponsible for paying some of the bills (which these past couple of months felt like the majority of the bills) and he seems like he doesn't care how we will pay the bills on the following months...he just can't get off the blog for his hobbie, sometimes I feel like smashing that phone off!!!

it is a pretty long vent...my own birthday gift for me this year! To a better future...I hope...

I am pushing my non add wife to her edge.  She has given me something of an ultimatum, change or else, soon.  I want to change, I want to show her how much I love her.  But I fail.  I forget arguments and relive them.  I make promises and later don't even realize I made them.  She sees me make the same mistakes over and takes it as proof of uncaring and unloving behavior.  

I have tried many ADD meds.  I have learned that anything XR burns me out, I get a boost at first.  But then I get more headaches, and eventually just burnt out.  Non-stimulants don't work very well for me.  I also have found several conditions this year that could be the source of or contribute to ADD.  Very low testosterone.  An ulcer making me anemic.  Moderate sleep apnea.  Depression, which I thought was just from being unemployed, but I have a history of it in my family, as well as substance abuse that I have never had, but it has made me believe I need to take some antidepressants just to make sure I do not slide into a hole.  I am having hormone replacement treatments, iron supplements, I have 10mg IR adderall as needed.  I drink a lot of coffee during the day, and if I can remember too I take a half or a whole adderall before going home.  I need to be good at home...

My wife says I never look like I am happy.  Other than the problems with her I feel like I am in one of the best places I have ever been.  I have a new job that I really like, I have never been able to say that before.  I have a 6 year old daughter that I can't imagine being any more awesome.  At first I denied that I was acting unhappy.  But a therapists put a mirror up to my face and I could see it, not sure what is wrong with me.  I want to change, want to make my wife feel special, want to notice what is going on, make her feel supported.  I make my phone remind me, but after I get used to it going off I start pushing it to the back of my mind, I expect it so it doesn't get attention.  I get foggy, and I think my wife interprets that as unhappy and mopey.  I tried talking to her about how ADD can make it seem like I am not trying but I really am, she gets angry and says I can't use ADD as an excuse and hide behind it.  I do not think my wife can really acknowledge that she has any part in how things are, I am not sure she deserves any credit anyway.  

I decided I was going to focus only on my own issues.  I can't control my wife, but I can control my own behavior.  But I am not so sure now.  I try, I make reminders, I kick myself, but I still forget.  I still fail.  I think I am making progress, but my wife can not see it.  I am not sure if I really am.  My wife even says on paper we should be ridiculously happy.  We both now have great jobs.  A great family.  Our futures seem so bright and positive.  Except she feels so lonely.  She can't take it anymore.  I do not know what to do.  I told myself I was going to journal and be reflective, but tomorrow turns into the day after that then never.  I feel like I do not have enough time, never enough.  

How can I make myself change?  How do I stop accidentally being a hurtful jerk to the woman I love?  Just knowing should be enough, but then I forget, do it again.  Then cringe as my wife yells in anger and frustration.  I deserve it, but I should be better, I should be able to control my own actions, my own mind...