Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Marriage break down. Any advice please. by: brain fog 12 years 1 month ago

    Hi, I am new to this site.

    At the age of 43 yrs I have only just been diagnosed with ADD. Like so many I always knew there was a problem but didn't understand what.

    School years were really bad and i was constantly told that i was lazy, day dreaming, disorganized etc...! When i left school things started to get better and i was very good at my job as a fashion designer but could never deal with the paper work and social aspects that well. I got married to the love of my life 17 yrs ago and we were so much in love and had an intense and passionate courtship. We have been together a total of 23 yrs including dating. Pretty much as soon as we got married and started a family that is when the cracks started to appear. We have two lovely children of 8 and 13. Back came those feelings of self doubt, not being good enough, feeling put in the spot light because i wasn"t doing things properly, not being able to get on top of household bills and organizing family life, earning enough money. And the list could go on and on and on!

    To cut a very long story short, my husband who does not have add has got sick and tired of taking the burden of looking after the third child in our marriage (me!) Over the years he has tried to make me aware of the way i was behaving and tried to get me to take on some responsibility for household stuff etc, but i would listen but not act on it. I didn't seem to realize the significance of what he was telling me. The more he has tried to point things out the more i have retreated into my shell and so the cycle will go round and round until 5 months ago he dropped me the bombshell that he no longer loved me and for his own well being and for our children, that he wanted a separation and wanted to move out.

    It was around this time that I was shocked into finally realising that this is serious stuff and I needed to do some soul searching, which was how after months of councilling and seeing specialists that I have just been diagnosed with ADD. This is a huge relief for me on the one hand as it answers many of the problems I have had during childhood and ofcourse more recently in my marriage. I am so so sad that I did not get diagnosed when i was a child or even as a young adult as I have lost the love and respect of my darling husband who I still love and wish we could try to make a clean go of things with this knowledge i now have and understand. Sadly he is moving out in 4 weeks time and is able to calmly tell me that after 24 years together he definitly does not love me and does not want to try again as he feels too exhausted and hurt by the years of my ADD behaviour.

    I feel so gutted and lonely. I live in the UK where there is not as much help and advice as there is in the USA. Not only am i grieving for the lost happy childhood i could have had at school if my parents and teachers had picked up on this, but i am grieving daily for a marriage that could have been if i knew about this condition. My parents refuse to have anything to do with this diagnosis and will not support me. My husband is trying to be understanding to a point and is happy for me that i have got this diagnosis off my own back but repeatedly tells me that it does not affect his decision as it is too late.

    I have just bought your book Melissa, ADHD affect on Marriage and he says he will read it before he leaves our home to move out in 4 weeks. I have read it and it could be explaining my own marriage to the letter. Sorry to ramble. No one can make my husband love me again but i am having a really tough time accepting and dealing with it now knowing the reasons behind many of the behaviours. By the way no one else is involved in the relationship and he has not left me for anyone else. I am not a nasty or mean person and have not been knowingly and purposefully disrespectful and rude, lazy etc... in our marriage but it has seemed like that to my husband.

    Any advice would be so welcome please.

    Thank you for taking the time to read my post in a rambling ADD way :) !

     

     

  • Falling apart, Completely on the edge... by: zombiedad 12 years 1 month ago

    Hello all.  Haven't posted in a bit but have read much here since my initial post.

    Wife seems to be turning the "hyperfocus" against me!

    Since things went into the proverbial shitter over the last round of unpaid bills (outlined in my intro post), she has "hyperfocused" on what I THOUGHT was the school for her next career change, but as it turns out has been on post-class texting, late nights out, chain smoking (A MAJOR deal for me as I have lost multiple relatives - including VERY recently and very traumatically - to tobacco related illness - not to mention that our oldest child has asthma and I am allergic to cigarette smoke) AND proving to herself (?) that I am the "bad guy" since addressing the need to re-evaluate the future of our relationship in light of her impulsive and unreliable behavior.

    I have insomnia.  Once awakened, I cannot go back to sleep, yet I have a job which not only requires me to be there very early , but requires me to be "on" for the entire time I am there - after which I am in charge of our three kids - young - for the rest of the evening while she is "in class".

    Upon return from class, she retires to the back porch to text and smoke and drink (a NEW habit - which not only stinks but which she insists I LIE to our kids about when they detect the stench).  She usually makes so much noise that I am woken up from my exiled spot on the couch downstairs, which means "done" for me for the night with my sleep problem.  I have gone out to tell her and to express my disappointment that after personally witnessing the effects of tobacco related illness in my own family that I am concerned for our children going through with her what I had gone through with my own family.  Also to ask her to PLEASE stop going outside to text and smoke because the dogs start barking and wake up the kids AND me and keep me from going to sleep because of my sleep problems which could potentially effect my work performance.

    Her response?  To make a SHOW of recording me with her phone to gather "evidence" that I speak to her - "evidence" that I am "negative", "nonsupportive", or "abusive", which I am not.  She is so smug while she does this that I swear she must hate me.  I all but plead with her just to listen and she shuts me down.  When I become emotional, she flashes her phone at me - smiling -  to remind me I am being recorded.

    Ironically, (and pathetically), even as she sleeps soundly upstairs - contented in her "victim" role as the wife of a "nonsupportive" husband - i just want to go up and crawl into the bed with her and pretend - for a minute - that things are OK.  How weak is that?

    It makes me feel like I am crazy.

    (FWIW - she is texting a friend who is in a troubled marriage - at least I think she is.  If she WERE to be texting an "affair" , I honestly don't think I'd care - it;s the smoking and noise that bothers me.)

    I am a suicide survivor (lost my best friend and found him after the act 15 years ago) and have recently begun to take comfort in thoughts of "ending it".  Never would, though, because I KNOW what it leaves behind and would NEVER, EVER put my kids through that, but just the fact that it has crossed my mind is very telling.

    This is F'd up.  I can't take much more of this.  I have lost weight.  I cannot sleep and when I can she wakes me up.  My hands shake.  I drink EVERY night and put myself to sleep with sleeping pills (after which she wakes me up!).  I just don't know how much more I can stand.  Ashamedly, I am in tears as I type this.

    Of course, when I try to articulate this to HER, I am crazy, I am non-supportive.  I am ridiculed and dismissed and have a recording device flashed at me.  Maddening.

    Sorry for the negative post, but hopefully this documentation may help others somehow in the future.  Maybe?

     

     

  • has anyone had success with Hypnosis as a treatment for ADHD? by: trg107 12 years 1 month ago

    I am against meds in general, and my boyfriend of 1 year has been on the  same meds since initially diagnosed at age 14.  He takes them religiously at the exact same time every single day.  I have several concerns about this:

    1.  I feel that its become a security blanket for him and he's acknowledged it as well, but is too afraid/dependent to get off.  If he was initially prescribed this as a child, and he's never been off of them since, we have no clue what he's like as a 35 y.o. adult off of the meds!  Also, the amount he is on is 2-3xs the suggested level for the prescription.  We have no research to my knowledge about long term effects of these meds, especially at the levels he is taking them at.   How long is someone REALLY supposed to be on this stuff? How much do we REALLY know about long term effects on health? 

    2. We discuss having a family.... I wonder what effects these meds may have on my getting pregnant and potential birth defects, especially considering the high level he is prescribed.

    3.  I've read online the positive effects of hypnosis for 'curing' ADHD, and I've pleaded him to consider it as an option.  I would like to hear from others who have successfully or not successfully tried hypnosis as an alternative treatment option.

     

    Thank you for your feedback!

     

  • Advice for helping my husband and son get organized by: ljs 12 years 1 month ago

    Hi everyone,

    I would like to try to help my husband and son get organized. I think that with some more structure in our lives and home, they would function better. My husband struggles with setting up structure because he never feels it is good enough, but he said he would be willing to use a structure that I set up for him in the absence of something perfect! 

    Here are some of the issues I have noticed. If you have found ways to manage them in your lives, I would sure love to hear about it! Any tips or advice would be welcome. So much of this comes naturally to me that I have trouble putting myself in their place but I really want to help.

    • Losing keys and daily use items like wallet, cards, coats, etc.
    • Dealing with paperwork. I do the bills but there are other papers he hangs on to.
    • An order for getting ready and out the door. I think that would help eliminate forgetting things.
    • Paying bills on time.
    • Returning phone calls and emails.
    • Keeping desk and assignments organized at school. It has been hard since I am not actually there.

    Thanks, everyone!

     

  • Separation tips? Restraining order for talking/whining/blaming/political ranting? I'm fed up & exhausted. by: HeavenHelpMe 12 years 1 month ago

    Hi everyone.

    I haven't been posting much since my initial start with this online forum, nor even been reading much.

    I can't stand him. (Him being my ADD husband.) We have made zero progress. I am so fed up. Exhausted.

    I just want him to be quiet!!!!!

    Actually I'd really like a separation... a long one. But like most women I want him to change during the separation. It's so sad because I feel like our unhappy coexistence could be improved and there are solutions. But he is in a panic about our financial crisis- has been for several months- as the bank is closing his checking acct and he doesn't have the funds to pay his bills. He runs around in a panic- blaming me- trying to find solutions and being difficult to live with. We cannot communicated for even 5 minutes together. We cannot sit down and discuss things together on the couch. And yet, he isn't making progress and how long will it take to pay off $75,000+ debt? We can't even work together as a team.

    Every single interaction with him is horrible... except for most (not all) of our conversations about the cute things our twin 2-year-olds do.

    Just because I haven't been posting online... doesn't mean all is rosy. Just the opposite.

    Anyone know how to get a separation started? Been there? Tips?

    Can I just get a restraining order because he won't shut up?

    I've got to nap. I need the escape.

    Debbie

    HEAVEN HELP ME

     

     

     

     

     

  • Feeling fed up and quiet by: dptilleraas 12 years 1 month ago

    I looked for this forum out of sheer desperation.  I am SOOOOOOOOOOO... fed up with my husband.  I am not even sure if/how much I care anymore.  I didn't get married until my late 40s and had been a single, independent, professional woman until then.  I adopted a couple of children along the way on my own and our life was good - not perfect, but comfortable.  I married to enhance my life and share it with someone.  What I have gotten instead is a whirlwind of chaos, embarrassment and shame in this sham of a marriage.  It feels crazy.  I feel like I have two choices - (1) live in this clutter and chaos - being responsible for every detail because my husband can't/won't handle things and swallow the anxiety and frustration that I feel; or (2) pack his bags and put them on the boulevard.  (The house is in my name.);  My husband talks a good game and can be a very kind and loving person - on his terms.  Things around here are a mess.  His ADHD drives me crazy and he doesn't take personal responsibility to make it better.  Oh he will go to a counselor or get meds if I insist, but it is just for awhile.  As soon as things "calm down" (aka I "calm down") he tinkers around the edge of the issues for awhile, but eventually he goes back to his old ways.  Last year I found out that he hadn't filed income taxes for 3 out of 4 years we were married.  (We filed separately because he had a huge debt to the IRS when we got married.) When I told him to move out because of the lies, he really started to get his act together.  Short lived though.  He exhibits the responsibility of a teenager - inconsistent and wanting someone else to take care of things for him.  And NO WAY am I willing to sign on for that.  When I talk to him about things that are bothering me - like totally destroying the kitchen and leaving it for me to cope with (for days and days if possible) while he reads downstairs - he either makes me the wicked witch and him the victim... or he gives me this half smile like "what about you?"  Am I perfect?  Not on your life... but I don't live in the extremes that he presents.  It drives me crazy.  He can't hear well - refuses to keep his hearing aids in - (has lost two pair at the cost of 4 - 6k per set), and then sulks when I don't want to sit and shout to have a conversation with him.  He never took care of his teeth and now has lost one of his front ones.  At age 60 and a professional pastor - I go in public with him only to have him open his mouth and without his false teeth.  He refuses to keep a calendar and then agonizes or bothers everyone to find out when/where things are going to happen.  His car is  unbelievable it is so packed and filthy ... then he wants to use mine when we go anywhere or have to transport someone.  I could go on and on.  Now on other things... he is like clock work... always mows the lawn, takes out the garbage to the curb on Friday mornings, etc.  So... makes me think that some of this is choice on his part too.  His comment is usually that he doesn't understand why I can't "overlook" things or help him (aka take care of him).  I detest him a lot of the time, quite honestly, and my life becomes more separate from him while under one roof day by day.  I made a commitment to this marriage and I would like to honor it.  But I am so miserable and I feel like I have been robbed of my dignity when I am with him.  He just doesn't seem to care and I have no desire to take care of him.  Feedback anyone?  I don't even want to argue with him - I just want him to go away.  Help!
     

  • Sports Drinks by: Got It 12 years 1 month ago

    Holy Cow, I just had a light bulb moment.  My ADHD BF normally pounds tripple, tripple coffee, sports drinks or in the evening has a couple of drinks.  I despise the chemical taste of sports drinks and about three weeks ago asked him if he noticed that whenever he drinks them we ended up in a spat.  I didn't realize until right now, he has actually stopped drinking them and has leveled out tremendously in terms of temperament.

    Not sure what the scientific side of things is but am sure they have a negative affect.

  • Frustrated to no end.... by: mrst 12 years 1 month ago

    Hi All!

    My daughter is ADD not ADHD and we went to see  a speaker on it, just happened to be Dr. Hallowell! Low and behold as we were finding out things it was dawning on me this is my hubby as well.  He's been diagnosed as clinically depressed because of his anger outbursts but from hearing Dr. Hallowell and reading on Adult ADHD I believe he is depressed and ADHD as well.

     

    Not sure what to do. Been married 11 years and am filled with such resent in my hurt. I am still talking and not done totally with him as I do love him and our 3 kids and do not want to break up our home. But the more he does things without even asking me. not helping me sitting in front of his computer all day.. If he does watch the girls for me I have to call to remind him at whatever time for what needs doing. Like eat at such such bath at such such bed at such such..


    He's into video editing and is always having a new project to deal with. Yells at me because I don't know how it is to be a video editor.. And to me my response is you try to run a house by yourself. I survive because I have my mother in law who adores me and is such a help I can't imagine life without her and I have my mom nearby. They are my helpers. I have no emotional support and very minimal support in household affairs.. my adhd daughter's homework my problem, cooking my problem, finances my problem.. He does do the dishes/make the bed but it took me 10 years to get those things into a ritual for him.  And he does cut the yard and take out the trash. But the handling of all the emotional crap and household stuff is horrible.

     

    Just looking for some suport I guess........... Man our lives seem they can be so hard.

  • Don't treat unkindness with kindness by: jennalemon 12 years 1 month ago

    I found this on the internet and thought a few of us could benefit by reading it over and over.  I will.

    "Sally's husband was often abusive. One morning, over breakfast, Hank began yelling at her because she was on the phone instead of keeping him company. Later, after Hank went to work, Sally picked up his shirts from the laundry, ran some other errands for him, and decided to cook his favorite dish for dinner.  Do you think Sally did the right thing?

    Sally, alas, believed that if she could only create an ideal loving home atmosphere, her husband's abusiveness would stop. Unfortunately, she was in fact rewarding her husband's negative behavior. In response to his outbursts, Hank found his chores done for him and he was served his favorite dinner. Why would he change his treatment of his wife when she responds so positively?

    The events that follow an action will weaken or strengthen the likelihood it will occur again. In behavioral psychology, this is called the "Law of Effect" and states that behavior varies as a function of its consequences.  Hence, if Sally is nice to Hank when he treats her badly, she is teaching him to continue being abusive. By putting up with Hank's abusive behavior, Sally gives him the message that it's okay to treat her that way. If she showed him instead that she was willing to be especially kind and helpful only when he was considerate and loving, a positive pattern would be more likely to develop.

    Similarly, Tommy believed that kindness would overcome unkindness. He sent flowers to his wife whenever she flared up at him, hoping this gesture would put her in a good mood. Instead, it only encouraged her to flare up at him even more.  If Tommy understood the psychological Law of Effect, he would not repay his wife's unkindness with kindness but with a firm, assertive response that clearly expressed his unhappiness.

    Keep in mind:

    The meek shall inherit the earth because the aggressive people of the world will trample their face into it!

    Despite the Biblical decree, if you always turn the other cheek all you'll end up with is a completely sore face.

    To encourage positive and discourage offensive behavior:

    • Do not reward behaviors in others that you wish to eliminate.

    • Follow actor Alan Alda's advice: "Be fair with others, but then keep after them until they're fair with you."

    • Learn to speak up assertively.

    • Do not reward unkind behavior from others.

    • If someone treats you badly, say so - do not smile and pretend it's okay.

    Remember:  Think well, act well, feel well, be well!"

     

    Copyright by Clifford N. Lazarus, Ph.D

  • How do I protect my 5 year old? by: Tigerfly 12 years 1 month ago

    I do want to cry right now out of frustration, but my main issue that I feel unable to resolve is my childish husbands rollercoaster of an attitude with my daughter.  A little background, he has two children from a previous marriage he is unable to have consistent contact with and hasn't seen in over a year.  Me and my daughter have moved to Australia with him and now are expecting another child due in a month. 

    This evening my baby made an insensitive comment and while it was something she needed to apologize for and understand why it was wrong to say, his over the top reaction to a child saying something childish and letting his anger last for hours is really hurting my heart for her.  He said such things as she needs to go back to her dad and he needs to start paying for her, he has two children in America and he wont stand being around someone that disrespects him... ect.  A while later he asks my daughter if she loves him.  It takes her awhile to answer and when she does she says no, oh goodness this sets him off again and he amps it up to "she hates me, that's it I'll have nothing to do with her" then about 5 minutes after that she gives him a hug and says she was just messing with him, and he's sweetness and light, like none of his ugliness ever happened... like he had forgotten just how "done" with her he was, and he's making all these plans with her to do fun things on the weekend.  Then not 10 minutes later we're watching a movie, he gets up and says goodnight, goes into the bedroom and closes the door. comes back out a minute later to turn the movie off no one was really watching and Cheyenne makes the innocent comment that now he can go back to bed, (I knew where she was coming from and it was not an impertinent comment, it's how she expresses herself and she was in her mind being nice) well he took that and ran with it repeating all his rants from before, and adding in new ones about not having some 5 year old tell him when to go to bed, and how he's not supporting someone who hates him. blah blah.   I'm a little dumbfounded, 1 he had just said goodnight and made like he was going to bed.  2 Cheyenne and he JUST had a little moment or so I thought where she said I do love you and he was telling her how great she was. 

    His anger and inability to show self control in the middle of the silliness of children make me fear for my daughter to be around him alone.  My stomach is actually a little knotted up right now.  Yes she will run to him after his tantrum and hug him, she's a child she forgives easily and even when she makes a mistake, there's really no malice in her.  But I'm older, I see the wishy washy way he deals with her and even when she's running to him to play and things seem okay.  I am all tight inside wanting to keep her close to me and safe. 

    Any problem he has is always boiled down to it being my daughters fault for making him feel or think or do one thing or another.  She repeated something she heard me and his father say about Tim acting childish and she bursts in the room and blurted out what we had said.  Now I can't get too mad at a child repeating what they hear an adult say, I feel I have to take responsibility first.  Tim on the other hand berated, shouted and went really overboard with his angry outburst to the point of coming home today slamming things, knocking over stuff and just overall letting everyone know he is upset.  Over what she said last night.   I don't subscribe to the view that you hold grudges over children.

    I just really want to cry, because later once he's calmed down he'll be so open to understanding and apologetic and admitting to his over reaction.  Then later, whenever he feels he's been slighted by my child he'll fly into another tantrum. 

    And as a side note, he has really idolized or put on a pedestal his two children he can't see right now, and to a large extent I can understand, it's gotta be hard being away from your blood like that.  But what he does that I don't like at all is think that any mischievous or misunderstood, less than pristine behavior from my daughter is 1 a personal affront to him and maliciously meant to undermine him  or 2 some foreign behavior that his children would never display.  they'd never talk back they'd never have to have something repeated a few times before they do as they're told... and that constant comparing tears my heart up to have my daughter subjected to that stupidity.  I just don't know what to do. 

     

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