I am the ADHD spouse! I have made a lot of mistakes but I really am not a spiteful, mean, liar, lazy, and all the other names I've been called by my non-ADHD. He is the one who found this site and told me about it because of something's that has happened in our marriage. A lot has happened in our marriage, according to him it's all my fault. Nobody is can never disagree with him. If someone does like his mother it's because "she is always on the other person's side." I have to accept and agree to everything he says otherwise the name calling and arguing begins! It has been fine for him to be verbally and mentally abusive and I am feeling like now that he knows a little about ADHD he uses it to hurt me. I have been called every name you can think of and his new one is I'm a retard. (Of course, he claims he says these things out of anger). I am at such a loss of what to do now! I have lied about really dumb stuff like whether or not I talked to someone. Just really stupid stuff. So, he tells me I am nothing but a liar, sometimes I lie just to (in my mind) avoid an argument. The latest is because in one of our arguments and in one of my moments I blurt out about someone asking me out last Oct./Nov. I do realize he should have been told, except I didn't want him going to jail if there was a confrontation. Also, I knew every time we argued he would tell me to call that neighbor. I have told my husband many times in the heat and one of my moments I don't love him, I hate him, I'm divorcing him, I'm leaving (I have left a few times but that's another story), BUT he doesn't realize it is ONLY because it's something cruel and nasty he has said to me. I told him in the beginning I was ADHD, he thought that's no big deal who doesn't have a problem with concentration...He has found out it is so much more but "He is in denial," "He has a hard time accepting his wife has a mental problem," (claims to not remember saying that), he told me his mom told him, "You have to remember she is sick." There is more but I can't remember the EXACT words, and if it's not repeated just exactly how it was said then I'm lying! I am having a lot more rage moments than I have ever had in my entire life. I think it's because I'm to the point I just don't care what I say back to him! There is so much more our marriage is a mess, nothing but chaos! I hate that our son is witnessing and hearing the vile stuff that is going on! It can't not be ALL me! I keep a clean house, I don't medicate in any other way, I take excellent care of our son...I do my best to control the negative side of ADHD and it's not easy living with ridicule! I don't tell him stuff because he uses it against me! There is NO affection in our marriage! He took away the last thing I was getting from him a quick kiss and love you in the morning! I HAVE NOTHING left or reason to stay other than our son that's it! I do love my husband...I don't like him very much at times but I do love him! He said, we had an agreement to stop with the morning kiss and I love you because it is only out of habit! I didn't agree to that and felt like a fool standing there this morning and he told me later "I ruined his day!" Cruelty is his best game!

Hello everyone..

let me just say thank you to all of you...it really helps to know that somewhere out there someone understand me...

Does any one have experience with ADHD and Bipolar, my husband has both and im just about to run far away and change me and my childrens names so we can not be found. This life in utter torture...any words would be helpful..thank you!!

My girl (not my biological girl, but she lives with me and I love her as a daughter) is 13 now. I met her when she was half her age. I immediately noticed she was different from the average kid of her age. Everybody is different but this is not what I mean.

She jumped around, talked non stop and very unclearly. She couldn't stay still for a second, not even when she was really ill. She completed tasks in a huge hurry or left them undone. I remember baking with her. She was so sweet and adorable and excited, but what a mess :D!

She always interrupted people, her siblings were far too much in her shadow. She was very accident prone and no wonder. Sometimes I felt greatful that she had'n't accidentally got killed or seriously harmed others because she jumped around so much and had a lot of strenght. She craved for attention more than anyone I've ever seen. Whenever somebody was sick, she had to talk about her sore throat. If ever somebody had a story to tell, she couldn't let them. If it was somebody else's birthday, she begged and begged for the same present.

She was not aggressive at all and loved people and company. She was a slow learner in speech and many logical things from as long as my husband can remember. On the other hand, she was super fast in many things (also in a good way), extremely creative, athletic and in some areas linguistically talented (storytelling etc).

I thought her problems may have resulted from not having strict enough boundaries. As a person who's been with children a lot, I immediately saw from her that she craved boundaries and teaching, she asked and yearned them much more than the average kid. And she had not had enough of them from her same sex parent, who was an advocate for letting the child decide as many things as possible for herself. I was really sad because of this as I saw how it affected the girl's development and messed up with her head. Given so much choice, she was often very confused and her bounciness and occasional feelings of frustration got worse.

I thought maybe she is just a slow learner. Had she been my biological child, I would have had her tested there and then, but her mum did not see anything special about her and my boyfriend did but it was a difficult subject for him. '

When she was around 9 and none of this had really changed, I knew I need to try and get her help. She was more secure with our boundaries and tutoring, but those things had not changed her super speed behaviour or her social problems. I pushed further, saying again and again to my husband that the little girl needs and deserves extra help and support. By that time, I had already become her private tutor, her helper in so many things and someone who again and again explained her certain things. She was a very slow learner and it frustrated her. She felt stupid and different. I was worried, because she was getting so much extra support and it did not seem to solve her problems. The support helped, but incredibly slowly, and new problems seemed to arise. (examples: teaching her to know what time it is, teaching her about friendships and how to not interrupt people, how to listen to them, how to wash yourself, how to brush your hair, how to do your homework concentrating even 5 minutes for it, how to not always ask for somebody else to do her thinking for her...)

When she was 10 and having big challenges at school I said my husband should contact school. She had been getting the occasional extra lesson now and then, but I said he really should ask for more, and ask for tests, even though her mother thought the whole idea of her having learning difficulties was stupid. The mother said that she is a very bright kid whose only problem was that she did not trust herself enough. This made me so sad and sometimes frustrated. I saw how our girl's low self esteem resulted from these learning difficulties, the social difficulties and being different and not understanding how or what could be done. Encouraging her ("you can do it!") just did not solve her problems at all, I saw that they ran much deeper.

At 12, she had preliminary tests at school (thanks to me pushing for it, my husband finally being brave enough to go against his ex in this and the help of some good teachers. )Then, at 13, she was sent to be evaluated further. The process was long and tests thorough. We get the details soon, but just now they told us that she has adhd.

For me, this is sad but also a huge relief. School will provide her with more support now, we can learn tricks of the trade to help her the best, she herself will finally get the answers that she does crave for and maybe her mum will finally acknowledge her issues and start participating, raising her more appropriately and supporting her.

I feel like I've reached a goal, it worked! On the other hand, this is just the beginning. Now that she has been diagnosed and her mum's complaining about us being crazy has been proven wrong, the next world war is beginning. Do any of you have any tips on how to cope with this, how to make sure this girl gets all the support she needs even if her mum still says no to medication and refuses to start using certain techniques at home that we have been using even before this diagnosis (daily routines, consistent rules, encouragement and  boundaries...).

The mother loves her child, but she  not very good with kids (my husband has the near custody) and is very strong-willed and negative about anything we suggest, claiming that we are always wrong. There is also a history of some mild neglect from her side - when her kids were younger, they came to us really dirty with filthy clothes, they could eat what ever they wanted, wander off on their own etc. We tried talking to her about it but she was furious and denied it although kindergarten and school said about some of these things to her, too. It got better when the kids grew up a little - we taught them to brush their hair and change their underpants every day etc so the mother did not become more responsible but the children learned to do things without her taking care of them. You can imagine how challenging situation this is when the kids are young and one of them has (then undiagnosed) adhd. Thank God we have had the custody for years so we now get the doctor's papers etc directly.

Now that the specialists suggest the same things (boundaries etc) for this girl with adhd and they have a diagnosis for her I think it's very likely that instead of seeing the light she will just become even more stubborn and do more damage to her child who, in my view, has already suffered for not having got this diagnosis years ago. In the past, she has many times told her that we are wrong about many things. This is heartbreaking to watch as the girl adores her mum and is so confused by these mixed messages.

Any tips for how to survive the future and get the best treatment for this girl? One of the mum's techniques is postponing everything. So even if school/us takes action it's always too late, because she has tried to prevent it and it has caused delays. In some cases, diagnosis or treatment can even be prevented by one parent claiming that there is no problem and no symptoms. How on earth will this girl ever get good treatment and learn to be on the map with her diagnosis?! So sad for her :(.

Hello all!  I'm not new to AD/HD, but new to this forum.  I have lived with people my whole life with ADD.  I have spent a lot of time on this site and hear my story.  I'll give some background info first.  

I have a 17 year old son who was diagnosed at 4 with severe AD/HD, a 13 year old daughter who was diagnosed with AD/HD at 11, and my husband who I've been with for 15 years was just diagnosed last year.  My first husband, who died when my son was only 18 months old, is believed to have had ADD.  After more research when my husband was diagnosed with ADD, I now believe my father is ADD as well.  That's why I stated I have lived with ADD my whole life.  I went from my parents home, where I believe my father is ADD, to my first husband who I believe had ADD, my two children, and my current husband.

For years I have struggled with juggling everything and now I don't know if I can keep doing it all.    

As for my children, I have seen some improvement with the medication.  However, their attitude towards doing more to help themselves has me concerned how they will ever make it on their own.  They can't even remember to take their meds everyday regardless of the suggestions I have made to help them help themselves to remember.  Anyone with children knows how difficult it is to tend to all of their needs, toss in ADD for both, well the struggles amplify.  Oh, and I also homeschool them.  Now, toss in an ADD spouse who is in the military which adds in a whole other set of difficulties.  Mix it all together and I'm about to lose my mind.

After my husband was diagnosed (which took me threatening to leave), I jumped in doing research online, buying books, taking my time to figure out what is different between adult ADD and childhood ADD.  

So, why am I angry and/or frustrated?  I know having ADD is not their fault.  However, none of them will do anything to help themselves more.  Of course, my biggest source of anger is directed at my husband.  Now, that he has his diagnosis it's more like he just has an excuse for all of his “bad” behavior.  I have realized that a lot of the hurts I have experienced are caused by the ADD, but why is their no decrease or more effort on his part (the kids are just kids). 
My whole adult life (except for the time spent between husbands) has been a constant do you have your wallet, your keys, do you have an alarm set, did you remember this, did you remember that, have you taken your pill, do you have everything you need, did you remember to do this, do that.  I have been through all of the forgetfulness, the communication difficulties, impulsivity, lying, cheating, leaving, gaming and porn addictions, walking on eggshells because I don’t know what mood he will be in, the angry outburst and shocks to my nerves (most of these all by both husbands).  I’ve been through the countless amounts of wasted money because he didn’t put the water bill in the mail, he forgot and left stuff outside to be ruined by the weather, countless small things that only needed a few minutes to repair ended up needing major repair or replacement because he “never” had time to get to it.  I have been there picking up the pieces every time.  

I handle all of the bills, stay on house and car maintenance, kids appointments, his appointments, the bulk of the children's educational development, run my own business, and constant "reminder person" for them all.  I have no time for myself and resent all the play time he has.  I have to be the adult and he is just another child, only he won’t do what he is told.
They aren't bad people and it’s not horrible 24/7.  My children are sweet, smart, happy, and healthy.  My husband is sweet, thoughtful, smart, and healthy.  However, I feel like running away from home and feel guilty for even thinking such thoughts.  I just keep thinking when is enough enough.  I feel as if I’m drowning, he’s watching, and won’t even through me a rope.
My husband makes me feel like I have to change.  How much more forgiving, understand, and patient am I supposed to be?  It appears as if I am expected to just put up with all of this and not complain, not be upset, not be resentful, or tired, because he can’t help it.  But he does nothing to change.  I haven’t ever had a relationship with anyone who hasn’t had ADD.  So, I have no clue if this is all ADD or ADD with personality flaws that have no treatment.

I feel like I’m losing myself.  I feel like a manager more than a wife and partner. 

He’ll talk to me as long as it’s something he wants to talk about.  He’ll ask me things like what I would like to talk about or what I’m thinking.  I typically respond with nothing because of years of actually thinking he’s interested to realize he isn’t.  He cuts me off and says he has to interrupt or he’ll forget.  However, if I interrupt him while he is talking about something non-important because I’ve been reminded of something important to tell him I’m being rude. 

If I bring up something he has done that has been hurtful to me he starts an argument and I’m to blame somehow, or he tells me he did mean to hurt me and that’s supposed to make everything alright because it wasn’t his intent. 

I feel like I get set up.  He’ll be very nice and offer help so when I tell him what I need help with somehow an argument is started by telling me how that doesn’t need to be done.  Or I’ll actually trust him to do something, and he’s “forgotten” so I have to try to scramble at the last minute to get it done.  I’d rather not even ask for the help or give him a task when he asks if there is anything he can do to help, it usually ends up back on my plate at the last minute and I’m even more frustrated.  He’s also pretty good about “helping” me with doing projects I can easily do but leave the projects I can’t do and he won’t do.

I stopped expecting him to make anything around the house a priority.  He claims he wants to do things but he couldn’t sleep the night before (sleep apnea, more like stayed on the computer all night), he doesn’t feel well (he is always sick on off days when there are no plans to go somewhere, or gets me to agree to do something outside of the house with him, and there’s always the “I forgot”.  Of course, I’m supposed to be so stupid to not realize what he is doing.  When I gave up expecting him to help around the house I was going to pay for help, but that can’t happen because he “wants” to do the stuff, “likes” to do the stuff, or insults his male pride.  But he won’t finish a project and I’m expected to live in a home and watch it crumble to the ground so as not to insult his pride.

We can’t even communicate effectively.  I have a degree in social work, I have been trained how to communicate with people.  He will argue, knowing I meant one thing, but because I picked the wrong word he focuses on that improperly used word to defend that he wasn’t doing that.  He also defends himself by saying he didn’t mean something or he didn’t say it that way.  For some reason, I’m also too stupid to pick up on tone or body language (they must not have taught me that one, like you even need a degree for that).  I have to constantly say, it wasn’t what you said it was how you said it.  His tone and body language is so hateful at times.  But again, I’m too stupid to know that as well.
I feel like my life is a roller coaster.  He is sweet and kind and then cold and hateful.  I think everything is going to get better and bam here’s the newest hurt.  I start to distance myself being prepared for the “typical” behavior and he’ll turn on the charm, I fall for it and then the rug gets pulled out from under me and I feel stupid for falling for it again.
I’ve done the research, read the books, even try to tell him about what I’ve read about (he only wants to hear it if it’s defending him).  I’ve gotten him into couples counseling, that helped only for a short time as it was around the time of his diagnosis when I had said “enough, get help”.
I do love him.  He isn’t all bad.  I am just tired.  Tired of being disappointed, criticized, argued with over everything, my opinions or thoughts aren’t as important as his.  How I feel isn’t as important as what he is thinking. 

I guess I just don’t know what to do.  Do I just hang in there and hope for the best?  Is there hope?  Is there help?  How can I get him to seek help?  Or am I just kidding myself that anything will be any different?  Should I cut my looses now and save myself?  Any advice?