Hi my names Ashley and I'm 26 me and my husband who is also 26  have a nine month old daughter.  He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger maybe 14ish. He says his school diagnosed him and that everyone there was diagnosed he takes no medicine.  We've been married for almost three years and we fight in cycles. We will be great for a feW months and then have a horrible fight.  I have no idea how to make things better for us and I'm tired of the emotional abuse.  Last we are in a current fight that happened last night.

Heres how it started;

Back history; My husband doesn't like my family.  Says there all pos.  

So last night we pulled into the driveway and I brought up my feeling of being upset with my family and wanted him to listen.  He then was looking at a comment my sister made on Facebook that had nothing to do with us.  I simply said lets not sit here and dog on my sister. Because i felt with everything that's gone on I didnt have the patience for it that night.  That comment was directed at both of us just saying I don't want to talk about it anymore really cause it hurts to think about it.  He then got pissed of at me and said I didnt dog her I said I know I'm just saying lets not dwell on it and get upset he then got more pissed and said well why would you say that if I havenet done anything so seeing his anger I then said look I didn't say you did I was just simply suing lets not talk about it anymore even though I mentioned it originally.  So I said can we please have a good night and not fight?  He said no so we went downstairs and when we got Down there he said how many times do I h e to ask that you not say something until I do it?  Which confused me because that's never been an issue and i said I didn't say you said it and he then screamed loud and said don't be a super fucking mega bitch at that point I started crying immediately and me and my nine month old went upstairs and stayed in the master.  A few minutes later he comes barreling through the door to try and rip my daughter out of my arms and I said no way I won't put up with that kind of cussing and anger and your not taking our daughter anywhere so I got up walked around the bed and sat back down I think it pissed him off more that I wasn't reacting to his actions so he ended up kicking our bedroom door twice and when he did  he kicked the door and went down the hall screaming your a fucking whore you fucking whore and so with that I said I was leaving and me and baby went to get in my car and he sat on the bumper and wouldnt let me leave he said he was looking  for sheriffs number and I said ok call them  My husband threatens me a lot and uses my fear against me. He's very emotionally abusive. Any thougs?  Or similar exp? I can't imagine this being the rest of my life being married to him so I really need advice because I do love him and wnt to work things out.  I've left it today  telling him I want an apology and will not tolerate it and he says he will just sleep in the couch so I feel like he will let it go to divorce before he bet apologizes?  Any advice. Thanks all

I'm writing here before I go to bed. I'm alone in my home with my two kids as five weeks ago my husband with ADHD, medicated with adderall extended release told me that he finally "understood" what I had been saying for years and that we are incompatible and fight too much. I HAVE said that I'm going to leave on innumerable occasions IF things did not change (I always found that I could get him to hyperfocus on saving our marriage/relationship if I got REALLY angry with him, which is to say *threatened* him with divorce). I have since realized very clearly that what I was trying to do was get him to do something about his ADHD AND tell me he loved me. After we got married and began to have children (we have two now, one is five months old), he receded so deeply into his head we rarely spent any time together, hardly slept in the same bed, hardly had sex, basically did nothing like what we did in the beginning of our relationship. It's amazing we even have children, to be honest! Don't get me wrong, we've been fighting from the beginning, he just always made promises about changed behavior (before we knew about ADHD and how significantly it can affect a relationship) and I would take him back because, boy, he sure knows how to woo a woman. That's how he got me in the beginning, even though there were many, many red flags, including the fact that he could barely stand to listen to me talk (without moving, yawning, glancing at other women/things, interrupting, it always looked like I was killing him by speaking) and this was before we'd had 6 1/2 years of resentment built up. And yes, along the way I have acted in ways that I am embarrassed about (yelling, criticizing, putting his stuff outside once early on b/c he would not leave when I asked him to (he's also a stubborn guy), throwing pillows and on, and on, and on). But as more responsibility landed on my shoulders over the years (he has a spending issue): care for the children (night and day), bills, budgeting, appointments (for everyone), all deep cleaning (he likes surface cleaning when he feels like it), folding laundry, maintenance of the house, maintenance of the cars, maintenance of friendships) I became more and more stressed to the point that in the last year as I was pregnant with our son and staying home to look after our 2 year old, as well as work part-time and go to school part-time, I honestly thought that I might die young from stress. Small example: I begged my husband not to smoke or drink alcohol the night before we had our life insurance appointment where they draw blood, but he still did. Our premium went from $20 a month to $80 month. This kind of thing happened all the time. He was on and off his medication all year (school year) and would get mad if I pointed out the positive effects of being on the medication (more focused and organized and attentive). He said the medication made him feel very cold (he also tried Vyvanse, which made him manic and very physically ill) and I suppose, considering he has asked for a divorce, it makes sense. After the baby was born in April, he receded even further from the family. It seemed like he didn't care for our son at all (he was very fussy and hard to care for) and he just spent most of his time with his band (he is an amazing musician, this is one of the places that his genius resides). I was angry a lot because of course my *load* had just increased and my husband seemed to be receding more instead of helping more. In any case, we took a trip to visit my extended family for the first time in our relationship and while we were there had a pretty tremendous fight and didn't connect much during the entire time. He returned four days early and when we got back, the next day he asked for the divorce. He seemed very unmoving. His parents came down, shocked by his sudden decision. I was shocked too. In some ways I thought maybe it was for the best, though wierd timing (he had just finished grad school and gotten his first job, so we were finally making head way. Note: I supported him in finishing his bachelor's degree at age 34 and getting the master's degree. He does great in his own life when he has support). I was just about to start a nursing program -- it was my "turn" so to speak. Anyway, he was unmoved by his parents and by me and by conversations with a friend who is a pastor. It just seemed so wierd. I noticed his ring was off and an alarm went off in my head. And then yes, I uncovered the fact that he had actually met a new woman (a younger woman, 24) out at a show on some evening and had fallen for her. He now claims that she has nothing to do with his decision, that he had been gone from our marriage for some time. He is in the midst of a whirlwind romance with this woman and has already committed himself to being her "partner" and helping her heal from the loss of her husband and unborn child three years ago. They are in love. I unfortunately have already run into them in our town (it is too small for divorce) and it was like a hard blow to the stomach. They looked like newly weds. It reminded me of when he and I were first dating. It hurt immensely. I thought I would throw up. I could not fathom how he could go from being part of our family three weeks earlier, to a new relationship with that much intensity. I wrote to this woman to ask her to give us a chance (I guess I thought maybe she didn't know that he had a wife and children). She wrote back a horrible note. Apparently, my husband has told her that I am emotionally abusive and that it was a terrible 6 1/2 years for him. I am devastated by this. It's like the last 6 1/2 years of my life where I have worked myself to the bone trying to hold everything together all because I believed my husband when he kept saying that things would get better when the current stressful thing was over (undergrad, grad school, new baby, etc.). It just never got better for us but we had many amazing times together and I have seen a wonderful person under all the distraction and chaos. I'm jealous because I know this woman is experiencing hyper-focus and I miss that so much. I don't miss the guy that hated listening to me, that I walked on egg shells around b/c who knew what mood he would be in, the guy who prioritized himself always, and who felt passively controlling of everything. I would beg for his help and in put with everything and he would never  find the time but then he would be angry at me for not including him or for the fact that there was no food in the house that he liked (help with the grocery list then!). I miss the fun guy, the friend, the one who was there with me during the labors of both of my kids, the energetic, political, venting, fast talking mocha drinker who has excellent taste in music and whose music I have always loved. I cannot believe that I have been cut out of his life, completely and utterly. He has not abandoned the children fully but he did give up on me. I can't believe how devastated I feel, especially to know that some other woman is out there getting his hyper-focus. I can't believe that after all this work to get him where he is, he is leaving me. And with the kids and no income! It just seems insane. I just really need some support and clarity. What is happening? Did the medication he is taking help him see more clearly so that he decided we truly aren't compatible? Has he really found his soul mate in this new woman 12 years his junior? Am I actually a terrible person for reacting with anger to all the years of stress and over-responsibility? And what a shock, I can't get him to help me sort out the divorce settlement outside of court. I keep asking and asking and asking for help but it's been days of no response. Any thoughts and feedback would be so appreciated. My friends and family can't understand how I still love this guy who has now added infidelity to his list of harms and his incredible coldness in the process has been so hard (though he has let me know three times that he still loves me and misses me, very difficult and confusing to hear). But everytime I read about ADHD, I know that is the center of our marriage. He, on the other hand, is tired of hearing about ADHD and he thinks that in the end, I don't like who he is and if ADHD is him, he is right.

So I had a bad day kindof  with dizzy spells and contractions, to the point I had to have hubby pick me up, couldn't even drive home safely.  Once home I quickly prepare some dinner and get my daughter ready for bed.  Meanwhile Tim says he needs to run out to a store real quick and he'll be home for dinner.  1 hour, 2 hours pass me and munchkin eat and are in bed.  He calls to say he's now over a friends house and will be home shortly.  I"m thinking whatever, coz I know the drill... giving times and intentions is pointless, he'll be home when he gets home.

So my pregnant butt is knocked out sleep by 9 when he finally comes home making all kinds of noise, turning lights on right above my head, and sin of sins... has people with him!!

they all come sit right where I am and he's oblivious to my anger so he's steady talking like we're just gonna party all night.  finally after everyone leaves he decides to tell me what happened.  lol  he spins this story of them wanting to see some house we're moving to and then wanting to se me so he was obligated to bring them to the house without talking to me first.  I'm just staring at him, so pissed I can't even speak... finally when he's done I ask how many glasses of whatever he's had. 

This dum dum says he had two shot glasses of champagne.  *straight face*  I said "liar, how many?"  he repeats himself... then I guess in his head he clarifies by saying "well a shot glass is like a full glass of wine" 

Okay I'm pissed but laughing inside at the insanity.  I'm crying a little at the sad fact that it's pointless to talk to him about this.  I'm frustrated that I have someone in my life that is content with irresponsibility, I can't say I'm itching to do irresponsible things but why does he get to be the one? What if I had a serious emergency with the pregnancy? He wouldn't have been able to help me with crap. 

I think I made a mistake when I said "I do"

im involved with a younger guy who is mellow, non hyper but also very ADD. he's told me he's add and it shows very clearly in his inabilty to read social cues, subtlies in verbal exchange or anything that isnt very clear, simple, black and white. he misinterprets information alot and he often doesnt provide the base information to me so i know whats going on in his heart or inside of him. he gets into work projects and will miss a date, not call, not even register that he had plans with me. he will make plans, then leave me in the middle of them becasue he committed to helping someone. he isnt able to register people in a tier of who is most important. he seems to treat everyone in an equal sense and doesnt seem to grasp the concept of how a partner is and ought to be first among your time and consideration. he will leave me to help antoher person who is clearly attempting to take advantage of him and who wouldnt do anything for him in return [like a person in his apt complex might ask him to move their huge, heavy tv by himself up a flight of steps. he will leave me to help them knowing they wont ever help him in return] he seems to not register these hiccups or how they would affect a partner. he doesnt however, have the anger or moodiness or outbursts that i have expereinced with another add partner. it is mostly social cues and misinterpretations and miscommunications, and then this appropiatness in terms of others that are his main hicups.

he has recently begun a new job that is labor intensive working at his apartment complex. at first, we didnt see one another for a week, then it went into two weeks and only one night together. we only live ten minutes away from one another. a third week went by and we were together intimately, and sort of bounced back. then he was away for a weekend with military training, then back a week--and didnt once attempt to make plans or see me. i tried to initiate but felt weaker and weaker when he would say he had to work or was too tired to get togehter. by the third week, i began to take things very personally. and i began to suspect there was another person he was involved with. every interaction was full of hurt for me--bc i am not add, i was looking to him to give more emotional love or sexy texting to keep us close in luei of not getting together with me. nada! just practicle work as usual and general day to day sharing. i was starving at this point. in the fourth week i made plans with him early in the afternoon for us to get together that eve and massage one another--one of our big connecting activites. he said yes, i knew once we were in the same place, we would melt back into one anther. that night, he helped another person in his apatment complex move a washer and dryer by himself and threw his back out. this wasnt a work related thing, just a favor for someone he doesnt even know but knocked on his door and asked for help. he canceled on me but not until 10:30pm when he said it hurt too much for him to drive. this meeting meant a lot to me and i got my place ready to reconnect with him. i was so mad! i felt sure he canceled on me bc of non interest. all these things reek of a guy not into you but who isn't willing to dismiss the relationship. again, another week goes by and he says he has to be out of town again that weekend for a military event. at this point, we have spent three nights together in 6 weeks and we have been intimate maybe 4 times. im dying here. in the start, we couldnt keep our hands off one another and our sexual chemistry is off the charts. i finally broke up with him a few nights ago. i couldnt get a clear answer as to why he hasnt been seeing me or inititing physical closeness or emotional bonding. he only would maintain that hes working alot, tired at night and isnt feeling like anything. he denied all times that he was invovled with or sleeping with someone. he just maintained that he is trying to catch up with some things in his life. but 6 weeks???? without spending nights together, without him showing interest in me sexually? romantically? i mean in a regualr repaltionship with someone who isnt add, these are clear actions that mark the end of a relationship and the end of the other persons sexual interest. when i broke up with him, he shook and cried, he seemed really boggled as to why i felt as i did. he said he couldnt understand why he did this. i spoke with him last night and again, he maintained that he has no involvement with another person and that he really enjoys the relationship with me. when i pointed out that he hasnt called me since aug 29, he asked what the date was today. i said sept 19 and he was shocked. he had no idea it was that late in sept--and he seemed completely disconnected from the fact that he hasnt called me in almost a month. i asked him what he would think if he was trying to get togehter with me and i wouldnt see him, and he said, well, id think you were prob just really busy, i'd understand. Ag, this is not how people in committed relationships are..part of me feels like this guy is pulling my leg. another part of me wonders if he is just very Add and these are somewhat understandbale traits in the normal spectrum of add'ers. i mean i love the guy and i have to figure out if i can deal with his behaviors. but what id really like to do is side step taking his actions personally and being emotinally upset with him for hurting me. i have been very hurt thinking that he has been keeping me involved with him all these weeks while not seing me and perhaps seeing someone else. he is a very sexual guy and i cant get my head wrapped around the guy i know who has sex with me all the time and this guy he is now, who isnt having any relationship with me but claims to not be with anyone else. i have been very convinced that he is lying about just being really busy and focused on work and being exhausted at night. it doenst make sense to me, when someone is important to me, i dont put everything else in front of them and only give them the crumbs. so i am reluctant to beleive his feelings for me are the same becasue i have seen how i come last time and time again.  

is the whole checking out on a relationship and the sexual emotional maintenence normal for add people? is it what they do when they truley get wrapped up in a work or life thing? do they come back or is it just a futile waiting game for a parter that never reengages the relationship? did he lose interest because of me or it is really just that he isnt able to focus on work and something like sustaining a relationship?   i ask my guy friends and they say no way in hell is a guy interested in you if he's going this long without initiating sex. but this site clearly shows that sex and sustained interest in a relationship has something to do with ADD. also, any advice on dating someone who is this add is welcome. thanks for listening.