How Can You Work Something out with someone if you try but they avoid you?

The Begriming: I was in a relationship with an ADHD man for 10 months. He is 15 years younger than me. He lived with me and I felt like the reason he didn't help out more was because he didn't love me.  He would only help when he saw me doing something. I felt like I became a nagger I never was. He wasn't paying rent because his job didn't pay much. He was affectionate loving sweet funny. I was happy like never before and in love the first time in my life. But I started to feel like I was Mothering him and to doubt and question if he loved me. His Grandmother would said he was a better person with me. There was a huge lack of communication he would just shut down and retreat in himself. We would text each other while we were in the same house!Over one weekend: one night I texted him (in the same house me upstairs him downstairs) I was driving in the car with him that and I felt like opening the door and going under the wheels of upcoming cars. I wanted a reaction show me you love me. It was wrong. He would not come up to talk to me. I did not consider his Grandfather killed himself or maybe I did. When hours later he came upstairs be laid in bed with me but removed his arm to check a text. I got up and told him obviously the text was more important. The next day I tried talking to him and started crying. He wouldn't even respond to me. I asked him how he felt that I was crying he shrugged and said he did not know. Later that night I gave him a choice either be a partner and be happy with me or go back with his grandmother. (He's family is toxic to him). He went to her. I was breaking up with him and he knew it but I wanted it to be his choice.  I still pursued him after this well because of all his I love yous and plans he made and ideas he had for the future together. I wanted him to see he we could have that. We got back together 15 days later but it didn't last a week. I thought things were good but he stopped communicating with me. He does not talk his feelings out with anyone the most has been with me. He doesn't even with his friends. He does get attached very easily and saw my friend and her daughters as family. Her lil girls would text him and bug him. it was a joke but when we got back together this time he started talking with them about how much he loved me and wanted it to work, I was his ying to his yang, but was worried he couldn't provide for me financially. Yet he wouldn't talk to me but say things like that to a 13 year old girl? Highly inappropriate. I tried to talk with him and he hung up on me.  I was at my wits end.

June 17, 2012 I checked his e-mail and found a lot of porn and pictures he received. And him asking people if they were "hosting" and while we were broke up he was responding to craigs list and sending pics of him and his daughter together that I took at my house. I felt betrayed. I brought his stuff over to his Grandmothers and confronted him. I told him the pics while innocent are sent to sleazy people and do affect his daughter. He made his excuses and horribly I took a swing at him. It was too much for me the texting my friend's daughter and porn both looked damning. The swing never connected and I left. I was horrible. Later July 4, 2012 I sent him all the e-mails I found and added my comments of what a liar and cheater he was. I was so angry and hurt.

August 11, 2012 I pursued him again, he came running back that very night. Said he never wanted to lose me again and would do ever thing he had to. That week we talked or I kinda grilled him. I found out he did webcam. I did see this as cheating and let him know. He said he knew I wouldn't like it and it was an adrenaline rush he got into from a previous bad relationship. He wouldn't do it anymore. We seemed to clear up a lot of through communication there were a whole lot of miscommunications. He said he would have never contacted me because he felt so ashamed. He realized now communication was the key. I said a lot of horrible things to him that week about how I felt betrayed and everyone thought he was horrible how if I would have found out I was pregnant I would have left the state. My friend with the daughter made it very clear over and over she thought he was trash. He heard her and I had to ask her to stop. It was like I felt he wasn't sorry enough or didn't see how much he hurt me. I even told him I couldn't't seem to help myself. We both said we would take it slow but weren't we were all over each other sexually. I think I felt insecure about the porn etc I know I did. It seemed like he was trying like he never tried before. He told me he looked at pictures of him and me and realized he was never happy before he met me. It reminded me of when I asked him how he felt about me he said it was like when his Grandfather would come home from work how excited he would feel. But he also told me during this week  he knew I was his peak and I was way up there and he was way down there. I never wanted him to feel that way. Then he didn't talk to me for almost 24 hours I felt like it was the same thing as last time. The same pattern and I zeroed in on that. He did say he had to work on some things with me but alone too. Which was a big thing I didn't realize until later.He did come over I said some regretful things told him it was the same behavior and pattern over again and how disappointed I was.  Maybe it was maybe it wasn't but I didn't wait and see.  (Note: I felt betrayed because for once I didn't doubt that he loved me and then WHAM but what if he was really trying and I said how disappointed I was in him? That's horrible.) We held each other for 10 minutes like fools on my porch saying goodbye for the night. I think I was telling him goodbye that night and he felt like I was. I did try reaching out to him and he would barely respond. Then he stopped for days.

August 27, 2012 Then he responded to one of my text with he needed to clear his mind, a thank you he knows what to do now because of me, that I don't have 10 years to wait for him to figure things out. I asked him to meet me so we could talk face to face. He said he couldn't he didn't like it and had to do it this way. He said he was trying to break up with me and save a friendship. He's never been friends with anyone after a break up. I asked why? He said it wasn't clicking like before something was missing. I said what about the week all those I love yous I don't want to lose you and all the plans he was making. He said it wasn't clicking then either. I basically said How can you be friends with someone you can't face and he was scared that any minute I would dump him again and he would lose me, that he became overwhelmed and couldn't handle it. He never responded. His family is very unhealthy and they always put him down. I realized I was being like them at times some things I said I was horrified at myself it wasn't like me. I tried asking after a couple days for a chance to talk and try mutual respect and understanding with me. It's funny my friends said he had a lot of damage and was never able to really show me anything and he had to earn back the trust with me. I did help him alot paid off a debt helped him with school his daughter he always said I was his motivation etc etc. but I have my damage too and was not always healthy with my reactions to him. React React.

September 2, 2012 I wrote a letter and put it in a box with 2 ADHD self help books (he was talking about counseling and still very confused about his ADHD) and I walked to his Grandmothers. I thought it was worth fighting for.  I thought either we would try and work it out or he could say he doesn't love me to my face and I could move on. I wanted to say I was sorry to him and to his Grandmother. He was there but wouldn't even answer the door. I texted him to open the door. as I was about to leave he texted why. Why would I just randomly come over he was about to leave. I said I wanted to tell him something and give him something. He just said what.He's avoiding. I told him there were a lot of perverts out there (he lives in a bad neighborhood) and I was not comfortable with all the attention, He never responded to that just avoiding.  I said this was childish he said hes avoiding and cant deal with it. I said hes scared he said bs hes avoiding and can't deal with it now.I said I wanted to tell him I'm sorry but he won't let me. He said for what you didn't do anything wrong. I texted of course I did. I texted him 2 or 3 times to tell me if he doesn't love me to be honest and I would leave him alone.He never said it. Just that hes avoiding. I texted you want me to leave you alone I will respect that and walk. (this is the last thing I ever said to him) He said all this could have been avoided if I would have texted him before I came over and thank you. I saw no point in saying well you've been avoiding and not answering my texts too. I saw him several days later when I was with my friend (the one that has the daughter) he was driving behind us and swerved to go in another direction to avoid going the same way as us . She said he almost clipped her back end. Again, friends say he acted like a coward again by running and I did everything I could, always tried working things out, and that he knows the balls in his court, I chased him enough and he simply doesn't care. That him not even bothering to open the door was treating me like crap and the ultimate disrespect. The letter I wrote and left on his porch was saying sorry but also how we push and pull one foot in and one foot out. How I always felt when he was physically with me he loved me and was happy. Yet when he wasn't it was like all the fear and doubt would come and he would convince himself he doesn't love me or care. That we were both hurt and afraid of losing each other so one leaves before the other one because it hurts less that way. Or does it? That we never fail in relationships if we learn from mistakes. They would be some but to learn from them with me. It takes time together. That it takes communication and commitment and that I was all in  and for him to give it a real chance with me and I love him. I double dared him. No response.Yet I love him and this is breaking my heart. Effecting my work, my sleep etc. I wanted closure when I went there either way. It takes 2 in a relationship and I did wrong too. I wanted to try differently but I need him was doing. My friends say he had a lot of ideas and I love yous but it was all talk no action.  We did fall into the parent_child dynamic me wanting to fix. That was bad for both of us. I realized how much I was equally to blame. We both are responsible for ourselves

I even mistexted him. I meant to text my brother and said how I was falling apart about my mom and her health and I so needed a hug. I got upset with my brother because he never responded. Turns out I sent it to him and he never responded. My brother said see he doesn't care and not to chase someone who doesnt want to get caught. Everyone tells me he treated me like crap that day he wouldn't open the door over and over that he disrespected me and I didn't deserve it.

I pursued him twice me who has never chased a man in her life. the pursue escape scenario... gotta love ADHD. lol I so wanted answers from him.

The things I know now.. knowledge is power I realized and learned so many things I let go of all the anger and blame and can genuinely try differently now. What was missing? I know it was trust and rebuilding trust. It's sad I know what I know now but it's probably too late and it doesn't seem likely he will stop avoiding me. I can't keep chasing and what if it just pushes him when he doesn't want to be pushed?

The only thing that gets me that has been been different from our pattern in the past is facebook. lol He would immediately change his facebook status to single. But he has left it to still in a relationship.But hasn't reached out to me. Yet I'm trying to find excuses to contact him. Have I no pride? I always asked him to show me and it seems obvious he is showing me he is done and doesn't care. I think maybe they are right I just need to let it go because if he loved me as much as I did him he would be reaching out because this would be hurting too much to be apart. Wouldn't he? Maybe to heck with facebook that I got my closure because it's been 2 weks and he never responded to the letter at all. Guys with ADHD your feedback would be appreciated too.

Hello all.  I have lurked here for weeks reading the various posts and this will be the first post from me personally.  I would like to say that the many stories I have read here have done much to help me gain a modicum of perspective and sanity which has been sorely needed on my part as of late.  As much as I would like my first post here to be one of happiness and hope, I'm afraid that this forum will instead serve as the medium for a public announcement of a sudden, almost spontaneous realization on my part several weeks ago that - in regards to remaining with my ADHD spouse -  I am simply (and slightly sadly) DONE.

I could ALMOST swear that I heard the clicking of the switch when it happened.  I was pulling into the driveway after work, all three kids in tow, when I saw the unmistakable sight of the brightly-colored "disconnect" notice taped to the garage door announcing that, 12 hours later, the utilities in my home would be disconnected due to nonpayment of services.  This was not even close to being the first time I had arrived home to such notification, and on this particular day (luckily home from work earlier than usual) I had FIFTEEN MINUTES to make things right - otherwise my kids would be preparing for their school day in the dark the very next morning.  Though still strapped into the driver's seat,I felt almost disassociated from my physical body as I heard the voice of my 8-year-old in the seat behind me exasperatedly say: "Oh no. Not AGAIN".

That was the EXACT moment that the future of my family changed direction.  I guess it could be called "the breaking point", and while there have been moments since then that I have tried to hope that things truly were NOT broken and that this too would pass, things are truly different now and there is no going back.

Almost 11 years married in 13 years together.  Three WONDERFUL, healthy kids. Added to that is a home with an upside down mortgage, two cars, two careers - plus a pile of debt and mountains of frustration complicated by TONS of insurmountable resentment (acquired rightly or wrongly) on BOTH sides of the marriage that have brought everything to it's present crossroads. It's a LONG story with MANY details - and in fairness there WERE some bright spots.  ESPECIALLY my three kids, who are my entire world.

I'm sure I will be utilizing the wisdom found on this forum to help me find my way in the immediate future.

Hindsight being 20/20 , I realize that, even during our early dating phase, there were "warning signs" attributable to my wife's since-diagnosed ADHD.  The thrill-seeking, the late-night, booze-fueled "girl's nights out" with co-workers.  The lack of dependability and follow-through on her part for even simple things. The inexplicable hyperfocus on ideas, schemes, and plans for the distant AND immediate future that would be all-consuming for a period of days and all-but-forgotten within a week. Manic spending followed by a manic making-of-returns to shops where items were bought. The near-constant scheduling and planning of party/event after party/event after party/event after party/event.  Related to this (I see now) was an inexplicable (at the time) presence of what I can only describe as an entitlement-fueled rage when her "thrill seeking" was denied, her plans questioned, her out-of-left-field ideas challenged, or her erratic and often unsafe behavior (drunk driving, blackouts, keeping of questionable company) pointed out or labeled unacceptable.  Part and parcel of this rage was being labeled as an "unsupportive" individual (my wife's version of the antichrist, apparently), and being castigated accordingly as the reason why her plans, ideas, and overall behaviors never reached any type of productive fruition. Defend myself?  That would be unsupportive of her "right to be heard".  Invoke my own "right to be heard"? - I'd better be just be quiet lest I be accused of "hijacking" a "conversation" about "her needs".  "MY needs"? Those can only be considered when SHE is content and supported.  Damn.  I realize as I type these words that I should have seen it coming all those years ago.

However (hindsight STILL being 20/20), I realize with a fair amount of clarity that I myself enabled this behavior on her end from early on and right up to the present.  I wanted to be a "nice guy", and the last thing a nice guy wants to be is "unsupportive".  I remember thinking "If I just ______ like she told me to, she'll be happy / stop bitching / etc.  If I just help her achieve _________ , she'll be content.  If I just give her _______ , she'll finally be satisfied."  Well, she never WAS "happy, content, or satisfied" - at least for more than a very short period in our years together - regardless of how "supportive" I tried to be.  I have "supported" her through three children - conceived on her terms and on her timeframe. NUMEROUS "girls trips", new cars, weekend adventures, trinkets, furniture, appliances.  Two and counting career changes and back-to-school trips while my own personal career advancement stagnates so that I can stay home and watch the kids while she gets additional education (and incurs MORE debt) to be SOMETHING ELSE when she "grows up".  Sometimes I feel like jimmy Stewart's character in "It's A Wonderful Life" - holding down the fort at the old Building And Loan while everyone else goes on to pursue their dreams!

And while she always seemed more than able to forget about mundane things such as paying bills, showing up on time, getting groceries, or remembering simple things, she seemed to maintain a PERFECT memory of EVERY incident in which she felt wronged or "unsupported" by me, and seemed incapable of letting ANYTHING be forgiven.  Each new argument or spat resulted in me not only having to make amends for my most current offenses, but for ALL prior offenses.  Physical intimacy was put on hold again and again and again as she held on to old, unsettled scores until she felt she could be "close" to me once more.  On the flip side, I found her lack of tact and understanding of basic social cues and etiquette to be baffling. Simply NO filter there AT ALL.   If "offended", she seemed to feel entitled to WHATEVER response, the feelings of others be damned.  Yet, if SHE were the one at fault, the issue HAD to be approached in a "supportive" manner delivered on a silver platter and guilded by sunshine and rainbows.  MY needs, concerns, feelings, and happiness could ONLY be discussed when HER concerns, feelings, and happiness were where she needed them to be.  I began to withdraw from her simply to avoid hassle, criticism, and argument.  I would be dishonest about money I spent on my OWN hobbies and interests for the same reason, even as we struggled with the expenses of three young kids - again just to avoid hassle.  Because I was dishonest (and I WAS dishonest), SHE insisted on TOTAL control of my direct deposit (my paycheck must be deposited directly into our joint account with the amount of deposit verified by my employer's HR department for the purpose of "building trust") as well as her insisting on managing and paying ALL of the bills . And she has had a really hard time remembering to do that.  ESPECIALLY when she is hyperfocused on something else, which is most of the time.  We have "late" notices from somewhere every month.

I look back and see the pattern so clearly from my present position: A never ending series of hyperfocused schemes, ideas, wants, and needs on HER part, exacerbated by MY enabling attempts to be "supportive" (and thereby avoid hassle or criticism) on MY part.  A pattern of hyperfocus on new pets, new vehicles, exciting trips and fun adventures, parties and get-togethers with her friends, better houses, better jobs, new careers, more school, more kids, all of the things she "imagined" her life to be when she was a child,  etc. - ALL forgotten or abandoned at some point in favor of something newer, better, or more exciting, with me being labeled "unsupportive" and faced with her "rage of entitlement" if I was not in agreement with her pursuits.

It was, and still is, maddening. Soul-crushing.  Crazy Making.

We HAVE done marriage counseling.  It worked in that we have developed a "code word" for my wife to STOP physically following me (as far as into the yard) as I try to disengage from arguments when I really CANNOT hear what she is saying.  It worked as well in that it gave me enough insight into myself that I can view my own behavior much more mindfully, reflectively, and objectively.  It was less than successful in that I think my wife took from it that the "issues" are mine, since I was the one who did most of the talking during the sessions.

And as I type these words - while my children sleep upstairs and my wife is out at the bars "taking a break" from the classwork associated with her MOST RECENT career change - I realize that the sad numbness I feel inside because of the present situation at this point is rivaled only by a perfect feeling of loneliness in relation to the future.  But mixed with that is a feeling of mild relief.  And maybe even a bit of optimism.

It's going to be a long road, but I think it is the ONLY road.  After a deep breath, I have taken my first steps.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

I will never leave my wife. I will never give up. That is just the way I am made. I sometimes wish I wasn't though. Life with an ADHD wife (for over 15 years) has been very difficult although I love her deeply. Emotional explosions over the smallest things, her hyper focusing on the things that are wrong and not the positives, and the verbal tongue lashings she dishes out push me to the edge on a regular basis. We had a great friendship and intimate life until we had children. The stresses of two young children (one of which is ADHD) and a full time job for both of us has taken it's toll and our marriage is basically sexless now by definition. I suppose this is not limited to those in ADHD relationships. We have tried to work through this many times now with counseling and a thousand "talks". The finger always pointed back at me, she simply would never accept any responsibility. So I tried to change, become more romantic and attend to the things she found most important. Regardless of the changes made I have been told that it does not feel like we are connecting. It is very frustrating because I feel like I am doing whatever is asked, the bar just keeps getting moved. She has continually changed what she says the problem is until she finds something I cannot change. Then I find I am stuck. Recently my wife was diagnosed with ADHD after a lifetime of suffering from depression. In some ways it has been very liberating.  She now seems more willing to look at how she feels towards me in a different light. I am hopeful for the future. I am hoping that others might be able to share positive experiences, how things have become better in this area. My primary love language is touch so this would be extremely helpful if someone has experienced a rebirth for their marriage, helpful tips would be great.

"""because I love him I am going to try and work things out,because he is only good a few days in a month I would stay with him,because he takes me out I would stay with him,because he helps me financially twice a year,because because because."""

these were my excuses!! those were my words, to my Mother,friends and family.I read a lot of post here and one in particular says that "we are in control of our OWN HAPPINESS" that is sooo true! we are.

for the past year and a half it's been only chaos and misery with my husband,he has lied cheated and disrespected me to the maximum.I would put up with all the chaos and did not nothing about it.He would take full advantage of me in every way he could.If he did ANYTHING for me he would reproach me all the time.He would always tell me that he is going to fine someone else who could live with him.I pose that to be a serious threat.He has threaten me with this ALL the time,almost every time we have an argument,which is almost every weekend.Our relationship is never stable for a proper fortnight or month.I am tired now.I have post up so many instances that took place with him during the time we were together,I have come to a conclusion that I love him but I love me more.

Yes,I love him but I love me much more.

I have been a great mother since my kids were born,but I was distracted and it caused me to pose some neglects on there behalf,I feel so embarrass to say that I have not been spending the quality time with my kids the way I should have.My husband is a very selfish man,he wants me all to himself and I cannot do the things he is asking me to do.I want to have my husband and also my kids.not my husband and no kids,but I can settle for my kids and no husband any day.there are plenty men out there,but only two kids I have.If he was a normal thinking man he would understand me when I say I am never going to leave my kids to be with only him.He met me with them and found no problem at first,at 50 I would think that he is mature and understanding enough also because he has 2 of his own.But then when I think back,he left his kids 3 years ago and never saw them since.so that alone explains his selfishness.

Most people knows already who read my post the reason we don't live together but I will state very briefly why again for those who are reading my blog for the first time.

I run my business from home,he can't provide  a big enough place for me and both of my kids,I am the owner of a small sweet 3 bedroom home.He rents and I don't want to go renting,that would be a waste of money since I have my own home.He use to live here for 6 months at first but insist he should find his own place to feel like a man.whatever he may be talking about since he is acting like a child all the time.

well,I told him this morning that I am going to give him the time to find someone who can live with him and make him happy,he got soo mad he started shouting in front of my business place and then the food I gave him to eat out of my cafe he threw it on me and mess up all my clothes in front of my customers,I called the police and file a report because he was also threatening to burn my car down.This is how I know it's finally over for sure.I am never going back...

lovehurts.