I joined last night and have been reading soooo many posts and blogs.  I see clear areas where I can improve in relating to my husband, like validating him and staying calm and being understanding.  The problem I'm having is that I have so much residual anger and impatience and frustration with his behavior that I am finding it an uphill battle to reign in the irritated speech and overall disgust that I feel is spilling out from the moment he walks into the room. 

I am 8 months pregnant and this week in particular Im feeling a difference in how I relate to him.  I get pissed! Really fast!  I had about 5 or 6 opportunities to put the "validation" concept into practice and I've missed each and every one of them and I feel crappy about it because immediately afterwards I realize about 10 different ways I could have handled or responded better.  for example he has a habit of lying, over tiny things as well as the big stuff, this has been going on since the beginning and I have huge trust issues because of that.  Well I am pretty sure he lied about something recently and I let him know that I thought he was lying, but that I am coming to terms with the fact that it's just who he is and I can't change that.  So today he decides to tell a whole story that is meant to defend and prove he's telling the truth.  And I don't really care to hear it because I've already decided that I won't stress it, while I technically could investigate I have decided to leave it be.  Well he is saying that now that he's told me his story I need to apologize for accusing him of lying.  I refuse to do that, and my anger meter jacked up immediately at him thinking just because he told a story that I didn't challenge that 1. I believe him, and 2. even if he told the truth, that all the other lies (just 4 days ago was the last) are swept under the rug and have no impact on my lack of trust.   And I told him as much.  He made this bed of distrust and if lying in it means I question things he tells me then so be it.  And I don't feel I should apologize for that. 

I probably should have validated his feelings, but my frustration is that I too have ADD and on top of this I'm dealing with hormones... and yet I am not striking out at everyone (without just cause) I'm not forgetting conversations and promises made, I don't treat my daughter inappropriately and use my condition as a crutch.  I feel like I have just as much going on but he's the one who gets to emotionally act like a child.  He wants more communication, but promptly forgets what is expressed.  He reargues past arguments that have been dealt with.  He drinks to "make himself feel better".  which is a cop-out to me but he claims to now have given it up (he's said this before and it hasn't been true) He sees the destructive behavior his drinking or overall lack of self control causes and afterwards is very contrite and apologetic, but then when it's convenient he falls right back into the pattern.  He wants me to tell him every little thing and almost seems to ask permission to do things, from buying some little trinket at the store to going to the bathroom or whatever, but aside from my constant comment of "Im not your mom, do you" I still feel irritation that he can't make a common sense decision on his own.  Like listen you JUST saw what we have in the bank account, you JUST had the bills conversation, WHHHYYY are you asking me if you can buy this or that? and when I want to hand a bit of manhood back to you and let you make your own decision WHY are you about to do something that is going to have us even more financially strapped? 

I don't like to nag.  Seriously I'd much rather be left alone with my thoughts but he proves with every release of control to him that he can't handle it!  I have a problem accepting that he is incapable of using common sense or making adult decisions.   To keep the machine running I go ahead and handle things like banking or whatever else I can but then he feels his manhood is challenged and all of a sudden he lashes out at me for handling things and maybe not sharing every thought or moment with him.  He blows it up to "We NEVER talk"  which is a gross exaggeration and pisses me off so bad because we do talk, he just doesn't remember and I don't like repeating myself.  As a matter of fact if it's something that he can research or find out for himself I refuse to repeat it.  If he really wants to know he's going to have to figure it out, and maybe he'll retain it better.  But still there is this parent/child dynamic in our relationship that I hugely resent and I read somewhere on here that it can affect sex, and it really has.  I am at the point now that I am disgusted with everything about him from the moment he walks in the door and I worry that this overreaction is due to heightened hormones but that there is a real problem here that after the baby I will have to deal with.  To be fair, he is the only one working, he's a hard worker that gets up in the wee hours of the morning and does what needs to be done, even starting his own carpet cleaning biz and sometimes leaving work and going straight to a carpet job.  I notice this and want to commend him on his hard work but before I get to doing that he kills it by whining and complaining and that turns me off so badly.  I usually respond with some negative response. "man up" "stop complaining" something like that.  but let me clarify, it's the constant repetition of the complaint that gets under my skin, not the initial expression.  

When he goes off the deep end with his rages, I perceive the underlying truths of how he really feels mixed in with the ridiculous things he says and while I read we should validate each other, I get so angry because so much of what upsets him is due to him not remembering past conversations where we dealt with whatever problem.  or He'll say stupid stuff that is only said while he rages but in a calmer conversation he asserts that it's not how he feels at all.  like he tells me to get my butt up and go to work and he isn't going back and oh I don't know just a lot of contradictory statements, then later I hear no, I don't want you to work and just in general a complete reversal of everything he raged about.  He'll complain because I didn't cook him dinner but I heated up some hot dogs for my daughter, not caring that I struggled to do that little task, he'll exaggerate and say I never clean and never cook and he eats left overs all the time.  He gets pissed because I laugh a little ( how are you eating leftovers if I haven't cooked?!) Then later when he's calmer and we're talking, he's acknowledging the fact that this has been a rough pregnancy and I can't move around like I would like sometimes.  Then a day or two later, he's raging about the same thing.   This is coming from his heart I feel, thats why it keeps coming up no matter how much we talk afterwards.  I feel emotionally abused with these rollercoaster of emotions and now, I get pretty acidic and a little unforgiving.  I am normally a very forgiving and chill out person, so I don't know if its the pregnancy affecting me or the constant association with a personality that I would normally have nothing to deal with.  I did not see this side of him before I married him.  If I had I wouldn't have done it.

I could be nicer, but he pisses me off to the point that being nice right now means silence.  If I am forced to speak to him all my anger pours out.  I hate this about myself and really want to relate differently, but for so long I have just chalked the situation up to "I've married an idiot." Im sure the mental capacity is there but his daily habits are so repetitive dumb and thoughtless.

I'm feeling so incapable of coping with this.

I posted earlier today describing my husband (http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/i-hope-hell-agree-take-meds)

I gave him a printout of this page here, (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm) which enumerates some adult ADHD symptoms, and asked what he thought of it.   He says, yeah, maybe he is a little ADD but most of that is just normal stuff everyone has.  Anyway it was about a 20 minute conversation (not an argument) which mostly consisted of him using his usual defense saying he has too much to do and that "when things settle down" it will be better.  I pointed out that I had never seen things settle down for him enough in 16 years, and asked him nicely when he expected that to happen. He changed the subject.   Anyway to make a long story short, I got him to grudgingly agree that he would ask a professional about it but he still insists that whatever "touch" of ADD he has is not a problem. 

Frankly, after reading many of the posts on this forum, I think someone must have a secret hidden camera in our house and is telling all those ADD stories about him!  And it seems that every single thing that I dislike about our relationship is an ADD thing. ( THat seems like a dangerous over-generalization, but if it isn't true, I swear it is close.)   I just want the crazy train to stop. 
I think it is going to be a real uphill fight to get him to deal with this.    I'm sad because I thought he'd be more open to it.  

Well.. I've been with this guy for 16 years, married for 15 (our anniversary was last week-- he forgot, just like he forgot my last birthday).

He is a very sweet, generous, open person but he drives me nuts.  I am tired of having to manage everything and it feels like he is an obstacle I have to climb over just to proceed with life.  He's kept a good job for many years, which is great but its hard to see how he functions at work considering how he is at home.

He has mentioned before, " I probably have a touch of ADD".  Now that I have recently read more about it, I think it's a whole truckload - not a "touch"- of ADD.

Tell me if you agree with that statement, please-- here are some examples of his behavior:

1) Communication examples--

-He has difficulty giving direct answers.  I ask him something, and he tells me what he thinks I want to know, rather than actually answering the question I actually asked.  This happens even with simple things-- even yes and no questions.  And he keeps doing this even when I say "please just give me a straight answer.  Its like he can't. 

-He doesn't listen unless I get right in his face and say "I need to tell you something".  Even then he doesn't remember half the time.

Lack of communication means, for one thing, that it is very difficult to make any mutual decision on anything because he never wants to discuss it "now".  Its always "Later".  So I end up making a lot of unilateral plans and decisions, then he ends up feeling left out.   This also means that I manage all the bills and finances and make the spending decisions-- because he just won't. 

2) Organization examples-

I've decluttered my own stuff down to the bone just to make room for his. 

He piles boxes of papers to be organized everywhere.  When I get sick of looking at them I put them in his "office" and close the door so he can look at them.  His office looks like a scene from "Hoarders". 

He thinks "cleaning up" means taking things off counters and floors and putting them in a neat arrangement on shelves.  This results in things randomly placed in the most bizarre places and then being lost.  (Why is the tax form stuck in between the cookbooks???)  I asked him once if he knew how to organize-- because I actually like to do it and am happy to help-- and he said, in a proud tone, "Yes. It means putting things into categories."  It was the sort of answer given in the sort of tone a child might use when asked a vocabulary question.  

I try and try to make places for him to put things but he will not use them.  I have boxes and bins all over the house with labels on them.  Him "Where's the tape?" Me: "Try the drawer labeled "tape".  (After he's used the tape it will likely end up  in a box somewhere on the living room floor.)

The problem here for me is I can't find what I need among the mess, so I waste time looking for things and money replacing things I can't find.

3) Prioritization/Multitasking examples

He cannot handle more than one focus at a time, at all, and he procrastinates like a champ.  His reason for why so many things remain undone for so long  is that "Oh, but YOU KNOW we had this, and this, and that to deal with and there's been no time!!"   And none of the examples he uses as "Giant Projects"  should be all-consuming for months at a time.  But to him they are. Some things get delayed for years. Like the boat that's been rotting (literally) in our yard for 11 years because he can't decide whether to fix it, have it fixed by a pro, or sell it.   I don't care what he does-- just do SOMETHING (or allow me to do it for him) so there is no rotting boat in our yard. 

We are planning an overseas trip this winter.  Will he get his passport renewed in time?  I filled out the form for him but he has to go down and present it himself.  I will believe it when I see it.  Maybe it will just be me and the kid going.  *Shrug* and *sigh*.    We do a lot of Mom and son things together because dad can't get it together.  He won't give me an answer when I try to plan things to do, then he looks like a sad puppy when we end up going alone. 

     Some of these things he procrastinates on,  I could deal with if he'd let me, but he won't.  So often I have to give deadlines and ultimatums.  I do not like being the bad guy. 

4) Drinking

He drinks about 15 beers every Saturday, out in the yard, with multiple radios placed all over the yard and in the utility room of the house blaring NPR (yes, ironically it is NPR talk radio and not heavy metal) from 10 to midnight.   When he drinks, he is even more off on his own planet-- the result being that the normally difficult communication becomes totally impossible.   He does not drink during the week. He considers drinking to be pointless unless he can get good and drunk.  ( I should also mention he NEVER drinks and drives, on the good side.)

5) Talking-- a lot.  Got to be saying something, all the time.  He can be very funny and interesting but a lot of what he says is pointless filler, randomness, and lame jokes- anything to prevent silence.   It wears me out.

OK, well that was long.   Is this serious ADD, or what??   I am SO hoping he will go see a Dr. and hopefully get meds and counseling.  I think he will think it is a good idea, but the obstacle will be his procrastination.  He is too big for me to drag in bodily  (ha ha) so somehow I will probably have to give him some kind of nasty ultimatum. Which I don't like doing.

Thank you for lending me your ear, or eyes, in this case.

I have just found this blog today and have been reading it off and on all day.  I can relate to most of what everyone says but I think my situation might be slightly different.  I am hoping someone out there can help me understand if our problems are a result of my husband's untreated ADHD or is it just me?  Am I that terrible of a wife?  My husband and I have only been married for just over a year and a half.  We have literally had problems since the day we got married.  For the year and a half we dated, everything (most everything) was wonderful.    I have been married once before and my husband has been married twice before.  It feels like we were destined to doom before we started.

I think my husband's symptoms of ADHD are slightly different than some of the posts I've read so I'm not sure if the ADHD is causing the issues in our marriage or if it just me. In talking to my husband's mom, she confirmed that he had been diagnosed with ADHD as a child and that his adolescence was a very trying time for her.  He is also OCD.  So, everything has to be just perfect. Spices have to be arranged a certain way.  Things can only be stacked in even numbers, laundry folded a certain way, etc.  My husband joined the military at age 27 and excelled at the active duty military life.  He won multiple awards, was promoted quickly, etc. He doesn't forget to pay bills or pick things up.  However, he forgets conversations we have, he follows me around the house asking me the same questions over and over as if the answer I am giving him isn't the answer he wants so he keeps asking until I am worn down and change my answer to satisfy him.   When we talk on the phone he answers everything I say with "ok, that's good".  Even when I test him and tell him the cat has died - I know he's not paying any attention to what I am saying. If he calls me and I don't pick up, he will call back 5 to 12 times in a row.  He will yell at me and say "my wife" should talk to me when I call.  He'll say, "you're the only person I know that won't tell the person you're talking to on the phone to hold on so I can click over and talk to him".  When he goes to play tennis at night and comes home, if I'm on the phone with my mom or friend, he'll tell me I should talk on the phone when he's not there so when he gets home we can spend time together. But then he'll say he will never want to spend time with me in the house just hanging out or watching a movie because he is a social person and people like him.  He prefers to stay up all night drinking and sleep for only 3 to 4 hours maximum. He just got out of the military in December of 2011.  He got a job in sales January/Feb of 2012 and was fired in July for failing an alcohol breathalyzer test at 8 am in the morning.  He has outbursts of rage telling me I have no friends and am not social enough.  It's not enough that I go to parties with him or go to watch him play tennis or play volleyball  but he blows up at me when I'm ready to leave since we are the last ones left at the party or event.  He hounds me over the smallest things.    I run a tight budget in our household because money doesn't grow on trees.  We each get $200 a month to spend on ourselves on whatever we want.  I usually get my nails done, or buy my makeup, hair colored, etc.  It varies from month to month and when my $200 is gone, I don't buy myself anything else until the next month.  however, he always goes over by several hundred dollars and says he deserves more money and that it's not fair that he doesn't get more. He'll go to the bar with his tennis buddies after tennis practice for a few beers and then come home at 4 AM.  He plays the "what if" game and then relentlessly rides my ass when i don't play along.  For example he'll say, what if in 5 years, I get a good job in South Carolina, and you have a good job here where we live now, can we move?  Even though I told him when we were dating that I wouldn't move away from where I was now because my children's father lived here, and I wouldn't move and rip my children out of their dad's life.  I told him, if he wanted to be with me he needed to consider what that meant - being a step dad, living where we were, my extremely busy schedule being a parent and full time job, etc.  I cautioned him again when he proposed.  he said he understood.   Ever since we got married, he hounds me ever day about moving. He is constantly wanting me to look at condos at the beach to buy even though we don't have ANY money to do this and then gets in a rage when I'm not super excited to look at houses we aren't going to buy at the beach.

He just got a new job in South Carolina two weeks ago and calls me today to say he isn't ever coming back and doesn't want to be married to me anymore.  I called his mom and brother and they both basically said, "we really hoped it would work this time".  His mom says every failed relationship he has ever had as been because of his ADHD and his issues.  Now, I'm not saying I don't get angry and lash back out with all of the non-stop calls when i don't answer the firs time. I have been very retaliatory and i take ownership for that.  Is it just me?