Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Breaking Mindless Habit Which Upsets Husband by: ADHDMomof2 12 years 2 months ago

    Hi all,

    I have to post quickly and then do my nightly routine of lunches, clutter fun, and school work.

    This is going to sound ridiculous:  I am a lifelong stomper.  By this, I mean that in spite of the fact I am a normal-sized person, I have been known to "walk like a herd of elephants," to quote my mom when I was a teenager.  I don't mean I am having an adult tantrum.  I mean that for whatever reason the way my foot strikes the ground is loud; it's my gait (no, I am not like Quasimodo).

    So...when I am in a hurry, my gait is more pronounced.  When I am running around doing lunches, when I have a lot to do during the school year and I am trying to get it done, I get (you might be shocked here, folks)...distracted.  The second I lose self-awareness, I start the stomping.  I also slam cabinets, apparently.  My husband told me today that in spite of the fact he has not yelled (he hasn't; ACTUAL shocker), I have not "changed the behavior." EDIT:  HE ONLY MENTIONS THIS BECAUSE HE IS TRYING TO SLEEP.

    He is right.  I just don't know what to do!  Maybe write signs to myself that I hang in the kitchen?  What if I forget?  Maybe wear my slippers so my gait is softer?  He doesn't want me putting any in the cabinet that involves screws (I already tried that thick felt-type material that you stick under chair legs to prevent floor scratches.  The cabinets still bounce 3 times when shut quickly.

    He thinks I don't care enough to change.  NOT TRUE!!! I am trying to correct it, but I need a better strategy!  I can't override my stupid working memory with willpower.  Were that the case, this would NEVER have been a problem to begin with! 

    Suggestions?

    Thanks:)!

    ADHDMomof2

    PS I also don't want to inadvertently "train him" that he NEEDS to yell at me...more.  He's trying to do it my way, and I want to be able to respect his needs, but my memory doesn't give a rat's ass!

  • Boundaries, fidelity and zero filter by: SamStel9 12 years 2 months ago

     

    I come to this site in my effort to make sense of things with my fiance who has been diagnosed with ADD. My fiance has said over and over again he has no filter at times and it does get him in hot water at times. Here goes, I finally got to introduce him to one of my sisters a few weeks ago. Following the evening we spent with my sister and her husband my fiance blurts out a few days later, "Your sister is the bomb (he's 47 by the way), she's awesome I am going to fawn all over her when we are around her".  I had to pinch myself to confirm what I had heard out of his mouth and immediately replied " umm..she's got a husband already, be mindful of that, have some respect." Inside though I was crushed ( I was thinking wth? aren't you supposed to be fawning all over your fiance??).  I then replied that his comment bothered me. Immediately he jumped into defensive mode and tried to correct his careless commentary by stating he liked my family that was all he was trying to say and he didn't want to "go there" with me about this exchange we were having.  Then he turns around and says "don't I pay you enough attention?"  I laughed inside (because of the whole out of sight out of mind phenomena I experience with him on a regular basis, which we have talked about before). We had a few more words where I basically said if he had a thing for my older sister he should be man enough to say it ( I felt awful for stooping to his level but I was beyond upset). Then of course he throws back at me (twisting my words) how can I accuse him of fantasizing about my sister when he and I have been intimate?, not at all what I was saying and of course reflecting back, I  wondered if carelessly  he let the cat out of the bag again. So now I feel like I am in a weird spot over this with him and its bothering me to no end. Is this yet another red flag with him?  How on earth can I be around my family with him around and not feel awkward?

     

    He went out of town after this and when he came back he brought me a necklace and did apologize but apart  of me is having a difficult time letting this exchange go,.

    I have been on the fence about the relationship for awhile now, I am tired of never being able to resolve any issue that may come up, its like everything has to be swept under the carpet otherwise he feels like he is being criticized and goes on the defense and then turns around and lashes out in a very hurtful way.

     

     

  • Blame and False accusations by: dragonfly2 12 years 2 months ago

    Hi Everyone

    I am new to this site and this is my first participation.  I want to start by saying a huge big thank you.  After reading some of your stories I feel less alone and more sane!!!!  I am sure that most of you have felt, like me, that you are loosing your mind and that there must be something terribly wrong with you.  My adhd man can be so convincing and manipulative at times that in the 11 yrs we have been together i have questioned myself and my own values and sanity.

     

    He has just started some new meds after seeing a new psychiatrist.  One that he says he likes (for now).  So i am hoping that this time he will stick with it for more than the normal  3 weeks.  There seems to still be confusion whether he is bipolar or adhd.  Research i have done shows very similar characteristics in both?? 

    Many of the symptoms i am able to live with and work around.  The main areas of difficulty for me are the unreasonable rage/anger outbursts.  Even those in themselves i can at times try and deal with.  What i cant seem to get my head around and cope with is the blame and accusations and the silent treatment that follows.

     

    In my experience, there has never been an anger/rage outburst where he has taken responsibility for himself.  It has always been my fault because he says i provoke him with my words, tone of voice and actions.  For years i have been overly aware of what, how and where i say things, so as not to provoke and anger outburst which always involves blame, accusations and is then followed by days sometimes weeks of silent treatment.  I am able to let a lot of things go but blame sends me insane.  If i try and explain or reason with him he just gets worse.  I am clearly doing something wrong but dont know what to do anymore.  Can anyone help or give me advice on how to handle this that will primarily help me cope with it better?

     

     

  • Going to rewrite by: Justwannagiveup 12 years 2 months ago
    Going to edit and rewrite
  • A Good Talk... by: Pbartender 12 years 2 months ago

    So, I've just been doing my thing lately...  A lot of the nice, simple, thoughtful sort of stuff we've been talking about in other threads, that you non-ADHDers keep asking for.  I've been trying to focus less on making her happy, and more on doing them simply because they're good things to do and I can do them.

    Anyway, in a lot of my recent posts I've complained about my wife's resistance.  She hasn't bothered to learn anything about ADHD, she doesn't want to talk about it at all, she withdraws, she picks fight over insignificant things, and so on.  But...

    I think I may be seeing her starting to come around just a little bit.

    Last Friday, the kids and I were talking about how we all had Monday off for Labor Day.  My daughter suggested that could we all go visit the zoo together on Monday.  She said it would be nice for the four (me, my wife and the two kids) of us to do something all together, because we haven't for a long time (not since DW moved into the spare bedroom).  Later, I relayed the idea to DW, but she said that a friend of hers from work had invited her (and the kids) to go to the Renaissance Faire (without me).  The kids could go with me to the zoo, or with her to the Ren Faire, I should let her know what I'd prefer.  She had completely missed my point...  that DD wanted to do something together as a family.

    Right about then, it dawned on me...  In her way, DD had noticed that DW was excluding me from family outings that she planned and avoiding me in general.

    Also, the previous night, DW had told me a story about how a co-worker was having trouble with one of the bosses...  The co-worker had a problem that she tried to talk to the boss about, but during the conversation they were both talking past each other and nothing was resolved (though the boss thought it was).  The co-worker ended up feeling like she wasn't being heard, and that there was no use trying to talk to the boss anymore.  DW acted as a mediator between the two, and helped them sort it out.

    It irked me a little that she could deal so well with that sort of situation at work, but at home the same situation would often have her shouting and yelling.

    So, I took a chance...

    I waited until we had a little privacy to chat, and let her know that I was feeling like the co-worker from her story...  that we were talking past each other, and I wasn't getting heard.  I calmly and respectfully explained about DD's suggestion for the zoo, and that DD's beginning to notice how she's been acting.  I explained that it felt like she was excluding and avoiding me.  I asked if she was doing it on purpose, and if so why? She told me that yeah, she had been, kind of, because:

    1. When she moved to the spare room for space, we'd agreed that we'd both try to spend more time having fun independent of each other.
    2. She sometimes wants to just hang out at home as a family, but everyone's already scattered to the four winds doing their own thing.
    3. In the past, whenever she brought me along to hang out with her friends, I never looked like I was having fun and always ended up acting like kind of a jerk. (Sound familiar? Ha! ;) )

    So, I explained:

    1. We did agree to that and both of us are...  But we also agreed to make sure we were still spending time with each other to rebuild our friendship, and also time all together as a family.
    2. She's been as guilty of that as the rest of us... playing video games or watching TV or reading a book alone by herself all night.  She'd could speak up about it! We can always break it up the solitary entertainments and pull everyone together for joint entertainment, if she lets the rest of know she's interested.
    3. I agreed that sometimes it might have looked that way, and (without mentioning ADHD directly) briefly described and explained some of the difficulties I've had with social situations, especially those that include crowds or boisterous environments...  how hard it is to keep up with conversations, how easy it is to say the wrong things at the wrong times, how mentally exhausting it can be to deal with the continuous distractions.  I explained that I'm not trying to be a jerk and that I'm not bored and that I do have fun, but I just occasionally need to step aside to take a break from the action.  I let her know that it was an area that I knew I wasn't terribly good at and needed to improve upon, but also reminded her that she hasn't given me much of a chance to not be a jerk around her friends since she moved to the spare room.

    She listened and seemed to accept all that, and said that it was "something we can work toward moving forward."

    That sounded fine to me.  I concluded by telling her that I think that I'm doing better...   but that I also appreciate her opinions on what I'm doing right and what I could improve on, because I don't always see it quite the same from my point of view.  I told her that I've been feeling better about myself, that I'm happier with myself, and I want to be able to share that with her.

    I've had two or three texting conversations with her about something that was bothering one or the other of us, and they seemed to run along similar lines of respectful communication and understanding.  This was the first time (in a long time) that it happened in a face-to-face conversation. 

    • Neither of us got defensive.
    • Neither of us accused or blamed or nagged the other about anything.
    • Neither of us shouted or yelled.
    • Neither of us cried.
    • Neither of us walked out in frustration.
    • There was no disrespect or disdain.
    • There was no huffing or sighing or head-shaking or eye-rolling or otherwise melodramatic gesticulations.
    • We were both genuinely listening to what the other had to say.
    • In the end, we met in the middle and we were both good with it.

    It went pretty well, I think...  I hope it continues.

     

    Pb.

  • Physical ramifications of living with ADHD spouse by: Stop Start Rewind 12 years 2 months ago

    I have been married for 28 years and only after seeing the Today Show piece on having a spouse with ADHD did it click with what was going on in my marriage. My husband is kind and well-loved by everyone but me. Living with him and managing him, his mouth, his inability to be on time, manage our finances, have anything but a parallel conversation, and generally fulfill his role as a partner has, in my opinion, ruined my health. The stress level of not being able to count on him, run interference for him and clean up his messes in his personal life and in his business have caused me to crash and burn. I had a dvt 6 years ago and just recently had 2 herniated discs replaced in my neck. I'm exhausted and discouraged and falling apart emotionally and physically (I was an SEC athlete in the late 1970s)- all while trying to launch my own business. After a bad blowup yesterday (he misplaced his camera, accused our 25-year-old son for stealing and hocking it, had everyone literally tear up the house for 2 hours - then he found it on the OTHER closet shelf on which he swears he didn't put it) I retreated and am finally considering divorce.

    A tiny part of me is telling me to try again (we've seen a marriage counselor and he is unmonitored on vyvance) but the other part of me is very fearful that staying to work this out could possibly cost me my life. There is a very high correlation between stress and health problems, and it is a fact that living with a spouse with ADHD is indeed very very stressful.

    Thoughts?

  • How do I take care of nuts and bolts things with my ADDer? by: Sueann 12 years 2 months ago

    I left my husband and moved in with married daughter after years of saying I would do that if he didn't change (get a job, help with housework, etc.) He wouldn't leave, said he has as much right to be in the house as I do. My daughter is a divorce attorney and she backed him up on that score and said I could live with her family.

    So now he's in the house with my dog and cats and he won't communicate with me. I know we aren't supposed to be controlling, but I'm as much responsible for the rent as he is. He won't answer phone calls and emails about "did you pay the rent?" I don't know if he's given the animals their monthly meds. If he doesn't pay the rent, it will make it harder for me to rent my own place. I don't want my dog to get heartworm. So I have a vested interest in things getting done. What do I do to be sure he's taking care of business?

     

  • how to communicate by: PoisonIvy 12 years 2 months ago

    ADHD spouse is at parents' house for long weekend.  He has been going almost every week for a year; he helps them out.  I have expressed my desire for spouse to communicate with me periodically while he is gone.  Occasionally, he does.  This weekend, Thursday to today, one communication; he sent me a picture of the beets he cooked for his parents for supper.

    What is the ADHD-appropriate way to communicate to my husband that his not communicating bothers me?  It seems that if I say anything, I am nagging; if I say nothing, he assumes that all is A-OK.  If I say that I feel sad and lonely when he doesn't communicate with me, he says that this makes him feel guilty (and I've been told repeatedly that guilt paralyzes his brain and thus his ability to do anything).  Any tips on this situation?  

  • professional organizer? by: kzookitten 12 years 2 months ago

    Im curious if anyone on here has ever tried a professional organizer to help manage some of the time management/organization issues with their spouse. I hadn't considered it before because I figured it would cost too much or that it wouldn't be worth it. But after looking into tonight I think I want to give it a try. Especially since my husband is starting a new semester in school so its prime timing for it. 

  • Sleeping on the Couch again... by: kzookitten 12 years 2 months ago

    Every time I end up sleeping on the couch while he is snoring away in the bedroom like a fight didn't happen I always feel like, "Shouldn't he be the one sleeping on the couch." I have trying a lot harder to use more follow through when we have conflict lately. So, rather than sleepily trying to work through ridiculous arguments where he doesn't even understand the true problem anyway and wants to hyper focus on the small details that are irrelevant I leave the room. I still wonder how he does not instantly realize how bad that is.

    I hate where we are right now. I keep going over the reasons I want to be with him, or rather trying to convince myself any of them matter. But more and more I just feel like I want to throw in the towel. Every time I try to talk to him about it he tries to shut the conversation down. His voice becomes almost condescending and he says, "don't be like that. Why do you always have to go there?' As though I am just flippantly saying these things. But it doesn't matter the presentation, the time of day. He will never listen to it. The closest I get is that "he won't let me." I just feel like as much as we have a shared vision of the future... Im the only one that will ever put any work into it. He always says "Im trying." But words are so easy. I don't want to hear him talk anymore. I want him to show me. I want him to show me that he has done any of the things I have asked him to. But instead of addressing important things, he just addresses more recent/less important things. I have asked him for longer than I care to admit to get his bank to send transaction statements so I can visually see what has been happening with his money for the last six months (Now probably more like 9). I even gave him an ultimatum, which he said wasn't an issue and would get done. Then as time ticked on and I would remind him, he acted like I was crazy to have to remind him all the time. Now the deadline has past and he wants to argue about what I originally said the deadline was.

    Unfortunately, during a period where things were going well we had decided to start trying for a second child and I am now pregnant. So, ultimatum or not its a lot more complicated now. Especially considering how incapacitating this pregnancy has been so far. And it just seems to bring out more of the problems. I told him, "I need you to step up now. I have been doing more than my share for a long time and now I can barely do my share." He seemed to be supportive of it... but I still feel like everything is falling apart. I feel like he is a black hole for money. I feel like I will have to do everything forever if i remain with him. I feel like I will never be able to follow my aspirations as long as I have to take care of him. I feel like he fights me on every god forsaken thing on the planet.

    The argument that I had to walk away from tonight was about whether he knew a particular song or not. Its so stupid and irrelevant to anything. But its to the point where I can't just let him bully me about all these stupid little detail things. If its irrelevant I need him to be able to act like it is instead of completely shutting down my perspective.

    I guess it just boils down to two things tonight. One everything is a fucking ego battle with him. He HAS to be right. Its all or nothing there is no room for both people to have valid points or perspectives. And if I think something else... its like Im calling him stupid or saying Im better than him. Then the defensiveness rears its ugly head, which I LOATHE. Its just a different opinion half the time. Its fucking ridiculous. Everything is so black and white and absolute with him. Secondly, I feel like I am not getting the emotional consideration I deserve. Lately, there has been this trend of perpetual emotional blackmail. I feel bad. I am miserable in my life and marriage right now. But when I try to bring it up or want some kind of affection or really any indication that my feelings are heard or thought about its like "Im such a debbie downer I keep him from feeling motivated to try" God damnit that stuff pissed me off. He was away half this month doing his reserves training. I took the time to kind of breathe and try and regain some positive thoughts and actions towards him. I bought us tickets to a concert of a band we liked when we first started dating. I bought him an Ipod touch so that he could try to use some of the apps to help him stay organized with school and home life. I even bought him a replacement ring for our anniversary because his broke. And within days of him coming home its on me again. Its always on me. He is always trying. And I never see any of the results of this supposed action. When's the last time he had any kind of consideration like that for me? 

    Anyway, I guess from where I sit right now. I don't see a lot of options. I believe I need to see out this pregnancy with him and that our recent move may allow us a little more space to bond and heal our relationship. But I don't expect any change. I really don't. I am making plans for our split so that when enough time has passed and enough things have settled that it can happen quickly and smoothly. I have no intention of dragging this out longer than I have to. But I do feel that my children deserve for their parents to put in a little extra effort to try and repair themselves than if they were not a consideration. I am glad that I am showing more follow through with my actions towards him. I am thinking some alternatives might be to get a bed for the extra bedroom for now so that when these nights happen or he doesnt follow through that I dont have to settle for the scratchy couch. 

Pages