I have been trying to figure out how to ask this question for about a week. My husband and I were talking about something back then and his account of his thinking was so completely foreign to me that he may as well have been speaking Greek in that moment.  It was nothing at all like how I think when I am deciding what I am going to do about something........I wish I could remember the exact situation not because it is important, but because I can't really think of another one and I think that is going to make it harder to receive replies.

I am getting the vibe from talking to many AD/HD mates and also from reading on several forums, that the AD/HD world even for a good mate is sometimes 'all you all the time'.  I am afraid that statement is going to cause offense and I don't want to do that.  I really want a dialogue about this.  Do you ever feel like your challenges are so big that the other ppl in your life could come to feel like it is your world and everyone else just has to live in it with you--like do you expect support to take the form of do X, Y, and or Z for me to help me?  Cause when we say we need X, Y, or Z, we frequently hear 'that would be nice but you can't have that because I am not up to that.'   What do you feel your responsibility is to your mate?  What do you think their responsibility is to you?

I genuinely, from the moment I became 1/2 a couple, no longer really think of myself as a separate entity.  If i am trying to decide something, one of my very first questions is if it will affect my husband and if it will, will it be a negative or positive.

I was a fairly independent single person, chose not to get married until my late 20s, and have never felt I NEEDED a man in my life, but I always felt that everyone's life is enhanced by love.  I'm saying that to say that I have never been a needy of clingy person and  I'd expect my husband to say something very similar except at the point we got together, he was more actively wanting to add a loving relationship to his life than I was.  Being together has been a wonderful experience for us and we each enhance the other's life.  It really is in many ways exactly what I'd hoped marriage would add. 

From the moment I got married, and really even before that, I have always considered myself as part of a couple.  I don't think of myself as a single person, I don't act as a single person, and I always think first of how everything will affect us and my husband before doing it.  Sometimes I think he doesn't organically think of me in the same way.  I asked him some type of form of this question about the issue that occurred a week ago and basically he said he just didn't think of how it would affect me at all.  He apologized and said that is something he needs to work on.

You could have knocked me over.   Just trying to grasp that thinking.........that you are a couple but that you think of yourself and not really your partner.  I don't think physically that I am capable of that, nor would I want to be.  Now my husband isn't proud that he is able to do this and I'm not saying he'd want to be this way, but there are times I just want it to be nonADD time......like when we were marriage planning and we'd have planning-free weekends to just enjoy being together. 

I read some of what gets posted by the ADD mates, and I agree your non mates are doing some frustrating things, demotivating things, demoralizing things, but sometimes it can feel like we are just satellites orbitting your ADD world.  Sometimes it even sounds like the irritation on the ADD end is coming from the fact that we are being poor satellites and not motivating properly or not sharing our feelings properly or being properly grateful for all the hard work you are doing......there is some validity of course, but are you doing all those things on your end? 

I know you can imagine how demotivating, stressful, infuriating, fear-inspiring even at times your behavior is.  I know my husband can.  Sure I get frustrated at what he doesn't do well and he gets frustrated at what I don't do well.  But there are times when I feel like so much of the onus of changing is on me because he has ADD.  And sometimes he makes decisions not really even thinking about how it will affect me.

This happened several times on our weekend away since we were with my parents and my dad was being a big slug, my husband goes into 'it is fine to be a slug' mode, and I was just being driven more and more and more crazy because he knows I HATE THAT SLUG CRAP.  Even when he was trying to do something or was up for something, it was so half hearted and felt like it took a poor second place to goofing on the computer that I felt completely unmotivated by the end.

On the way home I asked if he'd ever do the lake again with my parents and he said he thought it went pretty well and that he'd do it again.  He also said "I know it was too much resting and bumming for you, but I liked it"  I asked why he didn't try to respond when I tried to liven things up, and his response "I'd have done anything"  but he wouldn't have anything to do with the process that I just stopped trying much.

It was ok, but I will likely never do it again.  I suggested if he wanted that type of weekend away that he should do it without me, and he was offended and said he'd never do such a thing.  I said I'd way prefer that, if he wants that kind of weekend, to be seperate than to be forced to watch it.  He is sorry he wasn't thinking enough about what was good for me..........but I can't even get into the headspace to understand where he was coming from then.

He seems to do what he wants in the moment and apologize later, and those types of apologies just aren't working for me.  "I wasn't thinking" isn't getting anything resolved.   And I don't care what your reason is for not thinking.......START THINKING about it.  You know what I mean?

Im still new here but have a few ?s:

My husband was diagnosed with severe adult ADHD recently, to noone's surprise but his own. He seems to have taken it hard.  He has memory problems already due to encephalitis in the past, but I don't know how much more I can take.  Even our 7 year old cant stand the chaos that follows his dad everywhere.  My marriage is over I'm afraid.  The only reason I stuck around this long was to get some finances in order.

His therapist recommended at least trying the meds, but hubby wants to "think about it," and that was two weeks ago.  Finally today I just made appt with his doctor, even though he said he could (then why didn't he two weeks ago?).  when I told him, he sounded relieved, which leads me to my questions:

1.  Is it the ADHD that he refuses to ask for help?

2.  I can't finish 1 sentence before he butts in and says, "I know.". My nephew with ADHD also "knows" everything, what the heck is that about?

3.  I'm not going to get my hopes up that he even makes it to his doctor appt, however I was wondering even if that happens and he starts the meds what, if any expectations should I have?  

4.  I also get so very stressed out having a conversation with him.  He jumps from topic to topic, starts stories at the end and takes forever to tell them, by then I have completely lost interest on top of a pounding headache from the topic jumping.  Is this the ADHD or just lack of social skills?

Thanks!

My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD. He got prescribed Dex. He takes it when he wakes up. He only has a part-time job, so he has to go to work only twice a week. On work days he gets up early with an alarm. Then at night he either stays up late or takes a nap for a couple of hours in the evening and then wakes up to stay up until sunrise. When he doesn't have to get up for work he doesn't set the alarm and sleeps in till 4pm. Then takes a nap in the evening. Sometimes he wakes up for "breakfast" which is already lunch and goes back to bed after he eats. He wakes up when it's "normal bedtime" and again stays awake at night. Sometimes he goes to bed early at night, sleeps till 6am, then goes back to bed at 10am and sleeps through the day. He takes the meds when he gets up, so if he doesn't set the alarm he just chooses to sleep in because he wants to. Then he gets frustrated that he hasn't done anything. His sleeping looks really irregular and sometimes adds up to 20 hours a day! His psychiatrist checked for depression and decided that there is no depression. He just gets upset with himself because he can't get things done because of ADHD. I ask him why he stays up so late and doesn't just make himself go to bed: he doesn't know. When I try to talk in the bedroom he has no problems falling asleep the minute his head hits the pillow.

Is this pattern common for ADHD? OR is it depression? Or something else? 

Is it possible to be Primarily Inattentive as a child and be Hyper as an adult? That seems to be my story plus anxiety.

Any thoughts??