Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Crushed by: ellamenno 12 years 2 months ago

    Well, I was hoping to post again in the 'Progress' section, but unfortunately, I did NOT get the position that I really, really hoped (and thought) I'd get...

    It's a program where I've been a substitute music teacher for TWO YEARS.  Everyone who taught there got the job through subbing, and I'd thought when one of the teachers left I would be permanent (all the other ones tend to be in their 20s and once they graduate from conservatory they head off to bigger and better things....).  The first time one of them left and a new teacher was hired, I thought, well maybe they just didn't realize I was looking for a permanent job.  So I told them that I'd like the opportunity to interview should someone else leave....  When they called me in to sub for the first time last year, once again:  a new teacher.  Then I thought, ok - I'm old.  They don't want someone with grey hair and kids....  they want twentysomethings.  But they kept calling me in to sub, and the chair of the department told me that I was always his 'first choice' for his studio.  The kids really like me and I believe I made a big difference with some of them.  (ages 9-18).  I felt good about myself seeing them on TV or professional sporting events and thinking, "Hey-I taught those kids!"  I'd smile when I'd come home and find sidewalk chalk hand prints on the back of my blazer from the kids who run up to me and hug me when I arrive. My heart broke when a 14 year old student gushed effusively about a wonderful new food he tried for the first time due to a new subsidized lunch program at school:  Salad.  And I cried when I found out CPS had taken a student away from her grandmother, and she was no longer in the program.

    My interview was fantastic.  I was interviewed by the Director, and then I taught a lesson for her to observe.  Everything I suggested showed immediate and obvious improvement.  Then the director talked to me some more, asked me a lot of questions about working with kids in the small business I started 2 years ago, (she had gone to my website and had read everything) and told me that she really liked the way I taught and the way that I spoke to the student (12 years old) as I would any adult, and made him feel comfortable and respected. 

    When she called today, I could tell I didn't get the job immediately by the sound of her voice.  She told me that it had been a 'really tough decision' and that this was a 'hard phone call' for her to make, but they found a candidate with better credentials (pedagogy - I just have a BA in Music and a Masters in Vocal Performance, but no 'education' degree).  She said she loved our interview and was glad to have a chance to get to know me better etc. etc. and she said the kids love me and they'd keep me on the substitute list, but she would understand if I didn't want to sub anymore.  I thanked her for calling, and said that yes, I could still be on the sub list (because after all - I need the money.  the job I got last week is only part time). 

    But, here's the question:  Why would I NOT want to be on the sub list?  In addition to needing money, I also love the kids and the job, and it seems like a no-brainer that I would still want to work there even though I couldn't be faculty.  Is there a social cue that I've missed?  Of course, it's embarrassing.  Of course I am disappointed, I am CRUSHED, in fact.... but was she hinting that I should just go away?  Like, "he's not into you - give up!  Stop embarrassing yourself!"  kind of thing?

  • ADHD, Mental Exhaustion, In-laws, and being antisocial. About runs the gamut of my weekend. by: skywind 12 years 2 months ago

    I"m engaged to a mostly awesome lady who was diagnosed with ADHD 15 years ago. She's now 32. I'm her non-adhd partner. I do love her dearly.

    We're in the middle of buying a new home, and in the meantime to save on rent and not get stuck with a lease, we've been staying at an extended stay motel during the week, and with my family on the weekends. It's been this way for a couple months. It's pretty stressful at times, no doubt, to keep skipping around and living on a crappy, low budget diet.

    Anyway, she just got a new job as a bank teller at the beginning of last week. She likes it, likes the people she's working with, etc.  Only bad thing is, according to her, being social and working under flourescent lighting is exhausting to her. I can see that, and try to understand it, but here's where the in-laws and anti social part comes in.

    Over the weekend, while at my families place, she went out of her way to avoid all social contact with everyone (at least 6 people - Dad, Grandparents, Sister, etc) but me. Basically hid in the tent (we've been camping) the entire time. I tried my best to not pick at her and nag her, but it just made things worse. The best answer I got for being antisocial is "I'm tired, not feeling well, need to recharge batteries."  This was for 3 days straight.

    It's very strange to my family that someone would come to their home and not join in on family dinners, say anything, and hide from them the entire time. I can understand being overtired. I can understand wanting to be away from people. But is it really that hard to join in on a home cooked meal, maybe come in and chat for 10 minutes, make nice with the future in-laws? I've gotten 3 phone calls today from different family members being a little upset over her inaction.

    I'm kinda stuck in the middle here, now. I really want to support her and understand her, but I'm having a hard time believing it's that hard to make an appearance or two over a three day span.

    My main questions are...

    1. Have any of you experienced an exhaustion so heavy that you can't bear the sight of other people?

    2. What do I tell my family? I'm a little paranoid about saying she has ADHD. They are backwoods country folk who don't get out much. ADHD sounds like a horrible disease to them. They are good people, though.

    3. How can both of us avoid something like this in the future? Some sort of middle ground would be nice, but she wouldn't budge, no matter how hard I tried to get her out of the tent for a few minutes.

    I really, really want to understand her explanation, but am having a hard time doing so. Hoping some other folks could help.

  • I don't believe you by: jennalemon 12 years 2 months ago

    When you tell me you will do it, I don't believe you.

    When you tell me you can do it, I don't believe you.

    When you tell me you will pay the bill, I don't believe you.

    When you tell me you paid the bill, I don't believe you.

    When you tell me it is taken care of, I don't believe you.

    When you tell me you will be home at 6, I don't believe you.

    When you tell me where you are going, I don't believe you.

    When you tell me what you did all day, I don't believe you.

    When you tell me you are going to quit smoking, I don't believe you.

    When you tell me you don't drink too much, I don't believe you.

    When you tell me where you are when talking on the cell phone, I don't believe you.

    When you tell me you will change, I don't believe you.

    When you tell me are faithful to me, I don't believe you.

    When you tell me everything is fine, I don't believe you.

    I must just be the untrusting sort, huh?  

  • Simple Directions by: Erbailey 12 years 2 months ago

    My husband has just recently been diagnosed with ADHD. The good thing is that it is bringing 96% of our issues to light. The downside is, no matter how much I have changed to attempt to be accommodating, it feels helpless and hopeless. I don't know if it is ok to point out the little things that cause a struggle between him and our 2 year old and I don't know what to do about communication - I am to the point of giving almost ridiculously detailed instructions, he writes them down, and still doesn't follow because he has some preconceived notion of what should occur the he just won't let go of in order to follow the instructions. Anyone have any suggestions?  It feels like groundhog day. The prioritizing also is like a child - his hobbies have 100% priority over all of us, even should we be Ill. HELP!  Three years of counseling got us at least to diagnosis and medication, but what I mentioned above, the lack of sex or intimate contact and the frustration of watching our child struggle with dad is driving me to divorce and feelings of failure. 

  • Refuses to give up cannabis and try proper meds by: Linsy 12 years 2 months ago

    Thank you for all previous support. We did manage to get to a specialist psychiatrist in UK, and he told HB very clearly that he MUST give up cannabis for at least four months to clear it out of his system, before he would do a meds trial to eliminate doubt about potential ADHD. My mother in law originally read Melissa Orlov's article in the NYT three years ago, and it so clearly seemed to describe the endless mysterious issues with our marriage that caused such confusion and insecurity, and lumbered me with every single possible responsibility while he did exactly what he liked (don't know what to this day, but it certainly didn't make him happy - probably cannabis even when he said he had given up). To begin with, ie just after the appointment, he appeared to be agreeing that this was a good idea. Now he point blank refuses saying it would be like replacing cannabis with 'cocaine' and that is 'clearly a bad idea'. I think this is also because I would then be 'right' and he cannot bear the idea - that he and not me (or in fact his uncontrolled condition) is to blame for the break down in our marriage. I am sure this is not in any way a proper decision based on rational grounds and the need to restore his relationships with his wife and children. I am sure it is knee jerk reaction to his hostility and anger towards me for always trying to help, sometimes in ways that simply did not and could not work, and just caused me further pain. He did state quite clearly during the appointment that he had no intention of keeping his promises towards me. His family as far as I can tell prefer him in the state he is in - one of them 'employs' him for menial tasks and pocket money. I want the man I could see there back. If not for me - possibly too much damage - but for our three children. I am terribly nervous now, and when with him feel panicky due to all the endless shocks big and small that his behaviour caused when we still lived together. Any advice?

  • Angry when I ask simple questions by: transient 12 years 2 months ago

    Help! My H has never been diagnosed with ADD (he won't seek any kind of help or assessment). I suspect, however,it would be confirmed.

    I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this and how they handled it...

    My H gets angry and defensive at the simplest questions. Especially if one question leads to another. It can be about the simplest thing. Today it was a question about charging a battery. He was using a battery charger and needed to look up something. I asked three questions about it and he became angry. I was just trying to become more knowledgeable. This kind of thing happens all the time. It's like he thinks I'm picking at how or why he's doing something when I'm really just trying to learn.

    Is this kind of response to simple questions sound like an ADD trait?

    It's the same when he needs help w/a problem. I try to be supportive with advice or an opinion (usually when asked) and then all of a sudden he's angry because I'm 1) pushing him to do something before he's ready, 2) telling him what to do.

    I get this all the time. Along with an overwhelmed "I can't talk about this right now".

    I am starting to lose hope that we can have a normal conversation. Anyone have any suggestions? Similar experiences?

  • I need help by: beaches1 12 years 2 months ago

    I have been reading these forums and blogs on this website for a few months now. I have never had the courage to join in. I have been watching from the inside. But today for whatever reason, I joined. And here I am throwing myself out here. I can't do this anymore. Even as I type, it is surreal. Like this really can't be me in my life getting ready to puke it all out to a bunch of strangers. Here it goes...

    I have been married to my husband for 22 years. We dated for almost 6 years before that. Looking back at it all now, I should have known those flags should have been deal breakers. I can honestly say I wish I never married my husband. I try to remind myself I wouldnt have my 2 wonderful daughters but I just am so sad with how my life has turned out. I cry nearly everyday and things have increasingly gotten worse over the past several years. I think I didnt have time to analyze the situation so closely when the girls were younger because I was so consumed with their needs. But now they are 16 & 13 and I see them with their friends and they are happy. I participate in their lives by volunteering, coaching and attending everything they do...but 90% of the time I am alone. And when they are with their friends, I am alone even when my husband and I are under the same roof.

    We have fought, we have talked, we have promised to try harder. It always turns out the same. I continue to try and he continues to be distant, depressed and so lonely himself. He was diagnosed almost 2 years ago. He recently went back on his medicine (even though he said he didnt think it made a difference - I know it does). So, we are about 2 weeks into him taking the medicine again and I just dont know if I can continue living with him. He spends all of his free time in front of the computer or tv. I do all of the household chores, children, work full time, volunteer, mow the lawn, and everything/anything else I can squeeze into the day.

    I cant remember the last time he looked at me or told me how nice I looked or even initiated a conversation. Other men do notice me and I have even been asked out (I think most people think I am divorced because I am always alone) and that is flattering knowing that I have some value even if to another man. It would be so easy to have an affair. One time I went out with an old (guy) friend and got home late and my husband never said a word. He didnt even remember me telling him that I would be going out.

    I want the best for my girls. I want them to have a positive outlook on life and marriage. I dont know if I am doing them any favors by being this kind of role model. In my mind, if I can just make it 5 more years. Then, my youngest will go off to college and I can move out too. I cant see how my life would be any worse because I am already alone anyway. I guess I do see it could be better to be living alone because then the isolation wont be shoved in my face. The question now is...can I make it 5 years? I dont feel like I can make it another month. I just dont know what to do anymore. I lack confidence in making decisions, I am so depressed and so lonely. I just want to crawl in a hole and for it all to go away.

     

  • Like reading about a bank robbery and then finding out that you robbed it by: tintoy 12 years 2 months ago

    My wife was reading up on ADHD because the idea had been brought up regarding our son.  She stopped and said, “Wait a minute…this is YOU.” Finding out I had ADHD was a milestone- my entire life fell into place. I was ecstatic! My wife sank into a depression- it confirmed the hopelessness she had felt. The very next day at lunch I went to the mall to get a present for her, maybe a small piece of jewelry or something. I saw a Barnes&Noble and went in- where better to start learning about ADHD than with a new book? I looked at the titles. I got three books in before I decided I had had enough and was already tired of the idea. Not ten feet away I spotted a book about monsters- neat! Turns out there are some pretty convincing photos of weird sea monsters that have washed up on shore. I got some coffee and went back to work.  I realized how ridiculous I am.
       I found a therapist who did some assessments and said I had, basically, a 911 case of ADD. She couldn’t understand how I even had a career- honestly I can’t either. One time in a self-review I told my boss why he should get rid of me, hire two guys out of college and get twice the work for half the money.
       Here I am, maybe two years down the road, and I am terrified. It is an awful and strange feeling when you have an epiphany and know in that moment that you will forget it and be in the same position in a month. When you realize that you may have caused literally every problem in your 20 year marriage and that your wife is an insane shrew because you broke her while chipping away at her sanity the way a patient sculptor chips away at marble.
     

    I read The ADHD Effect on Marriage- a small victory because I don’t usually finish books. It was tremendously discouraging and painful, and at times I’d get a sliver of hope- it was fascinating to see myself in print. But at the end of it I’m left with, “where is ME?” I mean once you strip away the ADD- what the hell is left? And then I feel hopeless, because in my trail are a thousand million starts and good intentions and brilliant impulses.
    I’m not looking for an answer or response; I just want to get on this forum and attempt to participate, been reading a lot of posts.

  • Ritalin LA and Vet. Admin. by: callmesusan 12 years 2 months ago

    My husband has ADHD-inattentive. Finally, finally this diagnosis was made and he began Ritalin LA. He was like a new person. We since lost our insurance and he now is under care through the VA.

    The problem is the VA does not generally pay for patented medications. The psych-NP started him on the older version of Ritalin, which has a shorter half life than the Ritalin LA that he was taking. She prescribed two doses a day. He puts off taking it in the morning so that he can take it later in the early afternoon, trying to function effectively during critical hours. 

    IT'S NOT WORKING!!  We are almost back to where we were: he is  resting/sleeping in his bed a lot during the day, frustrated easily, irritable, argumentative, not engaging in life. 

    We had an appointment with the psych-NP yesterday. She thinks waiting to take it at 8:00 am and again at about noon/1pm, lasting until about 4:00 pm sounds good. Who can or wants to unplug themselves at 4:00?! In between doses the effectiveness wanes. It's up-down-up down, down. She kept referring to it as an amphetamine, like it was a delinquent medication rather than a legitimate treatment. Grrrr.

    Is there anyone here who gets Ritalin LA provided by the VA? We cannot afford to pay for it ourselves. Or, any suggestions how to maximize the effectiveness of the other stuff?

    I'm frustrated. I'm tired. 

    ~Susan

  • A Theory by: gdedwards11 12 years 2 months ago

    My Theory is this, and my disclaimer, I have not succeeded in doing what my theory is.  My Theory: You have to have victory over the addiction before you can have victory over ADD or ADHD.  I use the word victory rather than "control" because "control" is an addicts word.  On the other hand, I think Dr. Hollowell is on the right track.  Victory means that you have not "indulged" your addiction in a long time.

    There's an ad on TV about a hospital that helps people deal with addiction.  It's wrong.  The guy that talks says, "I was an addict and now I'm not."  Wrong!  Once an addict, always an addict.  You go to the grave an addict.  But... as I said, you can have victory over the addiction.

    Addictions are horrible!  There doesn't seem to be any way of having victory over them. 

    My Theory: Throw your addiction at the foot of the Cross. 

    Even if you're not a believer, you can do this. 

    Jesus, in the garden of Gethsemane, prayed to God.  "Take this bitter cup from me."  If there is any other way.  Question:  Did God deliver Jesus from crucifixion on the cross?  No.  Did God Deliver Jesus from the beating He took before He was crucified?  No.  Jesus had to go through it. 

    He had to make the ultimate sacrifice. 

    And that's what we have to do.  How many times have you prayed to God asking him to deliver you from your addiction?  Did he?  Probably not, because He wants us to sacrifice.  Could He deliver us, absolutely?  But he doesn't. 

    Sacrifice your addiction, I think it's the only way to have victory over your addiction.  I may be wrong.  But that's all I know to do.  Nothing else works.

    I had a friend that said this: "If you really want to have victory over your addiction, you have to suffer."  Jesus suffered.  And unfortunately, I think,  that's what we have to do.

    And if we manage to have victory over our addiction, then we can work to have victory over our ADD.

     

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