We seem to have gotten to polar opposites of fun/work linear scale.  My married life has been about building, maintaining, planning, working.  DH has been about having fun, being personable, sense of humor, talking his way around things, jokes, his own pleasure experience.  I slid into workathon when I thought that if he saw me  have fun, he would get distracted and think he deserved more fun that he is already having (he has a distorted sense of what is fair) and he would abandon his work and promises and have only fun abandoning more of his share of work.  Now I realize I don't even know how to have fun anymore amidst my worrying and frustration and fear of failures and trying to balance things.  He pays no attention to responsibilities, thinking of future, finances or bills.  I realize we have practiced this for so many years that I am no longer able to find and know and enjoy pleasure.  He is incapable of flexing his building/conversing sensibly/work muscles (except when he initiates something fun and creative or physically outside it is like he is my pool boy and he expects me to finance things while he gets merit points for mowing the lawn).  I cannot bear to live with no pleasure or joy or partnering.   If I go out and have fun every day, will he pick up some responsibilities more?  Just a question to the ADDers if this  might be worth it.  How would you react if your nonADHD spouse would suddenly change from Responsible Rabbit to Goof Off Goose?

My husband is going crazy!I am not sure what is his real problems but ever since I met him no one liked him,no one trusted him,everyone wants to stay away from him.His own mother came to me when I first met him and told me that I would be sorry in the long haul if I were to be with him but I was sooo much head over heels in love with this man I did not listen to no one but my self.I am lost for words I don't know where to begin.I am so alone and afraid of everything even being on the computer sometimes.I am here blogging and doing my researches and he is very insecure with me on the computer thinking that I am going to cheat with someone online and I am never doing those crazy things he makes up in his crazy head.

Tonight I am over at his apartment trying to work out an altercation I got into him concerning one of his friends from a different state that was unresolved between us.I tried to avoid any confrontation with him this week that has gone by so that I can work the week in a clear head so I did not go to his apartment I stayed at home by my house where I run my business from.When I went by him he was not there,when I checked at the bar he was there self medicating and drinking out his life,I told him right away to meet me home at his place to discuss out altercation and to clear up what was bothering him.He was shouting when he arrived,cursing,calling me names,saying horrible horrible things.

He told me tonight that he is not happy and that he can't live like this no more and that he has to find a permanent relationship and that I can't live with him and that is killing him b/c he needs someone to hug at nights and that I am never there.I can't live with him for many reasons,he is too much of a bully,he watches porn while I am asleep right next to me,he loves to be in control of everything,every TV program,food we eat,places we would hang out everything!! then I have my business at home and I have to get up a 4 in the morning to start my work so I live at home for my finances to continue to be at a paste and financially free.Then I have my kids living with me and his apartment can't fit myself and my two kids.Okay in other words he can't provide for me (or won't)!

Even if I could live with him I won't b/c firstly he has to cool down that temper of his and starts meds for his ADHD also depressions and mood swings etc etc etc.My husband is a very charming sweet nasty man,he is very very manipulating and very kind hearted for the things that would benefit him and ONLY HIM.Tonight he is telling me and for the past 2 years now that he has to find someone to settle down with and have next to him always.I have no problem with that,but,for a man that deserves it.Not a man like himself.I could do what he is asking for,but what would benefit me from that.(NOTHING)

here's the real deal,

I am always there on weekends,I am almost there every evening after he finishes work,I wash,clean and fold his clothes,I do the dishes all the time for him,I make up the bed,I am always cleaning his apartment,every holiday we get I am there with him,every chance I have,but then I have my business to run,my kids to attend to and myself,my mother to keep an eye on an uncle to watch over with his cancer and my 4 cats I love too much.I am trying to split my time between house,work,kids,husband,family at home and myself.I am overwhelmed but I am strong and I have been doing a wonderful job,but hubby thinks that I am to caught up home and with work and kids and he feels left out of the circle.

Maybe it's best we really do break up and end this now before I end up more hurt,I think that he would never be happy no matter what I do,if only he would just do the right thing and go on meds and work on change,he is almost 50 and I am 32 and I thought that being 50 and with no stable life yet he would wake up but still he has not waken up.I am hurt and terrified and I feel so dry up and used by him after all I try and did for him,I gave him ALL my love and then he cut me down to size with a lot of hurtful words and actions.regardless to if we live together or live apart he would never be happy b/c we use to live together before for 6 months and that did not work out and I know I am wasting my time,I was just hoping that we could have continued to date and live apart b/c that is the best thing for his unstable living and dysfunctional brain and unhealthy way of living with his drug and alcohol addiction not to mention that nasty porn addiction.

He would bad talk me with everyone around him and then accuse me of things that I never did and say it so differently that how I trues to explain it to him,he would make up- all these things in his head and then lash out at me in a rage and vengeance,I told him personal things that happened to me and he would throw them back in my face and they hurt me really bad to hear him repeat those things back to me,I confided in him and he totally went all out to hurt me and kill my love the little that I felt for him.I got so mad tonight and told him I wished he was dead b/c he was really mean and nasty to me and he always bad talk my son with me telling me hurtful things about my kids and my cats and I love my kids and my cats very much and he knows that and he tells me these things to hurt me.

thank you for listening to my blog,I know it was long and I have so much more to say but I would stop now.

lovehurts.

After visiting this and other forums and sites, and on the verge of leaving my DH at the beginning of last month(not too long, I know..) so many things have changed. I feel like my whole life has been turned upside-down. Turns out most of our issues have been related to lack of communication and lack of sex on my DH's part. He wanted it, I felt like I wasn't getting my needs met, refused 75% of the time..I don't remember us ever having a truly satisfying sex life..maybe while we were dating and a couple years after, and in turn, DH didn't want to meet my needs, or seem even remotely interested in making me happy..it was a vicious cycle. He's treating his ADHD, and doesn't take his meds on the weekend which still bothers me a little, but so many other aspects of our relationship has improved that it just seems like a drop in the bucket, now. Here I am blaming everything on ADHD..when the answer was right in front of me. I was a little wary at first at the huge improvements just from regular sex, but it's been 6 weeks now and things are still good. He still seems interested in my day, interested in the kids and I, and eager to help(okay, not always exactly eager, but willing), and I don't feel like a huge nag when asking him to help with anything because he doesn't make me feel like that anymore. I feel like after almost 8 years of marriage, we finally have a healthy relationship. Not only that but recent events have made it so that we have been able to pay our house, car and credit card off completely, which makes us debt-free. I can't tell you how excited we are. DH also has a possible job opportunity which will pay a lot less than what he's making now(the only way we can do this is because we are eliminating our debt) but will still allow me to stay at home with the kids..It seems like everything is falling into place! My biggest concern right now is staying debt free. We will still have to live on a tight budget for awhile because of the job change, and I know ADDers love to spend money :) I'm in charge of the budget though, so I have a lot of control over the spending..I'm just worried about that credit card at a zero balance..and staying that way. We have only ever had this credit card at zero for a few months at a time, but mostly it's carried at least 2000.00, and up to 10,000.00 on it. We like to have it for emergencies, but it seems it never stays as just an emergency card..because of DH. Can someone offer some wisdom?!?

New user. Save your hellos.

Incredibly angry and upset. Been this way for a LONG time. Doesn't matter what I try and do, I get NO WHERE.

So upset and current situation. Have ZERO patience or tolerance for anything. Very P$$#ed off.

Do we get to blame people here? How about we start with GOD WHO MADE ME LIKE THIS! Why don't we start with Him?

All my life I have been F###CKED UP. From the very beginning. Oh, wonderful child. So intelligent. Can't focus. Can't concentrate. "Classic underachiever." (Always loved that one.)

Well, it hasn't gotten any better. I haven't "grown out of it." Pi$$es me off no end. STILL THE SAME F####CKED UP PERSON I'VE ALWAYS BEEN!

Of course, its my fault. Always has been. I'm the one who's like this. I'm the one who does what I do. I have a choice. I have a free will. I'm the f###cked up person here. Nothing will change until I change. Of course, if I could change, why would I need any help?

For a while, several years ago, things were BETTER. I was closer to God, had a good relationship with a good church, had a good job, a very nice house. Almost everything you could want. Except...

I wasn't married. Nope! Didn't even have a girlfriend. In fact, I'D NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND. (Pretty f###cked up, wouldn't you say?) 33 years old and never had a girlfriend. Also, except for a couple of very poor quality experiences, I'd never even made love to a worman. Nope. Never. Not one time. A few kisses, some petting, a couple times a bit farther. But that was it. And people, I used to be in the theatre as a professional actor. If you can't get laid there, something is DRASTICALLY wrong with you.)

Okay, so premarital sex is not exactly right, you know. You don't really have permission to mess with someone who isn't really your wife. If you're not going to be with someone the rest of your life, why enter into something messy and fragile that isn't going to work out in the long run. Why hurt yourself and anyone else by doing that? Just wait for the right one and go from there.

33 years old and no one in sight. "Where is she, God??? Where's my wife? Where is she???" Banging table, pounding sand. (Very unwise.) "Where is she?"

Oh, its me. Of course. Its always me. I'm f##cked up, remember? You're not like other people. I'm sensitive, easily bruised, and want love's majesty to strut before me like a wanton ambling nymph. (That's from Shakespeare.) Okay, so I'm going to take the high road. I'm going to wait patiently. Except there's a problem, and that's me, myself, and I! 33 years old and NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND. Never had someone in my life. Crap!

So I get my wife. Oh, its all worked out by God and stuff. She's a Ukrainian lass 7 years my junior, but she will do. If she is it, she will do. I will accept her as my wife and will go on from here. I was extremely pleased when I got my wife.

Except I didn't change. After I got her, it was like, "Okay, what's next." And she's like, "I'm next! You're here to love and take an interest in me! You're not here to do the same things you've always done. You're here for me!"

(My wife's parents had an extremely close relationship, and my father-in-law was and exceptionally faithful and wise man. He condescended to his wife's preferences, (wisely,) and for the sake of peace, did what she wanted. He was not hen-pecked, and did not come off like a pressured husband, but believe me, if he did not go along with my mother-in-law, there would be FIREWORKS.

Ukrainians are very matriarchal. (That means the women dominate over there.) I have no idea how it got started, but believe me, THEY ARE DOMINANT OVER THERE. Do NOT cross a Ukrainian woman when she has decided something. Better to go drink a bottle of Vodka than cross one. Just do what they want and life will be fine.

One  smaaaaalll problem. I DETEST THAT STUFF. If there is one exceedingly anti-feminist man walking around, IT IS ME. I have loathed and destested feminism since grade-school, when the ARROGANT liberal teachers wanted to be called "Ms." and the girls wanted to play on the boy's baseball teams. I still seethe over that.

So guess what? FIREWORKS! Explosions! Fights! Turmoils! Controversies! STRIVING! Lot's and lot's and lot's and lot's of STRIVING! And we are both about as dug in as you can get. I REFUSE to give in to her expectations. I will not be moved by her "correct desires," (like she is the only one who knows anything about anything.)

Here's the thing. She is right at least 90% of the time on virtually everything. I mean that. She is exceptionally well versed, intelligent, diligent, and highly talented. She is exceptionally well considered, and treats every interaction and relationship as a master's thesis. She is an expert authority on people, character, relationships, and interactions. She studies them like a scientist studies his Petri dish. She is what you call, a Superior Wife. She can't help it. She will work circles around you, (and expect you to take the LEAD.)

Did I mention she is also quite critical? Oh, yes! Quite, quite, quite, quite, quite critcal on virtually everything and everywhere. She will dig and twist and delve into a person's character until she finds the fault. She is a fault-finder extraordinaire, as she was trained by the best, HER MOTHER! (Who always complained, "why can't you be like those children, or that family, or those kids?" Which devastated my wife as a child.

So, she has her bug-a-boos as well. Problem is, we both feed into each other's wheel-house. She LOATHES unmotivated men, who are lazy and don't hold up their responsibility. (Seriously, I cannot just "hang around the house" if she is in one of her many moods. It kills her initiative and prerogative.) And of course, this generates EVEN MORE disrespect and criticism towards me, which is ANATHEMA to my outlook, where I FIRMLY and UNSWERVINGLY believe a woman was put on this earth to assist and be a help to a man. . . NOT TO BE THE DEFACTO LEADER HERSELF, (so much for this "equality" bullshit.)

So, she gets to resisting and criticising and putting me down just by her attitude, and I start getting more and more resistant to ANYTHING she wants to do, and it becomes as viscous a bloody circle as you can possibly imagine.

I do not hate my wife, nor do I wish her ill. I get extremely angry and understand that she is the focal point of that provocation, but I am not hoping she will die or get into an accident. I do not wish ill for her at all. All I want is for her to CHANGE her attitude and become the kind of woman she is supposed to be for me, "someone to be there for me."

The children. Ah, the children. Five wonderful children who need patience, guidence, love, and most of all, two parents who are not always getting into each other all the time. Yes, I know all the adages about the importance of loving a wife, etc, ect, on and on. Don't tell me stuff I already know. I could teach classes on what a father/husband is supposed to do and provide for his family.

Okay, so I'm not God's gift to husbandry, and of course, because my FIL was such a nigh-unto-perfect man in virtually every respect, (he did his best,) I get to be compared to this sterling example and, should my efforts fall anywhere short of this nigh unto perfect mark, guess who will not get respect in his home.

Yes, that would be me. Mr. F###cked up all the time.

But you see, I DO try to do what I'm supposed to do. Except I don't do a very good job of it. I do try to discipline and be a good example, etc. But I'm not my wife's father. I'm me. F###cked up me. (I don't f###cking care what you think about that either. You want to judge me, GO AHEAD AND JUDGE ME!)

I try to take the lead, but if its something she doesn't agree with, will she follow? Doesn't matter! She won't go. Spank the children? Rod of correction? Bible?

Yes, she is a Born Again Christian, (the only real kind, BTW.) Yes, she has a real relationship with Jesus. But, you see, her parents also believed in corporal punishment, and also had a couple of children (one in particular) who needed EXTRA corporal punishment. And het got it, too! He would do this real hooligan stuff, and come home, and didn't want to get beat with the rod or belt, and would YELL, and SCREAM, and CARRY ON! Anything to get out of what he rightfully deserved. (And he will laugingly tell you this day that he deserved every whip and stripe.)

But my wife has one of those EXTREMELY tender hearts, and so took up for her brother during these sessions that she fantasied about rushing into the room and stopping the beatings. So......

Fast forward to our children. Now, I was not corporally punished by my father. He didn't believe in it, as I guess he had some bad experiences with it growing up. (Of course, HE is a better person for it, but of course, the father ALWAYS does for the son what he didn't get as a child.) So, I never got much corporal discipline, (or much else, for that matter.) I wasn't a troublesome kid. Just f$$$cked up.

So, I want to get on this with my kids. Don't let them get down the road without understanding what is what about parents and authority and obedience. I'm not talking drill sergeant kind of stuff. I'm not crazy with a stick. But it has to sting, and yes, there will be tears and crying for it to stop. That's all part of the treatment, and why it works so well. On those children who received it, they got better. On the last child, who is a screaming, crying MONSTER, she gets none. My wife's tender heart simply won't permit it. And guess who

I'm pretty worn out now. I'll have to finish this later.