I come to this site and write down my frustrated, angry and full of rage feelings and feel purged a bit and heard. But I am realizing that what my anger is really, is an attempt to save myself from the powerlessness of my situation and the sadness and disappointment and loneliness and some fear that comes with something being out of control and in a downward spiral. I am disappointed and ashamed of myself for letting myself get into financial ambiguity. I am frustrated because I don't know what is going on with DH but must make decisions regarding him and he condemns me for trying to talk about it and won't discuss money or the future. All I thought I was working for now seems to have been thrown into a bucket with a hole in it and it has all dripped out and is empty.....love, finances, security, trust, remembered history, even my own integrity and self respect. I don't like who I have become. I am grieving the dreams and faith in love I once had. I am becoming aware that I have become "de-selfed" and not feeling seen or heard. I feel bad. How did I get here? I was once the gregarious, personable confident one. Now I want to hide in a hole. I feel like a failure because I don't feel loved and cared for. DH's lack of financial mindfulness and his inattention has us in a situation where I am embarrassed and I must share his failures which now are part of my psyche and partially define me. He lives in a world of his own distractions and delusions. I feel like a failure and I have been working so hard on our relationship and the family's financial survival. This sad grieving acceptance and feelings of lack of faith and trust in my own abilities and grace are very uncomfortable.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Putting away some anger and accepting by: jennalemon 12 years 3 months ago
- My Husband's Latest Stunt by: bilf 12 years 3 months ago
So his check for the bills bounced.
When confronted he started spouting all this unrelated stuff at me.
It was everything n the kitchen sink.
He started screaming I didn't pay bills on time. Ummm.... would love to, but it's related to the situation at hand.
I can't take much more of this.
I am so worried about the effect on our kids, etc.
We nearly lost our house, plus he nearly lost his job over his gambling in December.
I'm pretty sure it's happening all over again.
Why he can't self evaluate I'll never know.
- how much of the omega-3's daily??? by: katinak2 12 years 3 months ago
the more i read on the internet, the more i ??? the real truth!!!! please tell me how much of the omega-3's i should take?? i have no medical insurance because brain surgery 15 years-ago. i'm trying to fix myself, not a easy task. But for the first time in my life i understand what's going on in my head. My family dr. is trying different meds to help me. i have lots of HOPE!!!
- New Diagnoses by: Emeraldloo 12 years 3 months ago My husband an I have been together for 7 years. It has been frustrating but I pushed through in hopes whatever was wrong would work out as he is amazing. Sometimes I couldn't believe things he would do. I would feel forgotten about, lied to, ignored. Then loved wholeheartedly like nothing happened. This week we discovered the problem is ADHD. I have such mixed emotions! A realease of the bitterness of the times I felt ignored. A letting go of all the wondering why I would get so confused. Feeling better about my standards and not feeling so out of line. But at the same time, a little hopeless that it will improve. I feel I need to stop hounding him to do things and do it all myself because it won't happen. And so discouraged about money. I thought that he just hadn't learned about it but now I worry he could never understand it. Money I a big problem. I am relieved and upset to have a diagnoses :(
- How Do You Disengage Yet Be Supportive? by: dazedandconfused 12 years 3 months ago
I hit a wall with my ADHD hubby this morning. I know it's just a temporary setback but its so easy to get bent out of shape.
He started back to college yesterday and I'm super proud of him. I've helped him along the way (filing financial aid, doing the paperwork, helping with registration, etc.) and he has said that he was very appreciative of my help and couldn't have done it without me. He's been to school before and got decent grades, but tardiness was an issue. He's without meds right now and I meant to make an appointment with his doctor last week, but I forgot to.
Well he got to school on time yesterday and had a pretty good time although he said it was stressful. I was surprised that he got there on time because he didn't get home from his 3rd shift bar job until 6am and he had to start waking up at 9:30 so he could leave the house by 10:30. He's been stressed out overall lately due to some family conflict over him selling a truck his dad bought for him in order to get a motorcycle (which he intends to use as his primary vehicle).
Well he came home this morning at 3am (after playing with his pool team) but didn't crawl into bed until 5am. I set the alarm for him and went to work. Well 10:30 rolled around and I hadn't heard from him so I started calling. I called several times but he never picked up. So I called my mom, who works 3 blocks from our apartment, and she offered to go over there and bang on the door. She tried several times and was about to leave when he answered and said he was in the bathroom. I can't believe he was in there without his phone (it's attached to his hip 24/7) but so it goes. I went ahead and called his doctor to make an appt and when I called my hubby to tell him, he asked me why. I could have swore that he told me that he needed to have his 3 month check-up but he said he still had one month left on his script. I told him to hold it and go on to the Dr since he wanted to talk to him about getting his dosage reduced because the current mg makes him irritable and agitated (thus he only wants to take it at certain times). I told him he also needed to talk to the doctor about his sleep issues. He's been diagnosed with sleep phase disorder, which is common with ADHDers from what I've read. I've told him about the taking a low dose of his meds to help him sleep but he's been resistant. Well he explodes at me over the phone and says he doesn't want to sleep at night because that's when his mind is clear. Also "never send your mother over here again. It was embarrassing and I'd rather flunk out of school and have to deal with that again." At which point, I told him I would remember that and hung up.
I'm so frustrated with him right now. His life has been a mess for four years, he's tied to his job at this stupid bar (oh! how I wish the place would burn down!), and just when he convinces himself that everything is going to be alright, he allows himself to start with the "I'm a screw up" routine. I don't know how to disconnect myself from this and yet be supportive. I can't stay awake at night worrying because he's not home yet and I'm afraid he won't make it to school on time. I can't be in charge of calling him 20 times to make sure he is up. I've got to draw the line somewhere and I don't know how. Any tips?
- Non ADHD boyfriend just broken up. How to move on? Help please! by: Ojah 12 years 3 months ago
I must say it was a relief to find all the information about ADHD relationships in forums and blogs online. Finally, many bits and pieces have fallen in place and now I think I might understand what just happened in my relationship that ended abruptly about one month ago.
SIX MONTHS AGO
I am a 31 year old male and my former ADHD girlfriend is 24. We had known each other some three years and started dating six months ago. We are both musicians and share the same interest, values, friends, humor etc. Before we started dating she had told me (and many others) that she had ADHD. She was diagnosed three years ago and has since then turned her life around completely. She has always been very open with her condition, her (violent and destructive) past and how relieved she was to have been diagnosed. Since her diagnose, she started medicating (ritaline) and could successfully complete her high school degrees in two years since she had screwed up school all her life. She had a past of screwing everything up, she told me. We started dating during her final semester of complementing her high school degrees and two months ago she had the degrees allowing her to apply for a university degree. She said that these two past years had been the best time in her life. Now she either aimed at a musical career or a university degree.
I can relate to many of the posts in forums and blogs, since our relationship started out great. We fell madly in love. Although we both agreed to take it slow (she did not “plan” to be in a relationship) we ended up spending every single minute together. She was the sweetest, most caring person I had ever met. She constantly called and texted me, I constantly called and texted her. She basically moved in to my apartment. She was charming and bright. All I ever wished for. I was a bit surprised that although she told me she wanted us to take it easy, she always took the initiatives to meet and to do stuff together. I loved it. I had never felt so loved! Her hyperfocus on me was one of the strongest experiences I have ever had. I remember her warning me early on that she could be a really tough person to be with. Since I had seen some of her personal traits (hyperactivity, temper etc) I believed her. But we really had the best time for four months. No arguments, no problems whatsoever. Until…
TWO MONTHS AGO
…We went to her friend´s wedding. I enjoyed myself while she was dancing and having fun, all night. Since I didn´t know anyone at the wedding, I expected her to “stick by my side” but she completely ignored me. I felt invisible and really confused. I didn´t know if I should bring it up, but she noticed something was wrong and asked me. I told her how I felt and she was completely devastated. She told me she could never live up to such expectations and that I shouldn’t demand her constant attention. I was surprised by her strong reaction and said that I probably overreacted (at the time I really believed I did). We got over it (or at least I thought we did) and had a few weeks of “normal” relationship. Later, similar events occurred and I didn´t know what to think. She stayed out late, didn´t answer my calls, came with strange excuses and seemed to overreact when I brought it up.
ONE MONTH AGO
It all escalated when she went abroad for ten days. Her vacation turned into a disaster when her friend’s uncle got killed in a car accident (later she told me she forgot to take her meds the whole week). I was really worried for her (and for our relationship, which felt like a bad and confusing combination). She completely stopped answering my calls, said she needed to be alone. I really tried to understand and respect her wish but couldn´t since I was worried sick. The more I tried to contact her, the angrier and more frustrated she became. She asked me to stop bothering her. More excuses, lies even, it appeared. At that point I was a total mess. I didn´t know what to do. When she came home she literally did everything to avoid me. It took me five days to convince her to meet me. I explained that I only wanted to understand since I felt like an idiot. Had I done something wrong? What had really happened? What was really going on in her mind? I was going crazy and had such a strong demand for understanding.
THREE WEEKS AGO
When we finally met she tried to explain and said she was no good for me, that she was unsure of what she wanted in her life. Since I was a mental wreck I said I couldn´t take any more uncertainty and we decided to break up. In the end, it felt like she forced me to break up with her… I was really sad for what happened and how it happened. There were of course also very “normal” reasons for breaking up, such as the fact that she might want to move abroad for studies, age difference etc. As the rational person I am, I did my best to stick to the “normal” explanations, but the whole situation felt so unreal. How could something that passionate just end over night? However, I think I understand better now, since I have read hundreds of similar stories.
LAST WEEK
Since then we have barely spoken and only met once, very briefly. I still love her and I have tried to meet with her, but she keeps avoiding me. Since she doesn´t want to meet I decided to write her an email, begging her to explain what was “really” going on in her head. What was she thinking? How did she feel? That I cared for her. I did my best to explain that I had no hard feelings, no anger, that I only wanted to talk. I needed to understand to move on.
TODAY
At that time I had read a lot about ADHD. I decided to write what I felt - my side of the story - after learning more about her diagnosis. I felt mean (I didn´t want to give her the ADHD-lable), but I had to let her know how I felt, and hoped to get some answers from her. I wrote that, as far as I understood, ADHD probably was an important reason for me feeling this lost and probably had something to do with her behaviour. I sent her links and articles that I thought explained a great deal. It took her three days to answer (yesterday). This was a short text where she said she didn´t have the energy to read all this and asked why I had to bring up her ADHD as a factor. She seemed upset.
Now I feel that I have somewhat recovered mentally and I have no intentions of getting back together with her. But it feels strange to just leave this all behind. I really want the best for her since she is a fantastic person. But I really don´t know what to do. I guess my nagging will only make things worse. So...
Can someone guess what she feels right now? What is going on in her head? Does she feel bad? Does she feel guilt? Has she shut of her feelings? Does she have regrets?
I know she is really sorry for causing me this pain, and she has apologized, but then what? What will happen to her?
I have asked her to be completely honest with me but she appears to have shut down completely...
I only want the best for her, so what do I do? Is there anything at all that I ACTUALLY CAN do?
Advice warmly appreciated! Thanks.
- Poem to my husband from ADHD wife by: michellebelle81 12 years 3 months ago
The need to express my feelings & actions have now become quite clear,
I feel like I'm behind the wheel of a car that just will not steer,
My mind runs like a motor that refuses to stop or to slow down,
My foot remains on the pedal that is pushed closely to the ground,
Not sure why I cannot control all of these traits that seem to drive you mad,
I continue to try to compensate for all of the instances I've made you sad,
Placing the blame on you all of the time has never been my intention,
My ADHD leaves me feeling like a child who needs after-school detention,
My temper tantrums, forgetfulness, and thoughtlessness to name a few,
Probably leave you feeling like you have bitten off more than you can chew,
Continually I refuse to own these actions that are part of my existence,
Then comes the reminder that I cannot finish any task without proper assistance,
My mind fragments & twists your words into particles inside my head,
Your meaning becomes lost in translation as I hear what you have NOT said,
My hyperactivity keeps me awake at night with thousands of thoughts rushing thru my head,
I admit that I fail to consider your feelings of neglect as you lay alone within our bed,
I'm disheartened & ashamed of the way I continue to make you feel like crap,
I hate starting arguments over trivial issues & going from 0-to bitchy in a snap,
I want nothing more than to right my wrongs and to take away your pain,
To look you in the eyes & swear my outbursts will not happen again,
If only I could remember the simple things that you ask of me to do,
Instead I become defensive because I know what you say of me is true,
After all the truth has been what I have been trying so hard to hide,
Otherwise I feel like a basket case with whom I cannot abide,
From this day forth my goal is to remind you exactly why we wed,
To also try to make more sense of the constant confusion in my head,
I know that everyday will be a test that I will have to endure,
To begin to focus more clearly on the things I tend to ignore,
I don't expect an overnight change & I know it will take some work,
To get a grip- find some inner peace- to stop going berserk,
I apologize for all of the times that I have made you feel uneasy,
Frankly, the thought of losing you makes me feel extremely queasy,
Thank you for supporting me throughout it all & for your amazing adaptability,
For going with the "flow" while dealing with my unpredictability,
I feel lucky each day that you remain an integral part of my life,
For loving me despite all of my faults & flaws ---Love, Your ADHD Wife - question about ADHD spouse's behavior by: PoisonIvy 12 years 3 months ago
My husband regularly points out to the rest of the family when they're wrong about some fact. Typically, he'll disagree with what the person said and then whip out his phone to check the Internet and prove his point. Is this "I have to be right" or "I don't know when I'm acting superior" (or both)?
- ADHD husband is upset for everything.... by: lovehurtsalotwi... 12 years 3 months ago
I have come a long way with my ADHD husband,things have been very very hard with him where I have been experiencing hair loss and itchy skin as a result of ALL the stress he has been putting me through.
some people would ask"then why don't you LEAVE him"and I would be lost for words as to why I can't leave this man.Maybe I am scared of being alone and without the man I love,but then again after the fact I am being abused in every which way possible.
Today was to be a normal working day at my country,but we won a gold medal in the Olympics, so we was given a holiday.He was mad at that and then saying why we must get this holiday and it was as almost as it was my fault,he got up this morning still in disbelief and went to work but had to come back home when no one was in office and the building was locked up.lol.
Then he came home by me this morning and he was still mad at this holiday, and he was really really moody and he just got up and walked out of the house when my Mother and my kids was making a joke out of it,we were all trying to cheer him up when he got even angrier and walked out.
Then last week a friend of his was being a bit rude to me and I deleted him off FB,I told him about it and he was good at first then two days after he was shouting and mad and all angry throwing tantrums and mood swings,when I told him that I would not hide anything like that from him,he is saying crazy mad things.
I think that he had something really important to do today and that holiday messed it up for him and he took it out on me(something that he did not want me to know).Then I think that his past life was so nasty that he don't want me communicating with his friends and family.He would get so mad and upset at me being on the computer and he almost wanted me NOT to ever use a computer because he blamed it on (BAD NEGATIVITY) and that it could ruin our relationship.when in fact he has a lot to hide from his past life and now it all makes sense to me.
It's one thing with the porn,mood swings,depressions,women,etc etc.and I have been putting up with alot.but then to find out what he did before we knew each other was his greatest fear,fear that I would leave him for the things he had done in his past life.I could leave him after what I have learnt,something that I would not share on these forums,I am too disgusted,but I believe in change and I have not seen or heard him do such things here and while we are together so I would not leave him for his past life,but for the things he would do to ruin our future together.
lovehurts.
- Speaking of medication roulette by: SherriW13 12 years 3 months ago
Here we go again...
DH started Concerta in Oct 2010...by Dec I was ready to leave. It made him extremely irritable and hostile. I don't know how else to describe it other than it made him defensive and took away his willingness to accept any fault for our problems and he also stopped saying "I'm sorry" when he really needed to.
He switched to Vyvanse in Dec 2010 and by mid-Feb we were once again in a very bad state...same issues as with the Concerta...and he only stopped taking it after I walked out on a counseling session telling our counselor if I ever came back, I would come by myself...so she could help me through my divorce.
He stopped the meds that day...crashed...and spent the next year in the den self-medicating. He had been self-medicating for the year prior to this as well...so when he wanted to try stimulant meds again a couple of months ago I had hoped that the self-medicating was part of the reason for the hostility and irritability the other times he tried them and that this time would be different.
He got clean in Feb 2012 and had been doing wonderfully with just trazodone and vistaril to help him sleep at night. As I said, he wanted to try another stimulant medication and his shrink insisted I come in with him to report what I was seeing...due to his history of self-medicating (addiction, for all intents and purposes) and due to his history of hostility and personality changes in the past when he used them.
I think he did a wonderful job convincing me (controlling his anger) prior to the appointment because immediately following the appt I saw the same hostility and anger as before reappear. To be clear, there is no other way to describe it other than it just changes him. He (non-medicated) isn't hostile or angry...or defensive. If he slips and says something...snaps at me over something for whatever reason, he immediately says he's sorry. I had accepted that he would always have 'brake' problems and had grown to overlook the occasional snappiness. This is totally different. And no apology is ever forthcoming.
He is due to go back to the shrink Wed to talk to him about increasing his dosage. He takes 10mgs twice a day. From all I can tell, this is a low dosage. Is it possible that is the problem? I told him last night that I hate the person he becomes when he takes meds...I'm getting the same nauseating "you just cannot accept me for who I am" and "I will just never be able to live up to your expectations" He has done two very hurtful things in the past week alone...we hadn't fought in 4-5 months...before he started meds. :(
Anyone irritable when your dosage is too low?? I almost dread him getting a higher dosage...I fear his temper will only get worse. Is there any hope for him and stimulant meds?
Also, he quit his trazadone (anti-depressant) without talking to his doctor...a few days ago. He (and his shrink) said it was ONLY to help him sleep, such a low dosage that it wouldn't effectively be enough to be considered depression treatment...therefore, he said, he didn't need to wean from it. I wonder if the behavior I'm seeing this week isn't directly related too. He claimed he felt bad physically...that's why he stopped...and was just certain it was that medication. Before starting the adderall, he claimed he felt better than he had in years. I am very disappointed that he stopped the meds without discussing it with his doctor first. :(